What it Means to Be Strong

Charlie Sheen said that the best way to avoid getting your heart broken is to pretend you don't have one. Now in Shaun's case, I know that isn't working for him because I've seen the pain in his eyes. I've heard him choke on his words & I've watched him use every ounce of his being to hide how much he's hurting. It killed me every day because nothing I could ever do would fix it. I hoped that maybe Ivy would be enough to fix that boy's broken heart... but not even his own daughter could fix the damage that so many had left.

It was easier to pretend I had a heart when I didn't than to pretend that I don't have one when I really do. Quite honestly, I was numb before I met Shaun. I'd almost give anything to be numb again, but I don't want Ivy to think that she isn't allowed to have faith, or to love, or to feel the sting when she scrapes her knee. I want her to know that it's alright to hurt, because she'll always have somebody there to help her feel okay again. I'll always be there to scoop her up & remind her how much she's loved. I miss the numbness... I miss the emptiness that now holds a heart in it's place. I miss not caring about people, because it meant never having my heart broken. It couldn't be broken if it didn't exist... but then I met Shaun & I came alive. Now, more than ever I wish that I could be empty again.

I don't want Ivy to see me crying every night. I want her to see a strong woman who will protect her & teach her how to live the right way... but how can I do that if I don't know whats right anymore? I will never be hollow when it comes to my baby girl, because there is so much love for her that it flows through my veins & shines through every pore. She's consumed every part of my mind, body & soul. What nobody will ever really understand is that there's so much of her inside of me that there will never be any room for anybody else... not her Father, not my siblings... nobody. She comes first, & after that there is nothing else for me.

Maybe that's cruel, & maybe it's heartless... but I can't afford to love anybody else anymore. I can't afford to hurt because there will always be the chance that my pain will hurt my baby girl too, & I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her. If she had to watch me cry because I lost my best friend again... then she'll never know what it means to be strong. I have to protect her, because she's all I have left. She's the one keeping my heart together.