I'm Worth More

I don't think very many people understand what it means to love somebody. Not just to be in love with someone, but to love them with every fiber of your existence. To sacrifice everything to be with them, & then willingly give them your heart knowing that they could very easily crush it at any moment. To be in love is to be deliriously happy with somebody without considering the consequences. To really love someone is to understand the consequences, but to give it all... even when you might never be given anything in return. To love them knowing you may never be with them. THAT is love, & it's agonizingly painful.

So many people completely disregard it when I tell them that I don't want to be with anybody else. They try to encourage a "rebound" or tell me that I'm going through a phase & "this too shall pass" but it won't. This isn't a phase, & it wasn't infatuation. It was, is, and always will be love. They might never understand, & I might never find anybody else that compares to what he was to me, but they need to know that I do NOT need another man in my life to be happy, or to provide for my child. I am perfectly capable of that on my own. She doesn't need anybody else to hurt her, or to watch anyone else hurt me. She doesn't need a hundred Fathers, & I don't need a hundred boyfriends waltzing in and out of our lives. She needs her Daddy... I might not need him, but she does.

I wish he'd change. I really do. I wish he was the Shaun that I knew. The Shaun that I loved... because I'm in love with a shadow. An empty, heartless shadow. He's cold & he's bitter, & I'm not sure if his daughter means much to him right now compared to the life he chose over her, but I know she meant much more to him before... & I hope he'll come to the realization of what he's given up. I won't raise her with hatred or anger towards her Father, but I won't watch her little heart break every time he walks out because things get rough. I won't watch her form that hatred and anger all on her own because of the decisions he's making, & I won't allow my heart to be broken like that again. If he loves his daughter, he'll do what is necessary to show her that love & prove to her that she means more to him than money and nice cars and women ever could.


I know there's somebody out there that will probably fall in love with me eventually. I watched Cass fall in love with me, & I never even held his hand. He knew I loved Shaun, & he still tried every day to show me that he could love me more & give me a better life. He worked really hard just to show me that he cared, and I feel bad that I couldn't ever return that affection. I loved Shaun, & I still do. But I don't love who he's become. I love who I know he is, but I'm not sure what happened to him... I just hope that he'll find himself before it's too late. Regardless, nobody will ever mean as much to me or take his place. I couldn't allow it. It wouldn't be right to do that to Ivy, & I'm incapable of forcing myself to love somebody. They could give me the world & I still couldn't even pretend to love them.

Shaun can test my commitment... he can test my patience, & he can test my love but no matter what he does, or how much he hurts me... he will never succeed in breaking me. He will never see me run to another man or woman, & despite my physical needs, he will never see me give myself to anybody. Especially not in the way I gave myself to him. I may not belong to him, but I certainly won't share with anybody else what I shared with him. I just wish I meant that much to him.