I Want my Best Friend Back

Finally! Autumn is definitely here - I can tell by the unbearably cold temperature in our house! We're all bundled up in bathrobes & sweaters & shivering under thick blankets. Anyone would think it was snowing indoors! But it's a nice change from that God awful heat & it's nice to sleep in clothes for once, rather than sweat ourselves to death in our sleep while wearing practically nothing. I can't complain. I'm definitely a fall kind of girl.

Today was a breath of fresh air from my usual routine. I went out to lunch with Shaun's Mum & little brother & then we went & got registered at Buy Buy Baby & Target for my baby shower. It was definitely nice to spend some quality time with them & take my mind off of the current situation between Shaun & I. Ivy's little Uncle was so helpful, zapping everything with the scanner that he thought his niece would like, & getting slightly impatient when he had to scan the "boring stuff" like bottles & pacifiers. It was so cute, & it was nice to see him get excited for my baby girl's arrival. I know she'll be loved & spoiled by her Uncle T.

I'm so grateful that so many people have been so supportive lately. One of Shaun's closest friends has been acting as a soundboard while I've struggled to keep it together, & his Mum & Grandma have stood by my decisions - even the ones that will affect their own flesh & blood. It's a relief in a way, but it's been really difficult making such hard decisions without Shaun here to help me. I need to think about the future of our daughter, & if it wasn't for his family I wouldn't know where to start.

Now it's just a waiting game... I have to sit & wait for an answer. For some kind of sign that this is either meant to be, or isn't. It's probably the most painful experience I've ever been through, & all I want is happiness. Unfortunately, it can't always work that way. I have to put Ivy first, then myself... then Shaun. Because at this rate, I'm not even sure our happiness is a priority to him. I want to believe that we matter. That our daughter means more than some selfish act... but he isn't showing me any differently. I just want my best friend back...