He Didn't Change. He Got Tired of Pretending.

Sometimes I think I'm moving backwards, or even pushing pause on my life while everybody else is moving forward... worst of all, Shaun could practically dance circles around me at this point. I mean, he has since the beginning so what's to stop him from doing it again? I did let him, after all. I don't regret loving him or the time we had together, but I'm beginning to regret more & more how reckless I was with my emotions. I let that silly little boy with blue eyes & freckles turn my world upside down over & over again, & when his fun had ended & I finally managed to turn everything right side up... he'd do it again to spite me.

Reading back on everything I've written about him, I want to kick myself. How could I see so clearly what he was doing to me & what kind of direction my life was heading in & still allow him to play with my heart like that? How could I have been so stupid? He's absolutely brilliant... & although he's well aware of it, his cockiness makes him vulnerable to betrayal & disloyalty & I'm beginning to see as if for the first time that he never really was who I thought. Even when I saw him changing, & watched him trying hard to be a better person... it was all a lie. A sick, twisted, selfish lie. He never cared about what would happen to me or Ivy if he left. He never cared about anybody, even himself.

Maybe it's time to really move on. It's time to press play on my life & move forward at my own pace. No more rushing into things, no more pushing pause & waiting on somebody that can't stop living their life in fast forward. I want to make something of my life, & I don't want to be a victim of emotion anymore. I won't be a slave to my heart, or those big blue eyes that seem to swallow me whole whenever I drop my guard. My defenses might have been shot, but I'm building up walls so high that they will not only keep him out of my heart & my head, but keep me from trying to scramble over them & get lost in his arms. I'm tired of being caught up in the fantasy that is Shaun Tyler Bills. I'm tired of living a lie & covering for his in the meantime. That's not love. That's pure & utter stupidity.

Yes, I did love him. I still do. But I am NOT weak anymore. I'm not somebody to take advantage of or to discard when I've hit my expiration date because as far as I'm concerned, until I'm dead & gone - I don't have one. I wanted to believe he was better, & although I know he is capable of being better, he hasn't shown me that he cares to be. If money is what drives him... if lies & betrayal & running is what really drives him, then he can let it drive him until he's being driven right over the edge of a cliff. That's where he'll end up if he doesn't wise up & stop trying to fool himself into believing that the life he's living is success. It's not. Everything he's done, & everything he's doing will ultimately lead to failure. He's going to end up miserable & alone, with absolutely nothing to his name & nobody there to help him out of the hole he's been digging for himself. He's got to do that on his own, but if he doesn't wise up soon he might as well start burying himself now... because he has nowhere left to run.

He may be Ivy's Father, but he's not fooling anybody. He's not a parent. He's far from it... he's selfish, dishonest, & a full on coward. He ran when he couldn't take the responsibility of providing for & raising a child, & he chose money over the little girl who will one day grow to wonder why her Daddy was never there. What am I supposed to tell her? That she wasn't enough? No. I can't tell her that... I can't tell her anything, because there's nothing to tell. There's nothing there. Just an empty shell of somebody who once had the potential to be a great man & an even greater Father & husband. Just a God damn shadow. That is all he is, & all he ever will be unless he makes the decision to change. Not just for Ivy, but for himself. Until he can do that, I don't want any part of what he considers freedom. I don't want anything to do with that shadow of a man that I once loved & am left to question if I am even capable of ever loving again.

So here it is... the truth. The reality of the situation. The man behind all the tears & the heartache & the bullshit. The man you all know as Shaun Bills... the friend, the brother, the son, the boyfriend, the husband...  the "Father". The fake. The little boy I will no longer cry for, & the impostor our daughter will never cry over. The shadow that no longer darkens my life, & never will again.