I never thought I'd feel so empty... or so broken. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain on such an intimate level. I've lost so many people... so many people I thought I loved. I didn't realize until now that I never really loved them. Not like this anyway. The pain I experienced when I lost them was nothing in comparison to the agony of losing Shaun. It's like I'm watching the world burn to the ground around me & I'm being buried in the ashes. Everything we had, everything we dreamed of having is gone. In only a matter of minutes, we lost it all. I lost the love of my life... & it's killing me.
Shaun was the only one that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me a purpose. He breathed life into me & when I fell in love with him, it was like I was awakening from an eternity of nightmares. I was frozen. Numb... before he came along. I was incapable of showing or feeling any sign of weakness, & although sometimes I wished I could be that way again, I will never regret the emotions that I'm drowning in. They might be spilling over, flooding my tear ducts with salt water, but love is bittersweet. I can taste it. I used to thrive on physical pain. I enjoyed it in a strange, twisted sort of way. Any physical pain I experienced previous to meeting Shaun doesn't even come close to hurting me as much as a broken heart. Fuck... it was already broken. He was the glue holding it together. Today, I felt it shatter like a mirror into thousands of little pieces, & I'm afraid to move or feel in case I should step on them & shatter them more. Not that my heart is capable of breaking again. The pieces of my heart are practically dust...
I think what's killing me most is that I lost my best friend... the love of my life... my soul mate, to somebody that makes him completely & utterly miserable. It hurts knowing I've lost him, but it hurts knowing that he's unhappy. That I could make him happy... that's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted, or I would have let him go a long time ago. I never would have supported his decision, but it was his only option, & I have to understand that. I know he didn't want this, & I know that this may be my only chance to express myself before what's left of my world is just dust in the wind... but I wish more than anything that I could hold my blue eyed devil & promise him that everything will be okay. That he'll be happy again, & that I'll always be here & always love him like he told me earlier... & as much as I didn't want to believe it at the time, I know he meant it. Knowing he still loves me broke my heart, because he belongs to somebody else... but I'm fortunate enough to know that I still hold a place in his heart, & that his feelings for me haven't changed.
So here it is... the journeys end. I hope just for the time being, but it really does feel like the end of everything good. Everything we had has been tucked away in the back of our minds, & even James isn't here to comfort me. Everything & everyone has been shut out. We have to be numb to survive. It's instinct I suppose, & it's such a terribly cold lifestyle. Without Shaun, I know no other way to live. I hope that one day we can feel again... & I know I shouldn't sit here & wish that he could stay & that he'd never let go. Maybe I'm crazy, but the only faith I have left is in him, & I will never ever let go of that. I'll never stop hoping & wishing & dreaming... one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel, & although he's far from perfect, he's my angel. If I can tolerate Michael & Tantric & Georgina & Rebecca, I can hold on to that last little piece of faith & pray that it becomes reality. It might not be much to go on, but it's all I've got.
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