I Hate Endings

I hate endings... but the worst part about something coming to an end is that something new comes along in it's place. Nothing ever really ends... it just begins again. To be quite honest, the thought of that scares the living Hell out of me because I've been waiting so long for something to happen & now that it really is I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. How do I handle the unfamiliar? I used to handle it well, but then again I used to be a lot more independent. Not that I'm not now... I have to be. The fact is, I did a lot more with my life before I let consistency take over. Now I need that adventure again... I need to find more to do with my life than sit around & wait on something that'll never happen.

I just want to believe that change is good. Things have been the same for so long... it almost felt like I was at a complete stand still. Now I'm walking around in circles because I can't find a God damn door to walk through to escape it all. I just want to believe that things really will get better, because I want to give Ivy the best life has to offer & I need to find a better life than what I've been living... I can't make her happy if I'm always going to be unhappy. There has to be something out there for us. I just have to find it.

Even though I promised myself & I promised Ivy that no other man will ever take her Father's place... I know I'll still be tempted. Not with men, but with women. I know I couldn't even handle the thought of being with a different man sexually, but a women? That's a different story. When Taylor added me on Facebook, I can't honestly say that thought didn't pop into my mind. Not involving her. No, I couldn't do that. I only will allow people that will benefit our lives to be a part of it... but the thought of being with other women did get me for a moment. I don't think I could, but even then... right now I'm focusing on Ivy & I. Nobody else. Maybe one day in the future I'll consider being with somebody, but I don't think I really would. I guess I'll have to wait & see. All I know is that all that matters is right here & right now & doing what it takes to provide for my baby girl. Nothing else even comes close.