Reflection

I think the reason why I never really recognize myself in the mirror is because I'm expecting my reflection to somewhat resemble the person I used to be. Dark hair, dark makeup, dark clothes, dark sense of humor & quite literally no soul. I had no regard for anybody's feelings, their money or the people in their lives. I had no respect, although I was quite skilled at pretending that I did. I was a fake. There was nothing there... nothing. Nothing to make me feel guilty, nothing to hold me back from getting what I wanted. I was completely heartless, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in order to realize that I'm not going to see that person in the mirror anymore.

Shaun may have been the event that changed my life, but I was the one who made the decisions that allowed him to change my life. I changed who I was... because I wanted to feel what I thought he was feeling. I wanted to be as alive inside as he seemed to be on the outside. I wanted to feel again, & I wanted to understand what it meant to really give yourself to someone... so I did. I allowed him to break through my walls & I felt my heart melt. It was overwhelming, but exhilarating. I didn't ever want it to end.

Unfortunately, even the best things do come to an end... but when I let him break me down & I began to feel again, I knew that I would never be cold. I would never be heartless or thoughtless or careless in the way I was before he came along. I liked who I had become. Even though it hurt like Hell & it sometimes got to the point that I thought it would be better to be numb, I knew that it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. Now? I may have put an end to that pain to an extent... but I'll never regret him. I'll never regret the person I became for him, & I will never ever regret loving him.