Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Do you ever get so distracted by the chaos of everyday life that you forget to stop & smell the roses? I've never really realized how important it is until now... how vital it is to our overall well being. I get so caught up in school, diaper changes, bus schedules, food shopping & dirty laundry that I forget that I need to take care of myself too. Even if it is five minutes spent sitting in the sunshine, or a journal entry before I climb into bed. Those small moments do so much more for me than I realized, & even though I have my responsibilities, I'll get through the day with a much better attitude if I take a little time to appreciate myself & the things that make me happy.

It does get pretty hard sometimes... there will always be disagreements & slip ups, & things won't go my way 24/7, but that's the beauty of it all! If things didn't go wrong, we couldn't appreciate them when they go the way we hoped! If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have my sweet little Princess to cuddle with every night. If I hadn't left home at sixteen, I wouldn't know what I know now, & I wouldn't have met all the crazy, wonderful people in my life. I can definitely appreciate my struggles, because they made me strong. Those experiences made me appreciate things that I probably would have scofffed at three years ago. I have no regrets, because I am proud of the person I am today. I wouldn't change what I've been through for the world, even if it means appreciating those who have burned me & the people I love. Even if it means acknowledging that I wasn't somebody to be proud of once upon a time... I am now.

I WILL be an example to Ivy. I WILL be an honest, faithful & loving girlfriend, & I WILL have respect for myself & those around me. I'm not going to let anyone or anything hold me back from being the woman I know I am deep down. She might have been wandering for a while, but not all who wander are lost, & I'm on a one way track to success & happiness.

Double Date

Tonight was exactly what I've been needing. A double date with my baby & good friends... I can't think of a better way to kick back before I'm stuck spending all my free time studying & taking classes. I mean, I know its all for a good cause, but a little me time never hurt anyone.

My Biggest Vice is My Ugliest Habit

If you didn't know already (which would surprise me), I am addicted to cigarettes. I have been for the greater part of my life now... & if any of you out there have ever suffered from some kind of addiction, you KNOW how hard it is to quit. Especially after its become routine.

Smoking is my vice. I suffer from severe anxiety & smoking helps calm my nerves, as well as gives me something to pass the time if Ivy is sleeping. I've tried to quit many times, but stress & anxiety are always the key factors that cause me to start up again. I need to quit... For Ivy's sake, as well as for my health, but I don't know if I'm ready to... Maybe that's selfish, but its all I really have of my own. It's the only minute I get to myself, & what makes it worse is that I enjoy it.

If you have any advice, or know of anything that could help motivate me to quit, you can email me at sweetliltragedy@gmail.com & who knows? You could be exactly what I need!

Busy Schedule? Nah...

Sometimes I miss being busy... I miss having somewhere to be every day of the week. It helped me to appreciate my days at home so much more. Now, I spend so much time at home that even a walk to Smiths is like an exotic getaway. Its so terribly boring! I can't wait until I'm working every day so I can bring home the bacon & appreciate the time I have with my daughter that much more.

#selfmade

Sometimes I ever why my life went I'm the direction that it did. I suppose I could blame it on fate, if I believed in that. Others might tell me that God had something to do with it, although I can't really say I believe in him either. I do believe that my mistakes play a big part, but I honestly believe that it was my failures that drove me to succeed, as well as the people I've lost that made me realize what I really want out of life. The few that supported me throughout my struggles in the past are the few that will continue to be a part of my life, & the ones that walled away when things were difficult are the ones who revoked the right to be a part of my future.

"If you were absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present for my success."

In other words, if you had the nerve to walk away, I most definitely have earned the right to turn you away. I have worked my ass off to be the person I am today, & I will continue to better myself until I am the Mother that Ivy deserves. I know its going to be hard, & I know I will continue to make many more mistakes in the future, but those mistakes will be lessons, not failures. You can judge me, but in the end the qualities you so despise in me are only a reflection of the things you despise in yourself. I could have run away when my life started to fall apart, but I'm proud to say that I'm stronger than that. I'm picking up the pieces, & nothing anyone could say will hold me back or bring me down. I'm going to be somebody my daughter can be proud of, & she will learn by example that you never give up, no matter what the odds are.

Never a Failure, Always a Lesson

That's what my next tattoo will say... Its something I'm trying to live by these days, & something that has helped make me a much stronger person. I've learned that I can't take back my mistakes, but I can always learn from them. I can't live in the past, & I won't beat myself up anymore. I'm confident in the decisions I'm making, because they are based on the well being of my daughter as well as myself. I can't live to please others. I will stand by what I believe is best for Ivy. She is my whole world, & I will only keep company that understands that & supports me in it. I'm proud of who I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm doing everything in my power to be a good Mum. What anyone else thinks or believes is irrelevant.

Great Opportunities

Because of these two photos, I've been given the opportunity to start modeling. Something I never really considered, because I never really thought I had anything worth flaunting... But thanks to "Sexiest Women in Salt Lake City" I may just be getting my big break. Its not something I would attempt to make a career out of, but maybe this is a good opportunity for me. After all, everyone could use a boost of self confidence!

Leah Lately

As most of you know, my life has been all over the place these past four months. I've made some pretty tough decisions, had my heart broken, been in & out of the hospital more often than somebody undergoing chemo, fixed some broken friendships, & after moving into my second host home in two years, have finally been able to start a new chapter in my life.

Not only am I FINALLY getting my SSN in the next couple months, but I am well signed up for Entrada, (an Adult High School), to get my GED, I have a modeling opportunity this weekend & quite possibly on a regular basis, I'll be getting my drivers license & then after all this time... I'll finally have a place of my own! Life couldn't be sweeter right now, & I'm so lucky to have somebody loving me & supporting me through all of this. I couldn't ask for a more dedicated boyfriend.

Life is what we make it, so we're making it worth living <3

The Female Boss

There comes a time when you can't live in the past anymore. You have to let go & live for a better tomorrow, & that is exactly what I intend to do. I'm not going to sit around & wait for something to happen. I'm going to make things happen. There's no such thing as destiny. We are the only ones who can determine our fate, & I'm going to do something extraordinary no matter what the odds are. Today is the first day of the rest of my life... I'm going to be somebody my daughter can respect. Nobody else's opinion matters as long as I'm making my Ivy Rose proud.

A Fresh Start

Things are FINALLY looking up! Not only do Ivy & I get to move into our new home this weekend, but I'll be able to start work soon as well! I'm so relieved to be moving closer to Grandma, & I'll be right around the corner from one of my oldest, closest friends so I won't isolated like I was out in BFE. Not to mention... Once I start working, I'll be able to start saving for my car. It won't be long until I will be 100% independent, & I can honestly say that the timing couldn't have been better.

I think I'm especially excited to be in a familiar neighborhood. The bus goes right to trax, the Red Lantern & Asian City is right around the corner, & I'm close enough that I can continue going to church & Ivy's Doctor is pretty much within walking distance. I hated Eagle Mountain because I never really saw anyone very often & I couldn't even walk to a gas station, because there wasn't one for miles. Now everything is within walking distance & Ivy & I will finally be in a positive environment, away from all the fighting & high strung emotions.

I've come to the realization that I just don't do families. I'm not cut out for it... I'm better off looking out for myself & for my daughter. This new home is perfect for us, & I can't wait to get settled.

I Just Don't Give a Fuck

I've been too worried for too long about what others thought about me. The only person that really matters is my baby girl. As long as I'm living every day with her well being in mind & striving to make her proud, nothing else matters. I'm proud of who I am, & nothing anybody can say will make me feel otherwise.

Happy Again

This might sound really silly, but I'm so thrilled to finally be paying off my hospital bills! I set up a payment plan, & I'm taking care of it all so that when my SSN comes through, I'll have a clean slate. I can start fresh without complications from my past crippling me in the future. It's SUCH a good feeling!

Even though things have been really rough at home lately, taking some time to let loose last week was exactly what I needed to bring me back to where I need to be.  Ivy has definitely helped me through everything too. Her adorable smile & her cheeky personality have kept me going every day, even when I've struggled to get out of bed. It never ceases to amaze me how much she's grown, & continues to grow! She's munching on everything she can sink her gums into, & bottles just don't seem to be enough anymore. She's got such an appetite! She's finally getting chubby now too, & she's so content with just snuggling with me or listening to 80's rock lullaby radio on Pandora. I'm so blessed to have such an incredible little life to take care of.

I'm still waiting to hear back on our new home, but I'm really hoping it will be closer to Grandma. I know she'd love to see Ivy more often, & I miss her like crazy. She's really the only Grandma I have here, other than Grandma Heidi who is eight hours away... She's the only family member that I can confide in. She understands my decisions & she understands the hurt that has come along with them. I guess she'd know better than anyone how much it hurts to love somebody like that & let them go for what you believe is right... Even if in the end, it backfires. I  wish I hadn't been in such a painful position. Maybe then I could have at least changed the outcome of the situation in a more positive way for everyone. I guess it doesn't matter much now though. We have all moved on in our own ways, & hopefully it'll be for the best in the end.

For now, I'm just trying to focus on getting bills paid, finding a gone for me & Ivy, & spending every spare moment I have making sure she knows how much she's loved. It's hard sometimes, but every smile makes it worth it. Just holding her in my arms brings me back to Earth, & for that moment, I'm happy again.

The Cure

Tiesto was incredible. I seriously had such an incredible night! I don't think I could have spent it with better friends either. Now I know whenever I'm stressed, I just need to call Miah & go dance until my limbs are jello. Best cure in the world. You know what was even better though? Coming home to my Ivy & falling asleep with her in my arms... That girl makes everything okay again.

Another Awkward Moment

I'm an idiot. How do you accidentily vox somebody? I mean honestly. I could kick myself right now. Lately I can't seem to stop ass dialing people, & now this? That's the third person I've done that too. At least nobody heard me taking a piss. That would have been awkward. I think it's buh bye Voxer for a while... At least until my ass stops trying to have conversations with everyone. I guess it could have been worse though. It could have been like that one night... When I butt dialed somebody at the worst possible time. I don't think I'll ever live that down. My poor Mother.

Everybody Wears One

I just found out that two of my old roommates are locked up for kidnapping & burglary. Somebody who used to be one of my closest friends, but got caught up in some really bad shit... & one of my really close friends ex boyfriends. Its a really uncomfortable thought, knowing I lived in the same apartment, partied with them years ago,  & now they've gone off the deep end. I heard that once of the charges was murder... I don't know if I want to believe that, but you never know what somebody is capable of, no matter who they are. It just goes to show that everyone wears a mask, & only the most extreme situations can show our true character. I honestly hope that when that day comes for me, I'll be strong enough to stay true to myself. I want Ivy to be proud of me... Not ashamed. I hope that the people around me remain true to themselves as well, because so few people are these days... But sometimes, the people you believe to be the cruelest, the most selfish, or the ones that seem to be cold are the ones that under the mask are just hurt, because the ones they loved weren't who they appeared to be. From this point on, I refuse to wear a mask. That way, you can take me as I am or you can watch me as I go, but at least you'll know where you stand with me.

We've Been Burned Baby

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I've been so convinced that I'm in the right is because I've been told that I am... Everyone tells me that I was totally justified in what I did, & maybe in a sense I was, but I can't help but question whether or not things would be okay if I hadn't left the way that I did.

I don't know if I would go back & change things, because  everyone's true thoughts & feelings towards me came out as a result of my leaving & I'm not sure I'd want to be part of a relationship or part of a family that its secretly harboring resentment towards me, even though its that way with my own... I do wish I could see things from their perspective though. I wish I could understand how they saw it so I could understand why they said the things they did.

I still don't understand what happened at the hospital, but as far as I understand it began because I chose to spend Christmas with my family to recover. In the end, that was ultimately the best decision I could have made, because if I hadn't gone to my Mum's that day & fallen down the stairs, I never would have known that I was still passing placenta. The Doctor said that if I had waited any longer to come into the E.R. I would have hemorrhaged. I was losing so much blood already, but never having had a baby before, I didn't know what was normal. I still ended up on bedrest for a while afterwards, but I don't dare think about what could have happened if I hadn't fallen down the stairs & gotten rushed to the hospital.

In all honesty, that morning was a but of a blur. I don't even remember what was said in the text I sent Shaun, & I'm sort of glad I don't... because I'm fairly sure I might have said some pretty effed up shit. I was so tired, so emotional, & so severely depressed all of a sudden that I still cringe at the way I acted towards so many people during that time. After getting diagnosed with post partum depression, my actions didn't seem so confusing anymore. Sure, depression doesn't justify them, but when the nurse told me that it can make the most irrational things seem completely rational & got me started on my prescription, it was easier to get a grip on reality & come back down to Earth.

I will admit, I'm still struggling to remember what was real, & what was just my fear of losing Ivy talking. When Shaun & Tami left the hospital & I was hounded by social workers, I was terrified somebody was going to take Ivy from me the way DCFS took Jax from Shaun & his family. Granted, his Dad has him now... But I couldn't stand the thought of my daughter being taken on by somebody I don't know worth shit. I mean, nothing against him but he is still a stranger to me & in all honesty, if he had taken responsibility for mine & Shaun's baby girl, I'm not sure if we would ever get to be her parents.

I wish I could have seen things the way I do now, then maybe I could have acted on real knowledge rather than irrational thoughts... But I can't change the past. If I could, I wouldn't have learned anything. Even though it still hurts sometimes knowing I really fucked things up, I know there was a lot more to the end of my relationship with Shaun that just that day at the hospital or that text on Christmas day. I can't dwell on the past for the rest of my life, but I'm learning from it & ultimately the experience will make me a better Mother as long as I use the future as an opportunity to change, rather than to wallow in self pity & anger towards those that were involved, because in all reality... They've been burned just as badly as I have.

I Just Don't Wanna Feel

I'm tired of hurting. I wish there was a way I could simply turn my humanity off so I'd never have to feel again, but it isn't that simple. Sometimes I think that I'm okay... But in all reality, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll always be this miserable... This ALONE. I can't trust anyone, so who could I possibly turn to? The only one who ever really understood me is too broken to get involved in my problems, & I can't blame him because I was the one who broke him. Well, I suppose I was the last to break him... Because I'm not quite sure that he was ever really whole in the first place.

I never thought I'd be wasting my life feeling this way... Paying for my mistakes to the point that its impossible to move forward from them. They say that we are products of our past, bit we don't have to be prisoners of it. They're wrong... Some of us can't help ourselves, because sometimes the past is all we have left. Sometimes the only good part of our lives is our memories. Its tragic, but sometimes we don't have any reason to keep fighting. True, I have Ivy... But sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not enough. I want more than I could every dream of giving her. She deserves the world on a silver platter & UK never be able to give her that... But that won't stop me from trying.

I just want to know that there is more to life than heartbreak & the endless longing for somebody to love, & somebody who will return that love. After today, I'm not sure anybody is capable of true love. It just goes to show that you really can't trust anyone & that even when things seem to be looking up, reality will always kick back in & remind us how miserable we really are. Human beings are so pathetic. Weak creatures of habit... Some things can be changed, but in the end it seems to be our worst traits that define who we are as individuals. I fall too hard & trust too easily, which resulted in a miserable cycle of failed relationships. I'm not sure I could trust myself to be I'm another relationship... After the last one, I'm beginning to realize that I will always be broken. Ivy really is all I have to live for. If I didn't have her, I would have given up long ago. She's my life. She saved me from myself. That's more than I deserve.

It Burns

So much for family. As if I haven't been lied to enough by people that I've loved... Now I'm bring lied to by somebody who I should have been able to trust & respect. Somebody that should be thinking about his children before himself. If he wants to choose somebody that has only ever hurt his family over his own children, then fine... But he's going to lose me & Ivy.

It hurt more than anything when he turned to me & asked how I could have been so stupid to love Shaun after everything he had done, but he did the same thing to his family & then wondered why we weren't embracing him. I wasn't stupid to believe that somebody could change for the better... I was stupid to watch him continue making the same mistakes without taking a stand. I will always love my Dad, but he burned me more than Shaun ever did & that is something I'm not sure I could ever forgive.

Runaway

I can't help but count the days until I can get the Hell out of dodge & back to everyone & everything that had kept me same these past few years. Living out here is turning me into somebody I can't help but resent & ever since I had to move out here, my relationship with my family has been going down the drain. I can't stand it. Sometimes I think the only true family I have is Ivy & Grandma. Everyone else's love seems to be conditional, & that isn't what family is.

I don't know what will happen with all of my stuff... I'm tired of having to get rid of everything I own in order to keep a roof over my head, but at least all of Ivy's things will take up enough room for the both of us. As long as we have a good home & its far away from this Hell hole, I really won't complain. I do appreciate my Mum letting me stay, but I really wish I could have stayed with Grandma. I was actually happy there. Here... I'm fucking miserable. I've never felt at home with my family, & maybe its because we have so many drastic differences but I'm not one for families. Families will cut you deeper than anyone else possibly could, because family are the ones that are supposed to care.

I wish I could run away from all of my problems. I wish that I didn't have to worry about taking responsibility for all if my mistakes, & that I didn't care so much about people.. But the truth is, I'm a big girl now. I'm a Mother, & I will never ever walk out on my daughter or put myself before her & her needs. She's my everything, & I wouldn't dream of treating her like she was any less. I know where my properties lie, & even if it hurts... Even if it means losing the people I love, I will stand by what I know is right.

My Boys

It was so good to catch up with David tonight! I can't believe it had been two years since the last time I saw him. TWO YEARS without seeing my best friend. That kid stood up for me when I was being bullied & helped me through some of my darkest times... I've really struggled to get through my depression without him, but somehow I did it. I just had to keep reminding myself that one day, something or someone would make it worth it. I've found plenty of things that have made all those dark days worth it, & Ivy is honestly the most important one. She made everything worth it.

Catching up with David & Jason, it was almost like nothing had changed. David is still such an incredibly positive person, even after everything he's been through. Jason us still such a good kid, & he still manages to make me laugh over our embarrassing history together..  Hell, we did some pretty stupid things but looking back at it all now, it seems somewhat innocent compared to things we have done since. At least we have plenty to laugh about though, & at least we've learned from our mistakes. We are all grown up now, but we are still close as ever. Those boys will always be my best friends, & I can't imagine life without them.