Today was the first time in a long time I've felt really, truly happy. I started to notice the little secrets to a simple happiness that should be obvious, but I've been so bent on being miserable that I completely missed them up until this morning. After crying myself to sleep & dreaming about him all night, I wasn't looking forward to my photo shoot with Faith today. In fact, I was DREADING it. I was ready to cancel & spend the day moping in bed... but it hit me. If I wanted to be happy, I had to allow myself to do the things that I know have made me happy before, & could make me happy again.
I fought with myself for a few minutes before I finally crawled out of bed & into the bathroom. After taking a good long look in the mirror (and remembering I was in there to take a piss), I splashed some water on my face, threw my shoulders back & called Faith to let her know that we were still on for the shoot. Even though I had gotten hardly any sleep & felt overwhelmingly pregnant... (which in all fairness, I am), I just grit my teeth, threw on a dress & some makeup, & practically fell out the front door.
I didn't really notice until I sat down on trax & started playing music on my iPhone that I was feeling somewhat liberated. I felt lighter, like there was a huge weight being lifted off of my chest. I caught myself almost gliding along, rather than dragging my feet. I was pumped & proud. I felt confident in my own skin, & people were noticing! I received several compliments on my "cute baby bump" in the first few stops & a guy even commented on my "gorgeous pregnant glow". I felt a huge rush of familiarity, & it took a moment, but I realized that I was starting to feel like myself again. I was becoming the person I was when I met Shaun. Not ignorant or immature - but happy & independent & carefree. I loved it!
The good feelings kept coming at me throughout the day, & so did the smiles. I couldn't hold it back. I was happy! I AM happy! I never felt more alive then I did when I knew who I was & accepted myself, regardless of my mistakes. Now I'm stronger & smarter than I was when I first met Shaun, & that is going to enable me to be that much happier & that much more confident. I won't let this slip away from me again. I'm in love with who I'm becoming without him, & nobody is going to change that!
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