Love, You Beautiful Bastard

I can honestly say that I have never felt more alive than I have in the past two & a half months. I've done some things that I regret & lost some friends that meant the world to me, but I am genuinely happy to be alive & belong to somebody that even after everything that happened between us, still believes that we're a hopeless cause worth fighting for... that our daughter deserves to have a real family, even if it is pretty damn dysfunctional. I couldn't be more proud of all the changes Shaun has made, & I feel lucky knowing that he made them for Ivy & I.

So here we are, at the beginning of a new chapter. It's been a wild ride, but it's been well worth it. I have the love of my life, we have our beautiful daughter, & every morning I can wake up knowing that despite every trial I've faced, every friend & family member that I've lost, & every time I've felt like giving up, I have something worth fighting for. Love.

I'm Not Sorry

If you forget the way to go & lose where you came from... if no one is standing beside you, be still & know I am. Be still & know that I'm with you. Be still & know I am.

"I'm not sorry that I met you. I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything. You've been a terrible person. You made all the wrong choices, & of all the choices I've made, this will prove to be the worst one, but I am not sorry that I'm in love with you."

I Gave You Up for HER

"Power is being told you are not loved & not being destroyed by it."

In case you were not aware, I'm a single Mum. I take care of my four month old daughter by myself, with little or no help from my friends & family. I ensure that all of her needs are met, even if that means mine aren't, & I try not to leave her with a baby sitter unless I absolutely have to for school purposes. Yes, I left her Dad. I left... & looking back, I'm grateful that I did, for obvious reasons... but two days later I was diagnosed with post partum depression & suffered from quite a few "episodes" throughout the first two months of Ivy's life. If you know anything about post partum depression, you'll know that your thoughts become incredibly irrational & occasionally you can lose your grasp on reality. I know I did for quite some time... but I assure you, my reasons for leaving were extremely reasonable. I've finally overcome my depression & am in the process of overcoming my anxiety. I am moving forward in ways that never would have been possible if I had remained in a relationship with Ivy's Dad, & I couldn't be more proud of myself.

Even though it still hurts sometimes to think about what we had, I know we never could have been. I'm grateful that Ivy gave me the strength to move on, because it only would have ended even worse than it did if we had dragged it out any longer. I don't dare imagine how many more children are going to pop up over the next few years, or how many girls I would have been cheated on with. How many items of jewelry & electronics would go missing... the damage he caused while we were together is unimaginable, & despite the fact that his family hate me for it, I had to get away for Ivy's sake. I will not raise her in that environment. I will not buy her diapers with money made from items he's stolen & pawned. I will not wear an engagement ring that he stole for me. I cannot respect a boy like that, & I will not tolerate it any longer. He may not love me anymore, (although I'm pretty sure he never did), but I'm okay with that. I don't want to be loved by somebody that is going to be loving three other girls at the same time. That is not love, & that is not something I will expose Ivy to. She deserves somebody who will choose her over that lifestyle, & he never will.

I know that one day all that pain will be worth it. One day something wonderful will come along, & I will finally heal. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance... a flying leap, knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, sometimes it feels like I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down... So judge me, hate me, harass me. I don't care. In the end, I'm doing the right thing for my daughter & the one who walked out on her WILL NOT tell me otherwise. I gave up the man I loved because I knew if I stayed with him, Ivy & I would only end up being hurt. If that isn't real love, I don't know what is.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

You can drive me up the wall sometimes, but you have proven to be the most loyal & loving person in my life thus far, & even when you felt hurt & betrayed, you still waited for me. I couldn't ask for a more incredible boyfriend. I love you baby. Truly, madly, deeply.

With Your Love

It's funny how sometimes having your world turned upside down can be for the best, especially when something you never expected to feel hits you full force & all of a sudden, you're a fool in love all over again.

I wasn't really planning on being with anyone for quite some time, if ever... I wanted to get my life in order first. I wanted to ensure that I was the only person that had any say in the kind of life that me & my daughter were going to live, & although I still feel that way, its refreshing to be with somebody who supports my decisions as a Mother first, an individual second, & a girlfriend last. Nobody understands me like he does, & nobody has ever cared as much for me AND my daughter as he does. I've finally moved on, & it feels so good!

I'm Moving on Dammit...

There's No Healing in Hell

"You were the lightning & I was the tree. Your words were the fire that burned the best parts of me."

I blew it. I really blew it this time... I just want to stop feeling. I'm tired of never understanding how I feel because the only feelings I'm sure of, I don't want to have at all. It hurts too much. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'm better off alone, because I'd only hurt anyone who tried to be with me. I need time to heal... & things are only getting worse.

"Protège-Moi"

Sometimes I hate being alone... Not because I get lonely, but because I need to be protected from what I want. Hell, half the time I don't even know what I want, but when I do... It's always something I can never have... Simply because it'll hurt me more than it could ever make me happy.

Have you ever loved something so much it hurt? Have you ever tried to forget... To push past the pain because you believed with all your heart & soul that it was worth the fight, even though you knew that you could never win? My life is one big lie, because I have to pretend that I'm okay living like this. With being alone... Being the only one that fought, even though I lost. Ivy is all I have left, & I love her with all my heart, but I'm tired of living with the memories. I just want to forget everything, so it doesn't hurt to look at her anymore. I want somebody to truly care about me... No other women... Just me. Why is that too much to ask? I guess I'm still too broken to try again, but the other day I heard this story that got me thinking:

Originally when we were designed, we were given four legs, four arms, a single head with two faces, & one soul. Zeus then divided us in half, _
& that is why we as humans feel incomplete... We are forever searching for the one who holds the other half of our soul. That is where the concept of soulmates came from.

Maybe there is somebody out there for me. Maybe I'm giving up too soon... But it isn't wrong to miss being loved, is it? I give everything for my daughter to ensure her happiness, but I'm still alone. I know I'm still young, but I kinda got a head start on life when I became a Mum. I just don't want to be like my parents & lose my soulmate halfway through my life either. I guess all I can really do is be patient, cause I'm not settling for any less than I deserve.

I Could Use Somebody... Someone Like You

I think we are finally starting to work things out... At least, I hope so. I have a lot of wrongs to make up for & we both have a lot of wounds that are going to take quite some time to heal, but I'm not giving up on him. He's given me chances I didn't deserve over & over again, & when it contra down to it... He's worth the fight. He's the only guy I know that would never lie to me, cheat on me, or walk out on me. He's always been that guy, & he understands that I don't wasn't somebody to replace Ivy's Father, cause nobody ever will. I don't want her to be raised with any false ideas about who her Dad is, but that doesn't mean that I can't ever be with someone because they aren't her Dad. I'm allowed to be happy, & he makes me happy... I don't have any intention of giving up on somebody who's never given up on me. Maybe we can't be together for a while, but I'm not exactly looking for anyone else. My heart is set on him, & nobody can change my mind.

Its Killing Me

Every time I hear this, I can't help but break down. Sure, it hurts to remember... But sometimes it huerta even more to forget.

Watch "BLUE OCTOBER "The Feel Again (Stay)" (HD Official Video) from ANY MAN IN AMERICA" on YouTube

Promises We Couldn't Keep

Just a little something I wrote a while ago that I found in a box that was buried in the garage. Its kind of personal, at least to me.. But I thought I'd share it for old times sake.

I promise to live every day as if it were our last day on Earth together, cherishing every moment regardless of the trials we face. I will be understanding & forgiving, knowing that neither of us are perfect but that working through or mistakes together is what makes our relationship so incredibly beautiful. I will treat you with the highest respect & strive every day to show you how much I appreciate you & everything you do for our daughter as well as myself. I will always be there to pick up the pieces & hold you together when the world seems like its falling apart. I will never let you feel like you aren't enough, because in my eyes you & our beautiful daughter are my everything. I will always be honest & faithful, because not only do you know me better than anyone ever has, but nobody could ever compare to the man you are to me. I know I will never be safer or happier than I am when I'm in your arms, & I couldn't be more grateful to have such a dedicated Father to or daughter or a more incredible husband to grow old with. You are the best luck I ever had & I can't wait to see what else life has to offer. Nothing will ever compare to the joy I get, knowing that I'm going to wake up every day for the rest of my life in my best friend's arms. Everything about you is so perfectly fitted to who I am. You are the piece of the puzzle that I didn't know was missing until you walked into my life. I love the way you encourage me to pursue my dreams & push me when I lose faith in myself. I love how you helped me to see the world differently, with all of is potential rather than all the negativity that I was struggling to crawl out of. You have my life meaning. You proved to me that love truly does exist, & you've helped me before a better, stronger happier person. I love you with every piece of me & I am proud to call you my best friend.

Keeps Getting Better

I'm exhausted... But it was definitely worth it. I can't get this stupid smile off of my face! I didn't think I'd ever come close to feeling this happy again, but I'm so glad I do. It might have been stupid of me to stay up on the phone until seven this morning, but like I said... SO worth it.

I Couldn't Resist...

Damn you. I guess this is payback for all the things I got you hooked on... I swore I'd never fall for another fictional character, but you kind of fucked me on that one. I gotta admit, you did look a lot like him for a while. Shame you went back to being a skinhead...

I'm Not Going to Change. I'm Going to GROW.

You never really know who you at until you lose yourself in someone else... At least, that was the case for me. I think when you're in a relationship, you try so hard to be what you think your partner wants that you forget what it was about you that they feel for in the gust place. Maybe that's why so many relationships end so quickly. Hell, maybe that's part of the reason they end so badly. You can't try to change who you are for somebody & then wonder why they themselves have changed.

Some people are made for each other, but those people are usually the ones who already know who they are & refuse to settle. The failed relationships are the ones that one individual invests too much of themselves in, which in turn causes the other person to stop investing altogether. Why should you continue to invest itself in something you didn't sign up for? If you're going to be with somebody, you want to be reassured that whatever it was that had you sold from day one isn't going to fade with time.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I either settle for less than I deserve or I lose myself in a poor attempt to be what I think they want me to be. I need to remember who I am & what exactly it was about me that made them fall for me in the first place... Its okay to grow with time, but that didn't mean that I have to change who I am. I won't do that for anyone, no matter how much I care for them. I've lost who I am so many times that I'm struggling to find myself again, & no matter what anyone says, losing yourself because you love somebody just isn't worth it. I can never be the same person I was when I met Mark, or Cameron or Shaun. There are qualities they have all brought out in me, & qualities I lost because I wanted to be what they wanted. I forgot that if I wasn't what they wanted, they wouldn't have been with me in the first place. Now at least I recognize that, & I'm determined to find myself again... But not for them, or any other man. I want to find myself for me. I want to be proud of who I am. I'm not settling, & I'm not changing for anybody.

Too Soon

I've never felt so much hatred in my life as I do tonight. All I've tried to do is ensure that Ivy is not only safe & happy, but that she has the family that she deserves. In the end, nobody wanted her. Nobody really loved her, because nobody really believed that she could be a part of their family. And they're right. She can't be a part of their family, because they don't deserve her. I don't regret loving her Father, but I wish I had never gone to Wyoming. I wish I had never given him another chance, because he continued to walk out & burn up chances he didn't deserve. I will never allow myself to feel for him again. Ivy is not his daughter, because he is no Father. He never will be as far as I'm concerned. If I never see his face again, it'll be too soon. Me & Ivy have a bright future ahead of us with people that love us & I will never allow Shaun to interfere with our happiness again.

It's Over

It's strange to think that after everything, it's finally come to an end. After a little over a year, it's finally time to say goodbye to somebody I believed would be by my side for the rest of my life... & I'm finally okay with that. I couldn't spend my whole life waiting on him to fight for me or our daughter, because it would never happen. I'm grateful it's ended, so I can finally make a new life. This time around, I'm going to learn from my mistakes... I'm going to do what makes me happy instead of what makes everyone else happy. I'm going to live in the moment, & I'm eventually, I'm going to allow myself to love again. I owe it to Ivy. It's too late for Shaun now, but it's not too late for me to find happiness... & that is exactly what I plan on doing.

My Whole World

It's hard sometimes... I love being a Mum, & I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, but losing her Father in an attempt to protect her is breaking my heart. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose everything we had all over again, but I have to do what I believe is right for Ivy. What kind of Mother would I be if I didn't? I just want her to be safe & happy & healthy... But I also want her to have her Daddy in her life, & the way things are going between us, the chances of that seem slimmer & slimmer. Yes, he broke my heart... but I broke his. It wasn't my intention, but I got scared & ran away just like he has so many times before. I'm an idiot, but then again... If I hadn't left... If Grandma hadn't asked me to leave... Things could have fallen apart on their own anyway. Thats what kills me. We were falling apart, & I wasn't ready for our relationship to end... So I had to go.

I wish he was here to hold his daughter. To see how much more she's grown to look like him in the past few days. To hear her giggle in her sleep & to rock her when she cries. I want that for both of them. But I can't win. I can't make anybody happy without something being wrong, & I'm struggling. I'm losing myself, & the only thing in the world keeping me together is Ivy. She's quite literally my everything. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that girl... Even if it means losing the one I love

Come All Ye Whovians

Yes, we're nerds, & yes, we're pretty damn proud of it! I always knew I could never love anyone who wasn't a Whovian... Any of you lovely readers out there fans of Doctor Who? We can't wait for the Christmas special! What about you?

What is Love?

Some things that many have a tendency to forget about the topic of love:

You can't hurry love. You can't slow it down or stop it either.

It may be better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all, but it's even better to live to tell about it.

If you love someone, set them free. Or at least give them a sick day every now & again.

Love means never having to say you're sorry, but saying it anyway.

Love conquers all. Surrender! Resistance is futile!

Follow your heart & you'll never be lost. Though you may get better mileage if you figure out where you're going in the first place.

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Give Me Something to Believe

Its official. I couldn't possibly be more miserable than I am right now. Last night was awful, this morning went by far too slow, & I'm absolutely dreading this afternoon. I'm dreading facing Shaun after everything that was said last night... I'm afraid that it'll result in another fight or that we're just going to come home in an awkward silence & it'll last until I go into labor. This stress is killing me. This misery is killing me. I want to be happy again dammit, & I'm just becoming more & more miserable the more we fall apart. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much, because it'd be easier to turn him away... But I don't want to give up on us just yet. I want to believe that we can be happy together, & that we can make things work. Maybe I just have too much faith. Maybe it's time to stop believing, because I've run out of reasons to believe in anything anymore.