A Letter That I'll Never Send

My Dear Ivy Rose,

I dreamed about you all night long. About your Daddy... about her. Just more nightmares that seem to haunt me a little more every night. More fears that awaken within me every time I close my eyes... except this time, I dreamed of something that I never wanted to consider. I dreamed that he died. I dreamed that he couldn't live with the guilt of giving you up, & when he saw your sweet little face for the first time he realized how selfish he had been. How much he missed out on... & he chose to end it rather than attempt to fix the damage he had caused. As I watched him hanging there, the fear that things might one day happen that way consumed me. He always said if he lost his sweet little Ivy Rose that he couldn't live with himself. Well after last night, he lost more than I think he bargained for... & he doesn't even know it yet.

I hope one day you can understand my decision to cut him from our lives. I hope that you won't ever grow to hate me for it, because I'm trying to protect you... I'm trying to delay the pain as long as possible. Pain is inevitable when it comes to your Father, but misery is optional. Unfortunately, I never really saw it that way until last night. When I found out what he put our family through... that he betrayed my trust in more ways than one, I couldn't watch him hurt you in the way that he's hurt your brother, or your Grandma or Great Grandma. I couldn't let you see the life he's chosen over you. The awful people he chose to associate with over having a loving family & a home. He gave up everything... & he doesn't seem to care.

I hope you never have to understand what he's put this family through. I hope you never have to watch him walk out the door, because I don't think I could bear to let him walk through it again. He may have helped me become a better, stronger person... but he became everything he swore he'd never be. He became the Father that he loathed & the fiance that he never would have forgiven if he had been hurt in the same way he had hurt me. I love your Father... I do. But I hate the choices he's made. I hate the man he's become, & I hate knowing that we didn't mean enough to him to stay & fight. I will always fight for you baby girl... I will always do everything in my power to give you the life you deserve & make sure that you never know what your Father chose over us, because it would break your heart every minute of every day for the rest of your life. I don't want you to become hateful & cold the way he did... I want you to know happiness, & I'm going to do my very best to show you the best example of what real happiness looks like. I love you Ivy Rose.