Maybe One Day

I think it's harder at night... because that's when the reality hits that he isn't here. That he won't be here to hold me all night & wipe away my tears while I cry myself to sleep, because the fact is he won't be coming back. I couldn't let him even if I wanted to, because I know he'd just break my heart all over again. I can't take any more lies. I just can't. Not only does Ivy deserve better... but so do I. I need to put an end to this for myself. I need to move on & make a life for me & my daughter instead of taking one step forward & ten steps back every time he wants to be with me. I'm not living on his terms anymore. I'm living on mine. I deserve to be happy, & even if that means I lose him for good - it's something I have to do.

It doesn't mean I don't miss him. I probably will for a long time. I'm never going to stop wishing things had been different for us. For Ivy. I wanted SO much more for our sweet little baby girl. I don't think I'll ever understand why he didn't feel the same way. I can't really beat myself up about it though... because it won't change anything. He's still the same Shaun that played me from day one, but I'm not the same Leah anymore. I'm strong enough to put a stop to the heartbreak & the lies & the betrayal. I'm strong enough to live without him & give Ivy everything that he should be giving up his life to give to her. If that's not enough to help me sleep at night... I don't know what is.

All I know is that I have so much ahead of me. I have the chance to make a life for Ivy & I that I never would have considered before I ended things with Shaun... I'm not quite sure what to do with it, but I know I'm going to make the most of every minute of every day with my angel. She holds my heart & I can't wait to see her beautiful face & hold her in my arms & shower her with all the love & affection she deserves... Taylor was wrong when she said I made a mistake. Ivy wasn't a mistake, & neither was her Father. Letting him get away with lying & cheating for so long was a mistake... but loving him & creating our perfect little girl? That was DEFINITELY not a mistake. I'll never regret what we had. I wish we could have it again, but not here. Not now. Maybe one day when he understands what it takes to be a Father & understands what it means to be faithful. Maybe then we'll have a fighting chance.