Every Life is a Pile of Good Things

It's funny how certain events that occur in a single moment can change the direction of our entire lives. Decisions that seem harmless at that point in time drastically change our future in the blink of an eye, & although some decisions can lead to a lifetime of pain & regret, some choices can prove to be the best you will ever make. Ivy was one of those events that ultimately will lead to happiness. She may have been the result of irresponsible decisions, but in the end she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's brought light into my life where I thought there would only ever be darkness. She helped me to see my potential, & helped me to realize who in my life was harming me, & who was helping me to succeed. She helped me to become a better person, & I haven't even seen her sweet little face yet! I owe her so much, because she changed my life for the better.

I may have suffered a lot of heartbreak, & I may still yet suffer... but that doesn't erase the good that she's done. That doesn't cancel out the good that has yet to come, & it certainly doesn't make my decision to keep her stupid or irresponsible. I chose to keep my child so that she could not only have a chance at life, but so that I could as well. I needed somebody to come along that would motivate me to work hard & make the necessary sacrifices that would eventually result in my happiness... & now I have somebody else's happiness to fight for: Ivy Rose. My sweet, innocent daughter. My guardian angel. She came to me when I needed somebody not only to love me, but to love in return. It may not have been in the way I had hoped for, but it was in the way that I needed. I needed somebody worthy to give my life to, & here she is. I may have lost my best friend, & many other friends along the way... I may have lost my family for a while... but she brought us together again, & maybe one day her Father will realize what he's missing & fight for her the way I have all this time.

Maybe she'll be the one who can help Shaun be a better person, the way she helped me. Maybe he just isn't ready yet... but I hope that day comes, because I want her to grow up knowing that she's his world as well as mine. That may never be the case... but at least she'll know that I've fought for her, & will continue to fight until the day I die. My Ivy Rose is worth it to me.

The First Snow

First snowfall of the season this morning - & DAYUUMMMM it's cold outside! It might already be melting, but quite honestly I am DREADING the weather that is bound to follow. I may despise summer in Utah, but the winters here are either wet & slushy, or brutally cold & unforgiving. Either way I just wish it would snow on Thanksgiving, & over Christmas - that's IT. After that, it's alright to snow if it's on my birthday & that is if it's just a light snowfall to make this horribly ugly state pretty for a few hours for my sake. It just figures that Shaun & I would have a winter baby. Lucky bastard got to be born in March, but nooooo. I had to be born in January as well as Jaxsen, & now Ivy will either be born in November or December. Oh how I pity the winter babies. I always spend my birthday in bed with a runny nose, coughing my guts up while everybody else is still celebrating the New Year. Fingers crossed that this birthday will be different!

Well, I guess one good thing about the snowfall is that it inspired my good friend to come & see me. He wanted me to take some shots of him in the snow, & of course I am more than obliged to. Any excuse to take a few photos! So after I get myself ready, I'll be catching up with him for a bit before I spend the evening with my family (which is badly needed after the unnecessary bitterness I've had towards my Mum these past couple months). I've really enjoyed making up with her & just being able to talk with her, even though it's still hard to feel entirely comfortable. She used to be my best friend, & if things continue the way they have been going the past week, I won't be surprised if we have a relationship like that again.

It'd be nice for Ivy to see that her Mother can have a relationship with her Nanny, so that she knows it's alright to have that kind of friendship with me too. In all honesty, I want her to respect me as well as come to me when she needs a friend. I want to be able to be her best friend & her protector... & as much as I wish her Father could play some sort of part in all of this, I hope that one day if he ever walks back into our lives that he'll be able to see that I've dedicated mine to taking care of our daughter & ensuring she has the best life has to offer. Then at least he'll know that she always came first... he was just too blinded by his own guilty conscience to see it.

Reflection

I think the reason why I never really recognize myself in the mirror is because I'm expecting my reflection to somewhat resemble the person I used to be. Dark hair, dark makeup, dark clothes, dark sense of humor & quite literally no soul. I had no regard for anybody's feelings, their money or the people in their lives. I had no respect, although I was quite skilled at pretending that I did. I was a fake. There was nothing there... nothing. Nothing to make me feel guilty, nothing to hold me back from getting what I wanted. I was completely heartless, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in order to realize that I'm not going to see that person in the mirror anymore.

Shaun may have been the event that changed my life, but I was the one who made the decisions that allowed him to change my life. I changed who I was... because I wanted to feel what I thought he was feeling. I wanted to be as alive inside as he seemed to be on the outside. I wanted to feel again, & I wanted to understand what it meant to really give yourself to someone... so I did. I allowed him to break through my walls & I felt my heart melt. It was overwhelming, but exhilarating. I didn't ever want it to end.

Unfortunately, even the best things do come to an end... but when I let him break me down & I began to feel again, I knew that I would never be cold. I would never be heartless or thoughtless or careless in the way I was before he came along. I liked who I had become. Even though it hurt like Hell & it sometimes got to the point that I thought it would be better to be numb, I knew that it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. Now? I may have put an end to that pain to an extent... but I'll never regret him. I'll never regret the person I became for him, & I will never ever regret loving him.

When Boredom Hits

Arghhh! Boredom & hunger have finally hit me full force! As far as I know... there's nothing on tv (although I haven't checked yet), & I've scoured the fridge, freezer, & pantry looking for something that looks somewhat edible, but unfortunately I only found Texas toast. At this point, I would kill for a Doctor Who marathon & Chinese food. Either that or a big fat juicy steak. Mmmmm... steak. Where's Peggy when I need her? I'd die a happy Momma if I had Peggy here cooking me good ol' German food. Just my luck that the roommates are asleep & I'm up passing the time by blogging about useless nonsense & attempting to make Texas toast.

I wish I had friends that lived a little closer... or a car with a full tank of gas. I'm going completely stir crazy sitting around here packing all damn day. I just want to get the moving process over with. I'm tired of moving around from place to place constantly. I just want ONE home. Somewhere I don't have to worry about moving from for a while. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe things will change. Maybe I'll actually have a more permanent home for Ivy & I without worrying about rent or deadlines or obnoxious roommates. Somewhere that Ivy will feel safe & at home. One can only hope I guess.

An Unforgettable Summer

A Letter That I'll Never Send

My Dear Ivy Rose,

I dreamed about you all night long. About your Daddy... about her. Just more nightmares that seem to haunt me a little more every night. More fears that awaken within me every time I close my eyes... except this time, I dreamed of something that I never wanted to consider. I dreamed that he died. I dreamed that he couldn't live with the guilt of giving you up, & when he saw your sweet little face for the first time he realized how selfish he had been. How much he missed out on... & he chose to end it rather than attempt to fix the damage he had caused. As I watched him hanging there, the fear that things might one day happen that way consumed me. He always said if he lost his sweet little Ivy Rose that he couldn't live with himself. Well after last night, he lost more than I think he bargained for... & he doesn't even know it yet.

I hope one day you can understand my decision to cut him from our lives. I hope that you won't ever grow to hate me for it, because I'm trying to protect you... I'm trying to delay the pain as long as possible. Pain is inevitable when it comes to your Father, but misery is optional. Unfortunately, I never really saw it that way until last night. When I found out what he put our family through... that he betrayed my trust in more ways than one, I couldn't watch him hurt you in the way that he's hurt your brother, or your Grandma or Great Grandma. I couldn't let you see the life he's chosen over you. The awful people he chose to associate with over having a loving family & a home. He gave up everything... & he doesn't seem to care.

I hope you never have to understand what he's put this family through. I hope you never have to watch him walk out the door, because I don't think I could bear to let him walk through it again. He may have helped me become a better, stronger person... but he became everything he swore he'd never be. He became the Father that he loathed & the fiance that he never would have forgiven if he had been hurt in the same way he had hurt me. I love your Father... I do. But I hate the choices he's made. I hate the man he's become, & I hate knowing that we didn't mean enough to him to stay & fight. I will always fight for you baby girl... I will always do everything in my power to give you the life you deserve & make sure that you never know what your Father chose over us, because it would break your heart every minute of every day for the rest of your life. I don't want you to become hateful & cold the way he did... I want you to know happiness, & I'm going to do my very best to show you the best example of what real happiness looks like. I love you Ivy Rose.

A Poem for Ivy rose

I can't believe how much faith I had in somebody who was so undeserving of it. Love really is blind, but when the realization hits that not only did they never really love you from the beginning, but that there's somebody else out there so much more deserving of your love... it really opens your eyes to a confidence & sense of self worth that you never would have even believed you had inside you before you heart was broken.

My sweet sweet baby Ivy Rose
I can't wait to see your face
You'll never know how hard it is
To just sit around and wait

You'll never know how much you're worth
Or how hard I'll fight to show you
You'll never know how scared I was
That I may never get to know you

You'll never know what I would do
Or how far I would go
You'll never know what it would take
To make sure you never know

I promise that I'll give my all
And fight hard every day
Ivy Rose, I'm not going anywhere
Just for you, I chose to stay

I can honestly say, my love for my baby girl opened my eyes to all the bullshit that her Father dragged me into & all the lies I tried so hard to overlook. Now that I have my family again & I have his family supporting me, I'm stronger than ever before. I'm moving on with my life, & I'm saying goodbye to the misery & the disappointment that has been consuming me for the past year. I'm done wasting my time with somebody who obviously was never worth it. I will give him this though... he gave me the most beautiful, incredible gift that anybody could have ever given me. She may have been created out of drunken stupidity & teenage hormones, but we created her together nonetheless & because of that one night I have a piece of happiness that will last a lifetime. My baby girl made all the pain worth it, & she always will.

He Didn't Change. He Got Tired of Pretending.

Sometimes I think I'm moving backwards, or even pushing pause on my life while everybody else is moving forward... worst of all, Shaun could practically dance circles around me at this point. I mean, he has since the beginning so what's to stop him from doing it again? I did let him, after all. I don't regret loving him or the time we had together, but I'm beginning to regret more & more how reckless I was with my emotions. I let that silly little boy with blue eyes & freckles turn my world upside down over & over again, & when his fun had ended & I finally managed to turn everything right side up... he'd do it again to spite me.

Reading back on everything I've written about him, I want to kick myself. How could I see so clearly what he was doing to me & what kind of direction my life was heading in & still allow him to play with my heart like that? How could I have been so stupid? He's absolutely brilliant... & although he's well aware of it, his cockiness makes him vulnerable to betrayal & disloyalty & I'm beginning to see as if for the first time that he never really was who I thought. Even when I saw him changing, & watched him trying hard to be a better person... it was all a lie. A sick, twisted, selfish lie. He never cared about what would happen to me or Ivy if he left. He never cared about anybody, even himself.

Maybe it's time to really move on. It's time to press play on my life & move forward at my own pace. No more rushing into things, no more pushing pause & waiting on somebody that can't stop living their life in fast forward. I want to make something of my life, & I don't want to be a victim of emotion anymore. I won't be a slave to my heart, or those big blue eyes that seem to swallow me whole whenever I drop my guard. My defenses might have been shot, but I'm building up walls so high that they will not only keep him out of my heart & my head, but keep me from trying to scramble over them & get lost in his arms. I'm tired of being caught up in the fantasy that is Shaun Tyler Bills. I'm tired of living a lie & covering for his in the meantime. That's not love. That's pure & utter stupidity.

Yes, I did love him. I still do. But I am NOT weak anymore. I'm not somebody to take advantage of or to discard when I've hit my expiration date because as far as I'm concerned, until I'm dead & gone - I don't have one. I wanted to believe he was better, & although I know he is capable of being better, he hasn't shown me that he cares to be. If money is what drives him... if lies & betrayal & running is what really drives him, then he can let it drive him until he's being driven right over the edge of a cliff. That's where he'll end up if he doesn't wise up & stop trying to fool himself into believing that the life he's living is success. It's not. Everything he's done, & everything he's doing will ultimately lead to failure. He's going to end up miserable & alone, with absolutely nothing to his name & nobody there to help him out of the hole he's been digging for himself. He's got to do that on his own, but if he doesn't wise up soon he might as well start burying himself now... because he has nowhere left to run.

He may be Ivy's Father, but he's not fooling anybody. He's not a parent. He's far from it... he's selfish, dishonest, & a full on coward. He ran when he couldn't take the responsibility of providing for & raising a child, & he chose money over the little girl who will one day grow to wonder why her Daddy was never there. What am I supposed to tell her? That she wasn't enough? No. I can't tell her that... I can't tell her anything, because there's nothing to tell. There's nothing there. Just an empty shell of somebody who once had the potential to be a great man & an even greater Father & husband. Just a God damn shadow. That is all he is, & all he ever will be unless he makes the decision to change. Not just for Ivy, but for himself. Until he can do that, I don't want any part of what he considers freedom. I don't want anything to do with that shadow of a man that I once loved & am left to question if I am even capable of ever loving again.

So here it is... the truth. The reality of the situation. The man behind all the tears & the heartache & the bullshit. The man you all know as Shaun Bills... the friend, the brother, the son, the boyfriend, the husband...  the "Father". The fake. The little boy I will no longer cry for, & the impostor our daughter will never cry over. The shadow that no longer darkens my life, & never will again.

I Wish You'd Stay

A blog entry from Saturday, March 31st. The day Shaun married Sydney, & I completely fell apart. I can't believe how blind I was, but if I know anything... I know that words on a page speak more than my mouth ever will. My feelings haven't changed... even though I know now that his probably never existed.

I never thought I'd feel so empty... or so broken. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain on such an intimate level. I've lost so many people... so many people I thought I loved. I didn't realize until now that I never really loved them. Not like this anyway. The pain I experienced when I lost them was nothing in comparison to the agony of losing Shaun. It's like I'm watching the world burn to the ground around me & I'm being buried in the ashes. Everything we had, everything we dreamed of having is gone. In only a matter of minutes, we lost it all. I lost the love of my life... & it's killing me. 

Shaun was the only one that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me a purpose. He breathed life into me & when I fell in love with him, it was like I was awakening from an eternity of nightmares. I was frozen. Numb... before he came along. I was incapable of showing or feeling any sign of weakness, & although sometimes I wished I could be that way again, I will never regret the emotions that I'm drowning in. They might be spilling over, flooding my tear ducts with salt water, but love is bittersweet. I can taste it. I used to thrive on physical pain. I enjoyed it in a strange, twisted sort of way. Any physical pain I experienced previous to meeting Shaun doesn't even come close to hurting me as much as a broken heart. Fuck... it was already broken. He was the glue holding it together. Today, I felt it shatter like a mirror into thousands of little pieces, & I'm afraid to move or feel in case I should step on them & shatter them more. Not that my heart is capable of breaking again. The pieces of my heart are practically dust... 

I think what's killing me most is that I lost my best friend... the love of my life... my soul mate, to somebody that makes him completely & utterly miserable. It hurts knowing I've lost him, but it hurts knowing that he's unhappy. That I could make him happy... that's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted, or I would have let him go a long time ago. I never would have supported his decision, but it was his only option, & I have to understand that. I know he didn't want this, & I know that this may be my only chance to express myself before what's left of my world is just dust in the wind... but I wish more than anything that I could hold my blue eyed devil & promise him that everything will be okay. That he'll be happy again, & that I'll always be here & always love him like he told me earlier... & as much as I didn't want to believe it at the time, I know he meant it. Knowing he still loves me broke my heart, because he belongs to somebody else... but I'm fortunate enough to know that I still hold a place in his heart, & that his feelings for me haven't changed.

So here it is... the journeys end. I hope just for the time being, but it really does feel like the end of everything good. Everything we had has been tucked away in the back of our minds, & even James isn't here to comfort me. Everything & everyone has been shut out. We have to be numb to survive. It's instinct I suppose, & it's such a terribly cold lifestyle. Without Shaun, I know no other way to live. I hope that one day we can feel again... & I know I shouldn't sit here & wish that he could stay & that he'd never let go. Maybe I'm crazy, but the only faith I have left is in him, & I will never ever let go of that. I'll never stop hoping & wishing & dreaming... one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel, & although he's far from perfect, he's my angel. If I can tolerate Michael & Tantric & Georgina & Rebecca, I can hold on to that last little piece of faith & pray that it becomes reality. It might not be much to go on, but it's all I've got.

Monsters

The world is full of monsters... some are beautiful, cloaked in darkness & solitude. Others are cruel & twisted, existing only to drag you down to the fiery depths we know as Hell. It seems so harmless at first, to converse with the shadows. Nothing compares to the cold rush you feel when you exchange words, or a simple touch with something you thought so forbidden. Some may consider us a privileged few. We know better. We are the lone wanderers. The nowhere men. The cursed.  

 Growing up you learn to thrive on the darkness. As infants, it helps us develop. As we get older, we are taught to fear it. We notice something strange & uninviting about it & not even our curiosity could get the better of us. We beg our parents to check our closets & underneath our beds, never imagining that the only thing we need fear is the monster growing from within us. The haunting voice pawing at the back of minds is the mother we never knew. She is bringing Hell to our world & raising an army. We are her soldiers. Her legacy... & my blue eyed devil... her masterpiece. He will set fire to everything we know & love, & all that will remain is ash. Those luck enough to be left standing will rise from it & crawl in the chaos he left in his wake. His gift to the survivors is the destruction of the weak. The world is his playground, & eventually we must learn to accept it or fail in our attempt to fight it.

Looking Glass

To see the world through your eyes
To get a better understanding
of the heartbreak & the longing
and your life that's so demanding

The soul that's feeling incomplete
The girl that tore you apart
The memories that hurt the most
And the lonely broken heart

To be free to love you
Forever wishing you loved me
But we're both scared & feeling trapped - 
By past mistakes, why can't you see?

I'm falling deeper & I'm frightened
I'm calling but you're far away
You can't hear my heart beating for you
Without you I'll die this way

For Shaun

My life is filled with shadows

I fear that I'm alone

I'll follow where the wind blows

Though I do not wish to roam

My memories are jumbled still

By all the lies I've told

Try to untangle if you will

Cause this charade has gotten old

The love I fought so hard to keep

Has left me craving pain

And through these clothes my blood does seep

As I lay dying in the rain

My Sweet Baby Girl

Thirty two weeks & one day. I can't believe how fast time flies! Not long now & I'll be the Mother of a beautiful baby girl... it's hard to imagine, but I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything else more in my entire life! Miss Ivy Rose is changing my world a little more every day, & I haven't even held her in my arms yet. I haven't even seen her perfect little face, or had the chance to sing her to sleep. I wish it was her Daddy that could be here singing to her, but that isn't a possibility at this point in time. I wish things were different... I really do. He has a lot of growing up to do before he can even begin to be a Father, or a husband. Even a friend... but he's still her Dad & she still has a right to know how much he meant to me. How much she meant to him, even if it was only for a while.

I can't wait to see what she looks like. WHO she looks like. If she'll have my eyes, or his nose... if she'll drool in her sleep like he does or if she'll concentrate with her tongue hanging out of her mouth like me. All the little things that we usually don't think about are going to become a bigger part of our lives now that there's somebody to carry on our funny little habits & physical features. She's going to be the perfect mix. I just hope that she doesn't pick up on any of our bad traits... I hope she can be strong & hold her ground when shit gets hard. I hope she'll be honest with herself as well as the people around her. I hope she'll be smart enough to learn from our mistakes... as well as her own, & more than anything I hope she never forgets how important she is to her family.

Maybe raising Ivy will be the one thing I do right in this world. Maybe I can help her build a life for herself rather than allowing her to watch her Father destroy his. Maybe she'll go far in life, or maybe she'll decide to stick close to home & start her own family. Whatever she wants to do, she'll have my full support. I'm going to do everything I can to give my baby girl the world. I want her to know how much she means to her Mum. No matter what, I'm never going to stop fighting to give her the life I always wanted, but somehow lost sight of along the way. I'll never stop fighting... because she's worth it.

I Wouldn't

I have so many good memories attached to the UTA Trax. Not many are related to my previous relationships, but the ones that are all involve the same person. I dated several guys since I started hanging out at Sandy Civic last year, but none of them really left an impression... none except Shaun. While the other guys I had dated pursued me, I saw him & in that moment I knew I'd never want to be with anybody else again. I knew I had to talk to him, & talking led to a whirlwind relationship that I never before would have dreamed of having. As a result of my bumming a cigarette off of him at Fashion Place Trax station, I have a beautiful baby girl on the way. My entire life changed because I had the confidence to approach him, & if I could take it back - I wouldn't. Ivy is forever going to represent that one simple moment can change your life in ways that you'd never expect, but will always cherish.

Peaches & Cream

Some more shots of Emily & Cayley at Liberty Park. These two are just so stunning, I can't believe it! I get so lucky with all these photogenic friends.

Miserable

I still don't get it. I'm fucking miserable. I'm trying so hard to keep a smile on my face & be strong for Ivy... but there's no point if it isn't working. Nothing's changed. I still lost my best friend. Ivy still lost her Daddy, & I'm still miserable beyond belief. My trying to be happy doesn't do anything as far as I can see, other than give everybody that reassurance of "Oh thank GOD - she's not whining anymore". Yeah, I feel pretty damn good about my life right now.

I just want Shaun to pull his head out of his ass already. I'm tired of the silence between us... at this point, I'd prefer screaming to this. Whatever THIS is. There's nothing anymore. No hatred, no anger, no pain. Just lonely, miserable silence. I don't know what changed, but I want us back. I want my family back.... I thought I made him happy the way he made me. I guess, once again, I was wrong.

Best Friend's Shoot with Emily & Cayley

Today I finally got to do a shoot with some of my good girl friends, Emily & Cayley. These two are honestly just so damn adorable! They're so funny & honestly, I love taking photos of people that are just relaxed & fun to be around. These two made my day! I can't wait to photograph them again :D

Instagram - Busy Week for a Blimp!

It's only Thursday, & it's already been one Hell of a week! Even though I spend so much time at home, I've been running around a lot more ever since I got home from Wyoming. At first it was to keep myself occupied so I wasn't moping all the time, but now it's just because I enjoy it! I've missed spending time with my friends & getting lost in Salt Lake during photo shoots & now it finally feels like I have part of my old life back. I'm happy - and I effing love it!

 Almost thirty two weeks, & I'm turning into a zombified blimp! At least they tell me I'm small!

 Loving the shirt Nicole bought me! Not a fan of pink, but it looks good on this Mama.

 I think... yes, I think I'm having a chunky baby!

It's fuzzy sock season again! Yeah baby :P

 Photos in Salt Lake in the morning, catching up with old friends in the afternoon, & dinner with Daddy at night! Loving these busy fall days :D

I get paid in gift cards! It's SO much better than gum ;)

We Develop from the Negatives

"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."

Today was the first time in a long time I've felt really, truly happy. I started to notice the little secrets to a simple happiness that should be obvious, but I've been so bent on being miserable that I completely missed them up until this morning. After crying myself to sleep & dreaming about him all night, I wasn't looking forward to my photo shoot with Faith today. In fact, I was DREADING it. I was ready to cancel & spend the day moping in bed... but it hit me. If I wanted to be happy, I had to allow myself to do the things that I know have made me happy before, & could make me happy again.

I fought with myself for a few minutes before I finally crawled out of bed & into the bathroom. After taking a good long look in the mirror (and remembering I was in there to take a piss),  I splashed some water on my face, threw my shoulders back & called Faith to let her know that we were still on for the shoot. Even though I had gotten hardly any sleep & felt overwhelmingly pregnant... (which in all fairness, I am), I just grit my teeth, threw on a dress & some makeup, & practically fell out the front door.

I didn't really notice until I sat down on trax & started playing music on my iPhone that I was feeling somewhat liberated. I felt lighter, like there was a huge weight being lifted off of my chest. I caught myself almost gliding along, rather than dragging my feet. I was pumped & proud. I felt confident in my own skin, & people were noticing! I received several compliments on my "cute baby bump" in the first few stops & a guy even commented on my "gorgeous pregnant glow". I felt a huge rush of familiarity, & it took a moment, but I realized that I was starting to feel like myself again. I was becoming the person I was when I met Shaun. Not ignorant or immature - but happy & independent & carefree. I loved it!

The good feelings kept coming at me throughout the day, & so did the smiles. I couldn't hold it back. I was happy! I AM happy! I never felt more alive then I did when I knew who I was & accepted myself, regardless of my mistakes. Now I'm stronger & smarter than I was when I first met Shaun, & that is going to enable me to be that much happier & that much more confident. I won't let this slip away from me again. I'm in love with who I'm becoming without him, & nobody is going to change that!

Faith - Up Close & Personal

I was fortunate enough to finally find the time for a quick shoot in Salt Lake this morning with an old friend - which I can honestly say was badly needed! It was nice to snap away & forget everything that's been eating at me over the past few weeks & it was even nicer to have the old me back, even if it was only for a couple hours. For the first time in a long time I was smiling & laughing & remembering everything I loved about who I was before I met Shaun. I definitely need to make a point to make time for myself more often. Anyway... here is the lovely Faith - up close & personal!

Maybe One Day

I think it's harder at night... because that's when the reality hits that he isn't here. That he won't be here to hold me all night & wipe away my tears while I cry myself to sleep, because the fact is he won't be coming back. I couldn't let him even if I wanted to, because I know he'd just break my heart all over again. I can't take any more lies. I just can't. Not only does Ivy deserve better... but so do I. I need to put an end to this for myself. I need to move on & make a life for me & my daughter instead of taking one step forward & ten steps back every time he wants to be with me. I'm not living on his terms anymore. I'm living on mine. I deserve to be happy, & even if that means I lose him for good - it's something I have to do.

It doesn't mean I don't miss him. I probably will for a long time. I'm never going to stop wishing things had been different for us. For Ivy. I wanted SO much more for our sweet little baby girl. I don't think I'll ever understand why he didn't feel the same way. I can't really beat myself up about it though... because it won't change anything. He's still the same Shaun that played me from day one, but I'm not the same Leah anymore. I'm strong enough to put a stop to the heartbreak & the lies & the betrayal. I'm strong enough to live without him & give Ivy everything that he should be giving up his life to give to her. If that's not enough to help me sleep at night... I don't know what is.

All I know is that I have so much ahead of me. I have the chance to make a life for Ivy & I that I never would have considered before I ended things with Shaun... I'm not quite sure what to do with it, but I know I'm going to make the most of every minute of every day with my angel. She holds my heart & I can't wait to see her beautiful face & hold her in my arms & shower her with all the love & affection she deserves... Taylor was wrong when she said I made a mistake. Ivy wasn't a mistake, & neither was her Father. Letting him get away with lying & cheating for so long was a mistake... but loving him & creating our perfect little girl? That was DEFINITELY not a mistake. I'll never regret what we had. I wish we could have it again, but not here. Not now. Maybe one day when he understands what it takes to be a Father & understands what it means to be faithful. Maybe then we'll have a fighting chance.

Leah Taylor Photography - New Edits

I Hate Endings

I hate endings... but the worst part about something coming to an end is that something new comes along in it's place. Nothing ever really ends... it just begins again. To be quite honest, the thought of that scares the living Hell out of me because I've been waiting so long for something to happen & now that it really is I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. How do I handle the unfamiliar? I used to handle it well, but then again I used to be a lot more independent. Not that I'm not now... I have to be. The fact is, I did a lot more with my life before I let consistency take over. Now I need that adventure again... I need to find more to do with my life than sit around & wait on something that'll never happen.

I just want to believe that change is good. Things have been the same for so long... it almost felt like I was at a complete stand still. Now I'm walking around in circles because I can't find a God damn door to walk through to escape it all. I just want to believe that things really will get better, because I want to give Ivy the best life has to offer & I need to find a better life than what I've been living... I can't make her happy if I'm always going to be unhappy. There has to be something out there for us. I just have to find it.

Even though I promised myself & I promised Ivy that no other man will ever take her Father's place... I know I'll still be tempted. Not with men, but with women. I know I couldn't even handle the thought of being with a different man sexually, but a women? That's a different story. When Taylor added me on Facebook, I can't honestly say that thought didn't pop into my mind. Not involving her. No, I couldn't do that. I only will allow people that will benefit our lives to be a part of it... but the thought of being with other women did get me for a moment. I don't think I could, but even then... right now I'm focusing on Ivy & I. Nobody else. Maybe one day in the future I'll consider being with somebody, but I don't think I really would. I guess I'll have to wait & see. All I know is that all that matters is right here & right now & doing what it takes to provide for my baby girl. Nothing else even comes close.

Instagram Photos of the Week - Change is Good

 Little black dress? So what if I'm thirty one weeks along - I'll still rock that!

Thirty one weeks and two days! She's kicking up a storm in there :) 

 Making lists... change is GOOD. Gotta keep telling myself that.

 Packing up to move to Grandma's... gonna miss my roommates though :/

New piercings (well, old piercings re-done!)

What it Means to Be Strong

Charlie Sheen said that the best way to avoid getting your heart broken is to pretend you don't have one. Now in Shaun's case, I know that isn't working for him because I've seen the pain in his eyes. I've heard him choke on his words & I've watched him use every ounce of his being to hide how much he's hurting. It killed me every day because nothing I could ever do would fix it. I hoped that maybe Ivy would be enough to fix that boy's broken heart... but not even his own daughter could fix the damage that so many had left.

It was easier to pretend I had a heart when I didn't than to pretend that I don't have one when I really do. Quite honestly, I was numb before I met Shaun. I'd almost give anything to be numb again, but I don't want Ivy to think that she isn't allowed to have faith, or to love, or to feel the sting when she scrapes her knee. I want her to know that it's alright to hurt, because she'll always have somebody there to help her feel okay again. I'll always be there to scoop her up & remind her how much she's loved. I miss the numbness... I miss the emptiness that now holds a heart in it's place. I miss not caring about people, because it meant never having my heart broken. It couldn't be broken if it didn't exist... but then I met Shaun & I came alive. Now, more than ever I wish that I could be empty again.

I don't want Ivy to see me crying every night. I want her to see a strong woman who will protect her & teach her how to live the right way... but how can I do that if I don't know whats right anymore? I will never be hollow when it comes to my baby girl, because there is so much love for her that it flows through my veins & shines through every pore. She's consumed every part of my mind, body & soul. What nobody will ever really understand is that there's so much of her inside of me that there will never be any room for anybody else... not her Father, not my siblings... nobody. She comes first, & after that there is nothing else for me.

Maybe that's cruel, & maybe it's heartless... but I can't afford to love anybody else anymore. I can't afford to hurt because there will always be the chance that my pain will hurt my baby girl too, & I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her. If she had to watch me cry because I lost my best friend again... then she'll never know what it means to be strong. I have to protect her, because she's all I have left. She's the one keeping my heart together.

R.I.P. Nanny

Ivy Ellen

It's all so overwhelming... losing my best friend & now losing my Nanny. I just want things to go right for once, but it feels as if everything is going downhill & I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm trying to be strong for Ivy... I really am. I know I'll be stronger when all of this is over, but how can I embrace the pain when it hurts so damn bad? I can't run away like Ivy's father did... I have to stay & tough it out. If he won't, I have no other choice. I just wish she meant more to him. I wish we didn't have to lose the people we love to learn. I wish that I could give her a better life than this. One with a Father that loves her more than life itself... but this isn't an alternate universe & no other man could ever compare to what her Father was to me. I could never replace him, nor would I ever attempt to or let the thought cross my mind. Shaun is, & always will be Ivy's Daddy. Just because I can't force him to take responsibility doesn't change what we created together.

I love our baby girl. More than I could ever love anybody or anything. I'd give the world just to see her smile. Now, more than ever I am determined to fight for her. I'm going to make my Nanny proud. I'm going to make my Ivy Rose proud, & someday maybe I will make myself proud as well. Ivy will have a good life, just like her Great Great Grandmother, Ivy Ellen did. She's going to live life to the fullest, & I will strive every day to set good examples of how life should be lived. I'm going to encourage her & teach her & help her make her dreams a reality. If that's all I can give her, then maybe... hopefully, it'll be enough.

Hollow Man

This is the only song that makes me feel even close to understanding him... to feeling like his actions are somewhat justified, even though I know damn well that's not possible. He's hollow, & not even our baby girl could fill the emptiness.

I could walk all night 
And never find what's right 
Searching for some peace 
To fill the void in me 
Yeah, yeah 

So was it hard for you to go? 
Did I fail to let you know 
That you are the one I needed most? 
Was is it hard for you to leave 
Without a care for me? 
It takes time to embrace the cold 
Until then I'm just a Hollow Man 

Steel frame in my mind 
Has faded black and white 
All that's left to say 
Fifteen years too late 

So was it hard for you to go? 
Did I fail to let you know 
That you are the one I needed most? 
Was is it hard for you to leave 
Without a care for me? 
It takes time to embrace the cold 
Until then I'm just a Hollow Man 

What have I become? 
The shadow of the sun? 

So was it hard for you to go? 
Did I fail to let you know 
That you were the one I needed most? 
Was is it hard for you to leave 
Without a care for me? 
It takes some time to embrace the cold 
Until then I'm just a Hollow Man

I'm Not Single. I'm INDEPENDENT.

It's been easier to think these past few days now that I have some realistic goals set for myself, I have a game plan in motion & I have a fantastic support system for both Ivy & I. Yeah, I still want to break down sometimes & it's taking all my energy to keep it together for my baby girl... but I'm getting through each day calm & collected, which is more than I can say for some people. I've been the girl that breaks down every time she see's his picture or hears their song or gets a text from him, but I'm not that girl anymore. Hell, I'm not a girl - I'm a woman. I'm a strong, fiery, independent woman that has her priorities straight. THAT is what is going to help me succeed.

Ivy Rose is my world, & I will do whatever it takes to make sure she's safe, happy, & loved. I'm doing everything I can to build a better life for her, & even though I'm still struggling, I'll be in a much better position to take care of her once my passport comes through & that is encouraging if nothing else. She has a family that loves her & will give everything to help me build a better life for the two of us & I am so so grateful for that. I'm not a single Mum, I'm an independent Mother. I'm not single, because I'm not interested in being. I'm simply putting my daughter first, & as far as I'm concerned Men aren't even allowed in the picture.

I don't need a Man to be happy, & Ivy doesn't need a million men posing as her Father. Regardless of the life he's living, her Father is still her Father & she is still his baby girl. I just hope she means enough to him to stop this lie he's been living & put her first. She deserves at least that.... but even without him in the picture, I know I can succeed & I know I can raise our sweet little princess the way he would have wanted in the first place. As long as she's happy, that's all that matters to me.

I'm Worth More

I don't think very many people understand what it means to love somebody. Not just to be in love with someone, but to love them with every fiber of your existence. To sacrifice everything to be with them, & then willingly give them your heart knowing that they could very easily crush it at any moment. To be in love is to be deliriously happy with somebody without considering the consequences. To really love someone is to understand the consequences, but to give it all... even when you might never be given anything in return. To love them knowing you may never be with them. THAT is love, & it's agonizingly painful.

So many people completely disregard it when I tell them that I don't want to be with anybody else. They try to encourage a "rebound" or tell me that I'm going through a phase & "this too shall pass" but it won't. This isn't a phase, & it wasn't infatuation. It was, is, and always will be love. They might never understand, & I might never find anybody else that compares to what he was to me, but they need to know that I do NOT need another man in my life to be happy, or to provide for my child. I am perfectly capable of that on my own. She doesn't need anybody else to hurt her, or to watch anyone else hurt me. She doesn't need a hundred Fathers, & I don't need a hundred boyfriends waltzing in and out of our lives. She needs her Daddy... I might not need him, but she does.

I wish he'd change. I really do. I wish he was the Shaun that I knew. The Shaun that I loved... because I'm in love with a shadow. An empty, heartless shadow. He's cold & he's bitter, & I'm not sure if his daughter means much to him right now compared to the life he chose over her, but I know she meant much more to him before... & I hope he'll come to the realization of what he's given up. I won't raise her with hatred or anger towards her Father, but I won't watch her little heart break every time he walks out because things get rough. I won't watch her form that hatred and anger all on her own because of the decisions he's making, & I won't allow my heart to be broken like that again. If he loves his daughter, he'll do what is necessary to show her that love & prove to her that she means more to him than money and nice cars and women ever could.

Vlog - Broken Hearted

You Lied? Your Loss

Obviously, some people don't understand what they have until they've let it slip between their fingers & out of their lives entirely. It might have been one Hell of a fall, & it might feel like I'm still falling once in a while... I'm prepared for that. The fact is, I've found something to hold on to. I have my baby girl. Our sweet little Ivy Rose. Well, she was something we shared & by law & by blood will always share... but there are certain sacrifices that we must make in order to earn the right to being recognized as a parent. A piece of paper doesn't determine whether or not we are the best thing for our child, & as far as I'm concerned, every action that has been taken in the past few weeks has been for your own selfish gain rather than the well being of your daughter. OUR daughter.

Everything you have done for her... for our family... you wiped away & replaced with whatever it is you think you are doing right now, which in all reality is bringing about the destruction of our family, our relationship, & your rights as a father. Doesn't that make you sick? Or do you even recognize what it is you're doing? Do you regret it, or do you only regret getting caught? Because everything you said to me that night & everything you lied to me about completely destroyed my faith in you, as a father and a partner, & sadly, even as a friend. I CANNOT allow that in my life, or our daughters. She deserves the consistency we were never shown growing up, & if you aren't willing to do what is necessary to provide that, then I will. Regardless of how much I have to give up. Regardless of how much it hurts me.

Either way, now I know what I have to do. I know what it will take for you to earn the right to be a part of my life again, even if only as a friend. It'll take even more than that to be what we were before... because that trust I had in you? The heart I so willingly gave to you? You crushed it & not only do I have to heal, but you have to provide me with more than just a reason to give it to you again. You have to prove to me that it'll be safe in your hands, & that you won't just take care of it, but you'll ensure that it never suffers that kind of pain again. THAT is something I'm not sure you would ever do, because from what you've shown me... you're a coward. You took the cowards way out, & you gave up on us & our daughter when things got hard. I can't take the risk of letting my guard down for somebody who will only run & leave my heart defenseless when they see any sign of disaster.

You have a lot of reflecting to do... & a lot of rebuilding. Not just for me or our daughter, but for you. YOU need to be who I know you're capable of being. You've been trying to run away from yourself for so long that you only ended up running back into the you that you tried so hard to leave behind. Let him go, & be the man I know you are. You're a good man... don't let your actions take that away from you. If you can do that then maybe, just maybe you'll be happy again. Really, honestly truly happy...

I Want my Best Friend Back

Finally! Autumn is definitely here - I can tell by the unbearably cold temperature in our house! We're all bundled up in bathrobes & sweaters & shivering under thick blankets. Anyone would think it was snowing indoors! But it's a nice change from that God awful heat & it's nice to sleep in clothes for once, rather than sweat ourselves to death in our sleep while wearing practically nothing. I can't complain. I'm definitely a fall kind of girl.

Today was a breath of fresh air from my usual routine. I went out to lunch with Shaun's Mum & little brother & then we went & got registered at Buy Buy Baby & Target for my baby shower. It was definitely nice to spend some quality time with them & take my mind off of the current situation between Shaun & I. Ivy's little Uncle was so helpful, zapping everything with the scanner that he thought his niece would like, & getting slightly impatient when he had to scan the "boring stuff" like bottles & pacifiers. It was so cute, & it was nice to see him get excited for my baby girl's arrival. I know she'll be loved & spoiled by her Uncle T.

I'm so grateful that so many people have been so supportive lately. One of Shaun's closest friends has been acting as a soundboard while I've struggled to keep it together, & his Mum & Grandma have stood by my decisions - even the ones that will affect their own flesh & blood. It's a relief in a way, but it's been really difficult making such hard decisions without Shaun here to help me. I need to think about the future of our daughter, & if it wasn't for his family I wouldn't know where to start.

Now it's just a waiting game... I have to sit & wait for an answer. For some kind of sign that this is either meant to be, or isn't. It's probably the most painful experience I've ever been through, & all I want is happiness. Unfortunately, it can't always work that way. I have to put Ivy first, then myself... then Shaun. Because at this rate, I'm not even sure our happiness is a priority to him. I want to believe that we matter. That our daughter means more than some selfish act... but he isn't showing me any differently. I just want my best friend back...