Castle Park

Me, my Mum & my sister Hannah at Castle Park in Bristol. I have to say, thats a pretty good looking coat considring I was so young!

In the Wise Words of Eeyore...

Lately I've realized how little I invest my time in showing my grattitude to those who have helped me & continue to help me throughout my pregnancy, & I'm not going to lie - I feel pretty guilty. SO many people have donated things for Ivy, Kim has brought me treats just to cheer me up & works around the clock to make sure we have the things we need for our daughter, Nicole took me out for coffee & spoiled me more than she needed to, our roommates put a roof over our head & put up with my bitching sessions about Amber, Shaun's Mum & Grandma listened to me bawl my eyes out every day while Shaun was gone & treat me like I'm part of the family, & Shaun continues to put up with my sporadic emotions, my obnoxious temper, & works every day to try to provide for me & our little princess. There are so many people supporting me, & I need to do more to show my grattitude.

I want to invest in some thank you cards, or even make my own when I have the supplies... I just want to do SOMETHING. Even if it's doing the dishes when it isn't my turn, or doing an unexpected favor. It'd just be nice to put something good out there in exchange for the good I've recieved. I'm a firm believer in Karma, & you get what you give. If that means I become the most generous person in the world, so be it. I just want to know that I'm giving my all to the people that have done the same for me. Especially the people that continue to do so, & I don't even have to ask!

 I'm so so blessed to have such an incredible support system. Especially with Ivy so close to arriving! She's going to grow up with some pretty amazing people watching out for her, & I'm SO grateful for that. She's one lucky girl... her Father & I love her with all of our hearts, her Godparents are there for her in a heartbeat, & her family would sacrifice everything to keep her safe & ensure her happiness. What more could I ask for? Knowing that my baby girl is well taken care of is more than I could have hoped for when I was living in a car, & now things are finally looking up - so it's time to put some good back out there!

A Little More Wedding Inspiration

After all that's been happening & watching the stress that our roommates have been under while planning their own wedding, we decided that even though we don't want a courthouse wedding, we don't want a huge ceremony either. We don't want the stress & we don't want to end up fighting or worrying over what is meant to be one of the most memorable days of our lives together. We want it to be meaningful & fun, & we still want the people closest to us to be able to be a part of it but we don't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money or have to spend months ahead of time preparing for it. This is our day, & we want to enjoy it.

Here are a few links to some DIY wedding idea's that I thought were cute & meaningful:

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-favor-tags-antiqued-clay-tags/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/peach-crisp-in-a-jar-diy-favors/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/blueberry-zucchini-bread-favors/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/peanut-butter-and-jam-cookies-diy-wedding-favors/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-wedding-ideas-torn-fabric-garland/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/maple-walnut-fudge-favors/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-wedding-chalkboard/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/strawberry-rhubarb-jam-dribble-down-your-chin-delicious/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-wedding-programs-from-burlap-and-vintage-patterned-paper/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-coffee-favor-bags-with-free-printable-labels/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-wedding-with-felt-i-heart-felt/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-invitation-ideas/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/shortbread-button-cookies/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/diy-save-the-dates-from-photographs/

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/wedding-guest-photos-dont-let-them-get-trapped/

More Autumn Stylespiration - Getting Thrifty

I can't get enough of this style blogger! The Mop Top is truly inspired. With her oxfords, chunky scarves & classy coats, her vintage taste brings together all the older style staples I can't get enough of, & she has quickly become my latest fashion obsession!

 

 

 

 

Better Than This

Lately things have gotten a lot harder... money's tighter, deadlines are coming up, gas is more expensive, & we're bumping into a lot of obstacles that I'm not sure we know how to overcome. Ivy will be here fairly soon, & with Halloween & Thanksgiving & Christmas coming up... I'm beginning to feel even more overwhelmed than before! Especially now that our financial situation is beginning to affect Shaun more & more every day. I hate seeing him stressed. He is my rock & when he lets down his guard... it hits me even harder. I don't think he even understand how hard it hits.

I wish things would start looking up. I wish we could find work & get on our feet & be okay for once in our lives... I wish we were prepared for Ivy & that we had a little more stability, but nothing seems to be going right & it's killing me knowing that our daughter might come into this world relying on us to provide for her & we might be incapable of that. It's not fair at all... she deserves better than that! And even though we're giving it 110% it still hasn't shown the slightest bit of difference. We need a miracle. Not a heavenly miracle where the sky opens & a big booming voice echoes the valley & all of a sudden everything's put right - but a simple miracle. Somebody hiring Shaun, or our debts decreasing somewhat... just SOMETHING.

I don't want to live like this anymore... I don't want Ivy to live like this, & I don't want to feel like I don't deserve her because of our situation. I just want to believe that for once, something will work out. We aren't bad people & all we want is to be okay... to be able to take care of our daughter & pay our rent. Why can't we do that? We've worked so hard... Shaun's worked harder than I've seen anybody work in a long long time, & it's killing me knowing that he hasn't recieved any recognition for it. He deserves more. He deserves a well paying job that rewards his efforts instead of ignoring them. I am so tired of being ignored!

What will it take to get us some stability? Honestly, somebody tell me because I don't understand. We've taken everything that has come our way & worked through it regardless of the difficulty. Shaun has applied & followed up on God knows how many jobs, & we still haven't gotten so much as a callback! It's disgusting that so many people do nothing & get hired on the spot while others try & try over & over again & never get what they deserve. I don't want to live like that! Shaun deserves some recognition - & not just because he's worked hard, but because he's talented & smart & confident & he knows what he wants & will do what is necessary to get there. What employer wouldn't want somebody like that working for them?

Maybe someday soon things will change... maybe somebody will hire Shaun, & even though it might not be the greatest job in the world we might just start getting on our feet. Paying off our debts, keeping a roof over our heads, & taking care of our daughter. Or maybe somehing wonderful will happen & we'll be more than okay. I don't know what the future holds, but I just hope it's better than this... for Ivy's sake.

Fall Stylespiration - Dresses

Something I love about fall - you can still rock a dress, but you have the luxury of adding tights and/or a cozy sweater to stay warm! I'm big on the extra's of fall. Everything comfy, cozy, & classy. It's without a doubt, one of my favorite things about the season. Everybody's either thrown on a hoodie & a beanie, or they dressed to impress. Either way, with the cooler weather & the gorgeous hues of the leaves & the darker skies... I am one happy woman!

 

Fall must haves: knee length socks, woolen tights, scarves, hats, sweaters & cardigans, a heavy duty purse, a good book to pass the time, a camera & a comfortable pair of boots!

Fall Bucket List - Continued!

I've been busy thinking up some more things I would love to do this fall, & so far a few opportunities have been presented that'd be great to add to the list as well as just a few things that should be on there without question anyway! Some I'm planning on doing with friends, some by myself, & others with Shaun. Either way, this is going to be a busy season! So, starting where we left off... here is my fall bucket list for your viewing pleasure;

11. Cuddle up around a fire in a cozy sweater with a few close friends while sipping cider & munching on donuts.

12. Curl up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate or coffee & dive into a classic - preferably The Picture of Dorian Gray (a gift from my sweetheart of a mentor).

13. Spend an afternoon baking apple & pumpkin pies to eat during a horror movie with the roommates.

14. Take photos in the leaves! Book a childhood memories of fall shoot & go crazy!

15. Take a haunted tour or visit a haunted house with some close friends.

16. Visit the farmers market before it gets too cold.

17. Buy a fall scented candle & use it on the candle warmer.

18. Have a girls night with a few close girl friends.

19. Make a fall playlist to listen to on my evening walks.

20. Plan something special for mine & Shaun's anniversary.

It does seem like a lot to get done, but it'll help pass the time until our baby girl gets here & it'll be nice to indulge in this season rather than watch it pass me by the way it did last year. I made some good memories, but this year I intend to make as many as possible. With a new home, new scenery (somewhat), new friends, a baby on the way, & an incredible fiance - I just know this fall will be unforgettable!

Snap Happy at the Clinic

Total & complete boredom at the clinic... nothing much to take pictures of other than Shaun & my new shoes, courtesy of Miss Nicole Nystrom!

Coffee Makes Everything Better

Yesterday was probably one of the best days I've had in a while. I think it was because we haven't really had much time together away from the roommates & our families in the past couple months & we just needed some time to be ourselves without anyone else around to distract us. It was the perfect chance to remind us why we loved being together in the first place & it was nice to just be goofy & get lost together just like we used to...

I honestly wasn't planning on spending any money, or being gone all evening for that matter. After my prenatal, we were hit with the urge to go somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't home... so we went to Barnes & Noble for Starbucks. After my pumpkin spice & his mocha frappuchino, we ended up wandering around, looking at books, flipping through magazines & admiring all their games & writing tools, & we even ended up leaving with a souvenir! They had a 50% off sale, & just happened to have a little Joker collectable for $4.00, so I figured I would treat Shaun for once. I think he was pretty happy with it, because when we got home he proudly displayed it on a shelf in our room for all to see. It was pretty cute :)

Casual Chic Fall Stylespiration

More style inspiration from Gal Meets Glam - http://galmeetsglam.blogspot.com/

Happy Go Lucky

Thank ceiling! One of my favorite photographers is back in Utah for a while & will actually be able to do our engagement photos, & for an incredible price!!! I am seriously so SO grateful, because there was no way I was going to be able to afford the other photographer I had been talking to & her style, although unique, wasn't what I had in mind. Anna Jefferies is literally one of the most incredible photographers I've seen. Her style is so creative & uique, but somehow manages to meet the model in the middle so it doesn't take anything away from their personality but rather enhances it.

I honestly feel like our luck is finally turning around. Nacho quit his job today, so for the next week he'll be here to encourage Shaun & they'll both be doing extra job hunting. Other than maternity pants, my needs are quickly decreasing thanks to HOH, & Ivy & I have both gone from being underweight & unhealthy to just where we need to be, with a roof over our head & a great support system behind us. Now if we could only get some work, we'd be set.

With our anniversary coming up on the seventeenth, I have a LOT of saving to do. I desperately need to find something to wear for our engagements & still set aside the money to pay the photographer & get Shaun something. I'm just not sure what to get him... I really wish I was better at shopping for people. My Mum always knows just the right thing to get for my Dad, but I'm clueless regardless of who I'm shopping for. Somebody help!

At least I can relax a little now, knowing that we don't need too much, our engagement photos are going to work out, I have my prenatal care paid for this month, & we have a good home with awesome roommates. Things might not always go our way, but our relationship is so much stronger now, & we're so much happier together than I ever could have dreamed of being with anyone, let alone somebody as incredible as Shaun. I'm so lucky to have him, & every day I can't help but smile when I wake up knowing that I get to wake up next to my best friend every day for the rest of my life. My life may not be perfect, but it's the closest thing out there to perfection. I couldn't be happier.

My Nana & Granddad

Fall Fashion Inspiration - All About the Skinnies

Some simple fall style inspiration from Tricia Gosingtian - http://blog.triciagosingtian.com/

To Do This Fall

This isn't necessarily my GOALS, but rather some things that I'd like to do this season to keep my life interesting, especially while I have the free time before Ivy gets here. Shaun thinks she'll be here before the beginning of December, his Mum is voting the eighth. Ether way, I'm starting to get a little anxious! But what better way to take my mind off of things than keeping myself busy this fall?

1. Carve pumpkins. I know it sounds silly, but I missed out last year & I definitely need to work on my skills with a blade :P

2. Go for a walk & watch the sun set. I find myself rushing way too often lately & I need to slow down & enjoy a few simple joys now & again.

3. Take a trip to Park City with Nicole & spend the day in bookstores & taking photos of all the leaves.

4. Spend a day with friends just taking pictures, getting lost in Salt Lake & being goofy.

5. Try a new recipe. Preferably something with tomatoes. Maybe something like this; http://cupcakesandcashmere.com/spaghetti-with-sweet-100-tomatoes/

6. Take the time to show my grattitude with thank you cards & letters. Possibly even get creative & make some myself?

7. Indulge in books I've never read before to open my mind & keep it active.

8. Try something new. Maybe attend a fundraiser like http://holdingouthelp.org/5k/ or go to a Farmers Market & buy some fruit to make my own jam.

9. Spend more time writing about the things I'm passionate about & less time writing about myself.

10. Get our engagement photos done, but get creative with them & try something that nobody's done before!

And I do believe this concludes my to-do list for the time being. There are so many things I'd love to do this season, but not enough time to write them all down! I want to make the most of the time I have left before my baby girl arrives so that when she IS here, I can look back & be grateful that I made time for these things ahead of time so all my time at that point can be focused on my daughter. Confusing I know, but I'm sure most Mum's know what I'm talking about. Either way, I think I need to focus on enjoying this time instead of trying to get it all over with. Anyone who wants to get involved is MORE than welcome. I'd love the company :)

A Big Thank You

Today was overall, a pretty good day. I've been in some serious need of girl time for quite a while, & luckily my mentor from HOH was sweet enough to kidnap me this morning to give me just that. I think that always being around the same people has been getting to me & I just needed a little time away to relax & be myself. Not that I'm not myself at home, but I tend to focus so much on my surroundings that I become a wallflower & it does get to me after a while. Today I was gone just long enough to take a deep breath & take in a few of the things that I love so much so that when I got home, I could focus on getting things done without feeling so overwhelmed.

Even though waking up before eleven these days just about kills me, I managed to get myself out of bed in time & throw some foundation on in time to see Nicole pull up in her little Volkswagen. First stop was Target so that I could get some bra's (which I have been in desperate need of lately), & she ended up buying me a pair of REALLY comfy shoes & some maternity shirts as well! Afterwards we went over to Barnes & Noble for Starbucks, & she ended up buying me a new classic too! We had a nice chat over coffee, which was much needed... & then I got to come home with some new additions to my wardrobe & a book to dive into whenever things get stressful & I need to relax or get my mind off things.

I honestly am SO grateful for Nicole, & everything HOH has done & continues to do to help me. I don't know where I would be without them, but they have been one of the greatest support systems I have EVER had & Nicole & Kim have literally become the big sisters I always wanted growing up. They're just like one big family, but without all the judgement & disrespect that unfortunately comes along with blood relatives. They've been there for me in more ways than one, & I can't express enough how much they've improved my life, my attitude, & my respect towards others. They helped me to see that there really are good people in the world, & even though sometimes you'll find them in the most unexpected places, the trials we go through in order to find them are well worth it. Thank you Tonia, Kerri, Nicole & Kim - SO much! You have no idea how much you all mean to me!

Need Motivation? This'll Make You Run!

Vision Without Pain is a Hallucination

It's true that nothing worth having comes easy... I fought long & hard to make things work with Shaun. I waited for him, watched him struggle as he lost his son & his family, fought with him, pushed him over the edge, & in the end we made it through... stronger than ever. I'm not saying I didn't want to give up. Sometimes I still feel like giving up when we fight or when it feels like we're down on our luck, but then I remember how good it feels to work things out & to feel like all the hard times were worth it, & I fight until I've given everything I've got. Shaun's worth it to me to keep fighting. I could never let that all go to waste.

There are so many times I could have given up & taken the easier road, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be this strong, or this smart, or this happy with myself & my life. I'd be weak, & miserable, & I wouldn't have learned anything. How could I ever go back now after all I've been through? Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. That's probably the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, but definitely one of the most valuable. Because of that, I keep pushing. I keep fighting & I try my hardest never to let the pain affect my happiness. I just have to think of all the things that make me happy, & it makes it all so much easier.

For anyone who ever feels like giving up, or throwing their hands up in the air & just letting life have it's way with you: don't. Keep fighting, even if it hurts. Grit your teeth & push through the pain with every part of you until you can't fight anymore. Vision without pain is only a hallucination, & there is no gain without some pain. I know it isn't fair, but we can't expect to grow & become stronger without developing the right tools to get through our trials, & that means slipping up, making mistakes, trying over & over & eventually collapsing at the finish line. You might be bleeding & bruised, but you would have made it regardless, & THAT is much better than giving up before you made it anywhere to begin with.

I Can Feel it Coming

I love the feeling of fall. You can sense it, smell it, feel it in the air... everything about this season makes me feel at peace with the world. For just a little while everything is calm & beautiful & I am content with who I am & where I am & the people around me. I love seeing the skies get darker gradually every day as the air gets cooler & the leaves change color. The whole world is on fire, & it feels absolutely incredible.

 

Give Her the World

I can't wait to be a Mummy... I just keep thinking about everything that I want to do with my daughter & all the different things that other parents do that I do & don't like & what kind of parent I'm going to be, & as overwhelming as it is, it's nice to feel somewhat prepared mentally for it all. I might not have had very much experience with babies growing up, but I do know how I want to raise my child & specific things I want to encourage in her education. That has to count for SOMETHING.

 



 I want to read to Ivy every chance that I get. My parents read to me, & because of that I was always ahead of my grade in English. They played times tables tapes to me at night & I was YEARS ahead in math when I was barely two years old. As much as I disagree with the way they raised me religiously, educationally they were the most dedicated a parent could possibly be & I couldn't be more grateful for that. They gave me a love for reading & writing that I might never have had if my Dad hadn't read to me every single day.

I really want to play with her outdoors a lot too. I was always an indoor baby & I want our baby girl to love being outside in the sunshine as much as her Daddy. I want her to share his love of hiking & hockey too, because I was never much of an outdoor kid, & my love of sports is non-existent. I want her to love everyting that will help her become a smarter, happier, healthier person as she grows up. Honestly, when it comes down to it I just want her to have the best life has to offer. This is my baby girl we're talking about... & her Mummy & Daddy are going to give her the world.

Tattoo Inspiration for Ivy Rose

No Sleep Tonight

Ughhh... I'm so tired. I can't even imagine how Shaun feels. Amber had a seizure last night & our roommates ended up taking her to the ER so Shaun ended up taking care of our little niece Skylie most of the night. Luckily she's a really happy baby so she's pretty easy to watch, but I guess I ended up falling asleep so he was up by himself while everyone else was at the hospital & I was dead to the world on the couch. Poor guy :/

Amber got home okay, but she did have six more seizures while she was at the hospital & the Doctor said she probably shouldn't be left alone for the next two weeks. I agree to an extent, as I'm kind of worried about the effect this could have on Skylie if she has a seizure & we aren't around to help either of them. I think she just needs to take this time to relax & forget about Dillon & all the high school drama she's gotten herself involved in again, & just focus on her daughter & herself.

I guess it isn't really my business what she does anyway, but I do worry about Sky a lot & whether Amber believes it or not, I still care about her. I just want the best for her, & I think her actions lately are only pulling her further away from what she really needs. I just wish she'd listen to us all, & understand that we're trying to help, but she's a big girl & I guess that's something she has to do on her own.

Living with a Blonde is a Living Hell

I have to admit, this crowded environment is making it really difficult to stay calm all the time. My roommate is obnoxious when our other roommates aren't around & then kisses ass when they are, our roommate's son is wild, obnoxious & disrespectful, & we're not even scraping by anymore. We don't even have a dollar to our name, & yet we still manage to pay rent & get from point A to point B without mooching off of everyone else like Amber does. She seems to have way too many luxuries for someone who doesn't pay rent & racks up enormous debts without any consideration for others & she completely disregards her responsibilities because finding a boyfriend is a bigger priority than taking care of her child.

I guess it just doesn't seem fair that she gets a huge amount of privacy while we are stuck sleeping in an open room & she doesn't care to respect our space at all, even though we're paying rent & she isn't. Doesn't that seem unfair? I just want to feel like we have our own space, especially because we're paying for it... I'm PREGNANT. I'm emotional, & I'm in a relationship. We need our privacy, regardless of how important walking around in her thong & hoarding the phone in her bedroom is to her. We NEED privacy.

I know it sounds awful, but when we get a place with Chantell & Nacho in January, I REALLY hope she won't be moving with us. One; she shouldn't move somewhere that she can't/won't be paying rent, & Two; she is the most disrespectful roommate I have ever had, & that's putting it nicely. This is why I hate blondes.

The Definition of Class

I don't know how many of you have heard about the Kate Middleton scandel, but I find it absolutely disgusting that somebody so respected can be shown in such a disrespectful display to the public. Especially someone who strives to uphold such an incredibly high standard on behalf of the public. Kate is the very definition of class, & for someone to expose her in the worst way possible makes me sick. I can't imagine anyone being that low.

I have so much respect for this woman. She is everything I can imagine Diana would have wanted for her son, & I hope that the photographer responsible for the photos gets what he deserves. She is an incredible role model, & a very respected public icon. Anyone who attempts to show her in any other way obviously isn't very intelligent, because neither the royal family, or the public will take this lightly.

His and Hers

It's a Rich Man's World

For some reason, the whole world just seems absolutely miserable today. I don't want to wake up or shower or go anywhere or see anybody. I'd rather just spend the day in bed. I'm tired of waking up every day never knowing when we'll have gas money, or when we'll be able to pay my doctor's bills, or if we'll ever be able to go shopping for Ivy. We can't even afford to buy our daughter a onesie. How awful is that??? I feel like such a horrible Mother right now... I know I can't help my legal situation, but I can't help but wish that I could get all these nice things for my daughter so we weren't living off of donations.

I can't afford nice clothes, or a wedding band for Shaun, or even $45 to pay for my piece of shit phone. I'm starting to lose my motivation to do anything at this point, simply because I don't see any point in it at all, & I wish every day that some good luck will come our way so that we can find work, or come across a substantial amount of money because I can't take this much longer. I don't want to live like this!!! I want to be able to drive a car, or legally be able to own one. I want to be able to get a job if I need to, or even if I just wanted to so I could bring in extra money on the side... I can't do any of these things, simply because this country is so God damn prejudice towards immigrants.

I was brought here LEGALLY as a child against my own free will & my parents aren't taking ANY responsibility for that, so how am I supposed to survive? This isn't a land of opportunity - it's a land of hypocritical dictators who obviously have forgotten that the people that founded their government & made this land free for them, WERE IMMIGRANTS!!! From the same country as ME!

Am I the only one who see's this situation as completely ridiculous, or finds the government completely off their heads? How can they honestly justify making immigration to this country almost impossible? I don't understand it... but I just want to be able to provide for myself & my child. I missed out on being a teenager, & I'll never be able to be an independent adult at this rate. I'm a dependent adult without any handicaps or disabilities, I'm perfectly able to work, there shouldn't be anything stopping me from driving, & there definitely shouldn't be anything that would stop me from being able to qualfy for food stamps or healthcare, but it's out of the question because I'm from a different country... I just don't know how to cope with this anymore.

For Time & All Eternity

A while ago, when Shaun & I were discussing idea's for our wedding & contemplating the Doctor Who theme, we came across some Tardis inspired rings online. I figured that they were fake, & even though the design was absolutely stunning & caught my attention a little more than I care to admit, I forgot about them up until a few weeks ago. We still hadn't looked at any rings for Shaun, & I wanted to get him one that would be meaningful to the both of us. That ring crossed my mind, so I decided to email the guy who designs them to see if he really does sell them... and what do you know? He actually does. He even does custom designs!

 

 There are two bands; his & hers, & they are both absolutely gorgeous! I want to get Shaun one more than any other ring I've seen so far, & if we can get the ladies band as well, that'd be even better. I know I want the sapphire & diamond design, & I definitely do want it in silver, although he does do gold designs as well. I just can't imagine finding another ring that's this perfect for him.

They are quite pricey, so I'm hoping that we can get our debts squared off & some money in savings by the time our wedding day rolls around because honestly, even though I wouldn't mind a courthouse wedding, I would like SOMETHING memorable to happen, whether it's a reception or a two day honeymoon. I just want to make the day of our union special, & the courthouse doesn't really scream "memorable" to me... but either way, nothing is taking place until February anyway & we do have our baby to look forward to first. She'll be taking up so much time, our wedding day could fly by & we probably wouldn't even notice! But just having her here after all this time is going to be SO worth it, I just know it.

Classic with an EDGE

I want to get inked again so badly... just the past few days, all I can think about is pea coats, wellies, scarves & tattoos. It's ridiculous. My style has matured so much since I was fourteen. I used to be all about the neon jewelry & the graphic tee's & obnoxiously tight skinny jeans. Now I'm all about classic styles with an edge. I think Shaun helped me develop that taste, because before I didn't know what I was doing. Since I met him I've spent a lot more time & attention on what I wear & what I'd like to, rather than throwing things together carelessly. I feel somewhat accomplished in my newfound taste & knowledge of clothes these days.

I am really looking forward to being able to get tattoos again. I've got quite a few in mind that I've been thinking of getting for a while. I honestly think I'm going to have an ink fund, because I'm addicted. I love everything about tattoos. I love the concept of being covered in artwork that represents my family, my dreams, & my memories. As for piercings... I should probably learn to take it easy on them. I go through piercings like I go through underwear, & being a female... well lets just say we go through underwear a lot more than we really need to.

I'm still contemplating what I'll be wearing for our engagement photos next month. I really want a pea coat & some wellies, but considering how short we are on cash & with us paying rent & doctor bills & trying to get phones... I think I might have to make do with what I have. It isn't an ideal situation but I'll get over it. What matters is that I'm getting photos taken with Shaun & bump for our wedding invitations :) That's more than enough for me.

Roommate Rant

Some people make me so angry... I mean, I've heard of mouthing off, but I am just sick & tired of dealing with all this bullshit. This is a home, not a fucking rapist call center. If you honestly want to talk to all of your creepy little boyfriends, invest in a cell phone because I'm tired of being treated like shit every time I answer the house phone & you aren't here to answer it yourself. Or better yet, how about you stop giving the number out to complete strangers you meet online in general & spend more time focusing on providing for your daughter than finding someone to get in your knickers. It's disgusting, irresponsible, & if you keep it up, you won't have a daughter to take care of. Or a roof over your head for that matter.

 

I'm tired of your two face behavior. You act like I'm your best friend & then you talk shit behind my back, you talk shit about me to our roommates who know it's all shit anyway, & then you take advantage of all of us & use your daughter to gain our sympathy. You know what? Grow a fucking backbone, learn the difference between real friends & fake ones, attempt to be at least a decent Mother, & spend less time & minutes trying to get laid & more trying to find a job so you can keep a roof over your head. We pay $200 a month for a room without a door that you use as a dumping ground for your baby's diapers & you don't pay shit for a room with a door that you don't keep clean either. You're nineteen years old! Get a fucking job, clean your room, & learn to wipe your baby's ass because we aren't here to do it for you!

Oh, & one more thing. The next time you want to talk shit behind my back, just remember you'e in the perfect position to KISS MY ASS. You're a fucking hypocrite & I'm tired of being so tolerant of you & your big mouth. I know where it's been, & I don't want my name in there. It might get AIDS.

I Don't Live There Anymore

I wish some people would learn to leave things in the past, where the belong. Sure, memories are great... but sometimes they're best kept locked away inside your head. Not all memories were made to be shared. There are so many things that I wish I could forget, & things that I don't mind remembering, but dread hearing about. I've learned a lot from my mistakes, but so many people from my past don't understand that I want to keep them there, along with our memories. Both good AND bad. Is that so wrong of me?

I'm almost seven months pregnant, I'm engaged to my best friend, & I live a very different lifestyle than the one that I was raised in. My behavior has been somewhat questionable in the past, & maybe even more so lately to some, but I'm happy with the way I live & the people I live my life with. If that's wrong, then I apologize. I'm not trying to offend or upset anyone in any way, but I can't deny who I am & I won't change my beliefs based on others beliefs that mine are all wrong. That would make me a hypocrite. I know who I am, what I believe, what I want out of life, & what I need to do to get there. I'm on the right track, so who are you to judge me?

I'm perfectly content with who I am. Yes, I'm eccentric, outspoken, obnoxious, immature, sometimes irresponsible, & extremely misunderstood, but I'm far from fake... which is more than I can say about most of you lot. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, & THAT ladies & gentlemen, is why I'm so fucking happy. So you can take your pointless drama, your bad memories, & your bullshit & shove it up your ass. Please & thank you :)

Lethal Lifestyle? I've Got the Cure

Give Me Wellies & I'm a Happy Girl

One of my favorite memories from my childhood in England is of my Dad buying me wellies & immediately after, splashing through the muddy puddles in the street together & getting drenched. My love for wellies has never died, although I haven't owned a pair since. Living in the desert, there isn't much need for rain attire, but that won't stop me from investing in another pair as soon as my wallet will allow me. Preferably, sometime before we get our engagement photos done.

It might sound cheesy, but I've always imagined sporting a pair of wellies in my engagement photos. Especially considering it'll be getting a little chillier by the time the shoot comes around, it wouldn't be too out of the ordinary to wear some boots that slip on easily that would go nicely with knee high socks & a woolen dress & sweater. I mean, we are having the photos taken in October... so the weather would be more than ideal & I love having any excuse to bundle up. Especially if it means rocking a scarf & tights in front of a camera. And if you know me at ALL, you should know by now that the majority of my photos are taken in the fall anyway.

Honestly, I'm really excited. My baby belly will be poking out a little more next month & it'll be MORE than obvious that I'm expecting. Instead of concealing my pregnancy, I'd rather flaunt it. If anyone has anything against it, they'll have to put a sock in it because our engagement/maternity photos will be included with the wedding invitations and plastered all over Sweet Little Tragedy & Facebook. Haters may hate, but they can't affect what makes me happy. I love being pregnant & nothing makes me happier than the thought of being a Mother AND marrying my best friend. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, & I pity the fool who says differently.



Wedding Inspiration - The Devil is in the Details

Love in the Leaves

It's nice to know that regardless of how many mistakes that I've made, & regardless of what I look like, that my best friend will always love me for me. Every little piece that makes me who I am is what he loves most about me. Nothing will EVER compare to that! We might fight, & we might go through a lot of bullshit, but in the end we always come out stronger because we fought through it together. Yes, I'm a stronger person because of Shaun, but I'm a lot stronger when I know that he's by my side, helping me get through it all. I'm never alone as long as I have him.

Things are rough right now... we're unemployed, struggling to pay rent, let alone meet our needs & prepare for Ivy's arrival... but we'll make it. We always do. We're fighters, & we've learned to fight for each other as well as our survival, which makes getting through this time in our lives SO much easier, simply because we have our best friend guiding us & supporting us through it all. No matter how difficult it gets, or how mad he makes me or how many times he makes me cry, I will always love him to the fullest, support him in his decisions, & help him find his way when he feels like he's lost himself. I know that he'll do the same in return.

I'm so lucky to be marrying my best friend, & I'm SO grateful that Ivy is going to have such an incredible Father. I know he'll take good care of us, & I know that things can only get better from here on. Especially because we have each other.

Orange Crush

I think I've found my new girl crush... Aleksandra Wydrych. She is probably the most incredibly appealing creature I have ever laid eyes on, even if it's only online. Her bright orange hair & piercing eyes just capture me & I can't pull my own eyes away for long enough to focus on writing this post, let alone do anything else around the house. Physically, she is everything I want to be & everything I'd want in another woman.

According to my research, she's a Polish model & photographer. She's absolutely incredible, & her talent is just indescribable. I honestly hope I can contribute to the artistic world like she has. She's so REAL. It's no wonder so many people aspire to be her. As much as I would LOVE to be her, I know that I'll only ever be incredible if I'm proud to be in my own skin the way she is. As much of a tragedy that is, I know that I have just as much potential if I would only allow myself to be me - in the fullest, weirdest sense of the word.

And yes, I would LOVE to dye my hair bright Orange, but I want to be unique. It's just a damn shame that everyone else seems to get to the good stuff before I do. I mean, how many people would honestly dare to dye their hair ORANGE?!!! It's just not fair. But I will find some way of expressing myself in my own way, regardless of how hard it is to find something all of my own.

Tell Me What I'm Doing Wrong

It seems like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I'm just making things worse. I want to be the best I can be for Shaun but I'm struggling to be happy with myself as it is. I feel like I've been letting myself down & in turn, I'm letting him down. Maybe it's not entirely my fault, but I can't make someone happy if I'm miserable. I'm just fucking everything up between us & it's killing me. I can't help wondering if we'd be better off if I gave him some space & let him do his own thing for a while, but at the same time we're on a huge time crunch here... Ivy's going to be born in less than three months & we're both still unemployed & struggling to take care of ourselves. How are we supposed to take care of a newborn?

I just want to give up on everything... I know I can't, but I don't know what else to do. It just seems so pointless to try anymore. We just work hard & get let down with every little thing we do. It isn't fair & it only makes it that much harder to try again. I fucking hate everything about our situation... I just wish we'd get one tiny dose of good luck. At least enough to make Shaun happy, because I'm incapable of doing that anymore. He needs something to give him faith in himself, & I'm not helping...

Dust in the Wind

Sometimes I wonder if something ever happened to me, would I leave anything behind worth remembering? Have I made a big enough impact on the people I've met that years down the road they'll still be talking about me, or will everything I am & everything I'm done be forgotten & washed up? I don't want to be forgotten. I want to leave my mark on the world, just so that I know where to go back to if I ever lose myself. I'm not going to sit & watch as all the memories of me turn to dust & ash & blow away in the storm. No, I'm staying right where I am thank you.



I don't really know what I'd like to leave behind... my photography? My writing? The things I write aren't enough to change one person, let alone the world. And my photography? It's not inspiring, it's not unique, it's just higher contrast pictures on a computer screen. None of them have even been developed. How tragic is that? I don't know what I could possibly offer this world that it doesn't already have more than enough of. I'm not somebody that leaves much of an impact when I first meet somebody, & although I've given some old friends some good memories & I've changed the way a lot of people live their lives, it hasn't always been in the best way. I just want something to offer that matters. That would be memorable...

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should just stick with what I do best & keep it to myself... but maybe that would be selfish? God, I don't know what to do. I feel unappreciated, worthless, & I'm always worried that I'm just going to fall into the typical cookie cutter mold everyone else is in. I KNOW I'm meant for something more than this. I just don't know what yet.

Steampunk - My Oldest & Latest Obsession

I can honestly say I was born & bred to live & breathe Steampunk's incredible style. The buttons, the lace & leather & all those cogs... I'm honestly in love. If I had anything other than my knee length socks similar to the syle, I'd be rocking it all the time!

Steampunk Inspiration

I can't get enough of this steampunk! It's just so pretty & unique to me, I want to take it & spin it my way for our wedding... I just have to figure out how. I love all the cogs & the rustic victorian style, but I don't want to incorporate it TOO much so we completely lose the original Doctor Who tweak we were going to throw in there so I want to figure out how to combine the two without going overboard, & I have to keep in mind our location & certain arrangements that we already decided on.

I already knew that I wanted to design my own dress, & as much a I wanted to keep it somewhat simple, I really want it to stand out too. I want to come up with something that nobody has ever done before, which isn't easy these days. I definitely don't want white AT ALL, but I don't want to look like a bridesmaid either - which is why I'm considering going for a champagne colored dress with a Tardis Blue corset & some really out of this world heels. Hell, I might even design my own veil/headpiece. You never know ;)

I'm also considering having cogs of all sizes scattered here & there througout the decor. I want to keep the steampunk influence to a minimal, but it's so tempting to get carried away with it! I especially love the top hats & the jewelry. Those are two things I do want to incorporate. At least with my own getup.... I just want it to be special & unique to us & our relationship.

It's not too far off you know... our wedding day I mean. I guess it is if we're taking it day by day, but keeping in mind that Ivy Rose is due in less than three months & the wedding is taking place when she's barely two months old, it seems much much closer. I can't believe I'm going to be a Mum, & a wife in less than six months! It sounds silly, but I'm starting to feel old. Not OLD old, but older. It's like I'm finally making the transition from teenager to adult, (although you won't catch me saying that out loud). But I do feel more mature, mentally & physically. Maybe thats a good thing?

  

New Hair for a New Me

Earlier today my roommate went to see her parents out in Eagle Mountain, & when we were growing up I can honestly say I wasn't the best friend, or the best example... & I definitely was NOT her parents favorite. In fact, her Dad hated me with a burning passion & her Mum was just too damn sweet to admit she felt the same way. Anyway, when she was out visiting her family I guess her Mum told her that she really liked the person I've become. I can honestly say that I am SHOCKED. I'm one of those girls who everyone's parents seem to dislike, no matter what I do to try & make peace, so to hear that her Mum was impressed with me was a huge deal!

 

Despite how miserable I get at random, & how insecure I often feel, I actually do like who I am these days. I'm a lot stronger, a lot happier, & so much smarter than I was when I left home at sixteen. My style hasn't changed much, & many of my interests are the same, but I'm a completely different person than I was two years ago & I am proud of that. I've worked so hard to be a better person, & I guess that it shows! So I'm going to give myself a new look to go with the new me. I'm going to get myself some hair dye & get my bangs trimmed & start making more of an effort to look good.

The only question is; should I dye it red with white blonde highlights, or black with white?

Falling Into Place

My little princess is definitely a Daddy's girl :) she's already got such a mischievious personality & she just LOVES to kick me at the worst possible moments. It's kinda cute, but when my face is constantly twisted in pain it does get a little old. Hopefully when we get our engagement's done she'll behave. At least long enough to get a few good shots!

I really can't wait to be a Mum though... I never thought that'd be something I'd want out of life. Things with Shaun were already so incredible wih Shaun, I didn't think anything could make our relationship more incredible. Then I found out about Ivy & everything just became so much more perfect. Everything just fell into place & now I don't ever want to imagine life without them.

December 15th! Less than three months away already... & I'm counting down the days :)

Pan in Autumn

For those of you who don't know me very well or at all; I am a Peter Pan fanatic. I've been to the play in London God knows how many times, I've read the book until the pges started falling out, & I adore the Disney movie so much that I have it memorized. When my hair started growing in red again, a close friend of my parents even started calling me Peter Pan (which secretly, I didn't mind too much). I had some photo's done for a modeling session not last Autumn, but the one before & despite the dark eye makeup & the lip piercing, I still ended up looking a lot like Pan. Oh well I guess, considering I have based my style around his so much the past year that I can't help but look back & wish I still could fit into most of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe.

 

 

That's one thing to look forward to once I start to get my body back - being able to throw on my tights, shorts, & boots & parade around like a ridiculous, badly dressed teenager again. I might be a Mum, but that doesn't mean I have to dress like mine. Anyway, just thought I'd share my unintentional Peter Pan modeling shoot with you. Enjoy!

 

Boots: Kohls, Skinny Jeans: Vanity, Scarf: A Birthday Present from a Friend, Belt: Vanity, Shirt: My Younger Sister's, Sweater: Also My Sister's.