Great Expectations

I really need to remember who I am & where I'm trying to get to, because lately I've gotten so caught up in all of the bullshit that I'm starting to forget what's REALLY important. I'm so miserable because I'm not really embracing who I am the way I used to... & it's making the rest of the world dull & lifeless too, just like my reflection. It's amost embarrassing to see what I've let myself become. I can't stand to look in the mirror anymore.

 

Being pregnant isn't everything my friends made it out to be. They were always so happy... so excited to be bringing a tiny little person into this world. I worry every day that I won't be good enough. That I'll fail the way my parents failed raising me. That I won't be the Mother this baby girl deserves. I love her with every piece of me, but I can't help wondering if that will be enough. I'm just grateful that she will have a Dad I never had. Yes, my Dad loved me & he gave up a lot to provide for me, but he never showed me he loved me in the ways I needed him to. I needed somebody to be there when I cried, & protect me from the horrible people we encounter on our journey throughout life. Instead I was the only one there to dry my tears, until Shaun came along.

I know he'll be everything our baby girl needs in a Father. I just hope that I can live up to my own expectations as a Mum. I want to be the Mother I never had, & even though I know that it's going to be hard & I'm going to want to give up... I can't. I would never give up on Ivy the way my own flesh & blood gave up on me. In my eyes, she's the most perfect part of my life next to Shaun, & I don't want that to change in the slightest. I'll fight until it kills me if that's what it takes. I just want to be somebody that she can be proud of.