Wedding Inspiration - The Devil is in the Details

Dust in the Wind

Sometimes I wonder if something ever happened to me, would I leave anything behind worth remembering? Have I made a big enough impact on the people I've met that years down the road they'll still be talking about me, or will everything I am & everything I'm done be forgotten & washed up? I don't want to be forgotten. I want to leave my mark on the world, just so that I know where to go back to if I ever lose myself. I'm not going to sit & watch as all the memories of me turn to dust & ash & blow away in the storm. No, I'm staying right where I am thank you.



I don't really know what I'd like to leave behind... my photography? My writing? The things I write aren't enough to change one person, let alone the world. And my photography? It's not inspiring, it's not unique, it's just higher contrast pictures on a computer screen. None of them have even been developed. How tragic is that? I don't know what I could possibly offer this world that it doesn't already have more than enough of. I'm not somebody that leaves much of an impact when I first meet somebody, & although I've given some old friends some good memories & I've changed the way a lot of people live their lives, it hasn't always been in the best way. I just want something to offer that matters. That would be memorable...

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should just stick with what I do best & keep it to myself... but maybe that would be selfish? God, I don't know what to do. I feel unappreciated, worthless, & I'm always worried that I'm just going to fall into the typical cookie cutter mold everyone else is in. I KNOW I'm meant for something more than this. I just don't know what yet.

Great Expectations

I really need to remember who I am & where I'm trying to get to, because lately I've gotten so caught up in all of the bullshit that I'm starting to forget what's REALLY important. I'm so miserable because I'm not really embracing who I am the way I used to... & it's making the rest of the world dull & lifeless too, just like my reflection. It's amost embarrassing to see what I've let myself become. I can't stand to look in the mirror anymore.

 

Being pregnant isn't everything my friends made it out to be. They were always so happy... so excited to be bringing a tiny little person into this world. I worry every day that I won't be good enough. That I'll fail the way my parents failed raising me. That I won't be the Mother this baby girl deserves. I love her with every piece of me, but I can't help wondering if that will be enough. I'm just grateful that she will have a Dad I never had. Yes, my Dad loved me & he gave up a lot to provide for me, but he never showed me he loved me in the ways I needed him to. I needed somebody to be there when I cried, & protect me from the horrible people we encounter on our journey throughout life. Instead I was the only one there to dry my tears, until Shaun came along.

I know he'll be everything our baby girl needs in a Father. I just hope that I can live up to my own expectations as a Mum. I want to be the Mother I never had, & even though I know that it's going to be hard & I'm going to want to give up... I can't. I would never give up on Ivy the way my own flesh & blood gave up on me. In my eyes, she's the most perfect part of my life next to Shaun, & I don't want that to change in the slightest. I'll fight until it kills me if that's what it takes. I just want to be somebody that she can be proud of.

Bipolar Baby

I really wanted to believe that things were looking up. We've worked so hard to make a better life together that I don't see why things shouldn't get better. I just don't dare get my hopes up anymore... we've been let down so many times that I'm sick & tired of the constant disappointment. You would think that maybe one or two things would work out once in a while, but nooooooo. We're those lucky ones who get fucked every time we put our faith in something.

At this point I'm afraid to make any plans at all in case they end up falling through. I'm not even sure I want to plan our wedding... I don't even know if we'll be able to have one at this point. I know I need to keep my chin up, but it's getting harder to when everything keeps falling apart. Maybe if somebody would actually give Shaun work, we'd be able to see things in a more positive light, but until then things seem to fall apart more often than come together.

Thankfully we finally have a roof over our head where we can live day to day as adults rather than tip toe past my Mother's constant disapproving glare. I never felt like we could please her, & when she decided to kick Shaun out it just proved it. She will never be satisfied with us, no matter what we do, no matter how much we change... I'll never be her ideal daughter. I'm done trying to please her. Now it's time to live for myself, & it's almost surprising how much I've accomplished since we left. Not only am I on the way to getting proper prenatal care for Ivy & myself, but I am working towards getting my Green Card & I have this first month's rent taken care of. I have accomplished more in a week of being here than two months of being there. It just goes to show that I'm not incapable of taking care of myself like she thinks.

Honestly, I love living here. I feel like I can be myself, I have as much space as I need, I can sleep & wake up when I need or want to, & I still manage to accomplish what I set out to do. I live by my own schedule, & it doesn't affect anyone negatively. Not even me. I even managed to make enough money for a new camera! Now I can finally get back to my photography, which is something I've been wanting to do for so long now... I can do something I love, & earn the money to save for my baby girl. I am so so proud of myself. These past couple weeks may have been a real strain on me & Ivy & Shaun, but we're going to come out so much stronger. I can already feel the difference in myself. I can't wait to show Shaun how confident I feel... because this is something I don't think I've ever felt before. I feel strong, I feel beautiful, & I feel like I can do practically anything I set my mind to. I've learned to face myself & my fears, now I'm ready to face the world... because I finally know who I am.

Suicide Girls

Once again, do not read if you find girl on girl contact offensive in anyway & do not wish to see any nudity. This is my personal blog & I do post things that many people will find offensive, but it is their choice to read further.

Someone Worth Fighting For

 I've never felt so lucky. Even considering the fact that I've been sleeping in the back of a truck & in hotels off & on for the past month or so, & in a car for even longer... I still have my best friend standing right next to me... pushing through all of the bullshit with me & reminding me what we're fighting for every single day. Proving to me that even though it's tough, & even though it feels like we might not be going anywhere anytime soon, even the smallest, simplest results are worth it.

I honestly thought he'd leave again. I had lost all faith in myself & in everyone else around me that I was scared to believe that he'd still be there. But here he is, laying out in the truck waiting patiently for me while I let it all out on this ridiculously slow library computer. After my last pregnancy, I was terrified that another one would tear us apart, but it's made us even stronger. I had never expected any good to come out of an unplanned pregnancy, but the thought of having a teeny tiny baby Shaun or baby Lea has brought us a lot closer together. I'm so so grateful that I have somebody so incredible taking care of me & working alongside me to make a better future for ourselves & our little Gremlin... yes, we refer to it as the Gremlin. Don't judge.

Things might be almost unbearable right now... & it might be hard to keep it together, but he's doing an incredible job of keeping me from falling apart. He makes me smile, even when I can't stop the tears from drenching my face & he makes me laugh when I feel like punching holes in walls. He's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, & I'm lucky enough to have him in my life as something even more than that. He's my lover, my boyfriend, & the father of my child. I couldn't ask for a better friend than Shaun.

With him in my life again, I finally feel like I can look to the future again. It doesn't scare me as much anymore... we can make plans & look into getting our own place & actually imagine something better than this. Somewhere far away from here. We can make a new life for ourselves, & I can honestly say, that is something worth fighting for. My best friend & our baby... they're worth fighting for. They're my everything, & I couldn't imagine real happiness without them. This is what my life was meant to be, & I owe it all to him.

It's Always Been You

I'm scared baby... I'm afraid of losing you. I know that isn't what you want but you might not have any other choice, & it's killing me. I don't want to watch you fade away anymore. You're the only one that's ever filled the emptiness inside of me... the only one that ever will.  If I lose you, I'll be missing the most important part of me. You're the glue that's held me together for so long. My every thought & emotion is somehow wrapped around you, & I'm terrified to know what I'll become if you're gone. 

I'm praying there's another way. I know I don't believe in God, but I'm here screaming at the sky, hoping that it will make some small difference. How could everything go so wrong when everything was so perfect? We had two weeks together where we were both happy, & we were working towards a better future together, & then... everything went downhill. The way it always seems to when something's perfect. I should have remembered that nothing can remain perfect, because there is no beauty in perfection. We thrive on chaos & destruction... we always have. But why does it hurt so much this time around?

I think we're finally coming to the realization that nobody really cares whether we're happy or not, or even if we're together or not. They only really give a shit about winning. They want to succeed, & they'll do whatever it takes, & hurt whoever is in their way to ensure they get exactly what they want. In this case, if everything goes the way I'm praying it doesn't today... Syd would have won. Yeah, you'll have your baby boy but... will you be happy? Will Jax be happy growing up seeing his parents put on fake smiles around each other & pretending that they're perfectly happy together? Maybe I'm just overthinking everything, but if I know you... you're a brilliant actor. You can pretend everything's okay & nobody would suspect otherwise. You could go for years if you had to, but that doesn't mean you should have to.

You deserve to be happy. I know having Jax in your life is what you want more than anything, & if letting Sydney win is what it takes to get him back, I want you to do what you think is right. Maybe I'm being selfish right now... but I'm scared of hurting anymore. I can't numb myself like I used to, & every time I've lost you, it hurts a little more. If I lose you one more time it'll tear me apart. My reason for smiling, the reason I left such a bad lifestyle behind... the only reason I've been really truly happy, & the reason I now know what love is... will be gone. What's left after that? I might as well be hollow.

It's always been you... since the first day I met you, something changed in me. I don't want to watch it disappear like everything else that has ever mattered to me, & nothing has ever mattered to me as much as you. You made me better. Maybe not the best, but the best parts of me happened when you came along. Maybe that's wrong. I don't really care anymore. I want you to be happy more than anything, but at the same time I want to be selfish... loving you, it's hard to be. I have to put what you want & what you need first. Nothing else matters to me. Even if it means breaking down in the shower everyday or crying myself to sleep every night, as long as you have what you want & what you need, it'll be worth it. You've always been worth it... & always will.

You Made it Worth it

Even though the sun still hasn't risen yet, the world has never looked brighter... or more beautiful. Yeah, I might sound a little corny but I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. I've been dwelling on the past for too long, & now that I've finally let go I feel free to do whatever my heart desires, be who I want to be, & share it all with whoever I choose to give my heart to. I'm sure anyone who knows me already knows that my blue eyed devil has had my heart from the minute he walked into my life, & nobody is more deserving, or takes better care of it than him.

I've never been so content with my life before. I used to worry about so much & enjoy so little. Now, even though I probably don't worry enough, I get a thrill from living in the moment with the people I love & at the same time, looking to a brighter future that we will create together. Moving to California, doing what we love with the people we love. Nothing but the sea & sand & a whole world of opportunity.

Who better to live life with than family? And I'm referring to my true family. The ones that are really there for me through anything & everything. Not my blood family, although my sister is beginning to prove herself. I hope one day she'll be strong enough to leave so I can help her move forward with her life as well. I don't want her to live in fear all her life & be held back from pursuing her dreams. She's young & free spirited. She should be able to live life to the fullest.

I can't wait to get away from here. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had, some of the people I've met, & especially the family I've become a part of & the crazy blue eyed devil I've fallen in love with... they've made all the heartache & the bad memories worth it. Utah has never been my home, but if I had never lived here, I never would have met my baby & I would be missing out on the best things in life. The most beautiful moments I've had have been with him, & I hope there will be many more to come. All I know is that he makes me deliriously happy, & he is without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's my inspiration, my lover, & my best friend. He really is my blue eyed devil.

You're Everything

 I don't know what to think right now... Shaun's a part of my life again, & although I knew he always would be... I don't think I was ready to fall back into our old patterns so quickly. He might be my best friend, but anyone can see that there's much more of a connection there than just friends. Especially on my part. Anyone with eyes can see that I fell head over heels for that boy. It's a shame that not many people can see that he doesn't entirely return my feelings.

 Even though he's a part of my life again, it still feels like he isn't entirely there. I know that he lost a part of himself somewhere along the way, & although so many things I love about him are still there, the part I loved most is gone. It makes me sad... to see the best part of my blue eyed devil fade away. He's probably the most incredible person I've ever met. He's absolutely brilliant. He's the world's best con artist, & without a doubt, the world's best pick up artist. Even though I've learned a lot, it never ceases to amaze me how well he wraps the world around his finger. Even after all the bullshit... I'm still wrapped around it. I've never fallen so fast, or so easily & never cared whether or not someone was going to be there to catch me. 

I wish I had more control. That boy drives me crazy, in the best & worst way. He gives me something to fight for, yet he began the war we're fighting in. Every day I face a new opponent, but he's always the one I have to face at the end of the day. Some nights I'll go to bed broken & bleeding, afraid of what comes next. Other nights I'll go to bed stronger than before, with an ounce of faith that I'll overcome my weaknesses & make the right choice... & then there are those nights that I'll fall asleep in his arms, & it's as if the war has ended. Just for a moment. I might be vulnerable, but I'll hold onto that moment for all it's worth.

I know that one day this will all be worth it. One day something wonderful will happen, & I will heal. I just wish I knew when... it's silly really. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down.

Goodbye...