My Whole World

It's hard sometimes... I love being a Mum, & I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, but losing her Father in an attempt to protect her is breaking my heart. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose everything we had all over again, but I have to do what I believe is right for Ivy. What kind of Mother would I be if I didn't? I just want her to be safe & happy & healthy... But I also want her to have her Daddy in her life, & the way things are going between us, the chances of that seem slimmer & slimmer. Yes, he broke my heart... but I broke his. It wasn't my intention, but I got scared & ran away just like he has so many times before. I'm an idiot, but then again... If I hadn't left... If Grandma hadn't asked me to leave... Things could have fallen apart on their own anyway. Thats what kills me. We were falling apart, & I wasn't ready for our relationship to end... So I had to go.

I wish he was here to hold his daughter. To see how much more she's grown to look like him in the past few days. To hear her giggle in her sleep & to rock her when she cries. I want that for both of them. But I can't win. I can't make anybody happy without something being wrong, & I'm struggling. I'm losing myself, & the only thing in the world keeping me together is Ivy. She's quite literally my everything. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that girl... Even if it means losing the one I love

Missing My Family

Every time Shaun has asked me what's wrong, I've almost felt obligated to make something up because in all honesty, I really haven't known the reason why I've been so miserable up until this point. I've finally figured it out... I miss my family. I miss my Dad, I miss my siblings, but most of all I miss my Mum.

Things have been so rough for all of us these past few weeks & with my family living an hour away, I realize that I'm not going to be able to see them every day... But I haven't really seen them at all in weeks & it's making everything so much harder to deal with. I'm not alone. I know that much. I've had Shaun & Grandma taking good care of me. However, emotionally? My family was keeping me grounded, & it's so hard to know in  which direction I'm going without somebody directing me. I realize that I'm a big girl & I'm about to be a Mother, so I really do need to stand on my own two feet, but having my Mum & Dad there for me when I fall - or even when I stumble is really important to me. ESPECIALLY with Ivy being born anytime now. Just a much as she needs her Mother, I need mine. Just in an entirely different aspect.

I can't say enough how much I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. Yes, I'll be spending some of it with Shaun's family too, but right now in the midst of all this chaos, I need my parents & my siblings this Holiday season. I don't want to disappoint my sisters anymore & I don't want to disappoint myself. I've been too distant for too long. It's time to step up to the plate & be the sister & daughter that my family deserves. And yes, I'm still going to slip up & make a few mistakes, but I'm not going to push them away anymore. They mean far too much to me, & I just have to say that I am so so exited to give them their gifts & celebrate Christmas with them & with my daughter. She is the best gift of all, & I can't wait to meet her!

Finally

Finally! Something is actually looking up! I never have to go to that awful clinic in Salt Lake again, I don't have to deliver at the University in order to have an induction, & if all goes well, I should be able to have my Mum at Ivy's birth since I will be delivering a lot closer to home. I can't even begin to tell you how happy this all makes me!

It's a little bit difficult to try and explain why my pregnancy has been so complicated when it came to seeing a Doctor & getting my prenatal care, but it mostly had to do with my legal status and lack of insurance. This country is definitely not kind to immigrants. ESPECIALLY when it comes to healthcare. Fortunately  Shaun convinced me to go into labor and delivery over at Alta View to get looked at & to make sure Ivy was okay (which of course, she still is!), & the nurse found me a Doctor at the hospital that will see me without insurance! Not only that, but they said if I'd like to have Ivy there & get induced once I am 41 weeks, it won't be a problem whatsoever. I can't honestly begin to tell you how much of a relief this is for all of us. After months of lousy service from that nasty clinic, I can finally see somebody who not only takes their job seriously, but takes me and my pregnancy seriously, & that's what counts.

So for all of you who were asking where I would be delivering; I am THRILLED to announce that I will no longer be having Ivy at the University, but in fact Alta View! I will keep you all updated, but hopefully it won't be TOO much longer before Ivy is born. Saturday at the latest!

Lets Brighten Things Up a Bit

Seeing as I probably won't be able to celebrate the Holidays the way I originally planned to, I might as well share something festive to lift my spirits & remind me that although tradition plays a huge part in what makes Christmas so special, it's the people we celebrate with & what we give of ourselves that really matters most. It doesn't matter if you celebrate it on the 25th, or the 27th or even on New Years, just as long as you spend it with the people you love.

So here are our Christmas lights that Shaun was so kind as to hang in my room... Aren't they pretty? It isn't the best decorating job in the world, but bless his heart for trying to make me happy!

Come All Ye Whovians

Yes, we're nerds, & yes, we're pretty damn proud of it! I always knew I could never love anyone who wasn't a Whovian... Any of you lovely readers out there fans of Doctor Who? We can't wait for the Christmas special! What about you?

Fingers Crossed

This is undeniably, the most confusing experience I have ever had with my body. I'm so unbearably uncomfortable that I can't sleep, I don't really want to eat, & using the loo is probably the most awkward it has ever been. I would take a month long period over this discomfort any day. My belly is so heavy that everything below it is sore & stiff, & I'm almost positive that I won't be able to climb stairs too much longer now that my knees lock up every time I try to bend them a little more than usual. I can't even get my own socks & shoes on or get out of the car without help anymore. I can't imagine how our older generation must feel, having to rely on others this much to help them with the seemingly simple everyday tasks that we take for granted. It's absolutely unbearable. What happened to my independence?

It may sound a little silly, but I'm beginning to feel like I just might remain pregnant forever. I can't even remember what it feels like to live from day to day without having to worry about bumping this ginormous belly, or struggling to find something, ANYTHING, that fits. I don't remember how it feels to sleep on my back, or even really sleep throughout the entire night without tossing & turning in pain. I don't remember what it's like to get all dressed up & actually feel pretty, or look in the mirror without feeling complete & utter hatred towards my reflection. When is it going to end? I don't regret getting pregnant by any means, but what is all this misery for if I still can't hold my baby girl in my arms? How much longer must I honestly wait before I can look at her perfect little face & change her tiny little butt that's been poking out at everyone throughout these past couple months? I'm miserable because I feel like I've gone through all this pain & all this stress for nothing... Even though I know my daughter will be well worth the wait. I'm just struggling to be grateful for the gift that I haven't received yet. Maybe that's selfish of me, but I've waited do long & been through so much that to wait any longer is absolute TORTURE.

I honestly didn't think I'd make it to my due date, let alone past it. I am now officially 40 weeks & 2 days. Ivy should have made an appearance by now, but being her Father's daughter, I can honestly say that I'm not surprised she's late. He likes to show up when you least expect him to, & I guess that's what we're in for with Miss Ivy Rose. It won't be until we throw our hands in the air & give up on her ever arriving that she'll decide to grace us with her presence. It's just so unfair! We're both really struggling with the way my body has responded to this pregnancy over the past few weeks & I've reached the point where I'm just waiting on a miracle from the almighty, because my body isn't doing anything. Quite literally, NOTHING is happening. I haven't had ANY discharge whatsoever up until tonight, I haven't had any consistent contractions or cramping, & I still haven't lost my mucus plug. I'm starting to feel just a little discouraged... I'm fairly sure that she would stay in there forever if she could. I just don't know how much more I can take. It's so close to Christmas that if I wait too much longer, I may just end up with a Christmas Eve baby. Although that'd be the perfect gift, I think it's unfair to give birth on a Holiday because then it's almost as if their birthday is less important. Not to mention it makes it a little difficult to celebrate with friends in the future, (unless of course it's New Years). I just hope I'm not spending this Christmas in the hospital. Although that might seem selfish of me, it means a great deal to me to be there for my family this year & if I am unable to do that because I'm still recovering, it's going to be really hard on me. I realize I have priorities as a Mother now, but my family is still one of my greatest concerns & I don't want to let my sisters down again. As much as I love them, they won't take it lightly.

I guess I am at an impasse. Hopefully our baby girl rears her pretty little head in the next couple days or I am going to be one grumpy Momma this Holiday season! Wish me luck!

Goodbye Holidays... Hello Motherhood!

This is just ridiculous... I called the hospital today, only to be told that regardless of how uncomfortable I am, they will NOT induce me before 41 weeks. That's this coming Saturday, & for those of you who can't do math; that means I won't be getting out of the hospital until Christmas Eve at the earliest. There goes spending Christmas with my family.

If I'm not induced on the 22nd, I run the risk of going into labor over Christmas & if I'm all the way out in Eagle Mountain with my family, I'll be about an hour away from the hospital. Can you imagine my Parents having to drive me an hour away on Christmas Day, leaving my siblings on their own? That'd be unfair to them, & it'd be absolutely miserable for me. I'll have a hard enough time enjoying the Holidays if I'm barely out of the hospital. I have absolutely NO intention of spending my Christmas Holiday IN the hospital! I'm miserable enough as it is....

If anyone has any suggestions, please share them with me. I'm desperate. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, & I owe it to my siblings to be there for them this year. I realize I have my priorities as a Mum, but my family's happiness is still one of my biggest concerns & my sisters & my brother deserve to have a big sister they can count on. If any of you have ANY suggestions to help speed things up, I'd appreciate it. You can comment below. Thank you!

What is Love?

Some things that many have a tendency to forget about the topic of love:

You can't hurry love. You can't slow it down or stop it either.

It may be better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all, but it's even better to live to tell about it.

If you love someone, set them free. Or at least give them a sick day every now & again.

Love means never having to say you're sorry, but saying it anyway.

Love conquers all. Surrender! Resistance is futile!

Follow your heart & you'll never be lost. Though you may get better mileage if you figure out where you're going in the first place.

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Give Me Something to Believe

Its official. I couldn't possibly be more miserable than I am right now. Last night was awful, this morning went by far too slow, & I'm absolutely dreading this afternoon. I'm dreading facing Shaun after everything that was said last night... I'm afraid that it'll result in another fight or that we're just going to come home in an awkward silence & it'll last until I go into labor. This stress is killing me. This misery is killing me. I want to be happy again dammit, & I'm just becoming more & more miserable the more we fall apart. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much, because it'd be easier to turn him away... But I don't want to give up on us just yet. I want to believe that we can be happy together, & that we can make things work. Maybe I just have too much faith. Maybe it's time to stop believing, because I've run out of reasons to believe in anything anymore.

Even more Instagram

A few shots from this past week of my sister in the ER, (poor thing. She's such a trooper!), my daughter's adorable older brother Jaxen, my mini Nativity, my new step brother & some early Christmas presents. Enjoy!

Fight for Us

Today has been absolutely fucking miserable... & I mean unbearable. At first it wasn't so bad. I actually had some time to get the bedroom cleaned a bit more for Ivy & get some laundry done, but then everything kind of took a turn for the worse when Shaun came home. I don't know why, but something really got to him today & it was as if I was the one to blame because he turned on me in the blink of an eye. I never even saw it coming... After two & a half weeks of watching him go above & beyond the call of duty to make things right between us & find work so he can help me support our daughter, I was definitely NOT expecting such a horrible outburst. I don't even know what I did that set him off, but his anger just built up faster & faster & by the time I could even come to terms with what was happening, everything had blown out of proportion & I was sitting in my smoking spot, holding back tears & texting him, telling him to end things if this was what we were in for as a family. Like I said, fucking miserable. Don't you agree?

I don't think I'll ever understand why I make him so angry, but it hurts to watch him look at me with the same cold, bitter disgust that I've seen him direct towards Sydney so many times before. It makes me feel worthless. Hell, I feel even lower than that right now... If that's even possible. He did apologize, but at this point in time I'm wondering if it'll be enough. I was never enough to begin with, so is an apology really going to be all it takes for things to be okay between us again? I don't think so. I wish that was the case, but I can't stand the thought of being mistreated again. I'm not Sydney, & I don't deserve to be treated like I am. Regardless of what I may have said or done to upset him. I do love him, but I love Ivy more & I won't put her through this. If our family really means anything to him, he'll put an end to this bullshit before it affects me further & before it has the chance to affect our baby girl. If he can't do that, he's going to have to be prepared to pack his bags & go back to the only one who will tolerate being treated like dirt, but will only ever give him the same treatment. I don't want that for him, & regardless of how badly he could treat me, I never will. I just hope that when it comes down to it, he'll fight for us. We deserve that much.

Miss Monroe - a Sweet Little Tragedy

I can't lie, Marilyn Monroe has been catching my eye a LOT lately. Maybe it's just the sexual appeal, or maybe it's just my attraction to beautiful tragedies, but Miss Monroe has captured my heart & my attention this week. I hope you can appreciate the classic glamour this woman portrays in the same way that I do!

The Fear

I wish that I didn't have to wake every day with this constant fear that I'll never be good enough. Regardless of how many time he's assured me that I am, the past comes back to remind me that I wasn't in the beginning, so why should things be any different now? I wish I could meet my own standards, but I can't even do that. I'm a mess. A pitiful, lonely, insecure mess who has lost sight of herself once again. I know who I am, & I know what I have to do to protect myself & my daughter, but I don't feel like me... I feel like a stranger. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore & it scares me.

Maybe once Ivy gets here, I'll stop focusing on my petty desires & start focusing on what really matters; being someone that she can truly rely on. Really, that should be my main priority. I don't know why I feel like I'm slipping up again... But it scares me. I can't afford to make any more stupid, selfish decisions with a baby involved. She's entirely dependent on ME & me alone. I have to be in control. I'm just so vulnerable right now that everything is affecting me in one way or another, & as far as I can tell it isn't for the best. Somebody help me break away from this, because I'm scared. I just don't want to be this person anymore.

Different Paths

Being a Mum, it never hurts to be prepared - & boy am I ever! I've got plenty of diapers, wipes, baby lotion, enough blankets to keep all of Russia warm this winter, PLENTY of onesies, & God only knows how many play mats, books, toys & other luxuries our baby girl will be showered in once she arrives. I don't even own a quarter of the amount of things that she does! And I dread to think how much more we'll be drowning in once Christmas hits! But how much is too much? I realize that this is a brand new baby, & as my first, (& only!) she has every right to be spoiled rotten, but when does spoiling your baby become overly excessive? I want only the best for her, & granted, I have gotten rid of over half of the clothes I've acquired for her over the past few months.... But I honestly believe that a child can never have too many books or toys. I loved learning at a very young age, & being spoiled by my parents helped me to excel in the educational department. I was the top of my class, in EVERY class, in every school I ever attended. I intend to shower Ivy with just as much attention so that she can (hopefully) benefit from it in a lot of the same ways I did.

At the moment, I'm still waiting on her arrival. It's been an agonizing few weeks, & I know it isn't about to get any less painful quite yet but at least I do know that all the pain will be worth it. I'll be rewarded with a beautiful baby girl, & I'll finally have a family of my own. I couldn't ask for more than that. Hell, even though life has taken a lot of turns for the worse lately, at least I know a lot of good things are coming together. I'll have my ITIN soon & I'll be able to get my drivers license, my OWN bank account, I'll finally be on my Dad's insurance & I can get my toe taken care of so I can wear normal shoes again! Not to mention, I'll be starting the process of getting my Green card so I can not only live here legally, but I can work & qualify for the same benefits as everyone else! I can FINALLY start living my life & relying on myself financially, which is more than I could have ever dreamed of when I left home three years ago.

Now I'm almost nineteen, & I've grown so much... I've learned more than I ever would have if I would have stayed & married Mark when I was sixteen, or if I would have just gone back to England to live with my Grandparents. Granted, I wouldn't be a bad person, & I probably would have led a good life either way, but I wouldn't be who I am today & I wouldn't have this incredible family supporting me or a beautiful daughter to look forward to meeting. It wouldn't be the same, & I wouldn't trade this for anything.

The End is Near!

Well, it's 12/12/12 & so far... I'm not sure I've seen or heard a single zombie or watched any extreme natural disasters take place. I mean, you never know. They could just be holding off until the 21st but they're going to have to hold off just a little longer. Maybe a few hundred years? I'm about to have a baby - I don't know if I'm ready for the end of the world just yet! What are your views on the end of the world? Do you think it'll be cause by the Government? Natural disasters? What about some kind of epidemic? I want to know!

It's Not an Obsession...

I couldn't help it! It's the nerd in me... I am SUCH a Daddy's girl!

Blessed

I can't believe how quickly our little Ivy's due date is creeping up on us... Can you believe it's THIS Saturday?! Maybe this is a little TMI for you all, but for you Mum's out there reading this - I'm sure you've heard MUCH worse. This Friday is (hopefully) my last prenatal at that God awful clinic in South Salt Lake & if I'm dilated enough, the midwife said that she would strip my membranes to see if it would speed things up a bit. Yes, I realize that it's a bit of an awkward process but considering the fact I'm having a baby, I've come to terms with the fact I'm going to be stripped of my dignity (and my membranes) in more ways than one.

Unfortunately I haven't had any consistent contractions whatsoever, or even a slight pattern to them. It's been incredibly disappointing. I realize that as this is my first it's bound to be a highly unpredictable pregnancy, but still. Some consistency wouldn't hurt! Well, it would but at this point in time - pain equals progress! That's all that matters to me anymore. I'm tired of sitting around, waiting for something to happen. I NEED RESULTS DAMMIT!!! But at least I can look forward to a meeting with my mentor this Friday before my lousy prenatal visit. I do love my Nicole :) she always spoils me with Starbucks. Now THAT is a good friend right there! Not to mention I have Christmas gifts from HOH* to look forward to. Mostly because I may not make it to the Girls night next week before I go into labor, but I guess we'll see!

Thankfully me, Shaun & Grandma got to get out & spend some time together tonight as well. I think we all desperately needed it, & it was fun cape hunting for my little brother who has a newfound obsession with Superman. We actually managed to find him the cutest little outfits that I know he'll just love. I will post pictures when he gets the chance to try them on - if you can wait until the 25th that is! I really do love both my families... Grandma, Tami, Tristan, Shaun & Jax, & then of course, my siblings & my parents. I couldn't ask for more incredible people in my life, & having HOH behind me as well? I am so SO blessed. I really am one of the luckiest girls in the world. Times might be rough right now, but I know that with hard work, dedication & perseverance, we'll make it through. I honestly believe that with all my heart.

*For those of you who don't know what HOH is - although I've explained many times before! It is a organization that is dedicated to helping polygamists transition out of polygamy and/or maintain some sort of self reliance & stability in their lives as well as learn to function in today's society. No I am NOT a polygamist. I am a plig kid. There is a difference. I do not condone the polygamist lifestyle but I won't tolerate any negative comments either so if you have anything to say... Don't. I love my family regardless of their beliefs & I will NOT tolerate any negativity towards them on my blog or elsewhere. Thank you :)

Who I Am

If it isn't the ending that matters, but the story itself... I figure I may as well make it a good one. My life has had it's ups & downs, it's successes & it's failures, it's heartbreak & it's fair share of overwhelming happiness, but everything I've been through & everyone I've encountered in my life has contributed to who I am today & who I will become. I have no regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes & allowed them to help me grow. Now I can take on this new chapter in my life with confidence, knowing I'm finally at peace with who I am.

Some of the Keys to Success

"Success is believing in yourself, then convincing everyone else that you're right."

Define your own success.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

Best well the burden of success.

You can never be too rich.

Be generous of spirit.

Be humble.

Be real.

Know your core values.

Childhood Memories

Just thought I'd share a collage of some photos my cousin Amy found of me as a toddler living in England. Can you believe how blonde I was?!

Independence

I can't believe that Christmas is coming up on us so quickly now! It's a little overwhelming to be honest, because I still haven't booked any photo shoots to pay for my siblings gifts & I could have Ivy anytime now. I would really love to be able to be the big sister who spoils her siblings every time she visits & has a great relationship with all of them, but considering my past... I'm not sure that will ever be a possibility. Hannah will always have this hatred towards me for leaving & she will always be waiting for me to disappoint her. That's the last thing I want to do, but when she pushes me away I have very few options. If I push to be there, she hits me with everything she's got & if I don't push hard enough, I "just don't care". I can't win.

Maybe things will change once Ivy gets here. Maybe my sisters can forgive me so I can be there for them & make up for the mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe Shaun will make enough drastic changes that he can start to make things right with the people he's burned... & maybe, just maybe things will start looking up. Now that I have my passport, I can send off for my ITIN so I can get my drivers license & my own bank account. Once I have that, we can focus on getting my Green card so I can really start living & I can provide for my daughter just as much as her Father. I'm tired of being dependent on others for survival. I want to live. I want to be able to take care of myself & my family instead of waiting on somebody else to do it for me. Once I have the tools to do that, nothing can hold me back from being the very best I can be. I want to be happy, & I won't settle for anything less.

Sad, but True

A New Chapter

I'm not going to lie... These past few weeks have been HELL. Watching my family fall apart, spending Thanksgiving weekend doped up & in a neck brace, Shaun walking back into my life & totally surprising me, my step brother spending almost a week in the hospital, & now last night my sister was in the ER. I can't keep up with all of this chaos!

I know ultimately I'll be stronger for it. I just wish that I didn't have to see the people I love hurt so much. I feel so helpless here, & although my priority should be myself & Ivy, it's hard to focus when everyone else around me is falling to pieces. That's my FAMILY. I should be able to be there to support them & help them through this. I can't stand sitting on the sidelines while I wait for my daughter to be born, just so I know where I stand & what I'm capable of doing. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I just started getting close to my family again... I don't want to lose that bond. I've been struggling to gain it back for years, & I am not willing to give it up. Regardless of how difficult thing get. Regardless of how much I have to juggle. That is my family & they are a priority in my book.

I just hope things start to look up sooner rather than later. It's not long until Christmas & the kids need something to look forward to. I'm doing everything I can to find work so I can help them have a memorable Holiday instead of a disappointment, because this is the year our family fell apart... But we aren't falling apart. We're simply branching out in a different direction. We're beginning a new chapter of our lives & as painful as it is, maybe... Just maybe, it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened to us. It's almost impossible to imagine that, but it's all I have to hold on to. That & maybe Ivy will be what makes everybody that much stronger. She's been my saving grace. Maybe she can do the same for the people I love. I guess only time will tell, but I'm praying that this new life is going to be a good life. I can't afford anymore disappointment.

Kayla & Bryce

This is without a doubt, one of THE cutest, sweetest, most genuine couples I have EVER met. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so comfortable with their significant other, or so happy! I loved editing these. My Mum did an excellent job taking them! I couldn't have chosen a better business partner! I'm looking forward to capturing their wedding on the fifth & sharing it with all of you!

A Different Lifetime Ago

Sometimes I'll look at these photos & wonder who the Hell I'm looking at. It doesn't feel like it could be me... The memory is there but there isn't any emotion attached. It's just empty images of the person I used to be. Granted, I will always be bisexual. That doesn't have to affect my role as a Mother or a daughter or a sister.

Restless Nights

It shouldn't be long now... I'm hardly sleeping. I'm uncomfortable & moody. My belly has dropped to the point that it rests on my legs when I sit down & I can't help but slouch from the weight of it all. Yup. She's coming.

Even Grandma's dogs can sense something is up. They'll nudge my belly with their noses or they'll stand close to me whenever I'm around them. It's a little strange to think that dogs are so instinctive about things like this, but it's sort of reassuring, knowing that I'm in good hands (or in this case, paws!). I just wish that this process was a little less unbearable. I'm so tired of being tired when I've hardly done anything at all. I would rather be tired because I've been up taking care of my daughter than be tired because she isn't here yet. It seems absolutely ridiculous, & I think everyone is starting to get a little antsy waiting for me to go into labor... With my Mum moving this weekend & Uncle T's bowling, Shaun's new job, then all this drama with Jax on top of that... It's no wonder everyone is on edge. I just wish we could schedule the delivery to make things a little easier on us all. Hell, if we get to next week with no progress, they'll strip my membranes & if we get to 41 weeks with no progress, I'll be induced. So in a way we would be scheduling it... Sort of.

I just hope she gets here before I drop dead from pointless exhaustion or heartburn. I am tired of this extreme discomfort. My emotions are off the chart, & I'm starting to forget what it feels like to function like a proper human being. You know, being able to put my own socks on & being able to sleep on my back... The stuff most everybody takes for granted. I would practically KILL to be able to sleep on my back again. Nothing has ever sounded so blissfully relaxing in my entire life. I look forward to the day when I can do it without cutting off both mine & Ivy's oxygen supply. Until then, I guess I'm stuck with a sore neck, heartburn from Hell, a severely damaged back & a bag of bowling balls for a belly. Go me!

I think one of the things I am most excited for is wearing normal clothes again... You know, jeans without the spandex, form fitting shirts, or just about anything that is somewhat flattering. I miss feeling like I look good, or being excited about a night out because I can dress up. It's been far too long, & just as soon as I get into the flow of things, I'm going to ensure that my appearance isn't neglected anymore. I need to feel good about myself in order to feel good at all, & after nine miserable months I want to use this opportunity to get in shape & get the body I've always wanted. Luckily I will have one Hell of a trainer, so I will be sure to share some of her secrets with you when I start that up. In the meantime, I do need to try to get some rest. It's almost 2:40 & I haven't slept much in weeks. Sleep is crucial at this point, so wish me luck!

Getting Closer...

Not too much longer until Ivy arrives! At my prenatal today, they told me that I'm one centimeter dilated, 50% effaced. I'm not ENTIRELY sure what that means, but it's a sign that things are moving along!

She Deserves the Best

Although this past year has probably been the most trying time of my life, it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown. How much I have truly learned from my own mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others. I've made so many changes for the greater good. Even though I occasionally slip up, I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off, & take it with a grain of salt. I'm not a little girl anymore... I'm a woman, & I'm about to become a Mother. Nothing has ever motivated me to make so many changes, but I'm a much stronger person because I've learned to sacrifice what I thought mattered for someone that really does. My daughter.

Ivy is without a doubt, the greatest blessing I ever have & ever will receive. She has been the guiding light that has led me out of the darkness & into a whole new world that I never would have dreamed possible. She's given me hope when all hope seemed lost, & she's given me the courage to fight when the whole world seemed to crash & burn around me. She even brought me closer to my family, which is more than I ever could have asked for. I sincerely hope with all my heart that she can do the same for her Father. If there was ever a time he needed purpose & direction in his life, it's right here, right now.

Shaun has already made so many changes... More than I could have hoped for. At the end of the day, there will always be that longing for something more. Something he's been looking for in all the wrong places. I hope that Ivy will be the one that helps him find himself, because he's been running for far too long. He has do much to live for if he would only slow down long enough to see it. I've been lucky enough to share in some of the most incredible parts of his life, & I would hate to see him give it all up again for something completely meaningless. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that boy if only he would fight to earn it.

Maybe this time around he really will change. Maybe Ivy & I will finally mean enough to him to stay faithful, honest & hardworking. I can't hold my breath, because now more than ever I have to be strong for our daughter. I can't allow myself to hurt that much ever again. It doesn't mean I don't love him, because he knows that I do & that I always will. I just love Ivy more. She is entirely dependent on me as her Mum & I will NOT let her down. I will give everything I have to ensure that little girl'd safety, stability, & happiness. She is far too precious for me to give any less.

The Reason

Sometimes it's hard to believe that life could ever really get much worse... But once in a while, there are those days that every little thing goes your way & you can't help but wonder if things could possibly get much better. Today, (well I suppose it was yesterday now) was one of those good days. There wasn't really anything absolutely incredible about it, but it was one of those days that you just take on without stress, without worry, & without any regard for tomorrow. All you're thinking is here & now, you & me, & taking the day minute by minute, hour by hour, until you completely forget about yesterday & everything that has been nagging at your mind the past little while. You just let go...

Going to the humane society & seeing all the animals was probably one of the highlights of my day in all honesty. It's been a while since I've really been able to appreciate the little things, & all those kittens just melted my heart. If I could have taken them all home, I would have. Seeing all those animals who's lives are in the hands of others really made me realize the amount of control I have over the quality of my own life. That's something I couldn't be more grateful for... And now, I know where I'll be going to invest in a little friend for my baby girl once she's a little older!

I think the other highlight of my day was seeing Shaun get so pumped over entering to win the Anberlin concert tickets, & then us actually winning them! I wasn't expecting that in the slightest, but it just goes to show that it doesn't always hurt to hope. Sometimes our hopes can become a reality. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant, they can lift our spirits & change our entire outlook on life in a single moment. Just winning those tickets put a smile on his face the rest of the night & gave him the much needed motivation to finish filling out all of the job applications we picked up the day before yesterday - thank GOD! Now it FINALLY is starting to feel like we're making progress. Yeah, it's still hard to open up & trust him again after everything he did... But he is trying. He's really handled things with his Dad well so far, & watching him make the decision to do the right thing & give Nacho's phone back may only have been a small step, but it was a step in the right direction & that's what really counts.

His determination has been encouraging. I just hope that he continues to keep it up, for Grandma's sake. Nobody loves Shaun more than her, & nobody wants to see him succeed as badly. She would give anything for him to be happy & to go somewhere in life, & to see him not only coming to terms with the truth about a lot of things he had denied in the past, but to see him working hard to find work & show consistency for Jax & Ivy's sake is a huge comfort to her. I know how much it's hurt her to see him falling further & further away from everyone & everything he's ever truly loved, but to see him pick himself up & try without even the slightest push from any of us... That's something to be truly grateful for. I just hope he can keep it up, because life has never favored him more than it does right now. He has the chance to be there for his son, to make things right with his Mum & his Grandma, & to have a family again & a home where he'll always be loved for him. Not for the person he's been hiding behind. THAT is more than I think even he could ever ask for.

I just pray that he can be strong enough to continue to make good decisions & fight for the people that really do matter... Because if he blows it again, he's got so much further to fall, & so much more to lose. Only thing is... This time, there won't be any way to gain any of it back. If that isn't reason enough to change, I don't know what is.

Good Old Days

Getting over chicken pox with my best friend & my little sister. Those were some good days <3

Who Am I?

These past few months I have made so many dramatic changes, it's almost difficult to remember who I am & who I've been striving to be. I'll look back & see this miserable insecure teenage girl who had absolutely no direction & no purpose to her life whatsoever, & she almost seems like a stranger. I look in the mirror & I can't tell you how long it's been since the last time I saw her staring back at me. I guess it's because I'm doing something right, or maybe she got lost somewhere along the way but regardless of what happened to her... regardless of the things she had that I didn't, or the innocence she carried that I lost a long long time ago... I don't miss her.

I mean sure, there are things about her that I miss. I miss being wanted by the ones that I wanted too. I miss feeling like there was so much to my life when at the time, there really wasn't anything to my life at all. The world just seemed so small & I felt so big & powerful that I forgot for a long time that there were billions of other people out there living the same life as me. Making the same mistakes & learning in many of the same ways. Now I'm beginning to realize there's much more to life than I thought, & there is so much more to people. People are cold, & bitter & angry & miserable. People are selfish, & jealous & proud. Then there's those few that are absolutely incredible, & reliable & strong. They walk into your life when you least expect it & they turn the world right side up again. They remind you how it feels to be happy, & suddenly you can live as if for the first time.

I try not to look to the past too often, but when i do I like to do it to learn something, or to remind myself that even though times are tough, if I've made it this far I can make it all the way. The past is full of lessons, & I'm grateful for everything I've been through because it made me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. It's given me the opportunity to live an entirely different life, & I love it. I love my life, I love the people in it. I love the opportunities I've had through the changes I've made, & I love the experiences I've had. Nobody is luckier than me, & even though everything is crashing down around me right now & around the people that I care about... we'll make it through this. We have each other, & ultimately that makes us even stronger.

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Some Things I'm Thankful For...

"The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see."

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I just thought I should share with you all some things that I'm grateful for. Being raised in England, Thanksgiving has never been very important to me as it isn't celebrated over there. Yeah, I've always appreciated the good food & good company, but I preferred the idea of a day being celebrated out of gratitude. Sadly, that doesn't play as much of a part in the Holiday these days as it should, but I'd still like to take a minute to be grateful & to share that gratitude with you all. (Keep in mind, these aren't in order of importance - just to be clear!)

#1 My daughter, Ivy Rose Bills. Nobody has ever made this much of an incredible impact on my life or changed me in so many ways. She isn't even here yet, & she's helped me become a better, stronger, smarter, happier person. She's my reason for fighting every day, & she will be the key to my success because she is my motivation. Everything I am is thanks to my baby girl, & I wouldn't have it any other way.

#2 My family. The ones that were there from the beginning, & the ones that I've gained through Shaun & Ivy. I've never felt more love from so many people in my life, & the support & encouragement I have received these past few months has been incredible. I don't know where I'd be without them, but they are everything to me & I couldn't be more grateful for their presence in my life.

#3 My home. For the first time in over two years, I have a stable place to live where I don't have to worry about rent, deadlines, obnoxious roommates, exposure to drugs, or being kicked out. I'm not afraid for my daughter to live under this roof because I'm lucky enough to be living with somebody who cares a great deal for the both of us & would do anything to ensure our safety & security. That is more than I ever thought possible even two months ago, let alone two years.

#4 My friends. Even though over the past two years I have lost & gained many many friends, there are a few that have stuck with me through it all, both old & new. Eryka Watson has been like a sister to me & has probably remained my most genuinely faithful friend for as long as I've known her. Scott Watson, even though we aren't in contact these days he has been my friend for as long as I can remember & to this day does not judge me or criticize me for my decisions or my lifestyle & is probably one of the most decent guys out there these days. Nacho & Chantell, for keeping a roof over my head & helping me keep it together while the world was falling to pieces around me. For keeping my phone on & being patient with me as I struggle to find work to pay for it. For putting up with more than I could ever ask for from anyone, & for being good friends to somebody who unfortunately was less than deserving, but will one day look back & appreciate it for all it was worth. And last but not least, my obnoxiously loving cousin Kimmie. That girl keeps me grounded, & has been such a dedicated friend these past years, & especially this past couple months. I don't know what I would do without any of these incredible people in my life, but I've so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of them that I just can't contain it!

#5 My iPhone 4. Yes, I'm grateful for my cell phone, but it's my source of sanity & I don't know what I would do if it hadn't been invented. It has become my greatest means of communication with the outside world & will continue to serve me well while I slowly become a recluse & embark on this new journey as a single Mum. Goodbye fair world, I shall miss you!

#6 Holding Out Help. They have been without a doubt, one of the biggest sources of support & encouragement in my life & throughout the past year have shown an incredible amount of faith in me when I wouldn't have believed that I deserved it. They've played a huge part in the woman I've become & I know that they'll play a big part in my daughters life as well. We are both so so lucky for their presence in our life & I will always consider them family, no matter where life may take me. You couldn't find more honorable people if you tried.

#7 The Adventure Church food bank. They're provided me with such a large abundance of food since the beginning of the summer & have continued to do so, even though I have lacked consistency with my appointments & haven't always been able to show up when I promised to. They're incredible people, & their mission is more than honorable. I'm so so grateful for their presence in my life every other week. It is greatly appreciated, & so is the food they pile me up with to take home!

#8 My Mum. I know I already mentioned family, but my Mum has loved me through everything... no matter what I've said or done, she's just loved me even more & continued to have faith in me even when I didn't deserve it. She's supported me & encouraged me, & even though I've broken her heart countless times & put her in some awful situations that we were lucky enough to climb out of, she's still shown me more love & devotion than I could have asked for. That woman is an inspiration to me, & I can't wait for her influence in my daughters life as well. She is without a doubt, my best friend. I am more grateful for her than she will ever ever know. I love you Mum.

#9 My health. Even though I've spent a great deal of time on the streets, living in a car, a truck, a tent, on couches & on floors, standing by the freeway just to get enough money for a cheeseburger & hitchhiking from different states, I've managed to stay in surprisingly good health. My pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly & I've been lucky enough to avoid some miserable aspects of it. Ivy is more than healthy (as of yesterday the Midwife says she probably weighs in at about 6 & a half pounds!), & I'm surprisingly positive about the future. I'm grateful for every night that turns into a brand new day & for a healthy heart, healthy lungs, a healthy mind & a healthy body. I'm one lucky girl.

#10 Shaun. Even though my experiences with him were absolutely heartbreaking, & I endured the lowest levels of betrayal that I could possibly endure... I learned so much from him. I learned the reality of love. I learned what a relationship should be. What a family should be. I learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed, & I learned what it means to suffer real loss. I not only lost somebody that I really, truly loved... but I lost my security & my peace of mind. I lost trust in people, & I lost faith in the world & in myself. But thanks to my daughter, I found the strength to walk away & to fight for it all back. I may not be waiting for him to come crawling back, promising he'll make things right because I know he won't... but I've found the strength to stand on my own two feet & move on without feeling the need to rely on somebody else to make me whole. That is more than anyone could ever hope for, but if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the presence of this beautiful baby girl in my life. He gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, & although he can't be here to share it with me, at least he can live knowing that she is one accident to be proud of.

So there it is... ten things that I am grateful for this year, & will continue to be grateful for throughout the rest of my life. I hope that you're thinking of the things in your life that you can be grateful for, & expressing that gratitude with others! Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Forgiven, Not Forgotten

"One day when they realize how much you were actually there for them, they'll look around & notice that you're gone."

It's strange to think how easy it's gotten over the past week to move on. It's almost as if I was never in love with him in the first place, even though I know damn well that I still am. I've just realized that I don't have to be with anybody to move on with my life. I can be happy on my own, simply because I choose to be. I can't afford to let anybody else determine how I feel when I need to be strong for my baby girl. I'm the only one that is responsible for the quality of my life, & if I allow myself to be miserable I'm allowing everything in my life to have a similar effect over me. I don't have to fall out of love or fall in love with anyone else to be a stronger, happier person. I just need to continue to make smart decisions that will ultimately lead to mine & Ivy's happiness & success.

It isn't easy to forgive somebody after they've wronged you over & over again in ways you would never have thought possible... but I have. I've forgiven him because if I don't, I'd still be tied to him emotionally because I'd be allowing the pain & the anger to eat at me until it consumed me entirely. Ivy's far too precious & far too innocent to expose to so much negativity. I've forgiven him for her, but I'll never forget. The trust I once had in him was lost. He could fight as much as he wanted, & even though he COULD change & he COULD turn his life around & be the Father I know he's capable of being... he won't. It doesn't mean enough to him, & it obviously never did or he would have stayed & continued to fight to ensure that our daughter never had to experience the loss & the trauma that her older brother has already lived through at such a young age. He may "love" me & he may "love" our daughter, but at this point in time I'm not sure he has any idea what it really does mean to love somebody. Love isn't something you give up on or walk out on because times get hard & things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. Love is something you fight for. Something you work at every day. Something you never ever let go of no matter how much it hurts.

I haven't let go of my feelings towards him. They'll always be there, but those feelings are only ever intended for the man I thought he was. The man I know he could be... not the selfish little boy he turned out to be. I can't wait for somebody that doesn't exist. Ivy deserves a Father, & I deserve somebody who will fight for me & support me in my mission. Not somebody that will hold me back from living my life to the fullest & raising my daughter to be strong & happy. Nobody is worth that to me, even somebody that I was more than willing to dedicate my heart to over & over again if only they deserved it. I would have always been there for him, but he didn't want it badly enough to stay. I'm not pushing pause on my life for somebody that lives theirs in fast forward. Ivy deserves more from me than that, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her.

Baby Steps to a Better You

Here are a few tips that have really helped me progress this past year, & even more so the past couple months! I just had to share them with you, & hopefully they'll help you just as much as they have helped me. Just be sure to keep an open mind & not only read them, but apply them. Best of luck!

#1 Realize that the only person in charge of my life is ME. I am accountable for the quality of my life, & no one else.

#2 Search for the facts & look at things as they are, then create a new vision by seeing things as I'd like them to be so that I can learn to improve them.

#3 Eliminate my excuses because (A) nobody wants to hear them & (b) all they do is slow me down & prevent me from accomplishing anything.

#4 Acknowledge that blaming stems from denial & doesn't accomplish anything because no matter what, blaming won't change my circumstances.

#5 Realize that I can change practically anything & everything by doing or thinking something different. Understand that it's not what happens to me. It's how I respond to it that matters, & how I do that is up to me.

#6 When I ask a different question, I will trigger a different response which ultimately creates a different outcome.

#7 Remember that results don't lie. The easiest way to find out if something isn't working is to pay attention to the outcomes I'm getting.

#8 Pay attention to alerts/signals that I'm getting from other people or my intuition. These are often signs that can help me from preventing unwanted consequences later on.

#9 Keep in mind that I have all the tools I need to get the results I want.

My New Business Card!

What He Did RIGHT

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Despite everything I've been through this past year as well as these past couple months, I am surprisingly positive about the future. I not only have an INCREDIBLE support system that has been behind me all the way in every decision that I've made, but I have a roof over my head with somebody that loves me & my daughter enough to help provide me with the tools I need to rely on & provide for myself. I have the birth of my baby girl to look forward to & I have the entire world waiting for me. I just have to take the first step, make the first move & let go of all the bullshit I've been holding onto for so damn long.

Being with Shaun taught me a lot. It taught me a lot about myself & about the people that I love. Our relationship helped me to realize who is genuine & who is fake, who is lying & who will always be honest with me, who really loves me & who will never love me enough... & the things that matter the most & the things that in the end turn out to be absolutely meaningless. He taught me how to be selfless in a roundabout way, & for the first time in my life I'm prepared to put the right people before myself & push the wrong people out of the picture entirely. Unfortunately, Shaun wasn't the one. I sincerely thought he was... the one who would love me & our daughter forever. The one that would fight for me even when it seemed like there was nothing to fight for anymore... but he couldn't even fight when he had all the right cards in his hand. I didn't mean enough to fight for, & neither did Ivy Rose. What he doesn't seem to understand is that regardless of my love for him, I've moved on. I may always love him, but not enough to allow myself to hurt over him again & not enough to allow him to hurt our daughter. I don't need a man (or a woman) to make me happy or to help me raise our Ivy. I have an incredible family that has grown in size thanks to his temporary presence in my life & I have some of the most faithful friends anyone could ever ask for. Anybody who says that my baby girl needs a Father obviously hasn't met me, because I'm strong enough to make up for his absence.

Now that Shaun is out of the picture, I can finally focus on moving forward with my life. I can finally do what is necessary to take care of our daughter & I am finally strong enough to know when I've had enough. There's nothing anybody could say or do to convince me to allow him back into my life at this point. He's had plenty of opportunities to change, & even though every day that he wakes up alive & breathing is a sign that life is granting him the opportunity to do things right this time around, that will never be enough to push him to change. People don't mean enough to him... even the ones that should. He doesn't mean enough to himself. He relies on excuses to be happy or to justify his misery, but he has had more than enough excuses to be happy & to change. He just doesn't care to, & I can't allow somebody like that into mine & my daughters life. I'll always love him, & I will never raise Ivy to have any hatred or anger towards him but if she chooses to develop those feelings on her own because he made the decision to be absent, he is the only one that is at fault. He is perfectly capable of changing, but until he does I will NOT take any more chances on him.

I have to be clear on one thing before I go... I don't regret falling in love with him. I don't regret the time I had with him or the beautiful baby girl we created together. I do regret allowing him to take advantage of so many people I love & to betray me & lie to me again & again when deep down, I knew the truth. I just didn't want to believe it. I am grateful for the influence he had in my life, because it truly changed me for the better. Even though every time I took one step forward, it was as if he had taken ten steps back... at least he did a few things right.

#1 Signing his son over to somebody who was more than willing to take responsibility for him.

#2 Helping me create this beautiful, innocent baby girl.

#3 Leaving & opening my eyes to the person he truly is & always will be.

It's sad that his children will never mean enough to him to help him change. It's sad that even though he loves me, it'll never be enough to fight for me or make the better decisions necessary to be with me... but in a way, everything ultimately happened for the best. Everybody is finally starting to see his true colors, & everyone is finally moving on because he's given them one too many reasons why he isn't worth holding on to or believing in. Maybe one day something will hit him hard enough to help him see all the damage he's caused & maybe somebody will be able to show him what it will take to make things right again, but that can never be me because in the end it would only ever hurt Ivy. My daughter means more to me than anyone else ever could, & regardless of any feelings I may have had for him, it'll never be enough to put her at risk of getting hurt. That's something he may never understand, but at this point it should be the least of his worries because now all he has become in my life is a shadow. A memory of good & bad times, & a constant reminder to continue fighting because he never would. Ivy deserves that much.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like... God Only Knows

None of His Concern

It's been a while since I've really written about anything in particular... so much has been happening, & so much has been weighing on my mind that it's been difficult to stay focused. After so much hurt & so much betrayal, it's been a struggle to keep it together. Luckily I've had so many incredible people behind me in everything I do, so I must be doing something right these days. I guess fighting to be a better person really does pay off in the end.

After everything that had happened between Shaun & I, I didn't think I would suffer anymore or that it was even possible to be betrayed yet again now that he is out of my life, but I was wrong. He stole something... something very precious to me & to my family. For days I was struggling to keep my head on straight. I didn't want to hurt anymore, & even though it was irreplaceable, I promised myself I would be happy regardless. It was too soon to Ivy's arrival to be breaking down again. Then... a miracle happened. Somehow we were lucky enough to find that the thing he has stolen from us was already back safe & sound by his own hand. Now it doesn't change the fact that it was stolen, or that he had the audacity to lie about it to me. But it's back in the hands of it's rightful owner... just like it never left, & I couldn't be more grateful.

I guess it does really hurt to know that he not only stole from me, but the people that I care about so much. He sought out something that meant more to me than money ever could, & had every intention of selling it & pocketing the money as if it had never existed in the first place. I don't know what my Mum said or did that night, but whatever it was, I truly believed it softened his heart enough to give it back to me.

Shaun may never admit that he stole it, & if he doesn't that's okay because I'll still know the truth... he may never be honest about anything to me really. But that's his loss, because there is no place in mine or Ivy's life for dishonesty. Regardless of whether he's her Father or not. That is a title that is earned. Just because his blood runs through her veins does NOT mean he has any right to call himself her Dad or pretend that he is even capable of being a decent one. I love him with all my heart, but I deserve better than what he's given me. We have some good memories, but all the lies & betrayal have almost canceled it all out... I've moved on, & one day I'll find somebody that really cares about being the person I deserve. I may not ever find somebody that I could bear to be with, but I know that somewhere there is somebody who deserves me. Shaun had his chance, & he still has the opportunity to change & live the life that will ultimately make him happy, but I'm not waiting for him. If I held my breath, I'd suffocate. Ivy doesn't need a Father, & I don't need a man to be happy. He may never understand that, but at this point it's none of his concern regardless.

Don't Let it Consume You

Hate is a nasty thing... But so is regret. Even more so in many ways. I don't regret loving Shaun, but I regret allowing him to treat me with such disrespect & dishonesty while he took advantage of those around us at the same time. I regret giving him another chance, because losing him once again after he assured me he would change for our daughter almost fucking broke me down. I've been fighting for so long to make him happy, but he doesn't want to be. Nothing I say or do will change that.

My Heart Belongs to You

I'm falling apart, & I'm watching my whole world fall with me. Everything is so wrong... we should be happy together. We should be a family for our daughter, & instead we're struggling to keep it all together regardless of what we're fighting for. I'm afraid that we're just too broken to be fixed again... the only glue that has been holding us together this long is our sweet little Ivy Rose, but what if that isn't enough? What if our love for her isn't enough to keep us together... the thought alone breaks my heart. Her Daddy means the world to me & he's the only one other than her that will ever hold my heart. He's the only one I ever want to be with... to lose him because we can't sort out our problems anymore would kill me.

I know I have to keep it together for our baby. I know I need to stay strong & push past the bullshit... but it just blows up in my face no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try, somehow I'm making things worse. I love Shaun so much, & I'd give anything to make this work but it breaks my heart that when I try to do the right thing... when I try to make the smart decision... I'm only upsetting him or the other people that I care about. Where do I go from here? I want so badly to escape from it all... but I can't run away from my problems. I can't run away when I have a child to take care of. I envy her Father, because he's free to run & disappear when he pleases & I'm the one left standing in the dust.

I love him so much, & I want to believe that he wants this. I want to believe that we can be a family for Ivy. The family that she deserves... but when he's becoming more & more distant & I'm left here to wonder if we're ever going to work out or even if we're still together... what am I supposed to do? Everything he told me when he came back has been canceled out by everything he's done the past few days & it's breaking my heart. Why am I not worth the fight? Why isn't Ivy? I just need to know where to go from here... because my heart belongs to him & I can't let that go all over again.

More Instagram - An End to October