Fight for Us

Today has been absolutely fucking miserable... & I mean unbearable. At first it wasn't so bad. I actually had some time to get the bedroom cleaned a bit more for Ivy & get some laundry done, but then everything kind of took a turn for the worse when Shaun came home. I don't know why, but something really got to him today & it was as if I was the one to blame because he turned on me in the blink of an eye. I never even saw it coming... After two & a half weeks of watching him go above & beyond the call of duty to make things right between us & find work so he can help me support our daughter, I was definitely NOT expecting such a horrible outburst. I don't even know what I did that set him off, but his anger just built up faster & faster & by the time I could even come to terms with what was happening, everything had blown out of proportion & I was sitting in my smoking spot, holding back tears & texting him, telling him to end things if this was what we were in for as a family. Like I said, fucking miserable. Don't you agree?

I don't think I'll ever understand why I make him so angry, but it hurts to watch him look at me with the same cold, bitter disgust that I've seen him direct towards Sydney so many times before. It makes me feel worthless. Hell, I feel even lower than that right now... If that's even possible. He did apologize, but at this point in time I'm wondering if it'll be enough. I was never enough to begin with, so is an apology really going to be all it takes for things to be okay between us again? I don't think so. I wish that was the case, but I can't stand the thought of being mistreated again. I'm not Sydney, & I don't deserve to be treated like I am. Regardless of what I may have said or done to upset him. I do love him, but I love Ivy more & I won't put her through this. If our family really means anything to him, he'll put an end to this bullshit before it affects me further & before it has the chance to affect our baby girl. If he can't do that, he's going to have to be prepared to pack his bags & go back to the only one who will tolerate being treated like dirt, but will only ever give him the same treatment. I don't want that for him, & regardless of how badly he could treat me, I never will. I just hope that when it comes down to it, he'll fight for us. We deserve that much.