Independence

I can't believe that Christmas is coming up on us so quickly now! It's a little overwhelming to be honest, because I still haven't booked any photo shoots to pay for my siblings gifts & I could have Ivy anytime now. I would really love to be able to be the big sister who spoils her siblings every time she visits & has a great relationship with all of them, but considering my past... I'm not sure that will ever be a possibility. Hannah will always have this hatred towards me for leaving & she will always be waiting for me to disappoint her. That's the last thing I want to do, but when she pushes me away I have very few options. If I push to be there, she hits me with everything she's got & if I don't push hard enough, I "just don't care". I can't win.

Maybe things will change once Ivy gets here. Maybe my sisters can forgive me so I can be there for them & make up for the mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe Shaun will make enough drastic changes that he can start to make things right with the people he's burned... & maybe, just maybe things will start looking up. Now that I have my passport, I can send off for my ITIN so I can get my drivers license & my own bank account. Once I have that, we can focus on getting my Green card so I can really start living & I can provide for my daughter just as much as her Father. I'm tired of being dependent on others for survival. I want to live. I want to be able to take care of myself & my family instead of waiting on somebody else to do it for me. Once I have the tools to do that, nothing can hold me back from being the very best I can be. I want to be happy, & I won't settle for anything less.