I wish that I didn't have to wake every day with this constant fear that I'll never be good enough. Regardless of how many time he's assured me that I am, the past comes back to remind me that I wasn't in the beginning, so why should things be any different now? I wish I could meet my own standards, but I can't even do that. I'm a mess. A pitiful, lonely, insecure mess who has lost sight of herself once again. I know who I am, & I know what I have to do to protect myself & my daughter, but I don't feel like me... I feel like a stranger. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore & it scares me.
Maybe once Ivy gets here, I'll stop focusing on my petty desires & start focusing on what really matters; being someone that she can truly rely on. Really, that should be my main priority. I don't know why I feel like I'm slipping up again... But it scares me. I can't afford to make any more stupid, selfish decisions with a baby involved. She's entirely dependent on ME & me alone. I have to be in control. I'm just so vulnerable right now that everything is affecting me in one way or another, & as far as I can tell it isn't for the best. Somebody help me break away from this, because I'm scared. I just don't want to be this person anymore.
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