Fingers Crossed

This is undeniably, the most confusing experience I have ever had with my body. I'm so unbearably uncomfortable that I can't sleep, I don't really want to eat, & using the loo is probably the most awkward it has ever been. I would take a month long period over this discomfort any day. My belly is so heavy that everything below it is sore & stiff, & I'm almost positive that I won't be able to climb stairs too much longer now that my knees lock up every time I try to bend them a little more than usual. I can't even get my own socks & shoes on or get out of the car without help anymore. I can't imagine how our older generation must feel, having to rely on others this much to help them with the seemingly simple everyday tasks that we take for granted. It's absolutely unbearable. What happened to my independence?

It may sound a little silly, but I'm beginning to feel like I just might remain pregnant forever. I can't even remember what it feels like to live from day to day without having to worry about bumping this ginormous belly, or struggling to find something, ANYTHING, that fits. I don't remember how it feels to sleep on my back, or even really sleep throughout the entire night without tossing & turning in pain. I don't remember what it's like to get all dressed up & actually feel pretty, or look in the mirror without feeling complete & utter hatred towards my reflection. When is it going to end? I don't regret getting pregnant by any means, but what is all this misery for if I still can't hold my baby girl in my arms? How much longer must I honestly wait before I can look at her perfect little face & change her tiny little butt that's been poking out at everyone throughout these past couple months? I'm miserable because I feel like I've gone through all this pain & all this stress for nothing... Even though I know my daughter will be well worth the wait. I'm just struggling to be grateful for the gift that I haven't received yet. Maybe that's selfish of me, but I've waited do long & been through so much that to wait any longer is absolute TORTURE.

I honestly didn't think I'd make it to my due date, let alone past it. I am now officially 40 weeks & 2 days. Ivy should have made an appearance by now, but being her Father's daughter, I can honestly say that I'm not surprised she's late. He likes to show up when you least expect him to, & I guess that's what we're in for with Miss Ivy Rose. It won't be until we throw our hands in the air & give up on her ever arriving that she'll decide to grace us with her presence. It's just so unfair! We're both really struggling with the way my body has responded to this pregnancy over the past few weeks & I've reached the point where I'm just waiting on a miracle from the almighty, because my body isn't doing anything. Quite literally, NOTHING is happening. I haven't had ANY discharge whatsoever up until tonight, I haven't had any consistent contractions or cramping, & I still haven't lost my mucus plug. I'm starting to feel just a little discouraged... I'm fairly sure that she would stay in there forever if she could. I just don't know how much more I can take. It's so close to Christmas that if I wait too much longer, I may just end up with a Christmas Eve baby. Although that'd be the perfect gift, I think it's unfair to give birth on a Holiday because then it's almost as if their birthday is less important. Not to mention it makes it a little difficult to celebrate with friends in the future, (unless of course it's New Years). I just hope I'm not spending this Christmas in the hospital. Although that might seem selfish of me, it means a great deal to me to be there for my family this year & if I am unable to do that because I'm still recovering, it's going to be really hard on me. I realize I have priorities as a Mother now, but my family is still one of my greatest concerns & I don't want to let my sisters down again. As much as I love them, they won't take it lightly.

I guess I am at an impasse. Hopefully our baby girl rears her pretty little head in the next couple days or I am going to be one grumpy Momma this Holiday season! Wish me luck!