Forgiven, Not Forgotten

"One day when they realize how much you were actually there for them, they'll look around & notice that you're gone."

It's strange to think how easy it's gotten over the past week to move on. It's almost as if I was never in love with him in the first place, even though I know damn well that I still am. I've just realized that I don't have to be with anybody to move on with my life. I can be happy on my own, simply because I choose to be. I can't afford to let anybody else determine how I feel when I need to be strong for my baby girl. I'm the only one that is responsible for the quality of my life, & if I allow myself to be miserable I'm allowing everything in my life to have a similar effect over me. I don't have to fall out of love or fall in love with anyone else to be a stronger, happier person. I just need to continue to make smart decisions that will ultimately lead to mine & Ivy's happiness & success.

It isn't easy to forgive somebody after they've wronged you over & over again in ways you would never have thought possible... but I have. I've forgiven him because if I don't, I'd still be tied to him emotionally because I'd be allowing the pain & the anger to eat at me until it consumed me entirely. Ivy's far too precious & far too innocent to expose to so much negativity. I've forgiven him for her, but I'll never forget. The trust I once had in him was lost. He could fight as much as he wanted, & even though he COULD change & he COULD turn his life around & be the Father I know he's capable of being... he won't. It doesn't mean enough to him, & it obviously never did or he would have stayed & continued to fight to ensure that our daughter never had to experience the loss & the trauma that her older brother has already lived through at such a young age. He may "love" me & he may "love" our daughter, but at this point in time I'm not sure he has any idea what it really does mean to love somebody. Love isn't something you give up on or walk out on because times get hard & things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. Love is something you fight for. Something you work at every day. Something you never ever let go of no matter how much it hurts.

I haven't let go of my feelings towards him. They'll always be there, but those feelings are only ever intended for the man I thought he was. The man I know he could be... not the selfish little boy he turned out to be. I can't wait for somebody that doesn't exist. Ivy deserves a Father, & I deserve somebody who will fight for me & support me in my mission. Not somebody that will hold me back from living my life to the fullest & raising my daughter to be strong & happy. Nobody is worth that to me, even somebody that I was more than willing to dedicate my heart to over & over again if only they deserved it. I would have always been there for him, but he didn't want it badly enough to stay. I'm not pushing pause on my life for somebody that lives theirs in fast forward. Ivy deserves more from me than that, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her.