My Whole World

It's hard sometimes... I love being a Mum, & I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, but losing her Father in an attempt to protect her is breaking my heart. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose everything we had all over again, but I have to do what I believe is right for Ivy. What kind of Mother would I be if I didn't? I just want her to be safe & happy & healthy... But I also want her to have her Daddy in her life, & the way things are going between us, the chances of that seem slimmer & slimmer. Yes, he broke my heart... but I broke his. It wasn't my intention, but I got scared & ran away just like he has so many times before. I'm an idiot, but then again... If I hadn't left... If Grandma hadn't asked me to leave... Things could have fallen apart on their own anyway. Thats what kills me. We were falling apart, & I wasn't ready for our relationship to end... So I had to go.

I wish he was here to hold his daughter. To see how much more she's grown to look like him in the past few days. To hear her giggle in her sleep & to rock her when she cries. I want that for both of them. But I can't win. I can't make anybody happy without something being wrong, & I'm struggling. I'm losing myself, & the only thing in the world keeping me together is Ivy. She's quite literally my everything. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that girl... Even if it means losing the one I love

Missing My Family

Every time Shaun has asked me what's wrong, I've almost felt obligated to make something up because in all honesty, I really haven't known the reason why I've been so miserable up until this point. I've finally figured it out... I miss my family. I miss my Dad, I miss my siblings, but most of all I miss my Mum.

Things have been so rough for all of us these past few weeks & with my family living an hour away, I realize that I'm not going to be able to see them every day... But I haven't really seen them at all in weeks & it's making everything so much harder to deal with. I'm not alone. I know that much. I've had Shaun & Grandma taking good care of me. However, emotionally? My family was keeping me grounded, & it's so hard to know in  which direction I'm going without somebody directing me. I realize that I'm a big girl & I'm about to be a Mother, so I really do need to stand on my own two feet, but having my Mum & Dad there for me when I fall - or even when I stumble is really important to me. ESPECIALLY with Ivy being born anytime now. Just a much as she needs her Mother, I need mine. Just in an entirely different aspect.

I can't say enough how much I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. Yes, I'll be spending some of it with Shaun's family too, but right now in the midst of all this chaos, I need my parents & my siblings this Holiday season. I don't want to disappoint my sisters anymore & I don't want to disappoint myself. I've been too distant for too long. It's time to step up to the plate & be the sister & daughter that my family deserves. And yes, I'm still going to slip up & make a few mistakes, but I'm not going to push them away anymore. They mean far too much to me, & I just have to say that I am so so exited to give them their gifts & celebrate Christmas with them & with my daughter. She is the best gift of all, & I can't wait to meet her!

Finally

Finally! Something is actually looking up! I never have to go to that awful clinic in Salt Lake again, I don't have to deliver at the University in order to have an induction, & if all goes well, I should be able to have my Mum at Ivy's birth since I will be delivering a lot closer to home. I can't even begin to tell you how happy this all makes me!

It's a little bit difficult to try and explain why my pregnancy has been so complicated when it came to seeing a Doctor & getting my prenatal care, but it mostly had to do with my legal status and lack of insurance. This country is definitely not kind to immigrants. ESPECIALLY when it comes to healthcare. Fortunately  Shaun convinced me to go into labor and delivery over at Alta View to get looked at & to make sure Ivy was okay (which of course, she still is!), & the nurse found me a Doctor at the hospital that will see me without insurance! Not only that, but they said if I'd like to have Ivy there & get induced once I am 41 weeks, it won't be a problem whatsoever. I can't honestly begin to tell you how much of a relief this is for all of us. After months of lousy service from that nasty clinic, I can finally see somebody who not only takes their job seriously, but takes me and my pregnancy seriously, & that's what counts.

So for all of you who were asking where I would be delivering; I am THRILLED to announce that I will no longer be having Ivy at the University, but in fact Alta View! I will keep you all updated, but hopefully it won't be TOO much longer before Ivy is born. Saturday at the latest!

Lets Brighten Things Up a Bit

Seeing as I probably won't be able to celebrate the Holidays the way I originally planned to, I might as well share something festive to lift my spirits & remind me that although tradition plays a huge part in what makes Christmas so special, it's the people we celebrate with & what we give of ourselves that really matters most. It doesn't matter if you celebrate it on the 25th, or the 27th or even on New Years, just as long as you spend it with the people you love.

So here are our Christmas lights that Shaun was so kind as to hang in my room... Aren't they pretty? It isn't the best decorating job in the world, but bless his heart for trying to make me happy!

Come All Ye Whovians

Yes, we're nerds, & yes, we're pretty damn proud of it! I always knew I could never love anyone who wasn't a Whovian... Any of you lovely readers out there fans of Doctor Who? We can't wait for the Christmas special! What about you?

Fingers Crossed

This is undeniably, the most confusing experience I have ever had with my body. I'm so unbearably uncomfortable that I can't sleep, I don't really want to eat, & using the loo is probably the most awkward it has ever been. I would take a month long period over this discomfort any day. My belly is so heavy that everything below it is sore & stiff, & I'm almost positive that I won't be able to climb stairs too much longer now that my knees lock up every time I try to bend them a little more than usual. I can't even get my own socks & shoes on or get out of the car without help anymore. I can't imagine how our older generation must feel, having to rely on others this much to help them with the seemingly simple everyday tasks that we take for granted. It's absolutely unbearable. What happened to my independence?

It may sound a little silly, but I'm beginning to feel like I just might remain pregnant forever. I can't even remember what it feels like to live from day to day without having to worry about bumping this ginormous belly, or struggling to find something, ANYTHING, that fits. I don't remember how it feels to sleep on my back, or even really sleep throughout the entire night without tossing & turning in pain. I don't remember what it's like to get all dressed up & actually feel pretty, or look in the mirror without feeling complete & utter hatred towards my reflection. When is it going to end? I don't regret getting pregnant by any means, but what is all this misery for if I still can't hold my baby girl in my arms? How much longer must I honestly wait before I can look at her perfect little face & change her tiny little butt that's been poking out at everyone throughout these past couple months? I'm miserable because I feel like I've gone through all this pain & all this stress for nothing... Even though I know my daughter will be well worth the wait. I'm just struggling to be grateful for the gift that I haven't received yet. Maybe that's selfish of me, but I've waited do long & been through so much that to wait any longer is absolute TORTURE.

I honestly didn't think I'd make it to my due date, let alone past it. I am now officially 40 weeks & 2 days. Ivy should have made an appearance by now, but being her Father's daughter, I can honestly say that I'm not surprised she's late. He likes to show up when you least expect him to, & I guess that's what we're in for with Miss Ivy Rose. It won't be until we throw our hands in the air & give up on her ever arriving that she'll decide to grace us with her presence. It's just so unfair! We're both really struggling with the way my body has responded to this pregnancy over the past few weeks & I've reached the point where I'm just waiting on a miracle from the almighty, because my body isn't doing anything. Quite literally, NOTHING is happening. I haven't had ANY discharge whatsoever up until tonight, I haven't had any consistent contractions or cramping, & I still haven't lost my mucus plug. I'm starting to feel just a little discouraged... I'm fairly sure that she would stay in there forever if she could. I just don't know how much more I can take. It's so close to Christmas that if I wait too much longer, I may just end up with a Christmas Eve baby. Although that'd be the perfect gift, I think it's unfair to give birth on a Holiday because then it's almost as if their birthday is less important. Not to mention it makes it a little difficult to celebrate with friends in the future, (unless of course it's New Years). I just hope I'm not spending this Christmas in the hospital. Although that might seem selfish of me, it means a great deal to me to be there for my family this year & if I am unable to do that because I'm still recovering, it's going to be really hard on me. I realize I have priorities as a Mother now, but my family is still one of my greatest concerns & I don't want to let my sisters down again. As much as I love them, they won't take it lightly.

I guess I am at an impasse. Hopefully our baby girl rears her pretty little head in the next couple days or I am going to be one grumpy Momma this Holiday season! Wish me luck!

Goodbye Holidays... Hello Motherhood!

This is just ridiculous... I called the hospital today, only to be told that regardless of how uncomfortable I am, they will NOT induce me before 41 weeks. That's this coming Saturday, & for those of you who can't do math; that means I won't be getting out of the hospital until Christmas Eve at the earliest. There goes spending Christmas with my family.

If I'm not induced on the 22nd, I run the risk of going into labor over Christmas & if I'm all the way out in Eagle Mountain with my family, I'll be about an hour away from the hospital. Can you imagine my Parents having to drive me an hour away on Christmas Day, leaving my siblings on their own? That'd be unfair to them, & it'd be absolutely miserable for me. I'll have a hard enough time enjoying the Holidays if I'm barely out of the hospital. I have absolutely NO intention of spending my Christmas Holiday IN the hospital! I'm miserable enough as it is....

If anyone has any suggestions, please share them with me. I'm desperate. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, & I owe it to my siblings to be there for them this year. I realize I have my priorities as a Mum, but my family's happiness is still one of my biggest concerns & my sisters & my brother deserve to have a big sister they can count on. If any of you have ANY suggestions to help speed things up, I'd appreciate it. You can comment below. Thank you!

What is Love?

Some things that many have a tendency to forget about the topic of love:

You can't hurry love. You can't slow it down or stop it either.

It may be better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all, but it's even better to live to tell about it.

If you love someone, set them free. Or at least give them a sick day every now & again.

Love means never having to say you're sorry, but saying it anyway.

Love conquers all. Surrender! Resistance is futile!

Follow your heart & you'll never be lost. Though you may get better mileage if you figure out where you're going in the first place.

The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Give Me Something to Believe

Its official. I couldn't possibly be more miserable than I am right now. Last night was awful, this morning went by far too slow, & I'm absolutely dreading this afternoon. I'm dreading facing Shaun after everything that was said last night... I'm afraid that it'll result in another fight or that we're just going to come home in an awkward silence & it'll last until I go into labor. This stress is killing me. This misery is killing me. I want to be happy again dammit, & I'm just becoming more & more miserable the more we fall apart. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much, because it'd be easier to turn him away... But I don't want to give up on us just yet. I want to believe that we can be happy together, & that we can make things work. Maybe I just have too much faith. Maybe it's time to stop believing, because I've run out of reasons to believe in anything anymore.

Even more Instagram

A few shots from this past week of my sister in the ER, (poor thing. She's such a trooper!), my daughter's adorable older brother Jaxen, my mini Nativity, my new step brother & some early Christmas presents. Enjoy!

Fight for Us

Today has been absolutely fucking miserable... & I mean unbearable. At first it wasn't so bad. I actually had some time to get the bedroom cleaned a bit more for Ivy & get some laundry done, but then everything kind of took a turn for the worse when Shaun came home. I don't know why, but something really got to him today & it was as if I was the one to blame because he turned on me in the blink of an eye. I never even saw it coming... After two & a half weeks of watching him go above & beyond the call of duty to make things right between us & find work so he can help me support our daughter, I was definitely NOT expecting such a horrible outburst. I don't even know what I did that set him off, but his anger just built up faster & faster & by the time I could even come to terms with what was happening, everything had blown out of proportion & I was sitting in my smoking spot, holding back tears & texting him, telling him to end things if this was what we were in for as a family. Like I said, fucking miserable. Don't you agree?

I don't think I'll ever understand why I make him so angry, but it hurts to watch him look at me with the same cold, bitter disgust that I've seen him direct towards Sydney so many times before. It makes me feel worthless. Hell, I feel even lower than that right now... If that's even possible. He did apologize, but at this point in time I'm wondering if it'll be enough. I was never enough to begin with, so is an apology really going to be all it takes for things to be okay between us again? I don't think so. I wish that was the case, but I can't stand the thought of being mistreated again. I'm not Sydney, & I don't deserve to be treated like I am. Regardless of what I may have said or done to upset him. I do love him, but I love Ivy more & I won't put her through this. If our family really means anything to him, he'll put an end to this bullshit before it affects me further & before it has the chance to affect our baby girl. If he can't do that, he's going to have to be prepared to pack his bags & go back to the only one who will tolerate being treated like dirt, but will only ever give him the same treatment. I don't want that for him, & regardless of how badly he could treat me, I never will. I just hope that when it comes down to it, he'll fight for us. We deserve that much.

Miss Monroe - a Sweet Little Tragedy

I can't lie, Marilyn Monroe has been catching my eye a LOT lately. Maybe it's just the sexual appeal, or maybe it's just my attraction to beautiful tragedies, but Miss Monroe has captured my heart & my attention this week. I hope you can appreciate the classic glamour this woman portrays in the same way that I do!

The Fear

I wish that I didn't have to wake every day with this constant fear that I'll never be good enough. Regardless of how many time he's assured me that I am, the past comes back to remind me that I wasn't in the beginning, so why should things be any different now? I wish I could meet my own standards, but I can't even do that. I'm a mess. A pitiful, lonely, insecure mess who has lost sight of herself once again. I know who I am, & I know what I have to do to protect myself & my daughter, but I don't feel like me... I feel like a stranger. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore & it scares me.

Maybe once Ivy gets here, I'll stop focusing on my petty desires & start focusing on what really matters; being someone that she can truly rely on. Really, that should be my main priority. I don't know why I feel like I'm slipping up again... But it scares me. I can't afford to make any more stupid, selfish decisions with a baby involved. She's entirely dependent on ME & me alone. I have to be in control. I'm just so vulnerable right now that everything is affecting me in one way or another, & as far as I can tell it isn't for the best. Somebody help me break away from this, because I'm scared. I just don't want to be this person anymore.

Different Paths

Being a Mum, it never hurts to be prepared - & boy am I ever! I've got plenty of diapers, wipes, baby lotion, enough blankets to keep all of Russia warm this winter, PLENTY of onesies, & God only knows how many play mats, books, toys & other luxuries our baby girl will be showered in once she arrives. I don't even own a quarter of the amount of things that she does! And I dread to think how much more we'll be drowning in once Christmas hits! But how much is too much? I realize that this is a brand new baby, & as my first, (& only!) she has every right to be spoiled rotten, but when does spoiling your baby become overly excessive? I want only the best for her, & granted, I have gotten rid of over half of the clothes I've acquired for her over the past few months.... But I honestly believe that a child can never have too many books or toys. I loved learning at a very young age, & being spoiled by my parents helped me to excel in the educational department. I was the top of my class, in EVERY class, in every school I ever attended. I intend to shower Ivy with just as much attention so that she can (hopefully) benefit from it in a lot of the same ways I did.

At the moment, I'm still waiting on her arrival. It's been an agonizing few weeks, & I know it isn't about to get any less painful quite yet but at least I do know that all the pain will be worth it. I'll be rewarded with a beautiful baby girl, & I'll finally have a family of my own. I couldn't ask for more than that. Hell, even though life has taken a lot of turns for the worse lately, at least I know a lot of good things are coming together. I'll have my ITIN soon & I'll be able to get my drivers license, my OWN bank account, I'll finally be on my Dad's insurance & I can get my toe taken care of so I can wear normal shoes again! Not to mention, I'll be starting the process of getting my Green card so I can not only live here legally, but I can work & qualify for the same benefits as everyone else! I can FINALLY start living my life & relying on myself financially, which is more than I could have ever dreamed of when I left home three years ago.

Now I'm almost nineteen, & I've grown so much... I've learned more than I ever would have if I would have stayed & married Mark when I was sixteen, or if I would have just gone back to England to live with my Grandparents. Granted, I wouldn't be a bad person, & I probably would have led a good life either way, but I wouldn't be who I am today & I wouldn't have this incredible family supporting me or a beautiful daughter to look forward to meeting. It wouldn't be the same, & I wouldn't trade this for anything.

The End is Near!

Well, it's 12/12/12 & so far... I'm not sure I've seen or heard a single zombie or watched any extreme natural disasters take place. I mean, you never know. They could just be holding off until the 21st but they're going to have to hold off just a little longer. Maybe a few hundred years? I'm about to have a baby - I don't know if I'm ready for the end of the world just yet! What are your views on the end of the world? Do you think it'll be cause by the Government? Natural disasters? What about some kind of epidemic? I want to know!

It's Not an Obsession...

I couldn't help it! It's the nerd in me... I am SUCH a Daddy's girl!

Blessed

I can't believe how quickly our little Ivy's due date is creeping up on us... Can you believe it's THIS Saturday?! Maybe this is a little TMI for you all, but for you Mum's out there reading this - I'm sure you've heard MUCH worse. This Friday is (hopefully) my last prenatal at that God awful clinic in South Salt Lake & if I'm dilated enough, the midwife said that she would strip my membranes to see if it would speed things up a bit. Yes, I realize that it's a bit of an awkward process but considering the fact I'm having a baby, I've come to terms with the fact I'm going to be stripped of my dignity (and my membranes) in more ways than one.

Unfortunately I haven't had any consistent contractions whatsoever, or even a slight pattern to them. It's been incredibly disappointing. I realize that as this is my first it's bound to be a highly unpredictable pregnancy, but still. Some consistency wouldn't hurt! Well, it would but at this point in time - pain equals progress! That's all that matters to me anymore. I'm tired of sitting around, waiting for something to happen. I NEED RESULTS DAMMIT!!! But at least I can look forward to a meeting with my mentor this Friday before my lousy prenatal visit. I do love my Nicole :) she always spoils me with Starbucks. Now THAT is a good friend right there! Not to mention I have Christmas gifts from HOH* to look forward to. Mostly because I may not make it to the Girls night next week before I go into labor, but I guess we'll see!

Thankfully me, Shaun & Grandma got to get out & spend some time together tonight as well. I think we all desperately needed it, & it was fun cape hunting for my little brother who has a newfound obsession with Superman. We actually managed to find him the cutest little outfits that I know he'll just love. I will post pictures when he gets the chance to try them on - if you can wait until the 25th that is! I really do love both my families... Grandma, Tami, Tristan, Shaun & Jax, & then of course, my siblings & my parents. I couldn't ask for more incredible people in my life, & having HOH behind me as well? I am so SO blessed. I really am one of the luckiest girls in the world. Times might be rough right now, but I know that with hard work, dedication & perseverance, we'll make it through. I honestly believe that with all my heart.

*For those of you who don't know what HOH is - although I've explained many times before! It is a organization that is dedicated to helping polygamists transition out of polygamy and/or maintain some sort of self reliance & stability in their lives as well as learn to function in today's society. No I am NOT a polygamist. I am a plig kid. There is a difference. I do not condone the polygamist lifestyle but I won't tolerate any negative comments either so if you have anything to say... Don't. I love my family regardless of their beliefs & I will NOT tolerate any negativity towards them on my blog or elsewhere. Thank you :)

Who I Am

If it isn't the ending that matters, but the story itself... I figure I may as well make it a good one. My life has had it's ups & downs, it's successes & it's failures, it's heartbreak & it's fair share of overwhelming happiness, but everything I've been through & everyone I've encountered in my life has contributed to who I am today & who I will become. I have no regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes & allowed them to help me grow. Now I can take on this new chapter in my life with confidence, knowing I'm finally at peace with who I am.

Some of the Keys to Success

"Success is believing in yourself, then convincing everyone else that you're right."

Define your own success.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

Best well the burden of success.

You can never be too rich.

Be generous of spirit.

Be humble.

Be real.

Know your core values.

Childhood Memories

Just thought I'd share a collage of some photos my cousin Amy found of me as a toddler living in England. Can you believe how blonde I was?!

Independence

I can't believe that Christmas is coming up on us so quickly now! It's a little overwhelming to be honest, because I still haven't booked any photo shoots to pay for my siblings gifts & I could have Ivy anytime now. I would really love to be able to be the big sister who spoils her siblings every time she visits & has a great relationship with all of them, but considering my past... I'm not sure that will ever be a possibility. Hannah will always have this hatred towards me for leaving & she will always be waiting for me to disappoint her. That's the last thing I want to do, but when she pushes me away I have very few options. If I push to be there, she hits me with everything she's got & if I don't push hard enough, I "just don't care". I can't win.

Maybe things will change once Ivy gets here. Maybe my sisters can forgive me so I can be there for them & make up for the mistakes I've made in the past. Maybe Shaun will make enough drastic changes that he can start to make things right with the people he's burned... & maybe, just maybe things will start looking up. Now that I have my passport, I can send off for my ITIN so I can get my drivers license & my own bank account. Once I have that, we can focus on getting my Green card so I can really start living & I can provide for my daughter just as much as her Father. I'm tired of being dependent on others for survival. I want to live. I want to be able to take care of myself & my family instead of waiting on somebody else to do it for me. Once I have the tools to do that, nothing can hold me back from being the very best I can be. I want to be happy, & I won't settle for anything less.

Sad, but True

A New Chapter

I'm not going to lie... These past few weeks have been HELL. Watching my family fall apart, spending Thanksgiving weekend doped up & in a neck brace, Shaun walking back into my life & totally surprising me, my step brother spending almost a week in the hospital, & now last night my sister was in the ER. I can't keep up with all of this chaos!

I know ultimately I'll be stronger for it. I just wish that I didn't have to see the people I love hurt so much. I feel so helpless here, & although my priority should be myself & Ivy, it's hard to focus when everyone else around me is falling to pieces. That's my FAMILY. I should be able to be there to support them & help them through this. I can't stand sitting on the sidelines while I wait for my daughter to be born, just so I know where I stand & what I'm capable of doing. It's probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I just started getting close to my family again... I don't want to lose that bond. I've been struggling to gain it back for years, & I am not willing to give it up. Regardless of how difficult thing get. Regardless of how much I have to juggle. That is my family & they are a priority in my book.

I just hope things start to look up sooner rather than later. It's not long until Christmas & the kids need something to look forward to. I'm doing everything I can to find work so I can help them have a memorable Holiday instead of a disappointment, because this is the year our family fell apart... But we aren't falling apart. We're simply branching out in a different direction. We're beginning a new chapter of our lives & as painful as it is, maybe... Just maybe, it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened to us. It's almost impossible to imagine that, but it's all I have to hold on to. That & maybe Ivy will be what makes everybody that much stronger. She's been my saving grace. Maybe she can do the same for the people I love. I guess only time will tell, but I'm praying that this new life is going to be a good life. I can't afford anymore disappointment.

Kayla & Bryce

This is without a doubt, one of THE cutest, sweetest, most genuine couples I have EVER met. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so comfortable with their significant other, or so happy! I loved editing these. My Mum did an excellent job taking them! I couldn't have chosen a better business partner! I'm looking forward to capturing their wedding on the fifth & sharing it with all of you!

A Different Lifetime Ago

Sometimes I'll look at these photos & wonder who the Hell I'm looking at. It doesn't feel like it could be me... The memory is there but there isn't any emotion attached. It's just empty images of the person I used to be. Granted, I will always be bisexual. That doesn't have to affect my role as a Mother or a daughter or a sister.

Restless Nights

It shouldn't be long now... I'm hardly sleeping. I'm uncomfortable & moody. My belly has dropped to the point that it rests on my legs when I sit down & I can't help but slouch from the weight of it all. Yup. She's coming.

Even Grandma's dogs can sense something is up. They'll nudge my belly with their noses or they'll stand close to me whenever I'm around them. It's a little strange to think that dogs are so instinctive about things like this, but it's sort of reassuring, knowing that I'm in good hands (or in this case, paws!). I just wish that this process was a little less unbearable. I'm so tired of being tired when I've hardly done anything at all. I would rather be tired because I've been up taking care of my daughter than be tired because she isn't here yet. It seems absolutely ridiculous, & I think everyone is starting to get a little antsy waiting for me to go into labor... With my Mum moving this weekend & Uncle T's bowling, Shaun's new job, then all this drama with Jax on top of that... It's no wonder everyone is on edge. I just wish we could schedule the delivery to make things a little easier on us all. Hell, if we get to next week with no progress, they'll strip my membranes & if we get to 41 weeks with no progress, I'll be induced. So in a way we would be scheduling it... Sort of.

I just hope she gets here before I drop dead from pointless exhaustion or heartburn. I am tired of this extreme discomfort. My emotions are off the chart, & I'm starting to forget what it feels like to function like a proper human being. You know, being able to put my own socks on & being able to sleep on my back... The stuff most everybody takes for granted. I would practically KILL to be able to sleep on my back again. Nothing has ever sounded so blissfully relaxing in my entire life. I look forward to the day when I can do it without cutting off both mine & Ivy's oxygen supply. Until then, I guess I'm stuck with a sore neck, heartburn from Hell, a severely damaged back & a bag of bowling balls for a belly. Go me!

I think one of the things I am most excited for is wearing normal clothes again... You know, jeans without the spandex, form fitting shirts, or just about anything that is somewhat flattering. I miss feeling like I look good, or being excited about a night out because I can dress up. It's been far too long, & just as soon as I get into the flow of things, I'm going to ensure that my appearance isn't neglected anymore. I need to feel good about myself in order to feel good at all, & after nine miserable months I want to use this opportunity to get in shape & get the body I've always wanted. Luckily I will have one Hell of a trainer, so I will be sure to share some of her secrets with you when I start that up. In the meantime, I do need to try to get some rest. It's almost 2:40 & I haven't slept much in weeks. Sleep is crucial at this point, so wish me luck!

Getting Closer...

Not too much longer until Ivy arrives! At my prenatal today, they told me that I'm one centimeter dilated, 50% effaced. I'm not ENTIRELY sure what that means, but it's a sign that things are moving along!

She Deserves the Best

Although this past year has probably been the most trying time of my life, it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown. How much I have truly learned from my own mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others. I've made so many changes for the greater good. Even though I occasionally slip up, I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off, & take it with a grain of salt. I'm not a little girl anymore... I'm a woman, & I'm about to become a Mother. Nothing has ever motivated me to make so many changes, but I'm a much stronger person because I've learned to sacrifice what I thought mattered for someone that really does. My daughter.

Ivy is without a doubt, the greatest blessing I ever have & ever will receive. She has been the guiding light that has led me out of the darkness & into a whole new world that I never would have dreamed possible. She's given me hope when all hope seemed lost, & she's given me the courage to fight when the whole world seemed to crash & burn around me. She even brought me closer to my family, which is more than I ever could have asked for. I sincerely hope with all my heart that she can do the same for her Father. If there was ever a time he needed purpose & direction in his life, it's right here, right now.

Shaun has already made so many changes... More than I could have hoped for. At the end of the day, there will always be that longing for something more. Something he's been looking for in all the wrong places. I hope that Ivy will be the one that helps him find himself, because he's been running for far too long. He has do much to live for if he would only slow down long enough to see it. I've been lucky enough to share in some of the most incredible parts of his life, & I would hate to see him give it all up again for something completely meaningless. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that boy if only he would fight to earn it.

Maybe this time around he really will change. Maybe Ivy & I will finally mean enough to him to stay faithful, honest & hardworking. I can't hold my breath, because now more than ever I have to be strong for our daughter. I can't allow myself to hurt that much ever again. It doesn't mean I don't love him, because he knows that I do & that I always will. I just love Ivy more. She is entirely dependent on me as her Mum & I will NOT let her down. I will give everything I have to ensure that little girl'd safety, stability, & happiness. She is far too precious for me to give any less.

The Reason

Sometimes it's hard to believe that life could ever really get much worse... But once in a while, there are those days that every little thing goes your way & you can't help but wonder if things could possibly get much better. Today, (well I suppose it was yesterday now) was one of those good days. There wasn't really anything absolutely incredible about it, but it was one of those days that you just take on without stress, without worry, & without any regard for tomorrow. All you're thinking is here & now, you & me, & taking the day minute by minute, hour by hour, until you completely forget about yesterday & everything that has been nagging at your mind the past little while. You just let go...

Going to the humane society & seeing all the animals was probably one of the highlights of my day in all honesty. It's been a while since I've really been able to appreciate the little things, & all those kittens just melted my heart. If I could have taken them all home, I would have. Seeing all those animals who's lives are in the hands of others really made me realize the amount of control I have over the quality of my own life. That's something I couldn't be more grateful for... And now, I know where I'll be going to invest in a little friend for my baby girl once she's a little older!

I think the other highlight of my day was seeing Shaun get so pumped over entering to win the Anberlin concert tickets, & then us actually winning them! I wasn't expecting that in the slightest, but it just goes to show that it doesn't always hurt to hope. Sometimes our hopes can become a reality. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant, they can lift our spirits & change our entire outlook on life in a single moment. Just winning those tickets put a smile on his face the rest of the night & gave him the much needed motivation to finish filling out all of the job applications we picked up the day before yesterday - thank GOD! Now it FINALLY is starting to feel like we're making progress. Yeah, it's still hard to open up & trust him again after everything he did... But he is trying. He's really handled things with his Dad well so far, & watching him make the decision to do the right thing & give Nacho's phone back may only have been a small step, but it was a step in the right direction & that's what really counts.

His determination has been encouraging. I just hope that he continues to keep it up, for Grandma's sake. Nobody loves Shaun more than her, & nobody wants to see him succeed as badly. She would give anything for him to be happy & to go somewhere in life, & to see him not only coming to terms with the truth about a lot of things he had denied in the past, but to see him working hard to find work & show consistency for Jax & Ivy's sake is a huge comfort to her. I know how much it's hurt her to see him falling further & further away from everyone & everything he's ever truly loved, but to see him pick himself up & try without even the slightest push from any of us... That's something to be truly grateful for. I just hope he can keep it up, because life has never favored him more than it does right now. He has the chance to be there for his son, to make things right with his Mum & his Grandma, & to have a family again & a home where he'll always be loved for him. Not for the person he's been hiding behind. THAT is more than I think even he could ever ask for.

I just pray that he can be strong enough to continue to make good decisions & fight for the people that really do matter... Because if he blows it again, he's got so much further to fall, & so much more to lose. Only thing is... This time, there won't be any way to gain any of it back. If that isn't reason enough to change, I don't know what is.