Keeps Getting Better

I never thought it would feel this good to be happy again. That might be a bit of an oxymoron, but I guess when you've been miserable for so long, you become addicted to that misery... So in a way, I guess that it starts to feel good. Its not until you realize what it is that truly makes you happy that you begin to REALLY feel good again. Its hard to be happy when you have to second guess everything, but when you stop being dependent on somebody else to bring you that happiness, you begin to realize that you were never really happy in the first place. Maybe that was my fault. Maybe I should have been focusing on what it was that made me feel good rather than waiting for somebody else to make me feel that way. I made it impossible to be happy, & I've been kicking myself for it... Well... Up until this point anyway. I can't punish myself forever, & I have no intention of doing so. I'm moving on, & honestly I have never felt better.

I guess I wasn't expecting anyone to force me to come to terms with my past & make me realize that I was the main source of my unhappiness. I wasn't expecting anyone to forgive me for my past either... In my eyes, a lot of things I did were unforgivable & I figured that the people I had hurt would be better off if I left them alone. I didn't realize that they felt so differently. I didn't realize that somebody could care so much about me that they could forgive me over & over again, regardless of how many times I had wronged them. Maybe that makes them an idiot, but I have no intention of ever going back to the person I was. I am a product of my past, but I will NOT be a prisoner of it. I'm making changes to emotive the quality of my life, & hopefully I can somewhat redeem myself for the mistakes I have made. At least in the eyes of those who matter most to me.

I wasn't expecting to find somebody either... Somebody I would never have believed could forgive me. I hurt them more than I could have possibly hurt anyone else, & I've never stopped regretting it. I did things that I'm not proud of, but to be given another chance after throwing away countless chances is worth more to me than he will ever know. I'm determined to prove to him that I am worthy of this chance, & that even after everything I've done... I have changed & will only continue to make changes for the better. He understand that every change I make is for my daughter's well being & that she will always come first, & that is what I need. I have no room in my life for those who can't accept that she is & always will be my number one priority.

Once we are back in Salt Lake County, things will be a lot easier on the both of us. I'll be able to rely on myself to take care of me & Ivy, I'll be closer to my friends (which I hardly saw when I was out there, but its still nice to know they're within walking distance), I'll be within walking distance of stores, which had probably be one of the worst things about living out here in BFE... & most importantly, we'll be closer to Grandma, which is probably what I'm looking forward to most... I've missed her like crazy since we had to move out here, & it will be so nice to be able to go visit her more often than once every few weeks. Its always been hard living a world away from my Nana & Granddad & over the past six to eight months, Grandma has become family. She's one of the most important people in my life & I don't know how I would have gotten through the end of my pregnancy without her.

I honestly can't believe how much better my life has gotten over the lady few weeks. I'm hopping it will continue to get better but even when things do get difficult, I just have to keep reminding myself that only I can determine the quality of my life... So no matter what, I'm going to make it a good one.