Early Morning Blues

Once again, I can't sleep & it has absolutely nothing to do with Ivy... There's so much on my mind that I'm not really sure what to make if any of it. All I know is that right now, I'm fucking miserable. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but its hard to lie to myself anymore. Especially when the truth is starting me straight in the face.

The truth is, I'm still not happy with my life. I want more for Ivy than this, & although its only a matter of time until I can give that to her, I know that if I was still living at Grandma's I would be a lot happier. I miss her, I miss Jax making me laugh every day. I miss feeling at home. I love my family, but I don't connect with any of them anymore. Something has changed in me I guess, & I must be the only one who can't see it because I don't know how to fix it. When I lived with Grandma, it was the first time since we moved to the states that I felt like I had a real home. Since I've moved out here, I've never been more miserable in my environment. I can't even stand walking out to get the mail, because it only reminds me that I'm not where I want to be. I'm not happy here, & I'm doing everything in my power to see to it that Ivy & I aren't living here much longer. My Mum might be happy here, but I will never be. The sooner I get my drivers license & start working, the better.

I never thought that I came from a broken family until recently. I think that's another thing that has been getting to me... Over the past couple months, I've started to remember a lot of things that I'd rather not. Fights my parents had, things that were said in front of me when I was little. Looking back now, I'm not sure or family has ever been okay. Hell, as much as I love them... Sometimes I wish I came from a different family. One that knew what it meant to be one rather than giving up on each other when things got hard. Family doesn't do that. At least, that's what I'm told. I wouldn't really know, other than what I've seen from Grandma. After all these years... After all the times she's been wronged, she still believes that somebody can change if they want it badly enough & has been willing to give them that chance over & over again, even when she's been hurt. Yes, she's learned to keep her distance over time, but she will always be there when you need her. Hell, she's the only person I feel that I can really talk to anymore. I just wish that I could see her more often. One day a week isn't enough, & I haven't even managed that much.

In all honesty, I just want my life to start heading in a different direction. A more positive one. I want to be the Mother that Ivy deserves, & I feel like everything that has taken place since she was born had changed me in ways that I don't want & will probably never really understand. I just need to get a grip on reality & realize that I'll never have a perfect family, I'll never be at home anywhere the way I was at Grandma's, & I'll never be able to give Ivy the world... But I can strive to be the best Mother I can possibly be, I can work towards giving Ivy a place to call home, & I realize that I can't give her the world, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.