Don't Blink

This made me laugh pretty hard, so I had to share. Anyone with kids or that has grown up around kids will know exactly what thus is like!

My Boys

It was so good to catch up with David tonight! I can't believe it had been two years since the last time I saw him. TWO YEARS without seeing my best friend. That kid stood up for me when I was being bullied & helped me through some of my darkest times... I've really struggled to get through my depression without him, but somehow I did it. I just had to keep reminding myself that one day, something or someone would make it worth it. I've found plenty of things that have made all those dark days worth it, & Ivy is honestly the most important one. She made everything worth it.

Catching up with David & Jason, it was almost like nothing had changed. David is still such an incredibly positive person, even after everything he's been through. Jason us still such a good kid, & he still manages to make me laugh over our embarrassing history together..  Hell, we did some pretty stupid things but looking back at it all now, it seems somewhat innocent compared to things we have done since. At least we have plenty to laugh about though, & at least we've learned from our mistakes. We are all grown up now, but we are still close as ever. Those boys will always be my best friends, & I can't imagine life without them.

I Can't See It

Everyone keeps saying that Ivy is starting to look more like me. Honestly, I see a little bit of everyone in her, but her personality is still so much like her Dad's, its unreal. I can see a lot of Grandma in her too. She's stubborn & cheeky & so fiesty that I'm almost dreading the terrible twos... But she's my everything, & I love every quirky trait that came with her.

Keeps Getting Better

I never thought it would feel this good to be happy again. That might be a bit of an oxymoron, but I guess when you've been miserable for so long, you become addicted to that misery... So in a way, I guess that it starts to feel good. Its not until you realize what it is that truly makes you happy that you begin to REALLY feel good again. Its hard to be happy when you have to second guess everything, but when you stop being dependent on somebody else to bring you that happiness, you begin to realize that you were never really happy in the first place. Maybe that was my fault. Maybe I should have been focusing on what it was that made me feel good rather than waiting for somebody else to make me feel that way. I made it impossible to be happy, & I've been kicking myself for it... Well... Up until this point anyway. I can't punish myself forever, & I have no intention of doing so. I'm moving on, & honestly I have never felt better.

I guess I wasn't expecting anyone to force me to come to terms with my past & make me realize that I was the main source of my unhappiness. I wasn't expecting anyone to forgive me for my past either... In my eyes, a lot of things I did were unforgivable & I figured that the people I had hurt would be better off if I left them alone. I didn't realize that they felt so differently. I didn't realize that somebody could care so much about me that they could forgive me over & over again, regardless of how many times I had wronged them. Maybe that makes them an idiot, but I have no intention of ever going back to the person I was. I am a product of my past, but I will NOT be a prisoner of it. I'm making changes to emotive the quality of my life, & hopefully I can somewhat redeem myself for the mistakes I have made. At least in the eyes of those who matter most to me.

I wasn't expecting to find somebody either... Somebody I would never have believed could forgive me. I hurt them more than I could have possibly hurt anyone else, & I've never stopped regretting it. I did things that I'm not proud of, but to be given another chance after throwing away countless chances is worth more to me than he will ever know. I'm determined to prove to him that I am worthy of this chance, & that even after everything I've done... I have changed & will only continue to make changes for the better. He understand that every change I make is for my daughter's well being & that she will always come first, & that is what I need. I have no room in my life for those who can't accept that she is & always will be my number one priority.

Once we are back in Salt Lake County, things will be a lot easier on the both of us. I'll be able to rely on myself to take care of me & Ivy, I'll be closer to my friends (which I hardly saw when I was out there, but its still nice to know they're within walking distance), I'll be within walking distance of stores, which had probably be one of the worst things about living out here in BFE... & most importantly, we'll be closer to Grandma, which is probably what I'm looking forward to most... I've missed her like crazy since we had to move out here, & it will be so nice to be able to go visit her more often than once every few weeks. Its always been hard living a world away from my Nana & Granddad & over the past six to eight months, Grandma has become family. She's one of the most important people in my life & I don't know how I would have gotten through the end of my pregnancy without her.

I honestly can't believe how much better my life has gotten over the lady few weeks. I'm hopping it will continue to get better but even when things do get difficult, I just have to keep reminding myself that only I can determine the quality of my life... So no matter what, I'm going to make it a good one.

Keeps Getting Better

I'm exhausted... But it was definitely worth it. I can't get this stupid smile off of my face! I didn't think I'd ever come close to feeling this happy again, but I'm so glad I do. It might have been stupid of me to stay up on the phone until seven this morning, but like I said... SO worth it.

Yup, It's Genetic.

I can't believe how much her head has grown... I mean, its a good thing because it means her brain is growing but it really goes to show that some shit is genetic. That, & the way she farts & then smiles in her sleep. She DEFINITELY picked up some of the best traits. Seriously though. Its pretty cute.

I Couldn't Resist...

Damn you. I guess this is payback for all the things I got you hooked on... I swore I'd never fall for another fictional character, but you kind of fucked me on that one. I gotta admit, you did look a lot like him for a while. Shame you went back to being a skinhead...

A Letter to my Rosie

Ivy Rose Bills,

I wish you understood how much I really do love you... How much you have changed me in ways I never thought possible, & how much happiness you have brought me in what could have been my darkest days. You truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I want so much for you. I want you to have a memorable childhood, a good education, a bright future. I want you to grow up in a positive environment & feel happy & confident in who you are. I wanted you to have a family, & although I couldn't give you that, it doesn't mean that I'm not going to do everything I can to be the Mother you deserve. Just because your Mummy & Daddy aren't together, it doesn't mean either of us love you any less. Your Daddy does love you very much, & I hope that you will never doubt that.

When you were in my tummy, all we could talk about was the kind of future we wanted to give you. The places we wanted to take you & the things we wanted to do with you... we wanted nothing but the best for our baby girl, & that still stands. You deserve to have an incredible life, & I will do everything I can to give that to you.

You need to understand, I'm not perfect & I don't want you to be under the impression that I am, or that I am always right... Because I'm not. I've made mistakes, & will probably make many more as you grow up, but please know that I will always try to do the right thing by you. I might not always know what that is, but I will continue to try regardless until I do get it right.

I'll never stop fighting for your happiness or your safety & well being. I'll never stop believing in you, & I will always be there to help you up when you fall or comfort you when you're hurting. I will never stop loving you either. Real love doesn't have an expiration date, & although I learned that the hard way, I promise to try to be a good example of that. I hope that you will always have faith in tomorrow. That if something means enough to you, you'll never give it up. I hope that even if you do get hurt, that you won't be afraid to come to me for help or comfort. I hope that you will be wise in your friendships & your relationships, & that you will never forget your true worth. You are priceless, & deserve to be treated as such.

Baby girl, you've got such a bright future ahead of you. You've got so many people who love you & will always be there for you. You'll never be alone, & even when you do fall, I'll never give up on you. I will be there to lift you up & encourage you to try again.

Never ever give up Ivy. No matter how many times you fall, or how many times you get hurt, don't give up on yourself. Fight for what you want, & if you love something enough, don't be afraid to go after it. I'll always be here when you need somebody... Believe me when I say that I'm not going anywhere. You are my life now, & I wouldn't have it any other way.

Early Morning Blues

Once again, I can't sleep & it has absolutely nothing to do with Ivy... There's so much on my mind that I'm not really sure what to make if any of it. All I know is that right now, I'm fucking miserable. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but its hard to lie to myself anymore. Especially when the truth is starting me straight in the face.

The truth is, I'm still not happy with my life. I want more for Ivy than this, & although its only a matter of time until I can give that to her, I know that if I was still living at Grandma's I would be a lot happier. I miss her, I miss Jax making me laugh every day. I miss feeling at home. I love my family, but I don't connect with any of them anymore. Something has changed in me I guess, & I must be the only one who can't see it because I don't know how to fix it. When I lived with Grandma, it was the first time since we moved to the states that I felt like I had a real home. Since I've moved out here, I've never been more miserable in my environment. I can't even stand walking out to get the mail, because it only reminds me that I'm not where I want to be. I'm not happy here, & I'm doing everything in my power to see to it that Ivy & I aren't living here much longer. My Mum might be happy here, but I will never be. The sooner I get my drivers license & start working, the better.

I never thought that I came from a broken family until recently. I think that's another thing that has been getting to me... Over the past couple months, I've started to remember a lot of things that I'd rather not. Fights my parents had, things that were said in front of me when I was little. Looking back now, I'm not sure or family has ever been okay. Hell, as much as I love them... Sometimes I wish I came from a different family. One that knew what it meant to be one rather than giving up on each other when things got hard. Family doesn't do that. At least, that's what I'm told. I wouldn't really know, other than what I've seen from Grandma. After all these years... After all the times she's been wronged, she still believes that somebody can change if they want it badly enough & has been willing to give them that chance over & over again, even when she's been hurt. Yes, she's learned to keep her distance over time, but she will always be there when you need her. Hell, she's the only person I feel that I can really talk to anymore. I just wish that I could see her more often. One day a week isn't enough, & I haven't even managed that much.

In all honesty, I just want my life to start heading in a different direction. A more positive one. I want to be the Mother that Ivy deserves, & I feel like everything that has taken place since she was born had changed me in ways that I don't want & will probably never really understand. I just need to get a grip on reality & realize that I'll never have a perfect family, I'll never be at home anywhere the way I was at Grandma's, & I'll never be able to give Ivy the world... But I can strive to be the best Mother I can possibly be, I can work towards giving Ivy a place to call home, & I realize that I can't give her the world, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

Nine Weeks Later...

Nine weeks after baby, & this is the result. The stretch marks have faded quite a bit, although I'm still not too fond of them... (but my buddy says that stretch marks are beautiful, so I suppose I can live with them), & my belly is actually quite a bit smaller than it was before I got pregnant. All that Yoga & walking every day has been doing me a world of good, but I still have quite a bit of toning up to do. Otherwise, I'm pretty Hally with my body right now. I'm the healthiest weight I've ever been, I'm slimmer, & I have more energy than I ever remember having. I'm loving it!

Ladylike

I don't know what it is, but lately I've started dressing up. Something I've never really done up until this point in my life. Maybe it's the overwhelming joy of being able to wear normal sized clothes again (thank GOD!), or maybe I've just got too much time on my hands out here in the boonies, but its nice to feel confident about my appearance, & the compliments don't hurt either!

I'm Not Going to Change. I'm Going to GROW.

You never really know who you at until you lose yourself in someone else... At least, that was the case for me. I think when you're in a relationship, you try so hard to be what you think your partner wants that you forget what it was about you that they feel for in the gust place. Maybe that's why so many relationships end so quickly. Hell, maybe that's part of the reason they end so badly. You can't try to change who you are for somebody & then wonder why they themselves have changed.

Some people are made for each other, but those people are usually the ones who already know who they are & refuse to settle. The failed relationships are the ones that one individual invests too much of themselves in, which in turn causes the other person to stop investing altogether. Why should you continue to invest itself in something you didn't sign up for? If you're going to be with somebody, you want to be reassured that whatever it was that had you sold from day one isn't going to fade with time.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I either settle for less than I deserve or I lose myself in a poor attempt to be what I think they want me to be. I need to remember who I am & what exactly it was about me that made them fall for me in the first place... Its okay to grow with time, but that didn't mean that I have to change who I am. I won't do that for anyone, no matter how much I care for them. I've lost who I am so many times that I'm struggling to find myself again, & no matter what anyone says, losing yourself because you love somebody just isn't worth it. I can never be the same person I was when I met Mark, or Cameron or Shaun. There are qualities they have all brought out in me, & qualities I lost because I wanted to be what they wanted. I forgot that if I wasn't what they wanted, they wouldn't have been with me in the first place. Now at least I recognize that, & I'm determined to find myself again... But not for them, or any other man. I want to find myself for me. I want to be proud of who I am. I'm not settling, & I'm not changing for anybody.

I Will Wait

I found something I wrote quite a while back about somebody very close to me. Well, at least we were close. I'm not the only one who's been burned in the past year. I made a lot of mistakes, & I hurt one of my best friends... I can't change the past, & its one of my biggest regrets so far... but its things like this that make me realize that if I could care this much about somebody, maybe one day somebody could care this much for me. That's something worth waiting for, cause I'll take waiting over settling any day.

Bordering on Another Chapter

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

I love knowing that every day I wake up is the universe giving me another chance to do things right this time around. In life, we're given chances we don't deserve & its up to us to make the most of it or fuck up all over again. I don't want my life to be wasted. I'm still young. I might be a Mother, but that didn't mean that my life is over! It's just a new beginning. Just me & my baby girl, taking on the world one day at a time.

Harmless

My "serial killer" photo. The things that happen when you combine boredom & Instagram... The results are fucking creepy. If you didn't know me, you'd probably be running for the hills after seeing this!

Christmas in February

Since I spent my Holidays in the E.R. & on bed rest, I decided to play dress up with baby girl in her little Mrs. Clause outfit. She looked so damn precious, I had to take pictures. I know its February, but Christmas was hard for me last year & I would rather forget about everything that happened & make new memories with the people I love, & the ones who love me back.

Taking a Stand

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

I have no intention of breaking down, blowing up, or acting on my emotions irrationally ever again. I know I can't guarantee that I won't slip up, but from now on I'm going to work my ass off to be a mother Ivy can be proud of. I'll never be able to please everyone, because there will always be different opinions on what is best for my daughter... But I'm going to take those opinions into account & then act on what I truly believe is best.

I'm tired of letting painful memories determine how I feel now. My past is my past, & I intend to leave it where it belongs & move forward. I know that one in a while, something will come back to haunt me & try to change my life in a negative aspect, but I am strong & I will NOT let Ivy down. I'm going to look in the mirror without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I am doing the right thing by her. Not by me, or by anyone else.

I can't change what happened in the hospital, & I can't change how I reacted to it. Honestly, all is forgiven. I can't forget, but I can't hold onto that pain & that anger forever. I promised myself that I would never raise Ivy with any hatred towards her Father & his family, & I intend to stand by that. Sometimes I wish things could have been different. For Ivy's sake. But again, I can't change the past & if I was given the chance, I wouldn't. If I did, I wouldn't have learned anything. At least now, I have a pretty good idea of where I'm going in life & where I stand as a Mother & nobody can change that.

Bath Time

I love that she loves her bath time! She always looks so much like her Dad afterwards. I don't know if its the expressions she makes or the fuzzy head, but after her bath time & when she's sleeping, the resemblance is pretty obvious. She's a good combination though.. She has the best of the both of us. I can see a lot of Grandma in her too. I've honestly never seen a more perfect baby in my life. Ivy Rose Bills, you're everything to me. I love you with all of my heart.

She Comes FIRST.

Ivy has always been such a happy baby, but ever since Sunday she has been randomly crying for hours on end no matter what anyone does to try & comfort her. You can change her, feed her, burp her, sing to her, rock her or play with her & regardless of what you do, she will cry until she had no energy left & falls asleep.

I've never felt so helpless in my life! She will go through the day content as ever, then its like a switch goes off in her head & she starts crying again. I'm hoping that Dr. Boud can either find out if something is wrong today or give me some suggestions that might help calm her down. I've never felt so overwhelmed in my life, & I've never felt as horrible as I do when I have to let her cry until she falls asleep because nothing else works... & then night comes & she is out until about seven or eight in the morning.

The crying fits don't usually start until the afternoon, when my Mum wants help with cleaning, cooking, etc. I wish I could help her understand that I don't want to leave Ivy to cry. I will help her tidy the house while I'm holding her if I have to, but I'm not okay with leaving my baby alone to cry all the time. I'm not going to be one of those Mum's... Ivy is my FIRST priority, & everyone needs to understand that. Yes, I have other responsibilities but none of them come before my daughter & her well being. Whoever says otherwise has their head up their ass.

Challenge #1

This is something I need to start practicing again. It used to be something I lived by, but I guess I got so caught up in the chaotic mess we call life that I forgot the importance of it until now. I want to be a better person, & in order to do that, I need to learn to put my pride aside & be the bigger person. Today I'm going to apply this method & I will try to stick to it from now on.

Damn Gingers

Just a quick laugh to start your day on a positive note.

Its in Our Blood

I don't know what it is about this shot, but I can't take my eyes off of her! She's seriously so stunning. I'm so lucky to have such a good looking family.

Nom Nom Nom!

She loves munching on her hands. Especially when she has mittens on! Its either that or her Steelers binky. She won't use any other ones! I've tried.

Before the Change

I'm about to do something that will dramatically change the way I look. I'm super excited about it, but this is how I look now... & in about a week, you'll see part of the big change I'm making. I'm so excited!!!

Incredible

It seems like every day, I get a little happier & life gets a whole lot better. I think it's because I'm learning to ignore all of the outside bullshit that's been nagging at me for so long & I'm not trying to please anyone anymore or live up to anyone elses expectations but my own. I've set my own standards, & I'm standing by them. I determine the quality of my life & I have every right to be happy, regardless of the situations I'm forced to deal with. There are things I can't change, & I am finally learning to accept that.

I can't change people & I don't want to try to. I can't change the time it'll take to become independent, but I can make the most of that time & learn to drive, get my GED, & spend every moment of every day with my baby girl. Not very many single parents are that lucky. I can't change my family or my friends, but I can accept their flaws, encouragw them in the areas they want to change & love them regardless of the mistakes they have made. I don't have to tolerate being mistreated or any behavior that could have a negative impact on me & Ivy, but that doesn't mean I can't still love them. Sometimes love means distancing yourself from the ones that matter most. Especially when there's a child involved.

I'm lucky enough to have some incredible friends, a loving, encouraging family, a roof over my head & a beautiful baby girl who never ceases to make me smile. She is my greatest blessing & because of her, my life is absolutely incredible.

Nothing Less than Best

Every time somebody tells me that I'll find somebody else, I want to smack them. Are you kidding me? Do I look like I'm on the prowl for some poor guy to take me & Ivy on? Well take a good look. I could care less about finding a man. This is time for me to be a Mum & focus on the relationships I already have with my friends & family. I don't need a man to make me happy, & Ivy certainly doesn't need somebody pretending to be something they're not. Ivy will no doubt grow up wanting to know her Dad, & I'm not going to hold her back from that. What happened between me & him is I'm the past, & that's exactly where I want to leave it.

I guess it's a little hard, because nobody wants to feel like they're on their own. I miss feeling wanted, but not enough to distract from the goals & standards I've set for myself. Up until Ivy was born, I was still living for myself. Sure, I made some changes but I didn't know what it meant to be responsible for the safety & happiness of another human being on such a dramatic scale. I want nothing more than to ensure my baby girl's well being, & I pray every day that I don't let her down. No parent is perfect, but I'd like to be the best I can possibly be. Ivy means everything to me, & I would give everything up all over again for her in a heartbeat.

It won't be long now until I have full independence & can support Ivy & myself without the help of family & friends. After all these years, I'll finally be able to lead a normal life. I'll be able to pay my own phone bill & buy Ivy new clothes & toys & drive to work & appointments without relying on my Mum or Nicole for a ride. Ivy will never have to grow up moving from place to place or wondering where the next meal is coming  from. I'm going to make sure  she has all of her needs met & that never knows what it's like to live in a car or on somebody's couch. I won't be that kind of parent. We are going to have a good life, because Ivy deserves nothing less than that.

Nuff Said

Yeah, I no longer read on the toilet... I play around with weird Japanese apps instead. What is this world coming to?

Feel Good

So I don't usually post pictures of myself, but I have to take a minute to talk about my body since baby. Honestly, I didn't think I'd feel any better about my appearance once I had Ivy. I thought I would be one of those girls that never loses that last bit of baby weight. I thought I'd still be living in baggy shirts to hide my figure, but after just four short weeks I was already back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. After six weeks, I was ten pounds lighter, & now I'm fifteen pounds lighter & I look & feel better than I ever have!

I have more energy than I ever remember having before I got pregnant, I rarely drink anything carbonated or with caffeine, & when I do its usually just coffee. I'm eating a healthy diet, I'm exercising every day, & I'm finally sleeping through the night (as is Ivy!). I'm actually happy again, but being a Mum made me happier than I ever dreamed possible.

Eight Weeks

I can't believe Ivy turned eight weeks old yesterday! Time is going by so fast... I spend every minute of every day with her, it still feels like I never have enough time. I do love watching her personality grow though. She's such a happy baby! She's always smiling at me & she tries so hard to mimic me when I talk. Her little sounds are just adorable! She's so smart, it blows my mind. She's been able to roll over for weeks now, she's already learning how to mimic expressions & sounds, & she's practically holding her bottle by herself. I never imagined that something so small could do so much.

I love how attentive she is when I talk to her. Her eyes are focused on me the entire time, & when I read to her, she's always so content to sit & listen. She picks up on things so quickly, its almost scary! I'm definitely watching my language around her, because once she starts talking, I'm in trouble. I am honestly so lucky to have such an incredibly bright, happy baby girl. I can't imagine life without her.

Amy Pond Instagram Shoot

My sister is probably the best Amy Pond lookalike I have ever seen. If you don't know who that is.. You're obviously not a Doctor Who fan. Shun... Shun the non believer! Anyway, here they are!

News Flash

Just to be clear, I don't keep a blog so that you can keep tabs on me. I write because its something I'm passionate about. I have no intention of associating myself with anyone who has lied to me, cheated on me, betrayed my trust, walked out on me, stolen from me & those I love, & I definitely have no interest in associating with those who are justifying it & turning the situation around on me. I waited for him, I believed in him, I TRUSTED HIM. He let me down. So news flash for you all, if you're going to continue to keep tabs on me, you may want to accept the reality of this situation. You were all stolen from, lied to, betrayed, & deeply hurt by your own flesh & blood. I'm not being selfish when I choose to distance myself from somebody like that. I'm doing what you all advised me to do from the beginning & sticking to my guns. That's the way its always going to be.

Instagram Shoot with Miss "Sheri"

I had some fun in Midvale after Church with my sister & Instagram. The photos actually turned out surprisingly well, so I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you all!

Things Can Get Better

Sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing after everything that life has thrown at me throughout the past few years. I've been through Hell & back more than once, & yet I still find the courage to get up, dust myself off, & keep going. I don't know what got me through all of it before I had Ivy, because without her I'd have no purpose... But something pushed me to keep fighting, because even when I was struggling on my hands & knees & life was kicking me while I was down, I still got back up & fought back. I wasn't going to let a few miserable experiences determine the quality of my life.

Lately, life has thrown some things at me that I never would have dreamed that I could make it through, but somehow I'm still standing. I've still got a smile on my face, but most importantly... I've got hope. I refuse to believe that my life its always going to be doom & gloom. I refuse to believe that I'll never find somebody who could love me the way I deserve, & love my daughter just as much. Its not something I want in my life for quite some time, but I don't have to be alone forever. I don't have to fight these battles on my own. There are much better things to come, & I'm not going to let the people I've lost hold me back from living again.

Since I've made so many drastic changes in my life, I've been lucky enough to gain a few true friends. They, along with my family have really helped me keep it together & given me plenty of encouragement & motivation to get by. Especially when things seemed to be going downhill all over again. The must support I've recieved has come from the most unlikely source, & even after the Hell that they went through because of stupid decisions I had made, somehow they still have faith in me. That means more to me than anyone will ever understand.

Now that things are finally coming together, I feel like I can give Ivy a better life. She's been showered with so much love already & she has never wanted for anything, but once I've started bringing in an income on my own I will feel like she will finally have a parent who she can count on. That's all I've ever wanted for her... Stability & security. It won't be long now & I'll be able to grant her that myself.

Second Chances

I'm so lucky to have such  incredible people in my life. I said goodbye to so many people that used to mean the world to me, & to have them forgive me & support me in the changes I've been making has made the world of difference. Thank you to all of you who gave me a second chance. Ivy & I are lucky to have you.

My Best Friend

You don't know what to live for until you know what you would die for.

Apologies

Dear friends & family,

My last post was not only out of line but extremely uncalled for & I apologize for making my emotions public. What I said was not directed to the entire family, although it seemed that way when I reread it, but was directed to one individual in particular who had never given me the time of day since day one & refuses to believe that Ivy could possibly be Shaun's daughter at all.

I know I acted irrationally by speaking out in anger & hurt, but the events that took place over Christmas really put me in a compromising position. The way me & my family were treated at the hospital was disgusting, & although we received an apology, it was not sincere, as the situation worsened just days later. I tried my best to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be, & I tried to take their advice by "sticking to my guns" & "doing what I believe is best for Ivy" & somehow, even though Shaun had proven himself countless times to be unreliable & overall, an unfit parent, somehow he was the victim.

I don't understand how I can be told by members of his own family that not only is he an unfit parent, but that he will only ever continue to lie & steal & cheat, then turn around & run when he's confronted about it or about to get caught, but yet everything they told me, they quickly dismissed the moment Ivy was born. I had no intention of taking Ivy away from her Father, or the rest of his family. I still love them with all my heart, & although I do not have feelings for Shaun anymore, I do wish that he could have had a relationship with his daughter. Instead, I was accused of "planning to take her from the beginning" & "having no intention of ever letting her see her family". Funny thing is... If I was planning to take her from Shaun since the beginning, why would I take him back every time he turned around & left me for Sydney? That would have been the prime opportunity to take her, but I didn't. I wanted to believe that he would turn around for her, & that faith in him was thrown back in my face the moment I gave birth.

Everything I had entrusted him with, he has threatened to use against me. Everything select members of his family claimed to support me in, they now hate me for following through with. I didn't deserve the treatment I received in the hospital, & that behavior alone was enough to make me fear for my daughters well being in the hands of those individuals. If I am in the wrong for trying to protect my daughter from the Father who walked out on her for money & drugs (which he fully admitted to when I confronted him) & somebody who contributed to the loss of his son, then so be it but at least I won't have to worry about him walking out on her again. In response to a message I received from my family in England, no, I do not love Shaun. I love the daughter that we created together, but I do not love him. After a while, he became a reflection of the traits he so deeply resented in others, & I do not ever want to be with somebody like that.

I didn't take Ivy from his family because I couldn't be with him. I didn't intend to take her from them at all, until their behavior towards me & my family put me in that position. No, Ivy is NOT being raised in a polygamist community, or a polygamist family. I don't know where that came from our why I've been asked about it so many times, but that couldn't be further from the truth. My parents are divorced, & we live quite a ways from any polygamist families. I believe very strongly against that particular lifestyle & would not under any circumstances expose my daughter to it.

As for how she will be raised, I have no intention to raise her with hatred or anger towards her Father our any other members of his family. I have seen to it that her needs have been well met, & that she does not want for anything. I am not a perfect Mother. Nobody is, & I am not pretending to be... But nothing means more to me than my precious baby girl & I intend to give her the best this life has to offer. We are lucky enough to have the support of some incredible people, & have recieved plenty of help & support during my pregnancy which I am more than grateful for. I wish things had happened differently, but in the end we cannot change the past. We can only live with our mistakes & do or best to learn from them to ensure a brighter future. I wish the best to Shaun & his family & thank them for the love & support I recieved in the past. It made the world of difference.

Sincerely,

Leah

P.S.
I do not have any intention of responding to any hate mail directed towards Shaun or his family, so if you have anything negative to say about them, keep it to yourself. I am simply stating my understanding of the events that have taken place, & if there have been any misunderstandings, I apologize. This blog is simply a glorified journal, based on the events in my life & how I see them. If you don't understand something or have heard differently, there are always two sides to every story, but I have no intention of entertaining any negativity from any outside sources. Thank you.

Seven Weeks <3

Can you believe how beautiful she is?

Too Soon

I've never felt so much hatred in my life as I do tonight. All I've tried to do is ensure that Ivy is not only safe & happy, but that she has the family that she deserves. In the end, nobody wanted her. Nobody really loved her, because nobody really believed that she could be a part of their family. And they're right. She can't be a part of their family, because they don't deserve her. I don't regret loving her Father, but I wish I had never gone to Wyoming. I wish I had never given him another chance, because he continued to walk out & burn up chances he didn't deserve. I will never allow myself to feel for him again. Ivy is not his daughter, because he is no Father. He never will be as far as I'm concerned. If I never see his face again, it'll be too soon. Me & Ivy have a bright future ahead of us with people that love us & I will never allow Shaun to interfere with our happiness again.