It's Always Been You

I'm scared baby... I'm afraid of losing you. I know that isn't what you want but you might not have any other choice, & it's killing me. I don't want to watch you fade away anymore. You're the only one that's ever filled the emptiness inside of me... the only one that ever will.  If I lose you, I'll be missing the most important part of me. You're the glue that's held me together for so long. My every thought & emotion is somehow wrapped around you, & I'm terrified to know what I'll become if you're gone. 

I'm praying there's another way. I know I don't believe in God, but I'm here screaming at the sky, hoping that it will make some small difference. How could everything go so wrong when everything was so perfect? We had two weeks together where we were both happy, & we were working towards a better future together, & then... everything went downhill. The way it always seems to when something's perfect. I should have remembered that nothing can remain perfect, because there is no beauty in perfection. We thrive on chaos & destruction... we always have. But why does it hurt so much this time around?

I think we're finally coming to the realization that nobody really cares whether we're happy or not, or even if we're together or not. They only really give a shit about winning. They want to succeed, & they'll do whatever it takes, & hurt whoever is in their way to ensure they get exactly what they want. In this case, if everything goes the way I'm praying it doesn't today... Syd would have won. Yeah, you'll have your baby boy but... will you be happy? Will Jax be happy growing up seeing his parents put on fake smiles around each other & pretending that they're perfectly happy together? Maybe I'm just overthinking everything, but if I know you... you're a brilliant actor. You can pretend everything's okay & nobody would suspect otherwise. You could go for years if you had to, but that doesn't mean you should have to.

You deserve to be happy. I know having Jax in your life is what you want more than anything, & if letting Sydney win is what it takes to get him back, I want you to do what you think is right. Maybe I'm being selfish right now... but I'm scared of hurting anymore. I can't numb myself like I used to, & every time I've lost you, it hurts a little more. If I lose you one more time it'll tear me apart. My reason for smiling, the reason I left such a bad lifestyle behind... the only reason I've been really truly happy, & the reason I now know what love is... will be gone. What's left after that? I might as well be hollow.

It's always been you... since the first day I met you, something changed in me. I don't want to watch it disappear like everything else that has ever mattered to me, & nothing has ever mattered to me as much as you. You made me better. Maybe not the best, but the best parts of me happened when you came along. Maybe that's wrong. I don't really care anymore. I want you to be happy more than anything, but at the same time I want to be selfish... loving you, it's hard to be. I have to put what you want & what you need first. Nothing else matters to me. Even if it means breaking down in the shower everyday or crying myself to sleep every night, as long as you have what you want & what you need, it'll be worth it. You've always been worth it... & always will.

Never Thought I'd be So Happy...

I'm Where I Need to Be

I'm so unbelievably content with my life. Not only do I have an incredible family that has my back no matter what, but I'm in love with my best friend & he loves me. I couldn't ask for more. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, & although I could complain about my lack of nicotine, why bother? I'm not going to let the amount of cancer sticks I go through in a day define the way I feel. I'm so incandescently happy... I haven't felt this way in such a long time, if ever. I might have been lost there for a while, but my baby boy helped me find my way back. Now I'm on the right track, & it feels fucking great.

Now that I know what it takes to get my life in order, I'm moving forward. Nothing can hold me back from achieving my goals & making something of myself. I want to do something with my life, but for now I'm still young. I still want to live, & experience all that I can. I want to dream as if I'll live forever & live as if today was my last day. I don't care if it means coming home at five in the morning or running out of gas in the middle of nowhere & walking ten miles to a gas station, as long as every single day is an adventure... & I know that if I spend it with Shaun, it really will be.

You Know you're in Love...

You Made it Worth it

Even though the sun still hasn't risen yet, the world has never looked brighter... or more beautiful. Yeah, I might sound a little corny but I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. I've been dwelling on the past for too long, & now that I've finally let go I feel free to do whatever my heart desires, be who I want to be, & share it all with whoever I choose to give my heart to. I'm sure anyone who knows me already knows that my blue eyed devil has had my heart from the minute he walked into my life, & nobody is more deserving, or takes better care of it than him.

I've never been so content with my life before. I used to worry about so much & enjoy so little. Now, even though I probably don't worry enough, I get a thrill from living in the moment with the people I love & at the same time, looking to a brighter future that we will create together. Moving to California, doing what we love with the people we love. Nothing but the sea & sand & a whole world of opportunity.

Who better to live life with than family? And I'm referring to my true family. The ones that are really there for me through anything & everything. Not my blood family, although my sister is beginning to prove herself. I hope one day she'll be strong enough to leave so I can help her move forward with her life as well. I don't want her to live in fear all her life & be held back from pursuing her dreams. She's young & free spirited. She should be able to live life to the fullest.

I can't wait to get away from here. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had, some of the people I've met, & especially the family I've become a part of & the crazy blue eyed devil I've fallen in love with... they've made all the heartache & the bad memories worth it. Utah has never been my home, but if I had never lived here, I never would have met my baby & I would be missing out on the best things in life. The most beautiful moments I've had have been with him, & I hope there will be many more to come. All I know is that he makes me deliriously happy, & he is without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's my inspiration, my lover, & my best friend. He really is my blue eyed devil.

Tell Me, Do You Really Love Me?

I have to be okay. Everything's the way it should be... so why am I still miserable? When he's around I'm so much happier, & then I remember how I fucked up & it hurts knowing that things can't be exactly the way they were before. 

I have the chance to make things right again. I'm doing everything I can, so how do we move forward? When Shaun's in my life, it feels like the best part of me comes alive again & I am so deliriously happy that the rest of the world seems to disappear. I want it to be that way every minute of every single day for the rest of our lives, but nothing seems to last forever. 

Remembering the way things began... when he not only climbed over my walls, took down my defenses, & found his way into my heart, but stole it as well. That's what captivated me. He did the impossible. I loved that about him. Nothing was a challenge when it came to me. He fought for my heart & soul & now he has them. He's been my inspiration for so long. My hero. He was still strong when everything was crashing down around him, & I can only hope that one day I can be as strong as he is.

I might be in control of my life, but I willingly handed him the keys to the one thing that guided me. That was my decision, & probably one of the smartest ones I ever made. Until he came into my life I had no control. I was a mess. The classic tragedy. Now I've cut all the bullshit. All of the lies... I'm finally strong enough to move forward on my own. I just hope that he'll come along for the ride.

I Don't Want to be Your Whole World...

Sometimes I wonder if things really are going to change. The weather here never seems to change, & the people that shouldn't change do, but the ones that need to never do. It seems a little ridiculous to hope for something so unlikely, it almost hurts to think about. I've been standing still for so long... just waiting to see if anything would happen. The only leap of faith I've taken in a long time was letting Shaun back in. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, & I pray every day that I made the right decision.

I wish I had a map telling my head where my heart should go. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore... but my life has gone far beyond complicated at this point. I just want to know that I still have an ounce of sanity somewhere in my head before I completely lose it.

Having my best friend in my life again has made me so happy, but at the same time seeing him hurting has made me so miserable. Life is never kind to those who cheat death, & we all have cheated it at one time or another. Our family even more so. Shaun doesn't deserve to go through this anymore. He shouldn't have had to go through it from the very beginning. All I want is for him to have Jax back in his arms so he can be happy again. Even though I know I can't come first anymore, their happiness still comes first in my book. That's all I've ever wanted... but it doesn't mean that I want to lose him. I still want to be a part of his life. I don't want to be his whole world. I just want to be one of his favorite parts.

Where Dreams Become Nightmares

I'm convinced my past is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I've tried running from it. I've tried facing it. It doesn't make a difference.... the minute my life has any potential, somebody walks back in determined to break me down & see that happiness is not an option. I might be pushing everyone away, but I have my reasons. I have to move forward with my life, & I can't risk anyone holding me back from doing what I need to do. The only people I need, or want in my life is Shaun, my brothers, & our Momma's. The people I know will push me to achieve my goals.

With Cameron pushing to be a part of my life again, I'm a mess. I'm not stable enough to deal with this on my own. I want Shaun. I know that, & I don't want Cameron to be a part of my life in any shape or form... but I'm not strong enough to push him away. I'm afraid I'll make another stupid decision & lose Shaun again, so I have to put him away. I have to lock every memory I have, & every feeling I ever had for him away in the back of my mind & forget. I have to do it... & although I've never taken pleasure in putting someone behind bars, I want nothing more than to see him suffer for every single time he tried to hurt my relationship with Shaun. Every night I cried myself to sleep... I want him to experience every heartbreak I went through. I won't rest until he's as miserable as he made me.

I've fought too hard to keep Shaun in my life. It would kill me to lose him again. He's my best friend... & I don't care if I have to shut everyone out of my life for him. I would. I put Cameron behind bars for Shaun. So we could make things right again. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I won't let anyone come between us again.

I have had so many opportunities to start over with somebody new. I could be dating Cass right now. Or Taylor. Funny thing is, nobody even begins to compare to Shaun. I know he's a pick up artist, & that he's skilled when it comes to making me believe everything he says & does. Maybe one day I'll find out it was all a lie... but I'm hoping that I won't. I trust him. I trust that he loves me, & I trust that I'm making the right decision. I know that I'll never regret choosing him, or loving him or losing everyone else on his behalf. It doesn't matter to me as long as he's a part of my life... & I know that he will always be the best thing that ever has & ever will happen to me.

Hakuna Matata

I wish I could get him off of my mind long enough to focus on getting my life in order. I've rescheduled tutoring sessions, counseling sessions, & put off all of my priorities at home just to spend a little more time with him... & it's starting to catch up with me. I have piles & piles of laundry, my bedroom looks like it was hit by a tornado, & I'm not sure where anything other than my teddy bear & my laptop is. I've been wearing the same clothes for days on end, & I haven't had the time or motivation to shower or organize my closet. I'm starting to feel incredibly overwhelmed & with all the emotions & stress on top of everything, I'm going off the deep end.  

On top of all of that... my ex is out of jail. I thought he was gone for good, or at least long enough for me to disappear. Unfortunately, he's back & determined to have me in his life, even if it means fucking up every single relationship I have, with my family, my friends, & Shaun... if he tries to ruin things between us in any way, I'll become his worst fucking nightmare. I don't care about the consequences. I'm fighting too hard to lose him again. 

I'm tired of the drama, I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of the pain & I'm tired of losing the people I care about the most. It's time to pull my life together. I can't afford to absorb any negative energy. Until I am emotionally & mentally stable enough that I actually trust myself to be happy without relying on everyone else, I don't want anyone other than my family in my life. Momma Bear, Scottie, Dano, Dumbass, Shorty & Shaun. That's all I need, & all I could possibly want.

I'm so incredibly lucky to have such a great support system. I don't think I would have made it this far & become this strong without them having my back. I hope that one day I can do the same for them. Until then, I'm just grateful that I'm not alone in all of this anymore. I love my family with all my heart, & I look forward to every new adventure that will come our way.

Happy Birthday Baby!

I have to admit, I've never really looked forward to my birthday before, let alone someone else's. Quite honestly, I'm really excited for Shaun, because I know this day means a great deal to him. On the ninth he'll have his son, & I know that means more to him than any birthday cake or any amount of money or gifts he could possibly receive. 

I'm so glad that Jax has such a loving Father. Shaun's fought so hard for him, & I know he won't stop fighting to make sure his son is safe & happy & in his arms again where he belongs. Jax deserves nothing but the best, & Shaun is the greatest example of what a real Father should be. He'd give Jax the world, & I have nothing but respect for him as a parent. I wish my family could see how Shaun treats his baby boy, & maybe they could learn a thing or two. I wish my baby brother  was lucky enough to have parents as dedicated as Shaun. But I'm so so lucky to have Shaun in my life, & Jax is lucky to have such an incredible Daddy watching over him. I hope that if I ever have children someday, that the Father is as dedicated & as loving as Shaun.

I can't imagine Shaun being any happier than having his baby in his arms on his birthday. I hope that everything goes well & that he has an incredible day. After everything he's been through, I just want him to have one day where he can be honestly, truly happy. I can't imagine anyone making him happier. I love him more than I can ever say, & I will do anything to help ensure that Jax stays where he belongs. That's what family is for.

I hope that you have a perfect day baby, & I can't wait to see the smile that Jax will leave on your face. I know it's a little soon, but Happy Birthday :)

I Think You Made Me Crazy

 I can't think straight anymore. My emotions are all over the place & not even words could describe what I'm feeling right now. I don't know what I want... well, in a sense. I know that I want him, but in some ways I already have him. I don't think either of us are ready to be together, but having him as a friend & a lover is enough for the meantime.

I know that I'm taking a huge risk. That kid is probably the most unpredictable person I've ever met, & although I can rely on that, sometimes it scares me. I don't think I could handle losing him again. He's been the most consistent thing in my life, & he's not just my best friend... he's family. Him, Dan, Scottie. They're more family than my parents & sisters have ever been, & I'm ever so grateful for that. I know that even after all the bullshit we put each other through, we'll always have each other's backs in the end. You don't cross family. Simple as that.

We've been through a lot together. I know that there will be a lot more experiences coming, & that when it's all over we'll have the best memories to look back on. California was incredible, & next time will be even better. I know that I can rely on my brothers & my blue eyed devil to create an unforgettable chapter in my life, & although everything is written in ink... there are no mistakes. Just lessons learned.

I know that once Shaun has Jax again, everything will be perfect. He'll have his son, & our family will be the way it should have been in the beginning. Until then, I know that Shaun won't stop fighting to make things right. None of us will. You don't cross my family, & you definitely don't cross Shaun. We might be crazy, but we're closer to the truth than most could ever hope to be. Sanity is just a sick stereotype that society tries to place us in because they couldn't even begin to understand the twisted reality they've been trapped inside. We were the lone wanderers. Now we've formed an army that will devastate the very foundation of this disgusting society, & we won't break. We're strong. We're family.