I Don't Want to be Your Whole World...

Sometimes I wonder if things really are going to change. The weather here never seems to change, & the people that shouldn't change do, but the ones that need to never do. It seems a little ridiculous to hope for something so unlikely, it almost hurts to think about. I've been standing still for so long... just waiting to see if anything would happen. The only leap of faith I've taken in a long time was letting Shaun back in. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, & I pray every day that I made the right decision.

I wish I had a map telling my head where my heart should go. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore... but my life has gone far beyond complicated at this point. I just want to know that I still have an ounce of sanity somewhere in my head before I completely lose it.

Having my best friend in my life again has made me so happy, but at the same time seeing him hurting has made me so miserable. Life is never kind to those who cheat death, & we all have cheated it at one time or another. Our family even more so. Shaun doesn't deserve to go through this anymore. He shouldn't have had to go through it from the very beginning. All I want is for him to have Jax back in his arms so he can be happy again. Even though I know I can't come first anymore, their happiness still comes first in my book. That's all I've ever wanted... but it doesn't mean that I want to lose him. I still want to be a part of his life. I don't want to be his whole world. I just want to be one of his favorite parts.