Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy

Love, You Beautiful Bastard

I can honestly say that I have never felt more alive than I have in the past two & a half months. I've done some things that I regret & lost some friends that meant the world to me, but I am genuinely happy to be alive & belong to somebody that even after everything that happened between us, still believes that we're a hopeless cause worth fighting for... that our daughter deserves to have a real family, even if it is pretty damn dysfunctional. I couldn't be more proud of all the changes Shaun has made, & I feel lucky knowing that he made them for Ivy & I.

So here we are, at the beginning of a new chapter. It's been a wild ride, but it's been well worth it. I have the love of my life, we have our beautiful daughter, & every morning I can wake up knowing that despite every trial I've faced, every friend & family member that I've lost, & every time I've felt like giving up, I have something worth fighting for. Love.

My Angel & Me - More Family Photos

Life & I? Yeah, We're Best Buds

I'm just going to start this post off by telling you that I feel REALLY good about life right now! It's as if something awakened in me this morning that opened my eyes to a world of opportunities that I have absolutely NO intention of passing up. I'm totally rocking life as a single Mum, & even though it's a struggle sometimes, I always come out on top, stronger than ever. Ivy is by far, my greatest blessing & I have no intention of taking that for granted. Life is short, but I'm still young & I've got a lot of fight left in me. Despite what the ghosts of my past might think, I'm ready for whatever life has to throw at me.

No more games. I might be young, but that doesn't mean I should be wasting my time. I have SO much potential, so why not put it to use? Time to study harder, get my business cards printed, sweat more, & prove to myself & the world that I'm so much more than the British plig kid who got knocked up at eighteen. I don't care who tries to bring me down. I'll be so busy making something of myself that I won't have time for their bullshit comments. I've got some pretty incredible people in my life, & they are behind me one hundred percent of the way. There is no finish line, so love the journey.

Sneak Peek from Our Shoot!

Here's a quick peek at our Mother/daughter shoot with Josh Wees tonight at the American Fork Amphitheater. Ivy was such a doll! I can't wait to see the rest so I can share them with all of you!

Today I'm Grateful For...

I never really imagined that I would be a single parent one day. Hell, I'm not sure I ever thought about being a parent in the first place, but life has a way of surprising you like that. I guess I had always hoped that if in fact I became a Mother someday, that there would be a Father in the picture... but that's not exactly how it happened. To be perfectly honest, it's been a challenge raising Ivy on my own so far. The late nights, the days in a row without sleep, the constant feeding & changing... the lack of social interaction, the lack of freedom. It's been really hard for me, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Ivy always made it worth it.

I can't tell you enough how much she has helped me to change for the better. Every smile & every milestone that she reaches pushes me to better myself in ways I never would have considered before now. I don't regret getting pregnant at eighteen. I don't regret who the Father was, because I wouldn't have my Ivy... I'd just have some other baby, & it wouldn't be the same. I don't regret what we had, because it gave me the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, & I wouldn't trade that for the world. Given the chance, I wouldn't do it differently. It's what made me the person I am today, & even though being a single parent is a struggle, it's the most rewarding experience anyone could possibly have.

Today, I'm grateful to be the single Mother of my beautiful Ivy Rose.

Bath Time for Princess

We're Young

It hurts too much, I'm looking for a crutch. Just any boy just for a touch... I let my angst out, I let myself go... & when I let myself down, I swag it out. Baby boy, I'd like to dance. I'm just looking for a brief romance. What's wrong with that? I'm young, forgive me. I'll live fast, die a legend. Oh... forgive us for what we have done. We're young, we're young, we're young. Forgive us, we're young. We're young...

True art exists only through suffering. Pain is what we relate to... it's what shapes us, grows us, & teaches us. Without pain, we would never know happiness or love. Before we can become flowers, we must first go through a whole lot of dirt. Before we can spread our wings & fly, we must bear the burden of being a slimy caterpillar. We will always feel pain throughout our lives, but it's up to us whether or not we create something beautiful from it.

I've Got This!

I'm not as disciplined as you might think... I love food. Food is my vice. I'll eat my feelings, I'll eat out of boredom... I'll eat for the sake of eating, & it's a horrible habit that I have had to break over the past couple weeks, so to prevent insanity, I allow myself one cheat meal a week... as long as I still eat the right portion sizes & on the condition that I burn off whatever I take into my body, which means I have one Hell of a run ahead of me tonight! It'll be a great burn though, & it'll wake me up so I can focus on getting my homework done. I've been procrastinating WAY too much, & with it being due on the 29th, I absolutely have to finish it. There are no more excuses!

Life as a single Mum is hard. Especially when you're trying to stay fit, eat right, get through school, & take care of a little person all at the same time. Want to know my secret? I remind myself that nothing worth having comes easy. I repeat it to myself under my breath as I run, or while I struggle to keep up with my exercise video. I have to tell myself that when Ivy is fussing & I'm trying to focus on my homework. It's rough sometimes, but there will always be somebody busier than me making the time to get things done, so why can't I? I'm up before seven every single day, & my daughter is in bed before nine at night. I'm pretty damn positive that I can make time to exercise. I'm sure I could get through college if I really wanted to. I can't let time pass me by without accomplishing SOMETHING.

I've set my goals, & I WILL accomplish them. No matter how much I sweat, bleed, or cry. If I'm not dead, I have no reason to give up. I've got this shit!

Motivational Quote of the Day

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
- Harriet Beecher Stowe

No Regrets

I'm Not Sorry

If you forget the way to go & lose where you came from... if no one is standing beside you, be still & know I am. Be still & know that I'm with you. Be still & know I am.

"I'm not sorry that I met you. I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything. You've been a terrible person. You made all the wrong choices, & of all the choices I've made, this will prove to be the worst one, but I am not sorry that I'm in love with you."

Committed to the Game

Some people will cut out junk food, maybe lose an inch or two, but continue to wonder why they still don't have perfectly flat tummies & a perky ass. Some people will spend hours at the gym every day & pig out on junk food, & they might have some muscle... but the fat is still there underneath. It takes a healthy diet & regular exercise to maintain a good weight & a good looking body, which is why I'm not cheating. I'm 100% committed to shedding the extra pounds & toning up. From this moment on, I'm a "no excuses" type of woman. If I want this badly enough, I won't let anything or anyone hold me back or tell me that I can't do it, because I can & I WILL.

Of course, there will always be haters that will point out my flaws. Somebody will point out my stretch marks or my huge hips, but I'm proud of the way that I am built & I am especially proud of the marks that show the world that I'm a Mother. I'm not out to impress anybody, because if somebody really loved me, they would take me as I am. I'm on a mission to prove to myself, my daughter, my friends & my family that I, Leah Taylor am one tough bitch. I don't need a man to be successful or happy, & I definitely don't need one to hold me back. I'm independent, I'm strong, I'm happy, & I WILL be fit, I WILL be healthy, I WILL be successful, & I WILL show the world what I'm made of. I'm committed to the game, & I'm 100% committed to bettering myself. NO EXCUSES!

Getting Fit

Eat, Drink, & Be Merry

Out with the Old

I've come to the realization that I'm not happy with the way I am. At least not outside of being a Mother. I've spent so much time trying to be the best Mum that I can be that I've forgotten to take care of myself, & it's resulted in low self esteem & bad habits such as eating too little or too much, not enough sleep, too little exercise & chain smoking. About three days ago I woke up & decided that things needed to change. That I must be the best person I can be in order to be the best Mother I can be, because lets face it, if you don't take care of yourself, how are you supposed to have the strength & energy to take care of somebody else? Especially when that somebody requires so much love & attention.

I started on the fifteenth. I went out & bought fruit, vegetables, chicken & salmon & haven't touched (nor do I intend to touch), any junk food or sugary snacks. On the twentieth I will begin working out every day. It'll be a combination of kickboxing, hooping, yoga, & a LOT of walking, which will help me tone up & shed those extra pounds left over from Ivy. It'll be rough, but I'm determined to do whatever it takes to reach my full potential physically as well as mentally & emotionally, which is why I will also be meditating twice a day. I know I'll get discouraged, but the results in the end will be worth it & THAT will push me to accomplish my goals, which are;

1. Tone up legs, butt, abs, arms, back & chest
2. Lose 30 lbs by the end of August
3. Build up some muscle in my arms, legs & abs
4. Continue to eat only healthy foods (with one cheat day a month)
5. Get at least eight hours of sleep a night 

Some have accused me of aiming too high, or suggested that I take it slow, but I'm done creeping through each day with nothing to show for it. I want results! I am determined, I am dedicated, & I am disciplined, & if anybody has the nerve to suggest otherwise, they can eat my sweaty gym shorts when I prove them wrong. I've been too lazy for too long, & it's about time that I show myself & everybody else what I'm made of.

I'll still be working on getting my diploma, as well as learning to drive & looking for work, but I KNOW that I can accomplish anything I set out to do. There will always be somebody busier than me that still finds the time to exercise & eat right, so there are no excuses. I WILL lose weight, I WILL tone up, & I WILL strengthen my mental, emotional, & physical health this summer. I'm making these changes now so that Ivy doesn't have the same struggles with her weight & self confidence in the future as I do. I'm going to make myself proud, & I'm going to show Ivy what us Taylor girls are made of. 

Wish me luck!

Those Eyes...

A Poem from My Daddy

Little Ivy looked up at the face

of the one who brought her to earth
the one whose love made her
who'd been there from her birth

Little Ivy looked up at the eyes
of the one who always cared for her
who always would be there
who would all their love confer

Little Ivy knew that who she saw
protected her tho' she was small
and that her wonderful mother
would always be there through it all

Hear Me Now

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster."

                               As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
                           I wear my crown of thorns and pull the knife out my chest.

I keep searching for something that I never seem to find.
But maybe I won’t, because I left it all behind.
Now I’m stuck with this, and that’ll never change
Always a part of me, until the very last day.

Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
Will I try because I’ve never seen the light?
Blow it to the ground and it’s now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

How long can I keep pretending to be?
That all the stars in the sky could mean something to me.
Heaven will open up if I live on my knees.
A man of many words, but a man of few deeds.
Walking these streets, so absent of hope.

A pillow of concrete, a man with no home.
Lend him a hand, then we’re walking the way.
Leave the virtue of pity, but we live with the shame.
So scared to dream in a world with no sunlight.
When you wake up, you know it’s darker than last night.
Quickly we forget, sacrifice gone by.
Born to walk away, been walking my whole life.

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Look into my eyes and I see
What do I see? Nothing at all
Take another look around me
What do I see? Nothing at all

Where’d you go? Where’s your home?
How’d you end up all alone?
Can you hear me now?
There’s no light, there’s no sound.
Hard to breathe, when you’re underground.
Can you hear me now? Hear me now

Can you hear me? Hear me now

Reviews

As uninteresting as it might sound, I'm going to start reviewing the products that I buy & use on a regular basis. I figure that as much as I read reviews before investing in something helps me, maybe it'll help you make a decision before you waste your dough on something you've never tried before as well. For example; I just ordered an Android smartphone from StraightTalk. I was trying to decide between three different phones, & the reviews on the one I chose were exceptional. BUT... you never really know until you try the product yourself. So, I will be reviewing the Huawei Ascend II for StraightTalk after a week of using it, & then will review it again after a month once I've gotten the hang of it & experienced any flaws on a regular basis. Hopefully then any of you who have been considering buying the phone will feel more comfortable with making a decision about investing in it.

I will also review other electronics, makeup, hair products, facial washes, & Ivy's more expensive baby toys for all you Mum's out there looking for something to entertain your little one. If you'd like me to review a product for you, or maybe review your business, you can contact me at sweetlittletragedy@gmail.com & I will try to shed some light on things.

Best Friends

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Do you ever get so distracted by the chaos of everyday life that you forget to stop & smell the roses? I've never really realized how important it is until now... how vital it is to our overall well being. I get so caught up in school, diaper changes, bus schedules, food shopping & dirty laundry that I forget that I need to take care of myself too. Even if it is five minutes spent sitting in the sunshine, or a journal entry before I climb into bed. Those small moments do so much more for me than I realized, & even though I have my responsibilities, I'll get through the day with a much better attitude if I take a little time to appreciate myself & the things that make me happy.

It does get pretty hard sometimes... there will always be disagreements & slip ups, & things won't go my way 24/7, but that's the beauty of it all! If things didn't go wrong, we couldn't appreciate them when they go the way we hoped! If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have my sweet little Princess to cuddle with every night. If I hadn't left home at sixteen, I wouldn't know what I know now, & I wouldn't have met all the crazy, wonderful people in my life. I can definitely appreciate my struggles, because they made me strong. Those experiences made me appreciate things that I probably would have scofffed at three years ago. I have no regrets, because I am proud of the person I am today. I wouldn't change what I've been through for the world, even if it means appreciating those who have burned me & the people I love. Even if it means acknowledging that I wasn't somebody to be proud of once upon a time... I am now.

I WILL be an example to Ivy. I WILL be an honest, faithful & loving girlfriend, & I WILL have respect for myself & those around me. I'm not going to let anyone or anything hold me back from being the woman I know I am deep down. She might have been wandering for a while, but not all who wander are lost, & I'm on a one way track to success & happiness.

I Gave You Up for HER

"Power is being told you are not loved & not being destroyed by it."

In case you were not aware, I'm a single Mum. I take care of my four month old daughter by myself, with little or no help from my friends & family. I ensure that all of her needs are met, even if that means mine aren't, & I try not to leave her with a baby sitter unless I absolutely have to for school purposes. Yes, I left her Dad. I left... & looking back, I'm grateful that I did, for obvious reasons... but two days later I was diagnosed with post partum depression & suffered from quite a few "episodes" throughout the first two months of Ivy's life. If you know anything about post partum depression, you'll know that your thoughts become incredibly irrational & occasionally you can lose your grasp on reality. I know I did for quite some time... but I assure you, my reasons for leaving were extremely reasonable. I've finally overcome my depression & am in the process of overcoming my anxiety. I am moving forward in ways that never would have been possible if I had remained in a relationship with Ivy's Dad, & I couldn't be more proud of myself.

Even though it still hurts sometimes to think about what we had, I know we never could have been. I'm grateful that Ivy gave me the strength to move on, because it only would have ended even worse than it did if we had dragged it out any longer. I don't dare imagine how many more children are going to pop up over the next few years, or how many girls I would have been cheated on with. How many items of jewelry & electronics would go missing... the damage he caused while we were together is unimaginable, & despite the fact that his family hate me for it, I had to get away for Ivy's sake. I will not raise her in that environment. I will not buy her diapers with money made from items he's stolen & pawned. I will not wear an engagement ring that he stole for me. I cannot respect a boy like that, & I will not tolerate it any longer. He may not love me anymore, (although I'm pretty sure he never did), but I'm okay with that. I don't want to be loved by somebody that is going to be loving three other girls at the same time. That is not love, & that is not something I will expose Ivy to. She deserves somebody who will choose her over that lifestyle, & he never will.

I know that one day all that pain will be worth it. One day something wonderful will come along, & I will finally heal. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance... a flying leap, knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, sometimes it feels like I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down... So judge me, hate me, harass me. I don't care. In the end, I'm doing the right thing for my daughter & the one who walked out on her WILL NOT tell me otherwise. I gave up the man I loved because I knew if I stayed with him, Ivy & I would only end up being hurt. If that isn't real love, I don't know what is.

The First Day of Your Life

The first day of your life was the beginning of mine. Before you came along, I didn't have a purpose. I had nothing to live for, & even though I thought I knew what I wanted, I really had no idea. I had no self respect, & very little respect for others. I was selfish & bitter... until the day you were born. Granted, I get lonely sometimes. The first few weeks of your life were lonely & painful, & sometimes I wondered how I made it through each day without somebody by my side, but then I'd look at you & I'd know... it was worth the struggle. You were so beautiful & innocent. My perfect little angel. 

I can't begin to describe my love for you. It's unconditional. It's never ending. I love you with every fiber of my being... every beat of my heart, & every piece of my broken soul. You are the glue that keeps me together, & the strength that keeps me fighting. For you, I will get a good education. I will get a job, & I will work towards a real career. I will provide you with a safe & stable home that you can grow up in, & I will strive every day to be the Mother that you deserve. You're worth the struggle.

Pretty in Pink

Um.... No

I wish people could understand what it means to be a parent... Pregnancy already destroys your social life, but those friends who dropped you once you became pregnant seem to think that once you've had the baby, that you are just going to jump back into partying with them like your child no longer exists. Um.... WRONG! I don't party. Call me boring, but I have more fun cuddling up with my baby girl than I would with my head in the toilet dry heaving. That's not my thing, & as far as I'm concerned, it never will be. I sincerely believe in setting an example for my daughter, whether or not she'll remember what I do while she's little. She is my first priority, second & third, & I want to raise her knowing that I did everything in my power to be a good Mother & role model. I have every intention of making her proud.

Maybe it's cool to be an alcoholic parent. Maybe it's cool to dump your kid with a baby sitter every weekend so you can get fucked up, but that's not cool to me. The only people who have any involvement in my life are the ones who understand that Ivy comes first & respect it. I don't have room for anyone who thinks otherwise.

Freedom

"Life is like photography. We develop from the negatives."

For the first time in my life, I am genuinely enjoying the freedom to make my own decisions. I depended on everyone else to tell me which direction I was supposed to take my life in for so long, & now I FINALLY have the guts to take a stand & move in the direction that I truly believe is best for me & my daughter. We're moving, & we're going to start our new lives somewhere that is filled with opportunities for the both of us. Somewhere she can grow up safe, healthy & happy. Utah has never been my home, & I never had any intention of making it Ivy's. I can't let how others feel about us moving stop me, because Ivy's future is my top priority. I need to be somewhere that I can reach my full potential, financially, intellectually, emotionally, physically, & spiritually.

No Exceptions

How many times do you have to start over before you get it right? How many times will you give up before you find something worth fighting for? How many people do you have to blame before you take responsibility for the hurt you've caused? You might have dozens of girls wrapped around your finger, you might have your family convinced that you're a changed man, but I finally see through it, & my tolerance for bullshit has reached it's limit. Nobody who has lied to me, stolen from me, & cheated on me has the right to tell me how things are going to be. I am the Mother, & I will do the right thing by Ivy.

Double Date

Tonight was exactly what I've been needing. A double date with my baby & good friends... I can't think of a better way to kick back before I'm stuck spending all my free time studying & taking classes. I mean, I know its all for a good cause, but a little me time never hurt anyone.

My Biggest Vice is My Ugliest Habit

If you didn't know already (which would surprise me), I am addicted to cigarettes. I have been for the greater part of my life now... & if any of you out there have ever suffered from some kind of addiction, you KNOW how hard it is to quit. Especially after its become routine.

Smoking is my vice. I suffer from severe anxiety & smoking helps calm my nerves, as well as gives me something to pass the time if Ivy is sleeping. I've tried to quit many times, but stress & anxiety are always the key factors that cause me to start up again. I need to quit... For Ivy's sake, as well as for my health, but I don't know if I'm ready to... Maybe that's selfish, but its all I really have of my own. It's the only minute I get to myself, & what makes it worse is that I enjoy it.

If you have any advice, or know of anything that could help motivate me to quit, you can email me at sweetliltragedy@gmail.com & who knows? You could be exactly what I need!

The Cutest Damn Thing

She's growing too fast!

Busy Schedule? Nah...

Sometimes I miss being busy... I miss having somewhere to be every day of the week. It helped me to appreciate my days at home so much more. Now, I spend so much time at home that even a walk to Smiths is like an exotic getaway. Its so terribly boring! I can't wait until I'm working every day so I can bring home the bacon & appreciate the time I have with my daughter that much more.

Five Things

Its days like this that everything makes me smile, simply because I took some time to appreciate the little things.

#selfmade

Sometimes I ever why my life went I'm the direction that it did. I suppose I could blame it on fate, if I believed in that. Others might tell me that God had something to do with it, although I can't really say I believe in him either. I do believe that my mistakes play a big part, but I honestly believe that it was my failures that drove me to succeed, as well as the people I've lost that made me realize what I really want out of life. The few that supported me throughout my struggles in the past are the few that will continue to be a part of my life, & the ones that walled away when things were difficult are the ones who revoked the right to be a part of my future.

"If you were absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present for my success."

In other words, if you had the nerve to walk away, I most definitely have earned the right to turn you away. I have worked my ass off to be the person I am today, & I will continue to better myself until I am the Mother that Ivy deserves. I know its going to be hard, & I know I will continue to make many more mistakes in the future, but those mistakes will be lessons, not failures. You can judge me, but in the end the qualities you so despise in me are only a reflection of the things you despise in yourself. I could have run away when my life started to fall apart, but I'm proud to say that I'm stronger than that. I'm picking up the pieces, & nothing anyone could say will hold me back or bring me down. I'm going to be somebody my daughter can be proud of, & she will learn by example that you never give up, no matter what the odds are.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

You can drive me up the wall sometimes, but you have proven to be the most loyal & loving person in my life thus far, & even when you felt hurt & betrayed, you still waited for me. I couldn't ask for a more incredible boyfriend. I love you baby. Truly, madly, deeply.