I Gave You Up for HER

"Power is being told you are not loved & not being destroyed by it."

In case you were not aware, I'm a single Mum. I take care of my four month old daughter by myself, with little or no help from my friends & family. I ensure that all of her needs are met, even if that means mine aren't, & I try not to leave her with a baby sitter unless I absolutely have to for school purposes. Yes, I left her Dad. I left... & looking back, I'm grateful that I did, for obvious reasons... but two days later I was diagnosed with post partum depression & suffered from quite a few "episodes" throughout the first two months of Ivy's life. If you know anything about post partum depression, you'll know that your thoughts become incredibly irrational & occasionally you can lose your grasp on reality. I know I did for quite some time... but I assure you, my reasons for leaving were extremely reasonable. I've finally overcome my depression & am in the process of overcoming my anxiety. I am moving forward in ways that never would have been possible if I had remained in a relationship with Ivy's Dad, & I couldn't be more proud of myself.

Even though it still hurts sometimes to think about what we had, I know we never could have been. I'm grateful that Ivy gave me the strength to move on, because it only would have ended even worse than it did if we had dragged it out any longer. I don't dare imagine how many more children are going to pop up over the next few years, or how many girls I would have been cheated on with. How many items of jewelry & electronics would go missing... the damage he caused while we were together is unimaginable, & despite the fact that his family hate me for it, I had to get away for Ivy's sake. I will not raise her in that environment. I will not buy her diapers with money made from items he's stolen & pawned. I will not wear an engagement ring that he stole for me. I cannot respect a boy like that, & I will not tolerate it any longer. He may not love me anymore, (although I'm pretty sure he never did), but I'm okay with that. I don't want to be loved by somebody that is going to be loving three other girls at the same time. That is not love, & that is not something I will expose Ivy to. She deserves somebody who will choose her over that lifestyle, & he never will.

I know that one day all that pain will be worth it. One day something wonderful will come along, & I will finally heal. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance... a flying leap, knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, sometimes it feels like I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down... So judge me, hate me, harass me. I don't care. In the end, I'm doing the right thing for my daughter & the one who walked out on her WILL NOT tell me otherwise. I gave up the man I loved because I knew if I stayed with him, Ivy & I would only end up being hurt. If that isn't real love, I don't know what is.