Baby I'm Sorry...

It feels like everybody's changing with the weather... it's all like, "the skies are cloudy & miserable, so why can't we be a projection of that?" It's starting to get a little unbearable. Everything feels so empty. I just want to curl up in a ball & hibernate until my baby girl gets here so I have a reason to smile again... she's honestly already my whole world. I can't even begin to imagine how much more she'll mean to me once she's actually here in my arms.

I hope things start looking up. I really do. It seems like everybody's down on their luck lately & as much as I wish I could help, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation. I can barely pull myself out of this hole I've been digging. I thought for a while that because I was hurting & because I was scared that I was the victim... I forgot how awful it feels to be reminded of the past & the mistakes I've been paying for all my life. I can't imagine how Shaun feels. I kept reminding him of what he did because I thought that it would remind him how much it hurt me & help him realize that it couldn't happen again, but it's almost like I'm throwing all his efforts in his face. I feel terrible, because now I could lose him all over again, but this time it would be my own fault.

I wanted so badly to be a family for Ivy. To give her a Mother AND a Father that would care for her & show her what it really means to love & be loved, & instead I threw it all away because I was too blind to see that Shaun actually WAS trying & that he actually did want to make things right. It makes me sick to imagine how I must have made him feel... but I hope he knows that I am so so proud of his efforts, & they weren't for nothing. I may still be hurting, but I have forgiven him. I may not be able to allow those things to happen again, but that doesn't mean I have to keep bringing up the past in order to move forward. I want to move on, & I want to be happy again. I want us to make each other happy, & while he's been trying every day to do that for me, I've only been bringing him down. I hope more than anything that he'll let me make things right & that we can start over again. That's what we need more than anything... a fresh start. I hope he can give me this chance, because I don't want to lose my best friend all over again. Not after how hard he's worked to bring us back together...