Brown Eyed Brit Baby (With Instagram)

 

Bipolar Baby

I really wanted to believe that things were looking up. We've worked so hard to make a better life together that I don't see why things shouldn't get better. I just don't dare get my hopes up anymore... we've been let down so many times that I'm sick & tired of the constant disappointment. You would think that maybe one or two things would work out once in a while, but nooooooo. We're those lucky ones who get fucked every time we put our faith in something.

At this point I'm afraid to make any plans at all in case they end up falling through. I'm not even sure I want to plan our wedding... I don't even know if we'll be able to have one at this point. I know I need to keep my chin up, but it's getting harder to when everything keeps falling apart. Maybe if somebody would actually give Shaun work, we'd be able to see things in a more positive light, but until then things seem to fall apart more often than come together.

Thankfully we finally have a roof over our head where we can live day to day as adults rather than tip toe past my Mother's constant disapproving glare. I never felt like we could please her, & when she decided to kick Shaun out it just proved it. She will never be satisfied with us, no matter what we do, no matter how much we change... I'll never be her ideal daughter. I'm done trying to please her. Now it's time to live for myself, & it's almost surprising how much I've accomplished since we left. Not only am I on the way to getting proper prenatal care for Ivy & myself, but I am working towards getting my Green Card & I have this first month's rent taken care of. I have accomplished more in a week of being here than two months of being there. It just goes to show that I'm not incapable of taking care of myself like she thinks.

Honestly, I love living here. I feel like I can be myself, I have as much space as I need, I can sleep & wake up when I need or want to, & I still manage to accomplish what I set out to do. I live by my own schedule, & it doesn't affect anyone negatively. Not even me. I even managed to make enough money for a new camera! Now I can finally get back to my photography, which is something I've been wanting to do for so long now... I can do something I love, & earn the money to save for my baby girl. I am so so proud of myself. These past couple weeks may have been a real strain on me & Ivy & Shaun, but we're going to come out so much stronger. I can already feel the difference in myself. I can't wait to show Shaun how confident I feel... because this is something I don't think I've ever felt before. I feel strong, I feel beautiful, & I feel like I can do practically anything I set my mind to. I've learned to face myself & my fears, now I'm ready to face the world... because I finally know who I am.

Hand Me Down

Sometimes hand me downs aren't all that bad. I mean, sometimes there's the really awful stuff that people just don't want to be caught dead in, so they give it to you in the hope that they never have to see that hideous item in their closet again... but then there are those adorable things that they can't make use of & find it incredibly hard to part with, but eventually give it to you knowing it will serve out it's purpose elsewhere. Luckily, I landed some really cute stuff from my roommate, who has the most adorable six month old daughter. She's been a good friend of mine since I was a kid & has been giving me all of the tiny little outfits that no longer fit her chunky little monster.

I can't complain. I can't eally afford to splurge on baby items right now, & it gives me something to gush over in the meantime. Not to mention, Shaun isn't here to complain about the abundance of pink & lack of green & purple, so I can ooh & ahh to my hearts content.

Oh Those Palm Tree's

Ivy Rose/Green Card Fundraiser

To be able to raise my baby girl in the United States, not only will I need to qualify for healthcare but I will need to be ale to work to provide for Ivy financially & keep a roof over our heads. She is due in December, but unless I can raise the money for my Green Card by the time I am seven months pregnant, I will be too far along to fly & she will have to be born in America. The only problem is I HAVE to be able to take care of her at that point, & I couldn't take her to England after she's born until #1 I have dual citizenship for her and #2 She is at least six to nine months old. That is a long time to be staying here with no way of taking care of my baby girl. That is why I have a deadline to not only raise the money for my Green Card so I can qualify for Medicaid & WIC & legally work here, but to ensure a roof over my head & have most of our basic needs covered. We need to not only raise about $200 for my British Passport so I can get my TIN, but $1,500 for my Green Card. The money needs to go towards my Passport FIRST so I can get my Green Card & TIN. Email me about who to make any checks payable to but cash works just as well. I know this is a lot to ask, but I want to be the best Mother I can be, & I want nothing more than to be able to take care of this little person & be someone she can rely on. I need your help. I need to keep a roof over my head & have the money by the end of September for my Green Card or I will have to say goodbye to everyone here that I know & love that want so badly to be a part of Ivy's life & try to make it on my own in England. If anybody has any odd jobs that I can still phsically do in my condition to cover my rent, please let me know. I can clean, babysit.. anything that won't put me into premature labor or hurt my baby. And if anyone has any money they can spare to go towards my Green Card, or any baby girl items they can donate, it would be greatly appreciated. My friend Kim will be taking most of the donations for me, as my transportation is extremely limited - so if you have anything you can give her for my baby girl, you can email me & we will provide you with a phone number or address. P.S. I would greatly appreciate it if this can be taken seriously, without any rude, unnecessary remarks. Being an illegal immigrant, I am not in the position to take care of this baby without the help that only you can give. I've made mistakes in the past, but I've sacrificed a lot for this little girl & I'm trying to get to the point where I can take care of the both of us without any charity. In the meantime, please invite anyone you think would or could help. Thank you.

The Best Days of Our Lives

 I still remember the day I met Shaun... every detail - from the shirt he was wearing, to everything he told me about himself & everything I liked & disliked about him. I remember how cold he was at first, & how throughout the day he seemed to change. Like something just switched on in his mind & he was fully functional again. Like he came alive... I know, because the same thing was happening to me. I was smiling again, & laughing at his dumb jokes & smart ass remarks. It was like he was a part of me that I didn't know was missing until that point, & from that moment I knew I was in love with him.

I never believed in the whole love at first sight bullshit until I met Shaun. After that point, it was as if I had never known love before. Like it was hitting me for the first time, & I couldn't even imagine ever being with anyone else ever again. That was the strangest thing to experience... especially wth my history. I might have had skeletons in my closet, but being with him made it seem like they never existed. The past didn't matter anymore, just as long as I could see a future with him. Honestly, things still haven't changed. I love him more every minute, but every day it's like I'm rediscovering something about myself, & about him. He never stops surprising me.

I hope that we can still keep our relationship strong & exciting. I hope that we'll continue to love each other more rather than fall out of love... I hope that we can be a family to our baby girl & make a better life for her. I don't want her to grow up without her Daddy... I don't want her to grow up like we did. I want her to have a chance at happiness, like I had with Shaun. I don't want to watch everything we've worked so hard for just go down the drain... I want every day to be the best day of our lives, just like it was when we first met.

Come Home

I wish I knew how to make things right again... I know where so many things went wrong, but if I only knew how to make them right again, maybe we wouldn't be going through this alone. I know that I've made mistakes. Nobody's perfect. I just wish I was capable of being everything you needed... & for a while I thought I was, but now I'm not so sure.

I have been trying. I've been trying to think about everything I did wrong & how I can start fixing things so we can be happy again... but is that going to be enough? I don't know what will happen after this weekend, but I know that if I lost you I would have lost my best friend & it would have been a result of my own God damn stupidity.

The Story of Us

Decisions, Decisions...

For a while now I've been debating going back to my brunette state, but everyone who I've discussed it with has said they prefer me blonde. I will agree that it does suit me, but it doesn't feel quite like... well... me :/ I want to go back to brunette, but I don't want everyone coming to me asking me why I did & then me having to bleach my hair again to please everyone. So what do you think? Do I look better as a blonde or a brunette? Feel free to comment & let me know!

Scandalous

Once again, the pictures below are somewhat scandalous... so if you are opposed to nudity at it's finest, you may want to skip this post as it does contain photographs of a somewhat questionable nature. For all of you who share my appreciation for the female body's seductive charm, I will only encourage you to read on. However, if you accidentally come across this post in one of your online adventures & are offended in any way, I sincerely apologize. These were not meant to offend, but to appreciate & admire the beauty of a unique & incredibly attractive individual.

Inked

Some of Shaun's work - an incredible back piece that took a great deal of time, but looks incredible! Not the best quality or lighting, but amazing work nonetheless. To book a session to get inked, you can email me at neverloveawickedthing@gmail.com

The Lucky Ones

Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me too often. I'll forget about all the good things & just concentrate on everything in my life that has gone or is going wrong. I let it tear me down until I can't contain my tears anymore & then at that point I refuse to even look for the bright side in anything... but sometimes there are those days, like today, when all I can see is the best part of everything. Not only that, but I'm overwhelmed with gratitude towards everyone that has made my life the way it is today.

Smiling Cause I Can (With Instagram)

Suicide Girls

Once again, do not read if you find girl on girl contact offensive in anyway & do not wish to see any nudity. This is my personal blog & I do post things that many people will find offensive, but it is their choice to read further.

Four in the Morning

It's one of those nights... I woke up about a half an hour ago & I can't get back to sleep. I feel almost empty, like the world is filled with nothingness. Like this house is empty & the people inside it don't belong. It's the strangest feeling, but it comes with waking early for me. It's almost comforting in a twisted sort of way... but it scares me at the same time. All I want to do is curl up in bed with Shaun & feel safe & secure & warm, but instead I'm sitting on my parents living room floor at four in the morning putting a folder together filled with wedding inspiration & wondering when any of our plans are going to start coming into play.

High Heels & Donuts :)

You know you have an incredible relationship when your fiancée brings you home comfort food, just because he can. I've always loved that about Shaun. For as long as we've been together, he's always brought me home chocolate, or scones, or something delicious to satisfy my sweet tooth. I never even have to ask. He'll just come home, candy in hand with a big smile on his face. He makes my day every time.

Gloomy Skies

I love this miserable weather. It gives me the chance to somewhat bundle up & take advantage of some of the cozier items in my closet (or in this case, totes & boxes piled up in my Mum's garage). Not to mention, I have some really cute heels that I haven't really had the chance to wear yet! Here are a few of the outfits I put together last fall, although it was a lot colder than I had expected!

Scrabble

Kiss the Girl

 If you are easily offended, or have anything against lesbians, gays, or bisexuals - you may want to skip this post. Especially if you didn't know that I am bisexual.

Hello August

I've got to stay positive... even when everything is going wrong, & everything I was counting on has fallen through, I can't let it get to me. My stress affects the baby, & I can't stand the thought of that. I just wish that once in a while, something would work out in our favor. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, screwed over, disappointed, & exhausted from all our hard work that in the end just seems like a waste of precious time. Why does this have to happen to us? We're the ones working hard, trying to earn money to provide for our baby girl & instead the ones who don't really need it or even want it are getting all the work.