Four in the Morning

It's one of those nights... I woke up about a half an hour ago & I can't get back to sleep. I feel almost empty, like the world is filled with nothingness. Like this house is empty & the people inside it don't belong. It's the strangest feeling, but it comes with waking early for me. It's almost comforting in a twisted sort of way... but it scares me at the same time. All I want to do is curl up in bed with Shaun & feel safe & secure & warm, but instead I'm sitting on my parents living room floor at four in the morning putting a folder together filled with wedding inspiration & wondering when any of our plans are going to start coming into play.

 

 I guess I'm just hoping for some sense of normality these days. We've been on the streets so long, I think we've forgotten what it's like to live with a daily routine. I've become so restless that I can't even sit through a movie or pick up a book & start reading. I don't have the patience to get dressed up like I used to or go on a walk like I used to. Instead I sit around & run over everything in my head a million times... what we still haven't done, what is the most important thing we have to do, where we have to be, what we have to save for, when we can take care of this, what we have to change so we can take care of it. It drives me insane. It literally makes me mad knowing that most of the things that we need to do are out of my control.

We've worked so hard, & made so many changes so we could live a better life. Not so that I could sit around all day & mope, or so that we could waste time & forget about everything we have to do. I just wish that I could relax for two minutes without my mind running away with me. I want to be able to push past the madness & get back to the old me. Not the me that didn't think or care about anything, but the me that at least took the time to get some exercise... or relaxed once in a while. The me who actually took the time to get things done & then enjoyed my time afterwards instead of always rushing to take care of everything at once.

Shaun was right. I don't think. I mean I do, but maybe I think too much these days. I need to learn some self control. I need to realize that my mind is taking over & I'm blowing off what really matters, to the point where it's starting to affect everyone around me. I just want to be able to slow down. Why is that so hard for me?