The Faces of Me

Erin's Hair - With Instagram

The Best I Can Be

I'm quickly learning to stop caring about everybody else's drama. I was a part of it for so long... in fact, I was the cause of it 90% of the time. Since Ivy became a part of our lives, the only things I'm concerned with is my family, a real home, & finding real friends that actually care about our well being. Anyone who wants to leave a negative impact on our lives isn't welcome. No exceptions.

Erin's Dream Room

Yet again, another one of my Mum's masterpieces. My youngest sister's pink paradise. Now like I've said before, I've never been the biggest fan of the color pink... but when I was ten years old, I would have killed to have a bedroom like this designed just for me!

Wonderful Things

I'm so proud of Shaun & I. We've come so far & made so many good changes that if it weren't for our baby girl, we probably never would have made them in the first places. Anyone who has every said that having a baby ruins your life obviously didn't appreciate the benefits of making these necessary sacrifices. I feel so much healthier, Shaun seems so much happier, we've both learned to work a lot harder & face difficult decisions & we've learned who we can trust & rely on & who doesn't deserve to be a part of our lives.  Something that I couldn't be more grateful for, because now we have some of the most faithful friends we've ever had & I can't wait for them to be a part of our baby's life as well.

Twenty Weeks - Halfway Mark!

 Twenty weeks! I'm so proud of how how we've come, & all the healthy changes I've made for our sweet little princess. It's been God knows how long since I've touched a cigarette, I haven't had one sip of alcohol the entire pregnancy so far, & I've almost completely stopped eating fast food. In fact, I feel so much healthier & happier now knowing that all of these changes aren't only benefiting me, but they are benefiting Ivy too.

Lazy

Today is one of those days that I don't think I'll be doing anything productive. Well... that's a lie. We do have to pick up some couches for my Mum, but other than that I just want to lay around & pretend like I have nothing better to do. It's too hot, & I can't be bothered to run around in this God awful heat all day like everyone else. I prefer miserable weather. The rain, fog, dark clouds, thunder & lightning. I hate Utah summer's with a burning passion...

I just wish Mum would actually let us get away with being lazy for once. Despite what she thinks, being lazy is actually quite healthy once in a while. Even God had a day of rest after all his hard work, so why can't we? It isn't like we haven't earned it. I know it might sound petty but I can't wait until we get our own place so we can work on our own schedule. That would be heaven at this point.

My Heart is Happier Because You're inside it

I love the simple things in life the most. I love sleeping in, wrapped in my finance's arms. I love drinking iced coffee for breakfast & watching Doctor Who with my family once a week. I love writing about the things I love, & I love it when people acknowledge my passion for writing. I could sit here all day & name off everything I love, but I'd much rather spend it with the people I love doing the things I love.

I'm so incredibly lucky. It's hard not to brag about my luck sometimes, because even though I've been through a load of bullshit, I've had some pretty incredible experiences & met so many fascinating people. I've had the opportunity to travel & learn  & live a life that not many people could begin to imagine living, & I'm so so grateful for that. I honestly can't wait to see what life has for me next. It never ceases to surprise me, & that's what I love most about it.

I'm especially lucky to have Shaun. Somebody who loves me more than I ever thought could be possible. He's made me a better person. A happier person... & I love him with all my heart. 

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Staying Strong

Even though everything is so complicated right now, looking at this perfect little angel's face makes all the hard work worth it. I love knowing that she belongs to us... that we made something so small & perfect that will share our DNA & some of our features & our traits. It's not something I ever really thought about before, but every day that passes, I get closer to being a Mummy, & it pushes me to work harder than ever.

We're lucky to have so many good friends helping us out. Kim is giving us a crib & a changing table for Ivy & a bed so we have something to sleep on once we get our own place. Delynn gave us a couple couches & dressers, & HOH will be helping us out today with some hygienic products & hopefully some bus passes. Now all we need is some work & a place to live.

At least we have a roof over our heads in the meantime, & the ability to save the money needed for an apartment. It's going to get harder, & I know that. I'm worried, because even the easier things have been a lot harder on me than they would be if my emotions weren't through the roof. I have Shaun to keep me somewhat balanced, & I have our little Ivy Rose to stay strong for. One we have fought our way through the rest of this bullshit, it'll be worth it. I honestly can't wait.

Thursday with Instagram

Ivy Rose Bills

I can't believe it... it's all so real now that we know. I honestly couldn't get the massive smile off of my face during the ultrasound, & even now it's hard to hide it! From the very first day I found out that I was having a baby, I knew exactly what the gender would be. Now that we know for sure, I can't wait to buy anything & everything I can get my hands on. Shaun will have to hold me back - that is if he isn't spoiling her himself! She's going to be quite the little princess. OH MY GOD we're having a GIRL!!!

 

I just can't believe I'm this lucky. Not only do I have incredibly supportive parents who have been so great, helping us out like they have & being patient when I break down, but I have some truly great friends who have stuck with me through everything & forgiven me for every stupid stunt I've ever pulled... & I have Shaun.

He has been there through more than any guy ever has for me, he's been patient & understanding & loving, & even though he tries to hide it, his soft & squishy side has really helped me when I just needed somebody to cry to or somebody to listen. He's everything to me, & he's going to be the most incredible Daddy to our little Ivy. I'm so lucky to have him. I would say that I can't wait to start a life with him, but we've already started one, & we're getting the best thing it has to offer. Our baby girl.

All The Things in My Head

There's so much on my mind that I'm not sure how to begin putting any of it into words. I'm swamped with idea's, I'm drowning in complications, & I'm suffocating under the weight of everything that has yet to happen. I'm not sure how to handle it all, or any of it really. I just want to crawl out from under it & hide until it's all over. It's a shame that none of it can really happen without me, or that might have been a possibility. I guess I'm stuck facing my fears... & trying not to break under the almighty pressure.

Tomorrow is the only day I have really been looking forward to something. Tomorrow I find out if I'm going to be the Mother of a baby girl or boy & I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!

I honestly never thought I could be a Mum, & now here I am - gushing over onesies & longing for the money to buy my baby anything & everything I see on the shelves. It's the best feeling in the world. Especially knowing that I have the world's most devoted, loving fiancée by my side to be a part of our baby's life with me. Not very many young Mum's have that, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

A Hard Day's Night (with Instagram)

The Good Old Days

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Our Own Place

 I can't wait until we have our own space. It's been so long since we've had somewhere we could actually call our own. Not that I mind being here at my Mum's but sometimes I miss having a closet to hang my clothes in & a bed to curl up on.I miss being able to do laundry on my own time & the privacy of doors. I'd give anything to have that again.

Hopefully Shaun can get this job situated so that we can start saving for an apartment. We've been living off of other people for too long. It's time we started taking care of ourselves. If we can get a place, we can finally start our lives together. Thankfully, with Delynn giving us all this furniture we won't have to get much together to make our space feel like a home. I'm honestly more excited to move than I've ever been, because I know that everything will be hanging for the best & our baby will be coming home to a real home. Something Shaun & I haven't had in a long time.

Another Day with Instagram

A Break

 I just need a break. A long vacation with absolutely no siblings, no noise, & no communication from the outside world. That would be pure bliss. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the real world with my obnoxious little sisters bickering at each other non stop, stressing about finding work, finding an apartment, sending off for my passport, coming up with the money to afford my passport, sorting out medicaid paperwork & sending that off, & the joy of standing by the freeway one again to afford bus fare. I fucking LOVE my life.

It would be so much easier if I had somebody hired to cater to my every need. Then I could relax all day with Shaun & my only worry would be keeping myself & the baby healthy. If I could live like that, I'd become incredibly lazy. In fact, with as restless as I've been the past few weeks, I don't think I could handle that. I like being progressive. I like getting things done & having a good reason to be proud of my achievements. I couldn't enjoy that if I were to sit on my arse all day.

Speaking of being progressive, I have actually gotten some laundry done today. Not only that, but I helped Shaun with the kitchen & I tidied both the living room & the library. A feat I usually wouldn't have the energy for. Despite the depression, the past couple days I've had a lot more motivation to get things done. It's probably due to the fact that we have wasted too much time. We'll be on the brink of homelessness again if we don't start working harder. Shaun absolutely has to find work, or by the time Mum has to move, we'll be out on the streets again unless by some miracle they can afford a slightly bigger house to accommodate us.

I don't know how on earth we're going to manage. All I know is that as long as we have each other, we'll be okay. We always are in the end. Wish us luck!

My Sister's Incredible Bedroom

 I have always admired my Mum's decorating skills, but I never imagined that her eye for interior design could come up with something this incredible! And this is only one of the rooms that she's decorated for my siblings. Erin & Joshua also have dream bedrooms - something I would have killed for when I was a kid! One thing I know for sure... I am DEFINITELY having my Mum design the Gremlin's nursery.

Gifts from Grandma

These onesies are just so cute! Mum took me out yesterday after orientation for my GED to get something for the little Gremlin. Now we just have to pray that we're right about the gender, considering we don't find out until next week!

The doctor's appointment on Tuesday went well. We got to listen to the baby's heartbeat again, which is getting more distinct every time. I've been feeling him/or her move so much more lately too! It's getting stronger every day & half the time it's hard to concentrate with all that movement going on in there. I can't imagine what it'll be like once the baby is bigger!

Well, it's only one week until we find out if we're having an Ivy or a Liam. I know what we're hoping for, but either way... it's our baby & boy or girl, it'll get just as much love :D

Goals for July

Start practicing Yoga to help my muscles stretch out

Put 110% into my work

Make the most out of the time I have to spend with Shaun

Show gratitude towards everyone who has helped me

Learn to appreciate what I have & what people do for me

Take five minutes a day to breathe & remember my goals

Make an effort to get dressed every day & take pride in my appearance

Spend time with the people that matter most 

Listen to my body & pay attention to what the baby needs

Enjoy the little things