You're Everything

 I don't know what to think right now... Shaun's a part of my life again, & although I knew he always would be... I don't think I was ready to fall back into our old patterns so quickly. He might be my best friend, but anyone can see that there's much more of a connection there than just friends. Especially on my part. Anyone with eyes can see that I fell head over heels for that boy. It's a shame that not many people can see that he doesn't entirely return my feelings.

 Even though he's a part of my life again, it still feels like he isn't entirely there. I know that he lost a part of himself somewhere along the way, & although so many things I love about him are still there, the part I loved most is gone. It makes me sad... to see the best part of my blue eyed devil fade away. He's probably the most incredible person I've ever met. He's absolutely brilliant. He's the world's best con artist, & without a doubt, the world's best pick up artist. Even though I've learned a lot, it never ceases to amaze me how well he wraps the world around his finger. Even after all the bullshit... I'm still wrapped around it. I've never fallen so fast, or so easily & never cared whether or not someone was going to be there to catch me. 

I wish I had more control. That boy drives me crazy, in the best & worst way. He gives me something to fight for, yet he began the war we're fighting in. Every day I face a new opponent, but he's always the one I have to face at the end of the day. Some nights I'll go to bed broken & bleeding, afraid of what comes next. Other nights I'll go to bed stronger than before, with an ounce of faith that I'll overcome my weaknesses & make the right choice... & then there are those nights that I'll fall asleep in his arms, & it's as if the war has ended. Just for a moment. I might be vulnerable, but I'll hold onto that moment for all it's worth.

I know that one day this will all be worth it. One day something wonderful will happen, & I will heal. I just wish I knew when... it's silly really. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down.