Getting over chicken pox with my best friend & my little sister. Those were some good days <3
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Who Am I?
These past few months I have made so many dramatic changes, it's almost difficult to remember who I am & who I've been striving to be. I'll look back & see this miserable insecure teenage girl who had absolutely no direction & no purpose to her life whatsoever, & she almost seems like a stranger. I look in the mirror & I can't tell you how long it's been since the last time I saw her staring back at me. I guess it's because I'm doing something right, or maybe she got lost somewhere along the way but regardless of what happened to her... regardless of the things she had that I didn't, or the innocence she carried that I lost a long long time ago... I don't miss her.
I mean sure, there are things about her that I miss. I miss being wanted by the ones that I wanted too. I miss feeling like there was so much to my life when at the time, there really wasn't anything to my life at all. The world just seemed so small & I felt so big & powerful that I forgot for a long time that there were billions of other people out there living the same life as me. Making the same mistakes & learning in many of the same ways. Now I'm beginning to realize there's much more to life than I thought, & there is so much more to people. People are cold, & bitter & angry & miserable. People are selfish, & jealous & proud. Then there's those few that are absolutely incredible, & reliable & strong. They walk into your life when you least expect it & they turn the world right side up again. They remind you how it feels to be happy, & suddenly you can live as if for the first time.
I try not to look to the past too often, but when i do I like to do it to learn something, or to remind myself that even though times are tough, if I've made it this far I can make it all the way. The past is full of lessons, & I'm grateful for everything I've been through because it made me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. It's given me the opportunity to live an entirely different life, & I love it. I love my life, I love the people in it. I love the opportunities I've had through the changes I've made, & I love the experiences I've had. Nobody is luckier than me, & even though everything is crashing down around me right now & around the people that I care about... we'll make it through this. We have each other, & ultimately that makes us even stronger.
I mean sure, there are things about her that I miss. I miss being wanted by the ones that I wanted too. I miss feeling like there was so much to my life when at the time, there really wasn't anything to my life at all. The world just seemed so small & I felt so big & powerful that I forgot for a long time that there were billions of other people out there living the same life as me. Making the same mistakes & learning in many of the same ways. Now I'm beginning to realize there's much more to life than I thought, & there is so much more to people. People are cold, & bitter & angry & miserable. People are selfish, & jealous & proud. Then there's those few that are absolutely incredible, & reliable & strong. They walk into your life when you least expect it & they turn the world right side up again. They remind you how it feels to be happy, & suddenly you can live as if for the first time.
I try not to look to the past too often, but when i do I like to do it to learn something, or to remind myself that even though times are tough, if I've made it this far I can make it all the way. The past is full of lessons, & I'm grateful for everything I've been through because it made me so much stronger than I ever thought possible. It's given me the opportunity to live an entirely different life, & I love it. I love my life, I love the people in it. I love the opportunities I've had through the changes I've made, & I love the experiences I've had. Nobody is luckier than me, & even though everything is crashing down around me right now & around the people that I care about... we'll make it through this. We have each other, & ultimately that makes us even stronger.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Holiday Photography Special!
Looking to get some Holiday photos done to send out to your family & friends? From now until Christmas, book with me for $50 - any style shoot! That means engagements, family, maternity, bridals, & anything else you can possibly think of! Call or text me at (801) 657-1625 to schedule your shoot!
Some Things I'm Thankful For...
"The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see."
With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I just thought I should share with you all some things that I'm grateful for. Being raised in England, Thanksgiving has never been very important to me as it isn't celebrated over there. Yeah, I've always appreciated the good food & good company, but I preferred the idea of a day being celebrated out of gratitude. Sadly, that doesn't play as much of a part in the Holiday these days as it should, but I'd still like to take a minute to be grateful & to share that gratitude with you all. (Keep in mind, these aren't in order of importance - just to be clear!)
#1 My daughter, Ivy Rose Bills. Nobody has ever made this much of an incredible impact on my life or changed me in so many ways. She isn't even here yet, & she's helped me become a better, stronger, smarter, happier person. She's my reason for fighting every day, & she will be the key to my success because she is my motivation. Everything I am is thanks to my baby girl, & I wouldn't have it any other way.
#2 My family. The ones that were there from the beginning, & the ones that I've gained through Shaun & Ivy. I've never felt more love from so many people in my life, & the support & encouragement I have received these past few months has been incredible. I don't know where I'd be without them, but they are everything to me & I couldn't be more grateful for their presence in my life.
#3 My home. For the first time in over two years, I have a stable place to live where I don't have to worry about rent, deadlines, obnoxious roommates, exposure to drugs, or being kicked out. I'm not afraid for my daughter to live under this roof because I'm lucky enough to be living with somebody who cares a great deal for the both of us & would do anything to ensure our safety & security. That is more than I ever thought possible even two months ago, let alone two years.
#4 My friends. Even though over the past two years I have lost & gained many many friends, there are a few that have stuck with me through it all, both old & new. Eryka Watson has been like a sister to me & has probably remained my most genuinely faithful friend for as long as I've known her. Scott Watson, even though we aren't in contact these days he has been my friend for as long as I can remember & to this day does not judge me or criticize me for my decisions or my lifestyle & is probably one of the most decent guys out there these days. Nacho & Chantell, for keeping a roof over my head & helping me keep it together while the world was falling to pieces around me. For keeping my phone on & being patient with me as I struggle to find work to pay for it. For putting up with more than I could ever ask for from anyone, & for being good friends to somebody who unfortunately was less than deserving, but will one day look back & appreciate it for all it was worth. And last but not least, my obnoxiously loving cousin Kimmie. That girl keeps me grounded, & has been such a dedicated friend these past years, & especially this past couple months. I don't know what I would do without any of these incredible people in my life, but I've so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of them that I just can't contain it!
#5 My iPhone 4. Yes, I'm grateful for my cell phone, but it's my source of sanity & I don't know what I would do if it hadn't been invented. It has become my greatest means of communication with the outside world & will continue to serve me well while I slowly become a recluse & embark on this new journey as a single Mum. Goodbye fair world, I shall miss you!
#6 Holding Out Help. They have been without a doubt, one of the biggest sources of support & encouragement in my life & throughout the past year have shown an incredible amount of faith in me when I wouldn't have believed that I deserved it. They've played a huge part in the woman I've become & I know that they'll play a big part in my daughters life as well. We are both so so lucky for their presence in our life & I will always consider them family, no matter where life may take me. You couldn't find more honorable people if you tried.
#7 The Adventure Church food bank. They're provided me with such a large abundance of food since the beginning of the summer & have continued to do so, even though I have lacked consistency with my appointments & haven't always been able to show up when I promised to. They're incredible people, & their mission is more than honorable. I'm so so grateful for their presence in my life every other week. It is greatly appreciated, & so is the food they pile me up with to take home!
#8 My Mum. I know I already mentioned family, but my Mum has loved me through everything... no matter what I've said or done, she's just loved me even more & continued to have faith in me even when I didn't deserve it. She's supported me & encouraged me, & even though I've broken her heart countless times & put her in some awful situations that we were lucky enough to climb out of, she's still shown me more love & devotion than I could have asked for. That woman is an inspiration to me, & I can't wait for her influence in my daughters life as well. She is without a doubt, my best friend. I am more grateful for her than she will ever ever know. I love you Mum.
#9 My health. Even though I've spent a great deal of time on the streets, living in a car, a truck, a tent, on couches & on floors, standing by the freeway just to get enough money for a cheeseburger & hitchhiking from different states, I've managed to stay in surprisingly good health. My pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly & I've been lucky enough to avoid some miserable aspects of it. Ivy is more than healthy (as of yesterday the Midwife says she probably weighs in at about 6 & a half pounds!), & I'm surprisingly positive about the future. I'm grateful for every night that turns into a brand new day & for a healthy heart, healthy lungs, a healthy mind & a healthy body. I'm one lucky girl.
#10 Shaun. Even though my experiences with him were absolutely heartbreaking, & I endured the lowest levels of betrayal that I could possibly endure... I learned so much from him. I learned the reality of love. I learned what a relationship should be. What a family should be. I learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed, & I learned what it means to suffer real loss. I not only lost somebody that I really, truly loved... but I lost my security & my peace of mind. I lost trust in people, & I lost faith in the world & in myself. But thanks to my daughter, I found the strength to walk away & to fight for it all back. I may not be waiting for him to come crawling back, promising he'll make things right because I know he won't... but I've found the strength to stand on my own two feet & move on without feeling the need to rely on somebody else to make me whole. That is more than anyone could ever hope for, but if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the presence of this beautiful baby girl in my life. He gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, & although he can't be here to share it with me, at least he can live knowing that she is one accident to be proud of.
So there it is... ten things that I am grateful for this year, & will continue to be grateful for throughout the rest of my life. I hope that you're thinking of the things in your life that you can be grateful for, & expressing that gratitude with others! Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I just thought I should share with you all some things that I'm grateful for. Being raised in England, Thanksgiving has never been very important to me as it isn't celebrated over there. Yeah, I've always appreciated the good food & good company, but I preferred the idea of a day being celebrated out of gratitude. Sadly, that doesn't play as much of a part in the Holiday these days as it should, but I'd still like to take a minute to be grateful & to share that gratitude with you all. (Keep in mind, these aren't in order of importance - just to be clear!)
#1 My daughter, Ivy Rose Bills. Nobody has ever made this much of an incredible impact on my life or changed me in so many ways. She isn't even here yet, & she's helped me become a better, stronger, smarter, happier person. She's my reason for fighting every day, & she will be the key to my success because she is my motivation. Everything I am is thanks to my baby girl, & I wouldn't have it any other way.
#2 My family. The ones that were there from the beginning, & the ones that I've gained through Shaun & Ivy. I've never felt more love from so many people in my life, & the support & encouragement I have received these past few months has been incredible. I don't know where I'd be without them, but they are everything to me & I couldn't be more grateful for their presence in my life.
#3 My home. For the first time in over two years, I have a stable place to live where I don't have to worry about rent, deadlines, obnoxious roommates, exposure to drugs, or being kicked out. I'm not afraid for my daughter to live under this roof because I'm lucky enough to be living with somebody who cares a great deal for the both of us & would do anything to ensure our safety & security. That is more than I ever thought possible even two months ago, let alone two years.
#4 My friends. Even though over the past two years I have lost & gained many many friends, there are a few that have stuck with me through it all, both old & new. Eryka Watson has been like a sister to me & has probably remained my most genuinely faithful friend for as long as I've known her. Scott Watson, even though we aren't in contact these days he has been my friend for as long as I can remember & to this day does not judge me or criticize me for my decisions or my lifestyle & is probably one of the most decent guys out there these days. Nacho & Chantell, for keeping a roof over my head & helping me keep it together while the world was falling to pieces around me. For keeping my phone on & being patient with me as I struggle to find work to pay for it. For putting up with more than I could ever ask for from anyone, & for being good friends to somebody who unfortunately was less than deserving, but will one day look back & appreciate it for all it was worth. And last but not least, my obnoxiously loving cousin Kimmie. That girl keeps me grounded, & has been such a dedicated friend these past years, & especially this past couple months. I don't know what I would do without any of these incredible people in my life, but I've so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of them that I just can't contain it!
#5 My iPhone 4. Yes, I'm grateful for my cell phone, but it's my source of sanity & I don't know what I would do if it hadn't been invented. It has become my greatest means of communication with the outside world & will continue to serve me well while I slowly become a recluse & embark on this new journey as a single Mum. Goodbye fair world, I shall miss you!
#6 Holding Out Help. They have been without a doubt, one of the biggest sources of support & encouragement in my life & throughout the past year have shown an incredible amount of faith in me when I wouldn't have believed that I deserved it. They've played a huge part in the woman I've become & I know that they'll play a big part in my daughters life as well. We are both so so lucky for their presence in our life & I will always consider them family, no matter where life may take me. You couldn't find more honorable people if you tried.
#7 The Adventure Church food bank. They're provided me with such a large abundance of food since the beginning of the summer & have continued to do so, even though I have lacked consistency with my appointments & haven't always been able to show up when I promised to. They're incredible people, & their mission is more than honorable. I'm so so grateful for their presence in my life every other week. It is greatly appreciated, & so is the food they pile me up with to take home!
#8 My Mum. I know I already mentioned family, but my Mum has loved me through everything... no matter what I've said or done, she's just loved me even more & continued to have faith in me even when I didn't deserve it. She's supported me & encouraged me, & even though I've broken her heart countless times & put her in some awful situations that we were lucky enough to climb out of, she's still shown me more love & devotion than I could have asked for. That woman is an inspiration to me, & I can't wait for her influence in my daughters life as well. She is without a doubt, my best friend. I am more grateful for her than she will ever ever know. I love you Mum.
#9 My health. Even though I've spent a great deal of time on the streets, living in a car, a truck, a tent, on couches & on floors, standing by the freeway just to get enough money for a cheeseburger & hitchhiking from different states, I've managed to stay in surprisingly good health. My pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly & I've been lucky enough to avoid some miserable aspects of it. Ivy is more than healthy (as of yesterday the Midwife says she probably weighs in at about 6 & a half pounds!), & I'm surprisingly positive about the future. I'm grateful for every night that turns into a brand new day & for a healthy heart, healthy lungs, a healthy mind & a healthy body. I'm one lucky girl.
#10 Shaun. Even though my experiences with him were absolutely heartbreaking, & I endured the lowest levels of betrayal that I could possibly endure... I learned so much from him. I learned the reality of love. I learned what a relationship should be. What a family should be. I learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed, & I learned what it means to suffer real loss. I not only lost somebody that I really, truly loved... but I lost my security & my peace of mind. I lost trust in people, & I lost faith in the world & in myself. But thanks to my daughter, I found the strength to walk away & to fight for it all back. I may not be waiting for him to come crawling back, promising he'll make things right because I know he won't... but I've found the strength to stand on my own two feet & move on without feeling the need to rely on somebody else to make me whole. That is more than anyone could ever hope for, but if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the presence of this beautiful baby girl in my life. He gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, & although he can't be here to share it with me, at least he can live knowing that she is one accident to be proud of.
So there it is... ten things that I am grateful for this year, & will continue to be grateful for throughout the rest of my life. I hope that you're thinking of the things in your life that you can be grateful for, & expressing that gratitude with others! Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
Forgiven, Not Forgotten
"One day when they realize how much you were actually there for them, they'll look around & notice that you're gone."
It's strange to think how easy it's gotten over the past week to move on. It's almost as if I was never in love with him in the first place, even though I know damn well that I still am. I've just realized that I don't have to be with anybody to move on with my life. I can be happy on my own, simply because I choose to be. I can't afford to let anybody else determine how I feel when I need to be strong for my baby girl. I'm the only one that is responsible for the quality of my life, & if I allow myself to be miserable I'm allowing everything in my life to have a similar effect over me. I don't have to fall out of love or fall in love with anyone else to be a stronger, happier person. I just need to continue to make smart decisions that will ultimately lead to mine & Ivy's happiness & success.
It isn't easy to forgive somebody after they've wronged you over & over again in ways you would never have thought possible... but I have. I've forgiven him because if I don't, I'd still be tied to him emotionally because I'd be allowing the pain & the anger to eat at me until it consumed me entirely. Ivy's far too precious & far too innocent to expose to so much negativity. I've forgiven him for her, but I'll never forget. The trust I once had in him was lost. He could fight as much as he wanted, & even though he COULD change & he COULD turn his life around & be the Father I know he's capable of being... he won't. It doesn't mean enough to him, & it obviously never did or he would have stayed & continued to fight to ensure that our daughter never had to experience the loss & the trauma that her older brother has already lived through at such a young age. He may "love" me & he may "love" our daughter, but at this point in time I'm not sure he has any idea what it really does mean to love somebody. Love isn't something you give up on or walk out on because times get hard & things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. Love is something you fight for. Something you work at every day. Something you never ever let go of no matter how much it hurts.
I haven't let go of my feelings towards him. They'll always be there, but those feelings are only ever intended for the man I thought he was. The man I know he could be... not the selfish little boy he turned out to be. I can't wait for somebody that doesn't exist. Ivy deserves a Father, & I deserve somebody who will fight for me & support me in my mission. Not somebody that will hold me back from living my life to the fullest & raising my daughter to be strong & happy. Nobody is worth that to me, even somebody that I was more than willing to dedicate my heart to over & over again if only they deserved it. I would have always been there for him, but he didn't want it badly enough to stay. I'm not pushing pause on my life for somebody that lives theirs in fast forward. Ivy deserves more from me than that, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her.
It's strange to think how easy it's gotten over the past week to move on. It's almost as if I was never in love with him in the first place, even though I know damn well that I still am. I've just realized that I don't have to be with anybody to move on with my life. I can be happy on my own, simply because I choose to be. I can't afford to let anybody else determine how I feel when I need to be strong for my baby girl. I'm the only one that is responsible for the quality of my life, & if I allow myself to be miserable I'm allowing everything in my life to have a similar effect over me. I don't have to fall out of love or fall in love with anyone else to be a stronger, happier person. I just need to continue to make smart decisions that will ultimately lead to mine & Ivy's happiness & success.
It isn't easy to forgive somebody after they've wronged you over & over again in ways you would never have thought possible... but I have. I've forgiven him because if I don't, I'd still be tied to him emotionally because I'd be allowing the pain & the anger to eat at me until it consumed me entirely. Ivy's far too precious & far too innocent to expose to so much negativity. I've forgiven him for her, but I'll never forget. The trust I once had in him was lost. He could fight as much as he wanted, & even though he COULD change & he COULD turn his life around & be the Father I know he's capable of being... he won't. It doesn't mean enough to him, & it obviously never did or he would have stayed & continued to fight to ensure that our daughter never had to experience the loss & the trauma that her older brother has already lived through at such a young age. He may "love" me & he may "love" our daughter, but at this point in time I'm not sure he has any idea what it really does mean to love somebody. Love isn't something you give up on or walk out on because times get hard & things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. Love is something you fight for. Something you work at every day. Something you never ever let go of no matter how much it hurts.
I haven't let go of my feelings towards him. They'll always be there, but those feelings are only ever intended for the man I thought he was. The man I know he could be... not the selfish little boy he turned out to be. I can't wait for somebody that doesn't exist. Ivy deserves a Father, & I deserve somebody who will fight for me & support me in my mission. Not somebody that will hold me back from living my life to the fullest & raising my daughter to be strong & happy. Nobody is worth that to me, even somebody that I was more than willing to dedicate my heart to over & over again if only they deserved it. I would have always been there for him, but he didn't want it badly enough to stay. I'm not pushing pause on my life for somebody that lives theirs in fast forward. Ivy deserves more from me than that, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her.
Baby Steps to a Better You
Here are a few tips that have really helped me progress this past year, & even more so the past couple months! I just had to share them with you, & hopefully they'll help you just as much as they have helped me. Just be sure to keep an open mind & not only read them, but apply them. Best of luck!
#1 Realize that the only person in charge of my life is ME. I am accountable for the quality of my life, & no one else.
#2 Search for the facts & look at things as they are, then create a new vision by seeing things as I'd like them to be so that I can learn to improve them.
#3 Eliminate my excuses because (A) nobody wants to hear them & (b) all they do is slow me down & prevent me from accomplishing anything.
#4 Acknowledge that blaming stems from denial & doesn't accomplish anything because no matter what, blaming won't change my circumstances.
#5 Realize that I can change practically anything & everything by doing or thinking something different. Understand that it's not what happens to me. It's how I respond to it that matters, & how I do that is up to me.
#6 When I ask a different question, I will trigger a different response which ultimately creates a different outcome.
#7 Remember that results don't lie. The easiest way to find out if something isn't working is to pay attention to the outcomes I'm getting.
#8 Pay attention to alerts/signals that I'm getting from other people or my intuition. These are often signs that can help me from preventing unwanted consequences later on.
#9 Keep in mind that I have all the tools I need to get the results I want.
#1 Realize that the only person in charge of my life is ME. I am accountable for the quality of my life, & no one else.
#2 Search for the facts & look at things as they are, then create a new vision by seeing things as I'd like them to be so that I can learn to improve them.
#3 Eliminate my excuses because (A) nobody wants to hear them & (b) all they do is slow me down & prevent me from accomplishing anything.
#4 Acknowledge that blaming stems from denial & doesn't accomplish anything because no matter what, blaming won't change my circumstances.
#5 Realize that I can change practically anything & everything by doing or thinking something different. Understand that it's not what happens to me. It's how I respond to it that matters, & how I do that is up to me.
#6 When I ask a different question, I will trigger a different response which ultimately creates a different outcome.
#7 Remember that results don't lie. The easiest way to find out if something isn't working is to pay attention to the outcomes I'm getting.
#8 Pay attention to alerts/signals that I'm getting from other people or my intuition. These are often signs that can help me from preventing unwanted consequences later on.
#9 Keep in mind that I have all the tools I need to get the results I want.
Monday, November 19, 2012
What He Did RIGHT
"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."
Despite everything I've been through this past year as well as these past couple months, I am surprisingly positive about the future. I not only have an INCREDIBLE support system that has been behind me all the way in every decision that I've made, but I have a roof over my head with somebody that loves me & my daughter enough to help provide me with the tools I need to rely on & provide for myself. I have the birth of my baby girl to look forward to & I have the entire world waiting for me. I just have to take the first step, make the first move & let go of all the bullshit I've been holding onto for so damn long.
Being with Shaun taught me a lot. It taught me a lot about myself & about the people that I love. Our relationship helped me to realize who is genuine & who is fake, who is lying & who will always be honest with me, who really loves me & who will never love me enough... & the things that matter the most & the things that in the end turn out to be absolutely meaningless. He taught me how to be selfless in a roundabout way, & for the first time in my life I'm prepared to put the right people before myself & push the wrong people out of the picture entirely. Unfortunately, Shaun wasn't the one. I sincerely thought he was... the one who would love me & our daughter forever. The one that would fight for me even when it seemed like there was nothing to fight for anymore... but he couldn't even fight when he had all the right cards in his hand. I didn't mean enough to fight for, & neither did Ivy Rose. What he doesn't seem to understand is that regardless of my love for him, I've moved on. I may always love him, but not enough to allow myself to hurt over him again & not enough to allow him to hurt our daughter. I don't need a man (or a woman) to make me happy or to help me raise our Ivy. I have an incredible family that has grown in size thanks to his temporary presence in my life & I have some of the most faithful friends anyone could ever ask for. Anybody who says that my baby girl needs a Father obviously hasn't met me, because I'm strong enough to make up for his absence.
Now that Shaun is out of the picture, I can finally focus on moving forward with my life. I can finally do what is necessary to take care of our daughter & I am finally strong enough to know when I've had enough. There's nothing anybody could say or do to convince me to allow him back into my life at this point. He's had plenty of opportunities to change, & even though every day that he wakes up alive & breathing is a sign that life is granting him the opportunity to do things right this time around, that will never be enough to push him to change. People don't mean enough to him... even the ones that should. He doesn't mean enough to himself. He relies on excuses to be happy or to justify his misery, but he has had more than enough excuses to be happy & to change. He just doesn't care to, & I can't allow somebody like that into mine & my daughters life. I'll always love him, & I will never raise Ivy to have any hatred or anger towards him but if she chooses to develop those feelings on her own because he made the decision to be absent, he is the only one that is at fault. He is perfectly capable of changing, but until he does I will NOT take any more chances on him.
I have to be clear on one thing before I go... I don't regret falling in love with him. I don't regret the time I had with him or the beautiful baby girl we created together. I do regret allowing him to take advantage of so many people I love & to betray me & lie to me again & again when deep down, I knew the truth. I just didn't want to believe it. I am grateful for the influence he had in my life, because it truly changed me for the better. Even though every time I took one step forward, it was as if he had taken ten steps back... at least he did a few things right.
#1 Signing his son over to somebody who was more than willing to take responsibility for him.
#2 Helping me create this beautiful, innocent baby girl.
#3 Leaving & opening my eyes to the person he truly is & always will be.
It's sad that his children will never mean enough to him to help him change. It's sad that even though he loves me, it'll never be enough to fight for me or make the better decisions necessary to be with me... but in a way, everything ultimately happened for the best. Everybody is finally starting to see his true colors, & everyone is finally moving on because he's given them one too many reasons why he isn't worth holding on to or believing in. Maybe one day something will hit him hard enough to help him see all the damage he's caused & maybe somebody will be able to show him what it will take to make things right again, but that can never be me because in the end it would only ever hurt Ivy. My daughter means more to me than anyone else ever could, & regardless of any feelings I may have had for him, it'll never be enough to put her at risk of getting hurt. That's something he may never understand, but at this point it should be the least of his worries because now all he has become in my life is a shadow. A memory of good & bad times, & a constant reminder to continue fighting because he never would. Ivy deserves that much.
Despite everything I've been through this past year as well as these past couple months, I am surprisingly positive about the future. I not only have an INCREDIBLE support system that has been behind me all the way in every decision that I've made, but I have a roof over my head with somebody that loves me & my daughter enough to help provide me with the tools I need to rely on & provide for myself. I have the birth of my baby girl to look forward to & I have the entire world waiting for me. I just have to take the first step, make the first move & let go of all the bullshit I've been holding onto for so damn long.
Being with Shaun taught me a lot. It taught me a lot about myself & about the people that I love. Our relationship helped me to realize who is genuine & who is fake, who is lying & who will always be honest with me, who really loves me & who will never love me enough... & the things that matter the most & the things that in the end turn out to be absolutely meaningless. He taught me how to be selfless in a roundabout way, & for the first time in my life I'm prepared to put the right people before myself & push the wrong people out of the picture entirely. Unfortunately, Shaun wasn't the one. I sincerely thought he was... the one who would love me & our daughter forever. The one that would fight for me even when it seemed like there was nothing to fight for anymore... but he couldn't even fight when he had all the right cards in his hand. I didn't mean enough to fight for, & neither did Ivy Rose. What he doesn't seem to understand is that regardless of my love for him, I've moved on. I may always love him, but not enough to allow myself to hurt over him again & not enough to allow him to hurt our daughter. I don't need a man (or a woman) to make me happy or to help me raise our Ivy. I have an incredible family that has grown in size thanks to his temporary presence in my life & I have some of the most faithful friends anyone could ever ask for. Anybody who says that my baby girl needs a Father obviously hasn't met me, because I'm strong enough to make up for his absence.
Now that Shaun is out of the picture, I can finally focus on moving forward with my life. I can finally do what is necessary to take care of our daughter & I am finally strong enough to know when I've had enough. There's nothing anybody could say or do to convince me to allow him back into my life at this point. He's had plenty of opportunities to change, & even though every day that he wakes up alive & breathing is a sign that life is granting him the opportunity to do things right this time around, that will never be enough to push him to change. People don't mean enough to him... even the ones that should. He doesn't mean enough to himself. He relies on excuses to be happy or to justify his misery, but he has had more than enough excuses to be happy & to change. He just doesn't care to, & I can't allow somebody like that into mine & my daughters life. I'll always love him, & I will never raise Ivy to have any hatred or anger towards him but if she chooses to develop those feelings on her own because he made the decision to be absent, he is the only one that is at fault. He is perfectly capable of changing, but until he does I will NOT take any more chances on him.
I have to be clear on one thing before I go... I don't regret falling in love with him. I don't regret the time I had with him or the beautiful baby girl we created together. I do regret allowing him to take advantage of so many people I love & to betray me & lie to me again & again when deep down, I knew the truth. I just didn't want to believe it. I am grateful for the influence he had in my life, because it truly changed me for the better. Even though every time I took one step forward, it was as if he had taken ten steps back... at least he did a few things right.
#1 Signing his son over to somebody who was more than willing to take responsibility for him.
#2 Helping me create this beautiful, innocent baby girl.
#3 Leaving & opening my eyes to the person he truly is & always will be.
It's sad that his children will never mean enough to him to help him change. It's sad that even though he loves me, it'll never be enough to fight for me or make the better decisions necessary to be with me... but in a way, everything ultimately happened for the best. Everybody is finally starting to see his true colors, & everyone is finally moving on because he's given them one too many reasons why he isn't worth holding on to or believing in. Maybe one day something will hit him hard enough to help him see all the damage he's caused & maybe somebody will be able to show him what it will take to make things right again, but that can never be me because in the end it would only ever hurt Ivy. My daughter means more to me than anyone else ever could, & regardless of any feelings I may have had for him, it'll never be enough to put her at risk of getting hurt. That's something he may never understand, but at this point it should be the least of his worries because now all he has become in my life is a shadow. A memory of good & bad times, & a constant reminder to continue fighting because he never would. Ivy deserves that much.
None of His Concern
It's been a while since I've really written about anything in particular... so much has been happening, & so much has been weighing on my mind that it's been difficult to stay focused. After so much hurt & so much betrayal, it's been a struggle to keep it together. Luckily I've had so many incredible people behind me in everything I do, so I must be doing something right these days. I guess fighting to be a better person really does pay off in the end.
After everything that had happened between Shaun & I, I didn't think I would suffer anymore or that it was even possible to be betrayed yet again now that he is out of my life, but I was wrong. He stole something... something very precious to me & to my family. For days I was struggling to keep my head on straight. I didn't want to hurt anymore, & even though it was irreplaceable, I promised myself I would be happy regardless. It was too soon to Ivy's arrival to be breaking down again. Then... a miracle happened. Somehow we were lucky enough to find that the thing he has stolen from us was already back safe & sound by his own hand. Now it doesn't change the fact that it was stolen, or that he had the audacity to lie about it to me. But it's back in the hands of it's rightful owner... just like it never left, & I couldn't be more grateful.
I guess it does really hurt to know that he not only stole from me, but the people that I care about so much. He sought out something that meant more to me than money ever could, & had every intention of selling it & pocketing the money as if it had never existed in the first place. I don't know what my Mum said or did that night, but whatever it was, I truly believed it softened his heart enough to give it back to me.
Shaun may never admit that he stole it, & if he doesn't that's okay because I'll still know the truth... he may never be honest about anything to me really. But that's his loss, because there is no place in mine or Ivy's life for dishonesty. Regardless of whether he's her Father or not. That is a title that is earned. Just because his blood runs through her veins does NOT mean he has any right to call himself her Dad or pretend that he is even capable of being a decent one. I love him with all my heart, but I deserve better than what he's given me. We have some good memories, but all the lies & betrayal have almost canceled it all out... I've moved on, & one day I'll find somebody that really cares about being the person I deserve. I may not ever find somebody that I could bear to be with, but I know that somewhere there is somebody who deserves me. Shaun had his chance, & he still has the opportunity to change & live the life that will ultimately make him happy, but I'm not waiting for him. If I held my breath, I'd suffocate. Ivy doesn't need a Father, & I don't need a man to be happy. He may never understand that, but at this point it's none of his concern regardless.
After everything that had happened between Shaun & I, I didn't think I would suffer anymore or that it was even possible to be betrayed yet again now that he is out of my life, but I was wrong. He stole something... something very precious to me & to my family. For days I was struggling to keep my head on straight. I didn't want to hurt anymore, & even though it was irreplaceable, I promised myself I would be happy regardless. It was too soon to Ivy's arrival to be breaking down again. Then... a miracle happened. Somehow we were lucky enough to find that the thing he has stolen from us was already back safe & sound by his own hand. Now it doesn't change the fact that it was stolen, or that he had the audacity to lie about it to me. But it's back in the hands of it's rightful owner... just like it never left, & I couldn't be more grateful.
I guess it does really hurt to know that he not only stole from me, but the people that I care about so much. He sought out something that meant more to me than money ever could, & had every intention of selling it & pocketing the money as if it had never existed in the first place. I don't know what my Mum said or did that night, but whatever it was, I truly believed it softened his heart enough to give it back to me.
Shaun may never admit that he stole it, & if he doesn't that's okay because I'll still know the truth... he may never be honest about anything to me really. But that's his loss, because there is no place in mine or Ivy's life for dishonesty. Regardless of whether he's her Father or not. That is a title that is earned. Just because his blood runs through her veins does NOT mean he has any right to call himself her Dad or pretend that he is even capable of being a decent one. I love him with all my heart, but I deserve better than what he's given me. We have some good memories, but all the lies & betrayal have almost canceled it all out... I've moved on, & one day I'll find somebody that really cares about being the person I deserve. I may not ever find somebody that I could bear to be with, but I know that somewhere there is somebody who deserves me. Shaun had his chance, & he still has the opportunity to change & live the life that will ultimately make him happy, but I'm not waiting for him. If I held my breath, I'd suffocate. Ivy doesn't need a Father, & I don't need a man to be happy. He may never understand that, but at this point it's none of his concern regardless.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Don't Let it Consume You
Hate is a nasty thing... But so is regret. Even more so in many ways. I don't regret loving Shaun, but I regret allowing him to treat me with such disrespect & dishonesty while he took advantage of those around us at the same time. I regret giving him another chance, because losing him once again after he assured me he would change for our daughter almost fucking broke me down. I've been fighting for so long to make him happy, but he doesn't want to be. Nothing I say or do will change that.
Friday, November 2, 2012
My Heart Belongs to You
I'm falling apart, & I'm watching my whole world fall with me. Everything is so wrong... we should be happy together. We should be a family for our daughter, & instead we're struggling to keep it all together regardless of what we're fighting for. I'm afraid that we're just too broken to be fixed again... the only glue that has been holding us together this long is our sweet little Ivy Rose, but what if that isn't enough? What if our love for her isn't enough to keep us together... the thought alone breaks my heart. Her Daddy means the world to me & he's the only one other than her that will ever hold my heart. He's the only one I ever want to be with... to lose him because we can't sort out our problems anymore would kill me.
I know I have to keep it together for our baby. I know I need to stay strong & push past the bullshit... but it just blows up in my face no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try, somehow I'm making things worse. I love Shaun so much, & I'd give anything to make this work but it breaks my heart that when I try to do the right thing... when I try to make the smart decision... I'm only upsetting him or the other people that I care about. Where do I go from here? I want so badly to escape from it all... but I can't run away from my problems. I can't run away when I have a child to take care of. I envy her Father, because he's free to run & disappear when he pleases & I'm the one left standing in the dust.
I love him so much, & I want to believe that he wants this. I want to believe that we can be a family for Ivy. The family that she deserves... but when he's becoming more & more distant & I'm left here to wonder if we're ever going to work out or even if we're still together... what am I supposed to do? Everything he told me when he came back has been canceled out by everything he's done the past few days & it's breaking my heart. Why am I not worth the fight? Why isn't Ivy? I just need to know where to go from here... because my heart belongs to him & I can't let that go all over again.
I know I have to keep it together for our baby. I know I need to stay strong & push past the bullshit... but it just blows up in my face no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try, somehow I'm making things worse. I love Shaun so much, & I'd give anything to make this work but it breaks my heart that when I try to do the right thing... when I try to make the smart decision... I'm only upsetting him or the other people that I care about. Where do I go from here? I want so badly to escape from it all... but I can't run away from my problems. I can't run away when I have a child to take care of. I envy her Father, because he's free to run & disappear when he pleases & I'm the one left standing in the dust.
I love him so much, & I want to believe that he wants this. I want to believe that we can be a family for Ivy. The family that she deserves... but when he's becoming more & more distant & I'm left here to wonder if we're ever going to work out or even if we're still together... what am I supposed to do? Everything he told me when he came back has been canceled out by everything he's done the past few days & it's breaking my heart. Why am I not worth the fight? Why isn't Ivy? I just need to know where to go from here... because my heart belongs to him & I can't let that go all over again.
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Thursday, November 1, 2012
Sunlight
Sometimes when I'm alone waiting for the trax, an overwhelming calmness comes over me. It's like I'm the only person in the entire world & as lonely as it feels, it's also somewhat liberating. I feel like there's nothing I can't do. That there's nobody I can't be... that nothing can go wrong & nobody can hurt me because I'm the only one standing here.
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Sometimes I wish I could be alone, because maybe then life would be easier. Other times, I couldn't be more grateful for the people in my life... they helped me become who I am today & thanks to them I've learned so much about life. I've grown a LOT & even though I've fallen, somebody has always been there to help me up. I can't turn my back on the world, because the world never seems to turn it's back on me.
Baby I'm Sorry...
It feels like everybody's changing with the weather... it's all like, "the skies are cloudy & miserable, so why can't we be a projection of that?" It's starting to get a little unbearable. Everything feels so empty. I just want to curl up in a ball & hibernate until my baby girl gets here so I have a reason to smile again... she's honestly already my whole world. I can't even begin to imagine how much more she'll mean to me once she's actually here in my arms.
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I hope things start looking up. I really do. It seems like everybody's down on their luck lately & as much as I wish I could help, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation. I can barely pull myself out of this hole I've been digging. I thought for a while that because I was hurting & because I was scared that I was the victim... I forgot how awful it feels to be reminded of the past & the mistakes I've been paying for all my life. I can't imagine how Shaun feels. I kept reminding him of what he did because I thought that it would remind him how much it hurt me & help him realize that it couldn't happen again, but it's almost like I'm throwing all his efforts in his face. I feel terrible, because now I could lose him all over again, but this time it would be my own fault.
I wanted so badly to be a family for Ivy. To give her a Mother AND a Father that would care for her & show her what it really means to love & be loved, & instead I threw it all away because I was too blind to see that Shaun actually WAS trying & that he actually did want to make things right. It makes me sick to imagine how I must have made him feel... but I hope he knows that I am so so proud of his efforts, & they weren't for nothing. I may still be hurting, but I have forgiven him. I may not be able to allow those things to happen again, but that doesn't mean I have to keep bringing up the past in order to move forward. I want to move on, & I want to be happy again. I want us to make each other happy, & while he's been trying every day to do that for me, I've only been bringing him down. I hope more than anything that he'll let me make things right & that we can start over again. That's what we need more than anything... a fresh start. I hope he can give me this chance, because I don't want to lose my best friend all over again. Not after how hard he's worked to bring us back together...
I hope things start looking up. I really do. It seems like everybody's down on their luck lately & as much as I wish I could help, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation. I can barely pull myself out of this hole I've been digging. I thought for a while that because I was hurting & because I was scared that I was the victim... I forgot how awful it feels to be reminded of the past & the mistakes I've been paying for all my life. I can't imagine how Shaun feels. I kept reminding him of what he did because I thought that it would remind him how much it hurt me & help him realize that it couldn't happen again, but it's almost like I'm throwing all his efforts in his face. I feel terrible, because now I could lose him all over again, but this time it would be my own fault.
I wanted so badly to be a family for Ivy. To give her a Mother AND a Father that would care for her & show her what it really means to love & be loved, & instead I threw it all away because I was too blind to see that Shaun actually WAS trying & that he actually did want to make things right. It makes me sick to imagine how I must have made him feel... but I hope he knows that I am so so proud of his efforts, & they weren't for nothing. I may still be hurting, but I have forgiven him. I may not be able to allow those things to happen again, but that doesn't mean I have to keep bringing up the past in order to move forward. I want to move on, & I want to be happy again. I want us to make each other happy, & while he's been trying every day to do that for me, I've only been bringing him down. I hope more than anything that he'll let me make things right & that we can start over again. That's what we need more than anything... a fresh start. I hope he can give me this chance, because I don't want to lose my best friend all over again. Not after how hard he's worked to bring us back together...
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