Sunlight

Sometimes when I'm alone waiting for the trax, an overwhelming calmness comes over me. It's like I'm the only person in the entire world & as lonely as it feels, it's also somewhat liberating. I feel like there's nothing I can't do. That there's nobody I can't be... that nothing can go wrong & nobody can hurt me because I'm the only one standing here. 

Sometimes I wish I could be alone, because maybe then life would be easier. Other times, I couldn't be more grateful for the people in my life... they helped me become who I am today & thanks to them I've learned so much about life. I've grown a LOT & even though I've fallen, somebody has always been there to help me up. I can't turn my back on the world, because the world never seems to turn it's back on me.

Baby I'm Sorry...

It feels like everybody's changing with the weather... it's all like, "the skies are cloudy & miserable, so why can't we be a projection of that?" It's starting to get a little unbearable. Everything feels so empty. I just want to curl up in a ball & hibernate until my baby girl gets here so I have a reason to smile again... she's honestly already my whole world. I can't even begin to imagine how much more she'll mean to me once she's actually here in my arms.

I hope things start looking up. I really do. It seems like everybody's down on their luck lately & as much as I wish I could help, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation. I can barely pull myself out of this hole I've been digging. I thought for a while that because I was hurting & because I was scared that I was the victim... I forgot how awful it feels to be reminded of the past & the mistakes I've been paying for all my life. I can't imagine how Shaun feels. I kept reminding him of what he did because I thought that it would remind him how much it hurt me & help him realize that it couldn't happen again, but it's almost like I'm throwing all his efforts in his face. I feel terrible, because now I could lose him all over again, but this time it would be my own fault.

I wanted so badly to be a family for Ivy. To give her a Mother AND a Father that would care for her & show her what it really means to love & be loved, & instead I threw it all away because I was too blind to see that Shaun actually WAS trying & that he actually did want to make things right. It makes me sick to imagine how I must have made him feel... but I hope he knows that I am so so proud of his efforts, & they weren't for nothing. I may still be hurting, but I have forgiven him. I may not be able to allow those things to happen again, but that doesn't mean I have to keep bringing up the past in order to move forward. I want to move on, & I want to be happy again. I want us to make each other happy, & while he's been trying every day to do that for me, I've only been bringing him down. I hope more than anything that he'll let me make things right & that we can start over again. That's what we need more than anything... a fresh start. I hope he can give me this chance, because I don't want to lose my best friend all over again. Not after how hard he's worked to bring us back together...

Every Life is a Pile of Good Things

It's funny how certain events that occur in a single moment can change the direction of our entire lives. Decisions that seem harmless at that point in time drastically change our future in the blink of an eye, & although some decisions can lead to a lifetime of pain & regret, some choices can prove to be the best you will ever make. Ivy was one of those events that ultimately will lead to happiness. She may have been the result of irresponsible decisions, but in the end she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's brought light into my life where I thought there would only ever be darkness. She helped me to see my potential, & helped me to realize who in my life was harming me, & who was helping me to succeed. She helped me to become a better person, & I haven't even seen her sweet little face yet! I owe her so much, because she changed my life for the better.

I may have suffered a lot of heartbreak, & I may still yet suffer... but that doesn't erase the good that she's done. That doesn't cancel out the good that has yet to come, & it certainly doesn't make my decision to keep her stupid or irresponsible. I chose to keep my child so that she could not only have a chance at life, but so that I could as well. I needed somebody to come along that would motivate me to work hard & make the necessary sacrifices that would eventually result in my happiness... & now I have somebody else's happiness to fight for: Ivy Rose. My sweet, innocent daughter. My guardian angel. She came to me when I needed somebody not only to love me, but to love in return. It may not have been in the way I had hoped for, but it was in the way that I needed. I needed somebody worthy to give my life to, & here she is. I may have lost my best friend, & many other friends along the way... I may have lost my family for a while... but she brought us together again, & maybe one day her Father will realize what he's missing & fight for her the way I have all this time.

Maybe she'll be the one who can help Shaun be a better person, the way she helped me. Maybe he just isn't ready yet... but I hope that day comes, because I want her to grow up knowing that she's his world as well as mine. That may never be the case... but at least she'll know that I've fought for her, & will continue to fight until the day I die. My Ivy Rose is worth it to me.

The First Snow

First snowfall of the season this morning - & DAYUUMMMM it's cold outside! It might already be melting, but quite honestly I am DREADING the weather that is bound to follow. I may despise summer in Utah, but the winters here are either wet & slushy, or brutally cold & unforgiving. Either way I just wish it would snow on Thanksgiving, & over Christmas - that's IT. After that, it's alright to snow if it's on my birthday & that is if it's just a light snowfall to make this horribly ugly state pretty for a few hours for my sake. It just figures that Shaun & I would have a winter baby. Lucky bastard got to be born in March, but nooooo. I had to be born in January as well as Jaxsen, & now Ivy will either be born in November or December. Oh how I pity the winter babies. I always spend my birthday in bed with a runny nose, coughing my guts up while everybody else is still celebrating the New Year. Fingers crossed that this birthday will be different!

Well, I guess one good thing about the snowfall is that it inspired my good friend to come & see me. He wanted me to take some shots of him in the snow, & of course I am more than obliged to. Any excuse to take a few photos! So after I get myself ready, I'll be catching up with him for a bit before I spend the evening with my family (which is badly needed after the unnecessary bitterness I've had towards my Mum these past couple months). I've really enjoyed making up with her & just being able to talk with her, even though it's still hard to feel entirely comfortable. She used to be my best friend, & if things continue the way they have been going the past week, I won't be surprised if we have a relationship like that again.

It'd be nice for Ivy to see that her Mother can have a relationship with her Nanny, so that she knows it's alright to have that kind of friendship with me too. In all honesty, I want her to respect me as well as come to me when she needs a friend. I want to be able to be her best friend & her protector... & as much as I wish her Father could play some sort of part in all of this, I hope that one day if he ever walks back into our lives that he'll be able to see that I've dedicated mine to taking care of our daughter & ensuring she has the best life has to offer. Then at least he'll know that she always came first... he was just too blinded by his own guilty conscience to see it.

Reflection

I think the reason why I never really recognize myself in the mirror is because I'm expecting my reflection to somewhat resemble the person I used to be. Dark hair, dark makeup, dark clothes, dark sense of humor & quite literally no soul. I had no regard for anybody's feelings, their money or the people in their lives. I had no respect, although I was quite skilled at pretending that I did. I was a fake. There was nothing there... nothing. Nothing to make me feel guilty, nothing to hold me back from getting what I wanted. I was completely heartless, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in order to realize that I'm not going to see that person in the mirror anymore.

Shaun may have been the event that changed my life, but I was the one who made the decisions that allowed him to change my life. I changed who I was... because I wanted to feel what I thought he was feeling. I wanted to be as alive inside as he seemed to be on the outside. I wanted to feel again, & I wanted to understand what it meant to really give yourself to someone... so I did. I allowed him to break through my walls & I felt my heart melt. It was overwhelming, but exhilarating. I didn't ever want it to end.

Unfortunately, even the best things do come to an end... but when I let him break me down & I began to feel again, I knew that I would never be cold. I would never be heartless or thoughtless or careless in the way I was before he came along. I liked who I had become. Even though it hurt like Hell & it sometimes got to the point that I thought it would be better to be numb, I knew that it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. Now? I may have put an end to that pain to an extent... but I'll never regret him. I'll never regret the person I became for him, & I will never ever regret loving him.

When Boredom Hits

Arghhh! Boredom & hunger have finally hit me full force! As far as I know... there's nothing on tv (although I haven't checked yet), & I've scoured the fridge, freezer, & pantry looking for something that looks somewhat edible, but unfortunately I only found Texas toast. At this point, I would kill for a Doctor Who marathon & Chinese food. Either that or a big fat juicy steak. Mmmmm... steak. Where's Peggy when I need her? I'd die a happy Momma if I had Peggy here cooking me good ol' German food. Just my luck that the roommates are asleep & I'm up passing the time by blogging about useless nonsense & attempting to make Texas toast.

I wish I had friends that lived a little closer... or a car with a full tank of gas. I'm going completely stir crazy sitting around here packing all damn day. I just want to get the moving process over with. I'm tired of moving around from place to place constantly. I just want ONE home. Somewhere I don't have to worry about moving from for a while. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe things will change. Maybe I'll actually have a more permanent home for Ivy & I without worrying about rent or deadlines or obnoxious roommates. Somewhere that Ivy will feel safe & at home. One can only hope I guess.