We've Been Burned Baby

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I've been so convinced that I'm in the right is because I've been told that I am... Everyone tells me that I was totally justified in what I did, & maybe in a sense I was, but I can't help but question whether or not things would be okay if I hadn't left the way that I did.

I don't know if I would go back & change things, because  everyone's true thoughts & feelings towards me came out as a result of my leaving & I'm not sure I'd want to be part of a relationship or part of a family that its secretly harboring resentment towards me, even though its that way with my own... I do wish I could see things from their perspective though. I wish I could understand how they saw it so I could understand why they said the things they did.

I still don't understand what happened at the hospital, but as far as I understand it began because I chose to spend Christmas with my family to recover. In the end, that was ultimately the best decision I could have made, because if I hadn't gone to my Mum's that day & fallen down the stairs, I never would have known that I was still passing placenta. The Doctor said that if I had waited any longer to come into the E.R. I would have hemorrhaged. I was losing so much blood already, but never having had a baby before, I didn't know what was normal. I still ended up on bedrest for a while afterwards, but I don't dare think about what could have happened if I hadn't fallen down the stairs & gotten rushed to the hospital.

In all honesty, that morning was a but of a blur. I don't even remember what was said in the text I sent Shaun, & I'm sort of glad I don't... because I'm fairly sure I might have said some pretty effed up shit. I was so tired, so emotional, & so severely depressed all of a sudden that I still cringe at the way I acted towards so many people during that time. After getting diagnosed with post partum depression, my actions didn't seem so confusing anymore. Sure, depression doesn't justify them, but when the nurse told me that it can make the most irrational things seem completely rational & got me started on my prescription, it was easier to get a grip on reality & come back down to Earth.

I will admit, I'm still struggling to remember what was real, & what was just my fear of losing Ivy talking. When Shaun & Tami left the hospital & I was hounded by social workers, I was terrified somebody was going to take Ivy from me the way DCFS took Jax from Shaun & his family. Granted, his Dad has him now... But I couldn't stand the thought of my daughter being taken on by somebody I don't know worth shit. I mean, nothing against him but he is still a stranger to me & in all honesty, if he had taken responsibility for mine & Shaun's baby girl, I'm not sure if we would ever get to be her parents.

I wish I could have seen things the way I do now, then maybe I could have acted on real knowledge rather than irrational thoughts... But I can't change the past. If I could, I wouldn't have learned anything. Even though it still hurts sometimes knowing I really fucked things up, I know there was a lot more to the end of my relationship with Shaun that just that day at the hospital or that text on Christmas day. I can't dwell on the past for the rest of my life, but I'm learning from it & ultimately the experience will make me a better Mother as long as I use the future as an opportunity to change, rather than to wallow in self pity & anger towards those that were involved, because in all reality... They've been burned just as badly as I have.