Ah, but What if He is?

 I have to keep telling myself that it isn't worth it... it isn't worth putting myself through an unbelievable amount of pain for a boy who doesn't return my feelings in any way. It isn't worth sticking around, it isn't worth hanging back, & it isn't worth throwing away any chance of being happy because you're hoping that you might have another shot with him in the future & you don't want to miss it. I know I'm missing more chances by standing still, but I still want to believe that my best friend will be mine again someday, & that I'll be his baby girl again.

 

 I know I'm an idiot. Isn't it blatantly obvious? I'm pushing pause on my life for someone who's life is playing in fast forward. But love does things to us that we'll never be able to understand. It makes us crazy in the best & worst way. It helps us sleep or keeps us awake all night, & it gives us something to die for or something to live for. I know that love has made me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function. There's no way to put into words what this boy has done to my head, let alone what he's done to my heart. 

What we had in Oceanside was so perfect... I'd give anything to go back to that night on the beach. We were so happy. So in love. Everything was quiet & beautiful & it felt like we were the only two people alive. I was so content in his arms. We talked about our future like we had no worries & for that moment we forget about the rest of the world & just held each other. With the moon as our spotlight, we created the perfect love story. Why did it have to end? Why did we have to come back to Utah & lose it all?

 

I hope that one day it'll all be worth it. I hope that one day I'll be able to breathe again, & I'll feel brave enough to move forward alone. Mostly I hope that one day we'll be together again, but I can't keep hoping for something I never really had. Maybe Taylor can help me move on. Maybe she's the one who will help me find myself again. I don't really know what the future will bring, but I do know that I still love that stupid little boy with blue eyes & freckles & that he's still playing games with my heart. Not only that, but I'm letting him...