There's something about today. I might have to go to the Doctor's office, & I might have to put up with my Mother, but somehow I woke up with a big smile on my face. It's as if everything was put right in my sleep so I could wake up in my reality for once. From the moment we said goodnight, I stopped feeling numb. Maybe I need to put my walls back up, but he has a way of tearing them down again so it's really quite pointless.
He knows full well what he's doing too... I just hope he knows how fragile my heart is at this point, & I hope he takes good care of it. It's in his hands once again, & although I was reluctant to give it up at first, somehow it ended up right where it belonged from the beginning. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what it has to endure... my heart seems to know who it longs for more than I do, & I've given up on trying to control my feelings for Shaun. I don't think I even have to tell him anymore. The whole world can see it.
I just wish that he wasn't so careless with my heart before. I'll admit, I made mistakes. What he did broke me... but somehow it's okay again? I don't understand it. I don't think I want to anymore. I'm just going to let this go where it wants to. Wherever he wants to take it at this point. After everything we've been through together, & everything we've gone through alone, I don't know what else to do but trust him & trust we won't hurt each other again.
I'm really grateful that Shaun's a part of my life. I couldn't ask for a better friend, & I can honestly say I never had a better boyfriend or fiancee. I know I'm taking a big risk; falling all over again... but when you really never stopped falling, where's the risk? So I'll let go of the ledge I've been clinging to & hope that he'll be there to catch me before it hurts again.
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