Please Don't Forget to Catch Me

 There's something about today. I might have to go to the Doctor's office, & I might have to put up with my Mother, but somehow I woke up with a big smile on my face. It's as if everything was put right in my sleep so I could wake up in my reality for once. From the moment we said goodnight, I stopped feeling numb. Maybe I need to put my walls back up, but he has a way of tearing them down again so it's really quite pointless.

 He knows full well what he's doing too... I just hope he knows how fragile my heart is at this point, & I hope he takes good care of it. It's in his hands once again, & although I was reluctant to give it up at first, somehow it ended up right where it belonged from the beginning. No matter how much it hurts, no matter what it has to endure... my heart seems to know who it longs for more than I do, & I've given up on trying to control my feelings for Shaun. I don't think I even have to tell him anymore. The whole world can see it.

I just wish that he wasn't so careless with my heart before. I'll admit, I made mistakes. What he did broke me... but somehow it's okay again? I don't understand it. I don't think I want to anymore. I'm just going to let this go where it wants to. Wherever he wants to take it at this point. After everything we've been through together, & everything we've gone through alone, I don't know what else to do but trust him & trust we won't hurt each other again.

I'm really grateful that Shaun's a part of my life. I couldn't ask for a better friend, & I can honestly say I never had a better boyfriend or fiancee. I know I'm taking a big risk; falling all over again... but when you really never stopped falling, where's the risk? So I'll let go of the ledge I've been clinging to & hope that he'll be there to catch me before it hurts again.

You're Everything

 I don't know what to think right now... Shaun's a part of my life again, & although I knew he always would be... I don't think I was ready to fall back into our old patterns so quickly. He might be my best friend, but anyone can see that there's much more of a connection there than just friends. Especially on my part. Anyone with eyes can see that I fell head over heels for that boy. It's a shame that not many people can see that he doesn't entirely return my feelings.

 Even though he's a part of my life again, it still feels like he isn't entirely there. I know that he lost a part of himself somewhere along the way, & although so many things I love about him are still there, the part I loved most is gone. It makes me sad... to see the best part of my blue eyed devil fade away. He's probably the most incredible person I've ever met. He's absolutely brilliant. He's the world's best con artist, & without a doubt, the world's best pick up artist. Even though I've learned a lot, it never ceases to amaze me how well he wraps the world around his finger. Even after all the bullshit... I'm still wrapped around it. I've never fallen so fast, or so easily & never cared whether or not someone was going to be there to catch me. 

I wish I had more control. That boy drives me crazy, in the best & worst way. He gives me something to fight for, yet he began the war we're fighting in. Every day I face a new opponent, but he's always the one I have to face at the end of the day. Some nights I'll go to bed broken & bleeding, afraid of what comes next. Other nights I'll go to bed stronger than before, with an ounce of faith that I'll overcome my weaknesses & make the right choice... & then there are those nights that I'll fall asleep in his arms, & it's as if the war has ended. Just for a moment. I might be vulnerable, but I'll hold onto that moment for all it's worth.

I know that one day this will all be worth it. One day something wonderful will happen, & I will heal. I just wish I knew when... it's silly really. I thought I knew what love was... then I met Shaun, & all reason flew out the window. I took a chance knowing that once I hit the bottom it was going to hurt like Hell. Funny thing is, I'm still falling. I guess I'm just hitting every ledge on the way down.

Goodbye...

Ah, but What if He is?

 I have to keep telling myself that it isn't worth it... it isn't worth putting myself through an unbelievable amount of pain for a boy who doesn't return my feelings in any way. It isn't worth sticking around, it isn't worth hanging back, & it isn't worth throwing away any chance of being happy because you're hoping that you might have another shot with him in the future & you don't want to miss it. I know I'm missing more chances by standing still, but I still want to believe that my best friend will be mine again someday, & that I'll be his baby girl again.

 

 I know I'm an idiot. Isn't it blatantly obvious? I'm pushing pause on my life for someone who's life is playing in fast forward. But love does things to us that we'll never be able to understand. It makes us crazy in the best & worst way. It helps us sleep or keeps us awake all night, & it gives us something to die for or something to live for. I know that love has made me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function. There's no way to put into words what this boy has done to my head, let alone what he's done to my heart. 

What we had in Oceanside was so perfect... I'd give anything to go back to that night on the beach. We were so happy. So in love. Everything was quiet & beautiful & it felt like we were the only two people alive. I was so content in his arms. We talked about our future like we had no worries & for that moment we forget about the rest of the world & just held each other. With the moon as our spotlight, we created the perfect love story. Why did it have to end? Why did we have to come back to Utah & lose it all?

 

I hope that one day it'll all be worth it. I hope that one day I'll be able to breathe again, & I'll feel brave enough to move forward alone. Mostly I hope that one day we'll be together again, but I can't keep hoping for something I never really had. Maybe Taylor can help me move on. Maybe she's the one who will help me find myself again. I don't really know what the future will bring, but I do know that I still love that stupid little boy with blue eyes & freckles & that he's still playing games with my heart. Not only that, but I'm letting him...

She's So Lovely

 I don't think I've ever wanted a girl this badly before. She drives me crazy, in the best sense of the word. I can't get her off my mind, & I can't stop smiling whenever I'm around her. She's everything I've ever wanted. She's my type, times ten. Red hair, wild personality, sexually open & isn't afraid to show you exactly what she wants. I don't care what it takes. I want to make her my baby girl.

I feel like I can really be myself when she's around. She knows who I am & she accepts it. Maybe it's because we're the same in a lot of ways, but whatever it is... I look forward to every minute I get to spend with her. I haven't been this happy with another girl in a long long time, if ever.

 I don't know how we'll make it through this... we both fell in love with the same boy with blue eyes & freckles & if he hadn't hurt us both, we'd probably be at each others throats. We both feel the need to have a man & a woman in our lives at this point, & shit is beyond complicated. I'm not entirely sure what move to make, but I know it's not a decision I can really make on my own. Taylor has to choose too...

I'm hoping that we both make the right decision, & hopefully it'll lead to us both being happy. I know I'll be happy if I'm with her, but happiness isn't based on condition & I need to learn to make myself happy as well as everyone else. I do want to make Taylor happy, & hopefully she feels the same way about me. But we'll see what happens. For now, we're just going to take it a day at a time & hope that it leads to something beautiful.

My Lucky Break

From the first time I saw you smile
I couldn't hold myself back
I prayed you'd stay a while
And that you'd always make me laugh

I was broken hearted
Cause life just wasn't fair
Then I opened my eyes
And you were standing right there

You make me feel wild & wonderful
A different kind of beautiful
You've given me the chance to shine
Since the day you became mine
Cause babe, I'm not afraid to be myself
When I know that you want no one else

You're the one that I've been waiting for
I'm glad I left it up to fate
I've never known a love like this
Baby you were my lucky break

For James

She Makes Me Smile

Five Months

Baby boy, you know I can't go on without you
I've fought too hard to keep you by my side
Baby boy, you know I want to make you happy
And my love won't stop until the day I die

One week in & I'm already in love
Seems you were sent, a dark angel from up above
Time flies past when you're in my arms
And I knew I'd do anything to keep you from harm

One month & I can't find sense or reason
You broke them down like the wall around my heart
With a ring around my finger, life has meaning
I've never been so sure, & it's only just the start

Almost five months now & I can't find the silver lining
Everything we had, we lost it along the way
And even though we're broken, I'm still fighting
I won't stop until we can love another day

Baby boy, you know I can't go on without you
I've fought so long to keep you by my side
Baby boy, you know I want to make you happy
And my love won't stop until the day I die

Vegas, California, & a Beautiful Disaster

You Move on & I'll be Happier

 I knew that love never truly lasts. At least not the love that's too good to be true. All good things must come to an end, & the best thing in my life came crashing down right in front of me. Losing him was, & still is, the most excruciatingly painful experience of my entire life. I gave him my everything, & I was left with nothing but the memories, a broken heart & a twisted perspective on love.

 

 Over the past week I had the opportunity to meet some incredible people. People I never would have had the pleasure of meeting if Shaun hadn't introduced me to his brother Nate. Finding out the truth is always hard, but it's almost as if the truth set me free. Before I met Cass & Taylor, I couldn't let go. I was holding onto whatever hope I had left that me & Shaun would be together again, & it was weak & it made me miserable & I let it break me down beyond all belief until Nate came along, dusted me off & set me straight. 

Now I have Taylor, who's red hair & blue eyes set off her fiery personality & her beautiful smile lights up my day. Words cannot come close to describing a tenth of this girl's charm. She has me wrapped around her finger, & I will do anything under the sun to keep her happy. She's the girl I've been waiting for.

Now it's just a matter of taking this a day at a time. I'm playing a game of tug & war, but eventually I'm going to have to make a decision. I'm not sure I'd be any good at juggling two relationships, although Taylor & I go both ways & jealousy wouldn't really be much of an issue between us. It's just a matter of making time for each & figuring out where each relationship will take me. But in the meantime, I intend to learn as much as possible about them & take it a day at a time. You never know what will happen, but I know for a fact that something good is going to come out of this. I can feel it.

A Letter to a Love Lost

Dear Lover,

I wish you knew how much you mean to me. How much time I spend memorizing your face so that I'll never forget how beautiful you are to me. How lost I get when you look at me with those big blue eyes... & how much I long to be back in your arms when we're apart.

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I had hope. I thought I had given up on ever being happy again until I saw you smile at me. You made the world bright again. If I could have anything in the world, all I'd want is one moment. One brief second to show you all the ways you've brought me back to life. To show you what a big difference you've made in my small bitter world. You smile releases the butterfly effect on my heart.

I don't understand how you brought me to life & give me something to live for every day, but when you're around I can't breathe. You're my perfect contradiction. Your imperfections are what I love most about you, & what makes you that much more perfect. You're the reason my heart keeps beating.

I hope I never have to spend a day without you. I want to wake up in your arms every morning & tell you how much I love you. I want to make you the happiest person alive, because you taught me what it really means to love, & be loved.

Sincerely,
Your Baby Girl