Every Life is a Pile of Good Things

It's funny how certain events that occur in a single moment can change the direction of our entire lives. Decisions that seem harmless at that point in time drastically change our future in the blink of an eye, & although some decisions can lead to a lifetime of pain & regret, some choices can prove to be the best you will ever make. Ivy was one of those events that ultimately will lead to happiness. She may have been the result of irresponsible decisions, but in the end she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's brought light into my life where I thought there would only ever be darkness. She helped me to see my potential, & helped me to realize who in my life was harming me, & who was helping me to succeed. She helped me to become a better person, & I haven't even seen her sweet little face yet! I owe her so much, because she changed my life for the better.

I may have suffered a lot of heartbreak, & I may still yet suffer... but that doesn't erase the good that she's done. That doesn't cancel out the good that has yet to come, & it certainly doesn't make my decision to keep her stupid or irresponsible. I chose to keep my child so that she could not only have a chance at life, but so that I could as well. I needed somebody to come along that would motivate me to work hard & make the necessary sacrifices that would eventually result in my happiness... & now I have somebody else's happiness to fight for: Ivy Rose. My sweet, innocent daughter. My guardian angel. She came to me when I needed somebody not only to love me, but to love in return. It may not have been in the way I had hoped for, but it was in the way that I needed. I needed somebody worthy to give my life to, & here she is. I may have lost my best friend, & many other friends along the way... I may have lost my family for a while... but she brought us together again, & maybe one day her Father will realize what he's missing & fight for her the way I have all this time.

Maybe she'll be the one who can help Shaun be a better person, the way she helped me. Maybe he just isn't ready yet... but I hope that day comes, because I want her to grow up knowing that she's his world as well as mine. That may never be the case... but at least she'll know that I've fought for her, & will continue to fight until the day I die. My Ivy Rose is worth it to me.

The First Snow

First snowfall of the season this morning - & DAYUUMMMM it's cold outside! It might already be melting, but quite honestly I am DREADING the weather that is bound to follow. I may despise summer in Utah, but the winters here are either wet & slushy, or brutally cold & unforgiving. Either way I just wish it would snow on Thanksgiving, & over Christmas - that's IT. After that, it's alright to snow if it's on my birthday & that is if it's just a light snowfall to make this horribly ugly state pretty for a few hours for my sake. It just figures that Shaun & I would have a winter baby. Lucky bastard got to be born in March, but nooooo. I had to be born in January as well as Jaxsen, & now Ivy will either be born in November or December. Oh how I pity the winter babies. I always spend my birthday in bed with a runny nose, coughing my guts up while everybody else is still celebrating the New Year. Fingers crossed that this birthday will be different!

Well, I guess one good thing about the snowfall is that it inspired my good friend to come & see me. He wanted me to take some shots of him in the snow, & of course I am more than obliged to. Any excuse to take a few photos! So after I get myself ready, I'll be catching up with him for a bit before I spend the evening with my family (which is badly needed after the unnecessary bitterness I've had towards my Mum these past couple months). I've really enjoyed making up with her & just being able to talk with her, even though it's still hard to feel entirely comfortable. She used to be my best friend, & if things continue the way they have been going the past week, I won't be surprised if we have a relationship like that again.

It'd be nice for Ivy to see that her Mother can have a relationship with her Nanny, so that she knows it's alright to have that kind of friendship with me too. In all honesty, I want her to respect me as well as come to me when she needs a friend. I want to be able to be her best friend & her protector... & as much as I wish her Father could play some sort of part in all of this, I hope that one day if he ever walks back into our lives that he'll be able to see that I've dedicated mine to taking care of our daughter & ensuring she has the best life has to offer. Then at least he'll know that she always came first... he was just too blinded by his own guilty conscience to see it.

Reflection

I think the reason why I never really recognize myself in the mirror is because I'm expecting my reflection to somewhat resemble the person I used to be. Dark hair, dark makeup, dark clothes, dark sense of humor & quite literally no soul. I had no regard for anybody's feelings, their money or the people in their lives. I had no respect, although I was quite skilled at pretending that I did. I was a fake. There was nothing there... nothing. Nothing to make me feel guilty, nothing to hold me back from getting what I wanted. I was completely heartless, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in order to realize that I'm not going to see that person in the mirror anymore.

Shaun may have been the event that changed my life, but I was the one who made the decisions that allowed him to change my life. I changed who I was... because I wanted to feel what I thought he was feeling. I wanted to be as alive inside as he seemed to be on the outside. I wanted to feel again, & I wanted to understand what it meant to really give yourself to someone... so I did. I allowed him to break through my walls & I felt my heart melt. It was overwhelming, but exhilarating. I didn't ever want it to end.

Unfortunately, even the best things do come to an end... but when I let him break me down & I began to feel again, I knew that I would never be cold. I would never be heartless or thoughtless or careless in the way I was before he came along. I liked who I had become. Even though it hurt like Hell & it sometimes got to the point that I thought it would be better to be numb, I knew that it was better to feel pain than nothing at all. Now? I may have put an end to that pain to an extent... but I'll never regret him. I'll never regret the person I became for him, & I will never ever regret loving him.

When Boredom Hits

Arghhh! Boredom & hunger have finally hit me full force! As far as I know... there's nothing on tv (although I haven't checked yet), & I've scoured the fridge, freezer, & pantry looking for something that looks somewhat edible, but unfortunately I only found Texas toast. At this point, I would kill for a Doctor Who marathon & Chinese food. Either that or a big fat juicy steak. Mmmmm... steak. Where's Peggy when I need her? I'd die a happy Momma if I had Peggy here cooking me good ol' German food. Just my luck that the roommates are asleep & I'm up passing the time by blogging about useless nonsense & attempting to make Texas toast.

I wish I had friends that lived a little closer... or a car with a full tank of gas. I'm going completely stir crazy sitting around here packing all damn day. I just want to get the moving process over with. I'm tired of moving around from place to place constantly. I just want ONE home. Somewhere I don't have to worry about moving from for a while. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe things will change. Maybe I'll actually have a more permanent home for Ivy & I without worrying about rent or deadlines or obnoxious roommates. Somewhere that Ivy will feel safe & at home. One can only hope I guess.

An Unforgettable Summer

A Letter That I'll Never Send

My Dear Ivy Rose,

I dreamed about you all night long. About your Daddy... about her. Just more nightmares that seem to haunt me a little more every night. More fears that awaken within me every time I close my eyes... except this time, I dreamed of something that I never wanted to consider. I dreamed that he died. I dreamed that he couldn't live with the guilt of giving you up, & when he saw your sweet little face for the first time he realized how selfish he had been. How much he missed out on... & he chose to end it rather than attempt to fix the damage he had caused. As I watched him hanging there, the fear that things might one day happen that way consumed me. He always said if he lost his sweet little Ivy Rose that he couldn't live with himself. Well after last night, he lost more than I think he bargained for... & he doesn't even know it yet.

I hope one day you can understand my decision to cut him from our lives. I hope that you won't ever grow to hate me for it, because I'm trying to protect you... I'm trying to delay the pain as long as possible. Pain is inevitable when it comes to your Father, but misery is optional. Unfortunately, I never really saw it that way until last night. When I found out what he put our family through... that he betrayed my trust in more ways than one, I couldn't watch him hurt you in the way that he's hurt your brother, or your Grandma or Great Grandma. I couldn't let you see the life he's chosen over you. The awful people he chose to associate with over having a loving family & a home. He gave up everything... & he doesn't seem to care.

I hope you never have to understand what he's put this family through. I hope you never have to watch him walk out the door, because I don't think I could bear to let him walk through it again. He may have helped me become a better, stronger person... but he became everything he swore he'd never be. He became the Father that he loathed & the fiance that he never would have forgiven if he had been hurt in the same way he had hurt me. I love your Father... I do. But I hate the choices he's made. I hate the man he's become, & I hate knowing that we didn't mean enough to him to stay & fight. I will always fight for you baby girl... I will always do everything in my power to give you the life you deserve & make sure that you never know what your Father chose over us, because it would break your heart every minute of every day for the rest of your life. I don't want you to become hateful & cold the way he did... I want you to know happiness, & I'm going to do my very best to show you the best example of what real happiness looks like. I love you Ivy Rose.