It's Always Been You

I'm scared baby... I'm afraid of losing you. I know that isn't what you want but you might not have any other choice, & it's killing me. I don't want to watch you fade away anymore. You're the only one that's ever filled the emptiness inside of me... the only one that ever will.  If I lose you, I'll be missing the most important part of me. You're the glue that's held me together for so long. My every thought & emotion is somehow wrapped around you, & I'm terrified to know what I'll become if you're gone. 

I'm praying there's another way. I know I don't believe in God, but I'm here screaming at the sky, hoping that it will make some small difference. How could everything go so wrong when everything was so perfect? We had two weeks together where we were both happy, & we were working towards a better future together, & then... everything went downhill. The way it always seems to when something's perfect. I should have remembered that nothing can remain perfect, because there is no beauty in perfection. We thrive on chaos & destruction... we always have. But why does it hurt so much this time around?

I think we're finally coming to the realization that nobody really cares whether we're happy or not, or even if we're together or not. They only really give a shit about winning. They want to succeed, & they'll do whatever it takes, & hurt whoever is in their way to ensure they get exactly what they want. In this case, if everything goes the way I'm praying it doesn't today... Syd would have won. Yeah, you'll have your baby boy but... will you be happy? Will Jax be happy growing up seeing his parents put on fake smiles around each other & pretending that they're perfectly happy together? Maybe I'm just overthinking everything, but if I know you... you're a brilliant actor. You can pretend everything's okay & nobody would suspect otherwise. You could go for years if you had to, but that doesn't mean you should have to.

You deserve to be happy. I know having Jax in your life is what you want more than anything, & if letting Sydney win is what it takes to get him back, I want you to do what you think is right. Maybe I'm being selfish right now... but I'm scared of hurting anymore. I can't numb myself like I used to, & every time I've lost you, it hurts a little more. If I lose you one more time it'll tear me apart. My reason for smiling, the reason I left such a bad lifestyle behind... the only reason I've been really truly happy, & the reason I now know what love is... will be gone. What's left after that? I might as well be hollow.

It's always been you... since the first day I met you, something changed in me. I don't want to watch it disappear like everything else that has ever mattered to me, & nothing has ever mattered to me as much as you. You made me better. Maybe not the best, but the best parts of me happened when you came along. Maybe that's wrong. I don't really care anymore. I want you to be happy more than anything, but at the same time I want to be selfish... loving you, it's hard to be. I have to put what you want & what you need first. Nothing else matters to me. Even if it means breaking down in the shower everyday or crying myself to sleep every night, as long as you have what you want & what you need, it'll be worth it. You've always been worth it... & always will.

Never Thought I'd be So Happy...

I'm Where I Need to Be

I'm so unbelievably content with my life. Not only do I have an incredible family that has my back no matter what, but I'm in love with my best friend & he loves me. I couldn't ask for more. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, & although I could complain about my lack of nicotine, why bother? I'm not going to let the amount of cancer sticks I go through in a day define the way I feel. I'm so incandescently happy... I haven't felt this way in such a long time, if ever. I might have been lost there for a while, but my baby boy helped me find my way back. Now I'm on the right track, & it feels fucking great.

Now that I know what it takes to get my life in order, I'm moving forward. Nothing can hold me back from achieving my goals & making something of myself. I want to do something with my life, but for now I'm still young. I still want to live, & experience all that I can. I want to dream as if I'll live forever & live as if today was my last day. I don't care if it means coming home at five in the morning or running out of gas in the middle of nowhere & walking ten miles to a gas station, as long as every single day is an adventure... & I know that if I spend it with Shaun, it really will be.

You Know you're in Love...

You Made it Worth it

Even though the sun still hasn't risen yet, the world has never looked brighter... or more beautiful. Yeah, I might sound a little corny but I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. I've been dwelling on the past for too long, & now that I've finally let go I feel free to do whatever my heart desires, be who I want to be, & share it all with whoever I choose to give my heart to. I'm sure anyone who knows me already knows that my blue eyed devil has had my heart from the minute he walked into my life, & nobody is more deserving, or takes better care of it than him.

I've never been so content with my life before. I used to worry about so much & enjoy so little. Now, even though I probably don't worry enough, I get a thrill from living in the moment with the people I love & at the same time, looking to a brighter future that we will create together. Moving to California, doing what we love with the people we love. Nothing but the sea & sand & a whole world of opportunity.

Who better to live life with than family? And I'm referring to my true family. The ones that are really there for me through anything & everything. Not my blood family, although my sister is beginning to prove herself. I hope one day she'll be strong enough to leave so I can help her move forward with her life as well. I don't want her to live in fear all her life & be held back from pursuing her dreams. She's young & free spirited. She should be able to live life to the fullest.

I can't wait to get away from here. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had, some of the people I've met, & especially the family I've become a part of & the crazy blue eyed devil I've fallen in love with... they've made all the heartache & the bad memories worth it. Utah has never been my home, but if I had never lived here, I never would have met my baby & I would be missing out on the best things in life. The most beautiful moments I've had have been with him, & I hope there will be many more to come. All I know is that he makes me deliriously happy, & he is without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's my inspiration, my lover, & my best friend. He really is my blue eyed devil.

Tell Me, Do You Really Love Me?

I have to be okay. Everything's the way it should be... so why am I still miserable? When he's around I'm so much happier, & then I remember how I fucked up & it hurts knowing that things can't be exactly the way they were before. 

I have the chance to make things right again. I'm doing everything I can, so how do we move forward? When Shaun's in my life, it feels like the best part of me comes alive again & I am so deliriously happy that the rest of the world seems to disappear. I want it to be that way every minute of every single day for the rest of our lives, but nothing seems to last forever. 

Remembering the way things began... when he not only climbed over my walls, took down my defenses, & found his way into my heart, but stole it as well. That's what captivated me. He did the impossible. I loved that about him. Nothing was a challenge when it came to me. He fought for my heart & soul & now he has them. He's been my inspiration for so long. My hero. He was still strong when everything was crashing down around him, & I can only hope that one day I can be as strong as he is.

I might be in control of my life, but I willingly handed him the keys to the one thing that guided me. That was my decision, & probably one of the smartest ones I ever made. Until he came into my life I had no control. I was a mess. The classic tragedy. Now I've cut all the bullshit. All of the lies... I'm finally strong enough to move forward on my own. I just hope that he'll come along for the ride.