None of His Concern

It's been a while since I've really written about anything in particular... so much has been happening, & so much has been weighing on my mind that it's been difficult to stay focused. After so much hurt & so much betrayal, it's been a struggle to keep it together. Luckily I've had so many incredible people behind me in everything I do, so I must be doing something right these days. I guess fighting to be a better person really does pay off in the end.

After everything that had happened between Shaun & I, I didn't think I would suffer anymore or that it was even possible to be betrayed yet again now that he is out of my life, but I was wrong. He stole something... something very precious to me & to my family. For days I was struggling to keep my head on straight. I didn't want to hurt anymore, & even though it was irreplaceable, I promised myself I would be happy regardless. It was too soon to Ivy's arrival to be breaking down again. Then... a miracle happened. Somehow we were lucky enough to find that the thing he has stolen from us was already back safe & sound by his own hand. Now it doesn't change the fact that it was stolen, or that he had the audacity to lie about it to me. But it's back in the hands of it's rightful owner... just like it never left, & I couldn't be more grateful.

I guess it does really hurt to know that he not only stole from me, but the people that I care about so much. He sought out something that meant more to me than money ever could, & had every intention of selling it & pocketing the money as if it had never existed in the first place. I don't know what my Mum said or did that night, but whatever it was, I truly believed it softened his heart enough to give it back to me.

Shaun may never admit that he stole it, & if he doesn't that's okay because I'll still know the truth... he may never be honest about anything to me really. But that's his loss, because there is no place in mine or Ivy's life for dishonesty. Regardless of whether he's her Father or not. That is a title that is earned. Just because his blood runs through her veins does NOT mean he has any right to call himself her Dad or pretend that he is even capable of being a decent one. I love him with all my heart, but I deserve better than what he's given me. We have some good memories, but all the lies & betrayal have almost canceled it all out... I've moved on, & one day I'll find somebody that really cares about being the person I deserve. I may not ever find somebody that I could bear to be with, but I know that somewhere there is somebody who deserves me. Shaun had his chance, & he still has the opportunity to change & live the life that will ultimately make him happy, but I'm not waiting for him. If I held my breath, I'd suffocate. Ivy doesn't need a Father, & I don't need a man to be happy. He may never understand that, but at this point it's none of his concern regardless.

Don't Let it Consume You

Hate is a nasty thing... But so is regret. Even more so in many ways. I don't regret loving Shaun, but I regret allowing him to treat me with such disrespect & dishonesty while he took advantage of those around us at the same time. I regret giving him another chance, because losing him once again after he assured me he would change for our daughter almost fucking broke me down. I've been fighting for so long to make him happy, but he doesn't want to be. Nothing I say or do will change that.

My Heart Belongs to You

I'm falling apart, & I'm watching my whole world fall with me. Everything is so wrong... we should be happy together. We should be a family for our daughter, & instead we're struggling to keep it all together regardless of what we're fighting for. I'm afraid that we're just too broken to be fixed again... the only glue that has been holding us together this long is our sweet little Ivy Rose, but what if that isn't enough? What if our love for her isn't enough to keep us together... the thought alone breaks my heart. Her Daddy means the world to me & he's the only one other than her that will ever hold my heart. He's the only one I ever want to be with... to lose him because we can't sort out our problems anymore would kill me.

I know I have to keep it together for our baby. I know I need to stay strong & push past the bullshit... but it just blows up in my face no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try, somehow I'm making things worse. I love Shaun so much, & I'd give anything to make this work but it breaks my heart that when I try to do the right thing... when I try to make the smart decision... I'm only upsetting him or the other people that I care about. Where do I go from here? I want so badly to escape from it all... but I can't run away from my problems. I can't run away when I have a child to take care of. I envy her Father, because he's free to run & disappear when he pleases & I'm the one left standing in the dust.

I love him so much, & I want to believe that he wants this. I want to believe that we can be a family for Ivy. The family that she deserves... but when he's becoming more & more distant & I'm left here to wonder if we're ever going to work out or even if we're still together... what am I supposed to do? Everything he told me when he came back has been canceled out by everything he's done the past few days & it's breaking my heart. Why am I not worth the fight? Why isn't Ivy? I just need to know where to go from here... because my heart belongs to him & I can't let that go all over again.

More Instagram - An End to October

Sunlight

Sometimes when I'm alone waiting for the trax, an overwhelming calmness comes over me. It's like I'm the only person in the entire world & as lonely as it feels, it's also somewhat liberating. I feel like there's nothing I can't do. That there's nobody I can't be... that nothing can go wrong & nobody can hurt me because I'm the only one standing here. 

Sometimes I wish I could be alone, because maybe then life would be easier. Other times, I couldn't be more grateful for the people in my life... they helped me become who I am today & thanks to them I've learned so much about life. I've grown a LOT & even though I've fallen, somebody has always been there to help me up. I can't turn my back on the world, because the world never seems to turn it's back on me.

Baby I'm Sorry...

It feels like everybody's changing with the weather... it's all like, "the skies are cloudy & miserable, so why can't we be a projection of that?" It's starting to get a little unbearable. Everything feels so empty. I just want to curl up in a ball & hibernate until my baby girl gets here so I have a reason to smile again... she's honestly already my whole world. I can't even begin to imagine how much more she'll mean to me once she's actually here in my arms.

I hope things start looking up. I really do. It seems like everybody's down on their luck lately & as much as I wish I could help, I know that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation. I can barely pull myself out of this hole I've been digging. I thought for a while that because I was hurting & because I was scared that I was the victim... I forgot how awful it feels to be reminded of the past & the mistakes I've been paying for all my life. I can't imagine how Shaun feels. I kept reminding him of what he did because I thought that it would remind him how much it hurt me & help him realize that it couldn't happen again, but it's almost like I'm throwing all his efforts in his face. I feel terrible, because now I could lose him all over again, but this time it would be my own fault.

I wanted so badly to be a family for Ivy. To give her a Mother AND a Father that would care for her & show her what it really means to love & be loved, & instead I threw it all away because I was too blind to see that Shaun actually WAS trying & that he actually did want to make things right. It makes me sick to imagine how I must have made him feel... but I hope he knows that I am so so proud of his efforts, & they weren't for nothing. I may still be hurting, but I have forgiven him. I may not be able to allow those things to happen again, but that doesn't mean I have to keep bringing up the past in order to move forward. I want to move on, & I want to be happy again. I want us to make each other happy, & while he's been trying every day to do that for me, I've only been bringing him down. I hope more than anything that he'll let me make things right & that we can start over again. That's what we need more than anything... a fresh start. I hope he can give me this chance, because I don't want to lose my best friend all over again. Not after how hard he's worked to bring us back together...