Great Expectations

I really need to remember who I am & where I'm trying to get to, because lately I've gotten so caught up in all of the bullshit that I'm starting to forget what's REALLY important. I'm so miserable because I'm not really embracing who I am the way I used to... & it's making the rest of the world dull & lifeless too, just like my reflection. It's amost embarrassing to see what I've let myself become. I can't stand to look in the mirror anymore.

 

Being pregnant isn't everything my friends made it out to be. They were always so happy... so excited to be bringing a tiny little person into this world. I worry every day that I won't be good enough. That I'll fail the way my parents failed raising me. That I won't be the Mother this baby girl deserves. I love her with every piece of me, but I can't help wondering if that will be enough. I'm just grateful that she will have a Dad I never had. Yes, my Dad loved me & he gave up a lot to provide for me, but he never showed me he loved me in the ways I needed him to. I needed somebody to be there when I cried, & protect me from the horrible people we encounter on our journey throughout life. Instead I was the only one there to dry my tears, until Shaun came along.

I know he'll be everything our baby girl needs in a Father. I just hope that I can live up to my own expectations as a Mum. I want to be the Mother I never had, & even though I know that it's going to be hard & I'm going to want to give up... I can't. I would never give up on Ivy the way my own flesh & blood gave up on me. In my eyes, she's the most perfect part of my life next to Shaun, & I don't want that to change in the slightest. I'll fight until it kills me if that's what it takes. I just want to be somebody that she can be proud of.

I'm REAL Bitch

For all of those who think you're better than me, think you're actions are justifiable, & think that you actually KNOW me... you're wrong. In every aspect of the word. You don't know anything about me. You know my fucking name, NOT my story. Not even close. So before you make any more judgements, & before you start talking shit behind my back, just remember that you will only be in the perfect position to kiss my ass.

I'm real. I'm honest about who I am, what I do, & who I do it with. You? I'd be amazed if you could admit to any of your minor faults, let alone actually be accountable for all of the mistakes you've made & continue to make. I've made mistakes, I've learned my lesson, & although I'm not perfect I am perfectly happy with who I am & the direction I'm headed. You may not understand some of my decisions, & you may not ever come to accept them, but I'm doing what I believe is right for me & my family & my future.

Yes, I might be bisexual. I'm no different than anyone else. I'm just more open to a different part of life than you are used to & that might be difficult for you to understand. That doesn't give you any reason to judge me. You can talk all you want but it will only ever show everyone else that you are LOW & INSECURE & MISERABLE. I'm REAL Bitch, & that fucking terrifies you.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

God I miss having a girl in my life. It might sound strange, but it's just the way I am. Although I don't really get emotionally attached to women since I met Shaun, I'm still just as sexually attracted to them. I don't think I have enough bisexual friends anymore to be honest... I need somebody to keep my life interesting when Shaun isn't around to do it.

Maybe that sounds horribly wrong to anyone who's in a committed relationship, but he understands & is okay with the way I feel towards other women. He accepts that I enjoy them sexually just as much as I enjoy him, so why is that so wrong? Why can't I have the best of both worlds? It's a part of who I am.

The Time Lord's Seal

Another unfinished tattoo done by my love in honor of yesterday's Doctor Who special. He still has to fill it in, but it just goes to show how dedicated he is to our favorite show of all time :)

That WOW Factor

I desperately need some girl time. Not just girl time, but some pampering time. I've felt so down lately that I am definitely going to need a feminine pick me up soon. I don't care if it's getting my hair done, getting my nails done, or just getting dressed up & achknowledged. Being pregnant is really affecting my self esteem, & I need to take some action & do something to change that. PRONTO.

I think it's just been so long since I've been out on my own & felt appealing. I used to have guys staring at me because I was attractive to them. Now people stare because I have a huge baby belly sticking out & I look like a zombie because I haven't slept much in days... It's horribly depressing. Even the day I met Shaun, I was at trax alone & we were attractive to each other. I was slim, confident, & definitely NOT PREGNANT. I miss the thrill of people checking me out. Not that I really care about other men looking at me, but I want to at the very least feel like I'm still attractive to my man. I want him to look at me the same way he did the day we met. I know that's almost impossible but I just don't feel pretty anymore, let alone HOT.

Maybe it's time to just take some time for me. Just spend a day pampering myself, or getting pampered with my girls & then go out & enjoy being all done up. Take some photo's, go get coffee at that little bookstore in Salt Lake. Just do some of the things I enjoyed doing before I was prego with an eggo. Anything to boost my self esteem so I'm not so down on myself all the time. I want to be the girl that Shaun's proud to be with. The girl he can show off to his friends. I want to have that WOW factor again... it's something I haven't had in a long time, & I need to get it back.

Mummy Talk

It's crazy to think how much I've changed over the past year. I've matured in so many ways, but in others I'm still a kid at heart. There are stupid things that I miss but have learned to leave in the past for the sake of our future, & there are things that I've learned to let go of, even if it hurt to do so. I've given up friends, I've lost my family many times, I've given up the opportunity of being with somebody else that could have made me happy, simply because I know that the one person that could hurt me more than anyone else ever could was the only one that I could ever promise my heart to. Shaun is worth every risk I've ever taken, & he was by far the best decision I ever could have made. Nothing could ever make me regret all the things & the people I've given up to be with him, because in the end they could never make me as happy as he's made me, & they could never ever love me as much as he does.