Freedom

"Life is like photography. We develop from the negatives."

For the first time in my life, I am genuinely enjoying the freedom to make my own decisions. I depended on everyone else to tell me which direction I was supposed to take my life in for so long, & now I FINALLY have the guts to take a stand & move in the direction that I truly believe is best for me & my daughter. We're moving, & we're going to start our new lives somewhere that is filled with opportunities for the both of us. Somewhere she can grow up safe, healthy & happy. Utah has never been my home, & I never had any intention of making it Ivy's. I can't let how others feel about us moving stop me, because Ivy's future is my top priority. I need to be somewhere that I can reach my full potential, financially, intellectually, emotionally, physically, & spiritually.

No Exceptions

How many times do you have to start over before you get it right? How many times will you give up before you find something worth fighting for? How many people do you have to blame before you take responsibility for the hurt you've caused? You might have dozens of girls wrapped around your finger, you might have your family convinced that you're a changed man, but I finally see through it, & my tolerance for bullshit has reached it's limit. Nobody who has lied to me, stolen from me, & cheated on me has the right to tell me how things are going to be. I am the Mother, & I will do the right thing by Ivy.

Double Date

Tonight was exactly what I've been needing. A double date with my baby & good friends... I can't think of a better way to kick back before I'm stuck spending all my free time studying & taking classes. I mean, I know its all for a good cause, but a little me time never hurt anyone.

My Biggest Vice is My Ugliest Habit

If you didn't know already (which would surprise me), I am addicted to cigarettes. I have been for the greater part of my life now... & if any of you out there have ever suffered from some kind of addiction, you KNOW how hard it is to quit. Especially after its become routine.

Smoking is my vice. I suffer from severe anxiety & smoking helps calm my nerves, as well as gives me something to pass the time if Ivy is sleeping. I've tried to quit many times, but stress & anxiety are always the key factors that cause me to start up again. I need to quit... For Ivy's sake, as well as for my health, but I don't know if I'm ready to... Maybe that's selfish, but its all I really have of my own. It's the only minute I get to myself, & what makes it worse is that I enjoy it.

If you have any advice, or know of anything that could help motivate me to quit, you can email me at sweetliltragedy@gmail.com & who knows? You could be exactly what I need!

The Cutest Damn Thing

She's growing too fast!

Busy Schedule? Nah...

Sometimes I miss being busy... I miss having somewhere to be every day of the week. It helped me to appreciate my days at home so much more. Now, I spend so much time at home that even a walk to Smiths is like an exotic getaway. Its so terribly boring! I can't wait until I'm working every day so I can bring home the bacon & appreciate the time I have with my daughter that much more.

Five Things

Its days like this that everything makes me smile, simply because I took some time to appreciate the little things.

#selfmade

Sometimes I ever why my life went I'm the direction that it did. I suppose I could blame it on fate, if I believed in that. Others might tell me that God had something to do with it, although I can't really say I believe in him either. I do believe that my mistakes play a big part, but I honestly believe that it was my failures that drove me to succeed, as well as the people I've lost that made me realize what I really want out of life. The few that supported me throughout my struggles in the past are the few that will continue to be a part of my life, & the ones that walled away when things were difficult are the ones who revoked the right to be a part of my future.

"If you were absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present for my success."

In other words, if you had the nerve to walk away, I most definitely have earned the right to turn you away. I have worked my ass off to be the person I am today, & I will continue to better myself until I am the Mother that Ivy deserves. I know its going to be hard, & I know I will continue to make many more mistakes in the future, but those mistakes will be lessons, not failures. You can judge me, but in the end the qualities you so despise in me are only a reflection of the things you despise in yourself. I could have run away when my life started to fall apart, but I'm proud to say that I'm stronger than that. I'm picking up the pieces, & nothing anyone could say will hold me back or bring me down. I'm going to be somebody my daughter can be proud of, & she will learn by example that you never give up, no matter what the odds are.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

You can drive me up the wall sometimes, but you have proven to be the most loyal & loving person in my life thus far, & even when you felt hurt & betrayed, you still waited for me. I couldn't ask for a more incredible boyfriend. I love you baby. Truly, madly, deeply.

Never a Failure, Always a Lesson

That's what my next tattoo will say... Its something I'm trying to live by these days, & something that has helped make me a much stronger person. I've learned that I can't take back my mistakes, but I can always learn from them. I can't live in the past, & I won't beat myself up anymore. I'm confident in the decisions I'm making, because they are based on the well being of my daughter as well as myself. I can't live to please others. I will stand by what I believe is best for Ivy. She is my whole world, & I will only keep company that understands that & supports me in it. I'm proud of who I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm doing everything in my power to be a good Mum. What anyone else thinks or believes is irrelevant.

Eat. My. Shorts.

I don't think I will ever understand why so many individuals are so invested in finding out the dirty details of others lives. Don't they have anything better to do? Are their own lives so boring that their only source of entertainment is to poke their noses into everyone elses business? I'm happy, if that's what you're wondering? I'm in a reelationship, but I'm sure you already knew that. I'm sure you probably think that it's a rebound, or that I'm just the kind of girl who jumps at the chance to get knocked up again... um... NOT.

I've spent quite some time thinking about the direction I'm taking my life in, & I'm proud of the decisions I'm making. Is that what you wanted to hear? Or are you waiting for those drunk posts about random hook ups & getting high with people I met online? Because I'm not that person. I never have been, & if that's what you're waiting to hear, I look forward to disappointing you. I'm not letting anyone determine the life that I lead.

Despite my struggle as an undocumened immigrant, I'm finally getting my SSN & my Green card this summer, I'm enrolled in adult high school & will be getting my GED, I have a job lined up & although unemployed, still manage to meet my daughters needs. I'm dating the only guy that ever fought for me & was patient enough to wait for me to realize that the last relationship I was in just wasn't meant to be, & I am lucky enough to have the support of an incredible organization who will never allow me or Ivy to go without if we are in need, I have a loving family who (in case you didn't already know), are NOT practicing polygamy or living in a polygamist community, & the only friends I have are responsible, trustworthy, & don't lie or steal from me or the people I love. I'm at a pretty good point in my life, which is more than I can say for those who have nothing better to do than read my blog & scoff at me. Now if that isn't embarrassing, I don't know what is ;)

Great Opportunities

Because of these two photos, I've been given the opportunity to start modeling. Something I never really considered, because I never really thought I had anything worth flaunting... But thanks to "Sexiest Women in Salt Lake City" I may just be getting my big break. Its not something I would attempt to make a career out of, but maybe this is a good opportunity for me. After all, everyone could use a boost of self confidence!

Leah Lately

As most of you know, my life has been all over the place these past four months. I've made some pretty tough decisions, had my heart broken, been in & out of the hospital more often than somebody undergoing chemo, fixed some broken friendships, & after moving into my second host home in two years, have finally been able to start a new chapter in my life.

Not only am I FINALLY getting my SSN in the next couple months, but I am well signed up for Entrada, (an Adult High School), to get my GED, I have a modeling opportunity this weekend & quite possibly on a regular basis, I'll be getting my drivers license & then after all this time... I'll finally have a place of my own! Life couldn't be sweeter right now, & I'm so lucky to have somebody loving me & supporting me through all of this. I couldn't ask for a more dedicated boyfriend.

Life is what we make it, so we're making it worth living <3

With Your Love

It's funny how sometimes having your world turned upside down can be for the best, especially when something you never expected to feel hits you full force & all of a sudden, you're a fool in love all over again.

I wasn't really planning on being with anyone for quite some time, if ever... I wanted to get my life in order first. I wanted to ensure that I was the only person that had any say in the kind of life that me & my daughter were going to live, & although I still feel that way, its refreshing to be with somebody who supports my decisions as a Mother first, an individual second, & a girlfriend last. Nobody understands me like he does, & nobody has ever cared as much for me AND my daughter as he does. I've finally moved on, & it feels so good!

Monroe Addict

I love my sisters style! I feel like a toddler trying to dress myself for the first time next to her. I ought to hire her as my own personal stylist...

The Female Boss

There comes a time when you can't live in the past anymore. You have to let go & live for a better tomorrow, & that is exactly what I intend to do. I'm not going to sit around & wait for something to happen. I'm going to make things happen. There's no such thing as destiny. We are the only ones who can determine our fate, & I'm going to do something extraordinary no matter what the odds are. Today is the first day of the rest of my life... I'm going to be somebody my daughter can respect. Nobody else's opinion matters as long as I'm making my Ivy Rose proud.

I'm Moving on Dammit...

There's No Healing in Hell

"You were the lightning & I was the tree. Your words were the fire that burned the best parts of me."

I blew it. I really blew it this time... I just want to stop feeling. I'm tired of never understanding how I feel because the only feelings I'm sure of, I don't want to have at all. It hurts too much. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'm better off alone, because I'd only hurt anyone who tried to be with me. I need time to heal... & things are only getting worse.

I'm Changing

What do you think of the new me?

"Protège-Moi"

Sometimes I hate being alone... Not because I get lonely, but because I need to be protected from what I want. Hell, half the time I don't even know what I want, but when I do... It's always something I can never have... Simply because it'll hurt me more than it could ever make me happy.

Have you ever loved something so much it hurt? Have you ever tried to forget... To push past the pain because you believed with all your heart & soul that it was worth the fight, even though you knew that you could never win? My life is one big lie, because I have to pretend that I'm okay living like this. With being alone... Being the only one that fought, even though I lost. Ivy is all I have left, & I love her with all my heart, but I'm tired of living with the memories. I just want to forget everything, so it doesn't hurt to look at her anymore. I want somebody to truly care about me... No other women... Just me. Why is that too much to ask? I guess I'm still too broken to try again, but the other day I heard this story that got me thinking:

Originally when we were designed, we were given four legs, four arms, a single head with two faces, & one soul. Zeus then divided us in half, _
& that is why we as humans feel incomplete... We are forever searching for the one who holds the other half of our soul. That is where the concept of soulmates came from.

Maybe there is somebody out there for me. Maybe I'm giving up too soon... But it isn't wrong to miss being loved, is it? I give everything for my daughter to ensure her happiness, but I'm still alone. I know I'm still young, but I kinda got a head start on life when I became a Mum. I just don't want to be like my parents & lose my soulmate halfway through my life either. I guess all I can really do is be patient, cause I'm not settling for any less than I deserve.

Never Love a Wicked Thing

The world is full of monsters... some are beautiful, cloaked in darkness & solitude. Others are cruel & twisted, existing only to drag you down to the fiery depths we know as Hell. It seems so harmless at first, to converse with the shadows. Nothing compares to the cold rush you feel when you exchange words, or a simple touch with something you thought so forbidden. Some may consider us a privileged few. We know better. We are the lone wanderers. The nowhere men. The cursed.

Growing up you learn to thrive on the darkness. As infants, it helps us develop. As we get older, we are taught to fear it. We notice something strange & uninviting about it & not even our curiosity could get the better of us. We beg our parents to check our closets & underneath our beds, never imagining that the only thing we need fear is the monster growing from within us. The haunting voice pawing at the back of minds is the mother we never knew. She is bringing Hell to our world & raising an army. We are her soldiers. Her legacy... & my blue eyed devil... her masterpiece. He will set fire to everything we know & love, & all that will remain is ash. Those lucky enough to be left standing will rise from it & crawl in the chaos he left in his wake. His gift to the survivors is the destruction of the weak. The world is his playground, & eventually we must learn to accept it or fail in our attempt to fight it.

Happy Easter!

I know that I'm two days late, but I just had to share this darling photo of Ivy & her new favorite stuffed animal from her Grandma. She's been sleeping with him since I took her home on Sunday & has made many attempts to start a conversation with him, but I'm not quite sure she's realized that he can't respond! A big thank you to Great Grandma & Grandma from Ivy & I for her lovely gifts. As you can see, they're greatly appreciated!

Whatever Happens

What Would it Take?

I can't believe its April already. Ivy is growing so fast & learning so quickly that I can hardly keep up! In the past week she has learned to roll all the way over & then back again, she knows how to scoot until something its in her reach & she's learning to sit up (I have to help her stay sitting up), but it blows my mind how someone so tiny can do so much. She's getting kinda chubby too. I love it!

Even in the midst of all this chaos, she still helps me stay grounded. She never ceases to make me smile & playing with her & watching her grow a little more every day brings so much joy into my life. That little girl has wrapped herself around my heart, & I couldn't think of anything more important to fight for. Although I know that I have to fight for my happiness as well as hers, her happiness makes me so much happier.

I made myself a promise that I'd get my GED, my drivers license, buy a car, & get on my feet by her first birthday, & I intend to keep that promise. She deserves a better life, & I'll do everything in my power to give it to her. Its going to be a tough year, but luckily I have an incredible support system to help me through it all, & Ivy has so many that love her & will help me ensure that all of her needs are met. Its tough being a single Mum, but it is SO rewarding! Getting my SSN is going to open up so many doors for us, & if one of those doors is a fresh start, I'll take it. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or even four months ago, & I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with the people who are convinced that people don't change.

Change is possible. It just takes determination, motivation, & something that makes it all worth it. Ivy is worth changing my attitude, my lifestyle, & my environment for. What would it take to change your life? You can email me your life changing stories to sweetliltragedy@gmail.com & I will be happy to share them!