Kayla & Bryce

This is without a doubt, one of THE cutest, sweetest, most genuine couples I have EVER met. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so comfortable with their significant other, or so happy! I loved editing these. My Mum did an excellent job taking them! I couldn't have chosen a better business partner! I'm looking forward to capturing their wedding on the fifth & sharing it with all of you!

A Different Lifetime Ago

Sometimes I'll look at these photos & wonder who the Hell I'm looking at. It doesn't feel like it could be me... The memory is there but there isn't any emotion attached. It's just empty images of the person I used to be. Granted, I will always be bisexual. That doesn't have to affect my role as a Mother or a daughter or a sister.

Restless Nights

It shouldn't be long now... I'm hardly sleeping. I'm uncomfortable & moody. My belly has dropped to the point that it rests on my legs when I sit down & I can't help but slouch from the weight of it all. Yup. She's coming.

Even Grandma's dogs can sense something is up. They'll nudge my belly with their noses or they'll stand close to me whenever I'm around them. It's a little strange to think that dogs are so instinctive about things like this, but it's sort of reassuring, knowing that I'm in good hands (or in this case, paws!). I just wish that this process was a little less unbearable. I'm so tired of being tired when I've hardly done anything at all. I would rather be tired because I've been up taking care of my daughter than be tired because she isn't here yet. It seems absolutely ridiculous, & I think everyone is starting to get a little antsy waiting for me to go into labor... With my Mum moving this weekend & Uncle T's bowling, Shaun's new job, then all this drama with Jax on top of that... It's no wonder everyone is on edge. I just wish we could schedule the delivery to make things a little easier on us all. Hell, if we get to next week with no progress, they'll strip my membranes & if we get to 41 weeks with no progress, I'll be induced. So in a way we would be scheduling it... Sort of.

I just hope she gets here before I drop dead from pointless exhaustion or heartburn. I am tired of this extreme discomfort. My emotions are off the chart, & I'm starting to forget what it feels like to function like a proper human being. You know, being able to put my own socks on & being able to sleep on my back... The stuff most everybody takes for granted. I would practically KILL to be able to sleep on my back again. Nothing has ever sounded so blissfully relaxing in my entire life. I look forward to the day when I can do it without cutting off both mine & Ivy's oxygen supply. Until then, I guess I'm stuck with a sore neck, heartburn from Hell, a severely damaged back & a bag of bowling balls for a belly. Go me!

I think one of the things I am most excited for is wearing normal clothes again... You know, jeans without the spandex, form fitting shirts, or just about anything that is somewhat flattering. I miss feeling like I look good, or being excited about a night out because I can dress up. It's been far too long, & just as soon as I get into the flow of things, I'm going to ensure that my appearance isn't neglected anymore. I need to feel good about myself in order to feel good at all, & after nine miserable months I want to use this opportunity to get in shape & get the body I've always wanted. Luckily I will have one Hell of a trainer, so I will be sure to share some of her secrets with you when I start that up. In the meantime, I do need to try to get some rest. It's almost 2:40 & I haven't slept much in weeks. Sleep is crucial at this point, so wish me luck!

Getting Closer...

Not too much longer until Ivy arrives! At my prenatal today, they told me that I'm one centimeter dilated, 50% effaced. I'm not ENTIRELY sure what that means, but it's a sign that things are moving along!

She Deserves the Best

Although this past year has probably been the most trying time of my life, it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown. How much I have truly learned from my own mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others. I've made so many changes for the greater good. Even though I occasionally slip up, I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off, & take it with a grain of salt. I'm not a little girl anymore... I'm a woman, & I'm about to become a Mother. Nothing has ever motivated me to make so many changes, but I'm a much stronger person because I've learned to sacrifice what I thought mattered for someone that really does. My daughter.

Ivy is without a doubt, the greatest blessing I ever have & ever will receive. She has been the guiding light that has led me out of the darkness & into a whole new world that I never would have dreamed possible. She's given me hope when all hope seemed lost, & she's given me the courage to fight when the whole world seemed to crash & burn around me. She even brought me closer to my family, which is more than I ever could have asked for. I sincerely hope with all my heart that she can do the same for her Father. If there was ever a time he needed purpose & direction in his life, it's right here, right now.

Shaun has already made so many changes... More than I could have hoped for. At the end of the day, there will always be that longing for something more. Something he's been looking for in all the wrong places. I hope that Ivy will be the one that helps him find himself, because he's been running for far too long. He has do much to live for if he would only slow down long enough to see it. I've been lucky enough to share in some of the most incredible parts of his life, & I would hate to see him give it all up again for something completely meaningless. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that boy if only he would fight to earn it.

Maybe this time around he really will change. Maybe Ivy & I will finally mean enough to him to stay faithful, honest & hardworking. I can't hold my breath, because now more than ever I have to be strong for our daughter. I can't allow myself to hurt that much ever again. It doesn't mean I don't love him, because he knows that I do & that I always will. I just love Ivy more. She is entirely dependent on me as her Mum & I will NOT let her down. I will give everything I have to ensure that little girl'd safety, stability, & happiness. She is far too precious for me to give any less.

The Reason

Sometimes it's hard to believe that life could ever really get much worse... But once in a while, there are those days that every little thing goes your way & you can't help but wonder if things could possibly get much better. Today, (well I suppose it was yesterday now) was one of those good days. There wasn't really anything absolutely incredible about it, but it was one of those days that you just take on without stress, without worry, & without any regard for tomorrow. All you're thinking is here & now, you & me, & taking the day minute by minute, hour by hour, until you completely forget about yesterday & everything that has been nagging at your mind the past little while. You just let go...

Going to the humane society & seeing all the animals was probably one of the highlights of my day in all honesty. It's been a while since I've really been able to appreciate the little things, & all those kittens just melted my heart. If I could have taken them all home, I would have. Seeing all those animals who's lives are in the hands of others really made me realize the amount of control I have over the quality of my own life. That's something I couldn't be more grateful for... And now, I know where I'll be going to invest in a little friend for my baby girl once she's a little older!

I think the other highlight of my day was seeing Shaun get so pumped over entering to win the Anberlin concert tickets, & then us actually winning them! I wasn't expecting that in the slightest, but it just goes to show that it doesn't always hurt to hope. Sometimes our hopes can become a reality. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant, they can lift our spirits & change our entire outlook on life in a single moment. Just winning those tickets put a smile on his face the rest of the night & gave him the much needed motivation to finish filling out all of the job applications we picked up the day before yesterday - thank GOD! Now it FINALLY is starting to feel like we're making progress. Yeah, it's still hard to open up & trust him again after everything he did... But he is trying. He's really handled things with his Dad well so far, & watching him make the decision to do the right thing & give Nacho's phone back may only have been a small step, but it was a step in the right direction & that's what really counts.

His determination has been encouraging. I just hope that he continues to keep it up, for Grandma's sake. Nobody loves Shaun more than her, & nobody wants to see him succeed as badly. She would give anything for him to be happy & to go somewhere in life, & to see him not only coming to terms with the truth about a lot of things he had denied in the past, but to see him working hard to find work & show consistency for Jax & Ivy's sake is a huge comfort to her. I know how much it's hurt her to see him falling further & further away from everyone & everything he's ever truly loved, but to see him pick himself up & try without even the slightest push from any of us... That's something to be truly grateful for. I just hope he can keep it up, because life has never favored him more than it does right now. He has the chance to be there for his son, to make things right with his Mum & his Grandma, & to have a family again & a home where he'll always be loved for him. Not for the person he's been hiding behind. THAT is more than I think even he could ever ask for.

I just pray that he can be strong enough to continue to make good decisions & fight for the people that really do matter... Because if he blows it again, he's got so much further to fall, & so much more to lose. Only thing is... This time, there won't be any way to gain any of it back. If that isn't reason enough to change, I don't know what is.