Never Again

I can't believe that my baby girl turned one month old on Saturday... it's hard to believe that she's growing so fast, or so much! She's turned into quite the little chunk over the past couple weeks, to the point where her cheeks are starting to fall off of her cute little face! I just can't believe that I made something so beautiful... so ALIVE. I couldn't even keep a goldfish alive for a few days, so the idea that I will raise a tiny human being for the next eighteen years blows my mind. Not that I don't like the idea, because I absolutely embrace it wholeheartedly. I'm just... scared I guess. I'm sure that they're the typical fears that every new parent has, but I don't want to be a disappointment. I want to be somebody that my daughter can love AND respect. That in this day & age seems to be a rarity.

So far, my experience as a single Mother has been both trying & rewarding. I'm still struggling with the sporadic sleep schedule & trying to stay on top of pumping (since God had to give me flat nipples just to spite me), but I haven't struggled with the constant diaper changes like I thought I would. In fact, Motherhood comes somewhat as a second nature to me, even though I never really had much experience with babies before I had Ivy. I love having a purpose to my life... I love having somebody to love & I love being loved unconditionally. It's not a love that I'm used to... in fact, I'm not sure I ever really felt real love from anyone the way I feel is from my daughter every time I hold her in my arms & sing her to sleep. Nothing could ever be more real, & I look forward to watching her grow & being there for those precious little moments that mean so much...

I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be the Mother of such a perfect baby girl. I cant believe I was blessed with the stupidity to create such a wonderful accident inn the first place, & I will never ever regret that night. It gave me something to live for... somebody to care for while everyone else that I thought mattered walked out of my life. I am SO grateful that I amfinnally strong enough to let go, for Ivy's sake. I was holding on to something that I never really had in the first place, but now I have something to live for, & he'll never hurt me again.