All We Have is Who We Are

When it comes down to it, nothing ever really lasts forever. Everything eventually crumbles, turns to dust, & is lost to the wind. Even love. If that's what it really was... Hell, I'm not sure Iknow what love is anymore. Every idea I ever had on the topic of love has been quickly crushed in the past two & a half weeks since my daughter was born, & it truly makes me sick. This isn't what I wanted for us. This isn't what parenthood is all about. At least, I didn't think so. I thought it was about being a family & looking past your partners flaws & insecurities to make each other happy... to show our daughter what love really looks like. Now I'm afraid she'll never know, because I won't find it with anyone else. I can't. I gave my heart to Shaun, & I can't let go of what we had, even though I know that we can no longer be together.

I'm hoping that I can find the strength & the courage to move on for Ivy. As much as I love her father, I can't wait forever for somebody who wouldn't fight for me. I'm not saying that I'll be jumping into someone elses arms right away, because that isn't what I mean by moving on. I just pray that I can be brave enough in my heart to say goodbye to what no longer serves me, grows me, or makes me happy. Even if it is the boy I never stopped believing in...

So here I am. Back to square one. Back to wandering around, looking for a greater purpose.For some kind of direction. I'm struggling to remember who I was before Shaun came along... I know that I was independent, & headstrong. I didn't tolerate bullshit from anyone, which honestly makes me wonder how I ever ended up with him. I never would have put myself through half the Hell I've been through this past year over a silly boy. I would have put an end to it before it ever began. It doesn't mean I love him any less for what he's put me through... but I can't go through it again. I have to be strong for Ivy.