Snap Happy with Instagram

Fairytale

Our lives have really turned around since we hitchhiked back home from Wyoming. We started out living in a musty old truck with two dogs & all of our belongings, spending all day every day standing by the freeway holding a sign so we could afford to eat & walking everywhere from Sandy to Salt Lake looking for work... & after several months of that miserable experience, here we are. We have a roof over our heads. We have my parents feeding us & driving us to & from our appointments. We both have jobs & the opportunity to excel in them. We have everything we didn't dare dream of having a month ago, & it won't be long until we have our own place & our own vehicle.

I'm so grateful for everything that's been happening to us lately. I never thought that in my position, I'd be able to get a job. Especially my dream job! Now look at me. I'm making $15.00 an hour! I can get our engagement photo's & my baby belly photo's done for free! I can actually do more than contribute to our little family. I would never have had that opportunity if it weren't for Kim. She's been such an incredible friend to us. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

 I can't wait to find out the gender of our little gremlin so I can finally tell her! I'm still so sure it'll be a girl, but either way I'll be happy. I know Kim's dying to spoil her God baby & Shaun will be wrapped around his/or her little finger, no matter what the gender is! As for me, I just can't wait to be a Mum.

Thank God we still have some time before the baby comes, so we can be prepared. We still have a wedding to plan & we have to find an apartment suited to our needs, as well as finding a reliable vehicle that we can afford. Everything's so hectic, but at least we're moving forward. Something I don't think we've ever been able to do before. We've grown up a lot in the past couple months. Hell, even in the past few weeks we've become entirely different people. We've finally figured out what actually matters & we're doing what we can to make the best of every situation that comes up. We make the most of each other & we support each other, & that's why we'll go far.

Let it Rain

Complications

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I knew that having a baby complicates things, but I never imagined that prepping myself to be a good Mother would be this unbearable. I've been trying so hard to live up to everyone's standards. Especially my own... & I'm just disappointing myself. I've been taking up some healthier habits, I've quit smoking, I won't touch alcohol with a ten foot pole. I've almost completely cut junk food out of my diet, along with caffeine. I've even made an effort to go to bed earlier, & I'm not even finished yet!

Not only have I been in & out of the hospital on several occasions with severe abdominal pain, I've started going to a clinic in Salt Lake, which I should have done a while back but haven't had the resources or known where to start. I've been drinking an obscene amount of lemon water every day & taking a million vitamins with this awful prenatal tea. It's horrible! 

I find it almost funny how my sisters think I'm overreacting to every single situation, but not only am I starting a new job tomorrow, but I have a meeting with a social worker about our situation next Tuesday & almost immediately after I have orientation for my GED at Stevens Henager. I'm sleeping on couch cushions piled onto the floor in my Mum's living room every night & even though it's a huge relief that Shaun got the job at Kmart, I'm still overwhelmed... & emotional. I'm not even a Mum yet & I'm already running around like I work at a day care center! 

Maybe once we have our own place & start paying off our bills, I'll be able to relax a little bit. In the meantime, I'm still waiting on my birth certificate to come in the mail so I can send off for my passport so I have some valid identification, I'm struggling to make it through the day because my system is so weak & the heat affects me so much that I'll be amazed if I can go one full day of work without having to take a long break, & now me & Shaun have to figure out transportation, because we'll be working almost an hour bus ride from my Mum's.

I just need a break. Some time to genuinely relax without all these appointments & obligations piling up & weighing me down. I don't want to put all this stress on the baby, but it's almost impossible with everything we're going through right now. At least there's the prospect of a better future now that we have some of the tools we need to build it. We might not have everything we need, but we're getting there at a fairly good pace, & luckily we have some pretty great people in our lives helping us.

Thank you Mum & Dad, for putting a roof over our heads & food in our bellies. For using up all your spare gas to drive us around to our appointments & to work. You're the best parents anyone could ask for.

Thank you Grandma, for helping us out for the time that you did. For lending us some transportation & taking care of my obnoxious dog while we were out. It meant a lot to us.

And a great big thank you to Kim, who has been there from day one, supporting us, bringing us food, buying me maternity clothes & giving us plenty of rides & resources. I wouldn't want anyone else to be our baby's Godmother. You're the most faithful friend I've ever had.

Baby Love

Sometimes it feels like we'll never get out of here... like we're trapped by our past & the chains are just to tight to struggle free. Sometimes it hurts to think about leaving this all behind, but then I remember that we have a new beginning waiting for us on the other side of the pond. There's always something better out there, but we both know that the grass is definitely greener on the other side.

It's kind of scary to think about leaving the country & starting a new life with Shaun & raising our baby on our own. We're still young, but we have some of the most difficult decisions to make, & some of the hardest lessons to learn. I'm just grateful that we have each other. I know I could never do this on my own, & I'm so so lucky to have the world's most dedicated Father by my side. Our child will have the best life we can possibly give them. I might not feel ready to be a Mum, but I know that I'll do my very best to give this baby everything s/he needs.

Before this baby came along, I didn't have a care in the world. I would smoke, I would drink, I would occasionally do drugs. I didn't care about myself much or my future. Now, everything's changed. I set goals for myself, I worry about the kind of environment s/he'll be raised in, I want to find a good job so I can get them everything you could possibly need, I quit smoking, I won't touch alcohol. I'd never even consider using drugs. I want to do everything in my power to make our baby proud to call me Mum.

Someone Worth Fighting For

 I've never felt so lucky. Even considering the fact that I've been sleeping in the back of a truck & in hotels off & on for the past month or so, & in a car for even longer... I still have my best friend standing right next to me... pushing through all of the bullshit with me & reminding me what we're fighting for every single day. Proving to me that even though it's tough, & even though it feels like we might not be going anywhere anytime soon, even the smallest, simplest results are worth it.

I honestly thought he'd leave again. I had lost all faith in myself & in everyone else around me that I was scared to believe that he'd still be there. But here he is, laying out in the truck waiting patiently for me while I let it all out on this ridiculously slow library computer. After my last pregnancy, I was terrified that another one would tear us apart, but it's made us even stronger. I had never expected any good to come out of an unplanned pregnancy, but the thought of having a teeny tiny baby Shaun or baby Lea has brought us a lot closer together. I'm so so grateful that I have somebody so incredible taking care of me & working alongside me to make a better future for ourselves & our little Gremlin... yes, we refer to it as the Gremlin. Don't judge.

Things might be almost unbearable right now... & it might be hard to keep it together, but he's doing an incredible job of keeping me from falling apart. He makes me smile, even when I can't stop the tears from drenching my face & he makes me laugh when I feel like punching holes in walls. He's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, & I'm lucky enough to have him in my life as something even more than that. He's my lover, my boyfriend, & the father of my child. I couldn't ask for a better friend than Shaun.

With him in my life again, I finally feel like I can look to the future again. It doesn't scare me as much anymore... we can make plans & look into getting our own place & actually imagine something better than this. Somewhere far away from here. We can make a new life for ourselves, & I can honestly say, that is something worth fighting for. My best friend & our baby... they're worth fighting for. They're my everything, & I couldn't imagine real happiness without them. This is what my life was meant to be, & I owe it all to him.